But sharing in their joy went beyond her capabilities at the moment. Willow’s throat ached with disappointment as the reality of what this all meant gradually took hold.
Her marriage was over.
She wasn’t ready to put voice to the words, but deep in her gut, she knew it to be true. Even if it wasn’t immediate. Even if she and Harrison somehow managed to salvage their union for another couple of months or so, Willow just could not see them coming back from this.
Their time together over this past week had been a test, a way for her to see just where she fell on Harrison’s list of priorities. To know that after seventeen years of marriage, after two kids and all the memories they had together, that he couldn’t even give her a week where she didn’t have to share him with someone else. Well, it was all the answer she needed.
And it hurt so, so much.
Maybe it was her fault for expecting him to change. Harrison had always been an overachiever. It was typical of him to work while on vacation. Just because she’d wanted this time to be solely for the two of them—because she’d decided to see it as a test of how committed he was to making their marriage work—that didn’t mean he saw it that way.
“That’s what you get for having expectations.”
She wouldn’t make that mistake again.
Instead of trying to assuage the bitter ache pressing down on his chest with every breath he took, Harrison accepted it as punishment for the mess he’d made of things this morning. This misery was nothing less than he deserved.
What in the hell were you thinking?
One day! They had one day left to their vacation. And this was what he did?
This past week had been nothing short of magical. They’d made more progress in mending their broken relationship than he could have hoped for. Yet he went and ruined it with talk of cutting their vacation short. And for what? For the chance to show up that asshole Phillip MacMahon in front of a judge?
Who’s the asshole now?
“What in the hell is wrong with you?” Harrison said in a harsh whisper.
Now, instead of being out there with his wife, enjoying their final hours in Rome on their actual wedding anniversary, here he was, staring out the window of their hotel room, watching as the world went about its business. His world had stopped the moment Willow walked out the door.
Why didn’t he go after her? He’d started for her moments after she left, but then stopped, figuring she needed space.
But giving her space is what had gotten them in the state they were in right now. His moving out of the house had been his way of giving Willow the space she needed to clear her mind. He regretted that decision with every bone in his body.
He never should have left. He should have stayed in his house and demanded he and Willow talk through their problems from the very beginning. The only thing his sleeping on that uncomfortable futon at the law firm had done was drive them further apart.
He hadn’t learned a damn thing. If he had, he wouldn’t have allowed work to intrude on their vacation and drive an even bigger wedge between them.
Harrison picked up his phone and reread the text he’d sent her. He’d needed to know she was okay, and to apologize. He’d written a damn novel, explaining that he was wrong to suggest leaving early. She’d replied with a simple, Okay. I’m fine.
That had been over an hour ago.
Harrison texted again. You still okay?
His chest grew tight as one minute passed. Then another. Then another.
After five minutes, he texted again. Wills, just let me know you’re okay.
The electronic lock on their hotel room clicked open. “I’m fine,” she said as she walked through the door.
The relief that crashed through him nearly took him out at the knees. “God, Willow.”
Harrison made it to the bed on shaky legs as the built-up adrenalin of the past hour rushed from his body.
“I didn’t mean to make you worry,” she said. “I was just…frustrated.”
“I get that,” Harrison said with a nod. She came to sit next to him on the bed, but left at least a foot of space between them. It could have just as well been a mile. That’s how distant she felt from him.
“I’m sorry, Willow,” he said. “This isn’t how I wanted our vacation to end.”
Her shoulders lifted in a half-hearted shrug. “It is what it is.”
Harrison reared back slightly. Had she really just hit him with the it is what it is line? She knew he hated that phrase. The defeatist sentiment behind it went against everything he believe in.
“Expecting you to spend an entire week unplugged was asking too much. I understand that now,” she said. “Your work is important.”
“It isn’t more important than you.”
Her composed, impassive expression signified the depths to which he’d fucked up. Anger and regret twisted in Harrison’s gut. Anger at himself. After all the ground they’d made up this week, they were back at square one. It was written all over her face.
“Willow—”
“It’s okay, Harrison.” She turned to him, her eyes void of any real emotion. “You’ve worked hard on this case. It’s not in your nature to leave a client hanging.” She hunched her shoulder. “Besides, we can always come back to Italy, right?”
Her smile didn’t reach her eyes.
“I’m sorry for ever taking those calls from the office,” Harrison reiterated.
She gave him another of those bland half-smiles before expelling a tired breath and clamping her hands on her thighs. She looked around then turned to him with a quizzical frown. “Where are the bags?”
“In the closet.”
Her brows rose. “Aren’t we flying home today?”
He shook his head. “No. Jonathan is going to handle this issue with the Delmonicos. And whatever he can’t handle, it’ll just have to wait until we get home.”
Her eyes brimmed with resigned acceptance. “Harrison, I told you I understand.”
“We’re not leaving, Willow. We’re going to the museum and to that shopping district you wanted to visit and wherever else we can think of. It’s our anniversary. Let’s enjoy it.”
The caution in her expression ate a hole in Harrison’s gut. It was as if she wasn’t sure she could trust him. But then she smiled, and this time it actually made it to her eyes.
Hours later, they found themselves strolling through the grounds of the Villa Celimontana. The peaceful gardens resided on a small hill overlooking the city. Its numerous, well-kept pathways wound their way around the gardens, with marble sculptures and bounteous foliage lining either side. He and Willow lucked upon a bench overlooking the city. The sight of the ancient ruins and modern life intermingling continued to fascinate him.
They sat for several long moments with neither of them speaking. For the thousandth time today, Harrison had to fight the urge to kick his own ass. He would never forgive himself for making such a mess of this. There had to be a way to make this right.
You know what you can do.
A cold chill raced through him as that voice that had harassed him all day once again poked at his conscience.
There was one thing he could do. He could tell his wife something he’d never shared with her before. Something he’d never shared with anyone. He had no idea if it would make a difference, but maybe if she understood the motivation behind why he worked so damn hard, she’d be willing to forgive him when he made an asshole move like the one he’d made this morning. It was worth a shot.
He stretched his arm across the back of the bench and released a lazy sigh. “I’ve never told you how I became such a workaholic, have I?”
She looked over at him, an incredulous dip to her brow. “What?”
“I know I put in too many hours at the office, Wills. I thought I was doing a good job at balancing my work time and family time, but I was wrong.”
“Harrison, you don’t have to do this.”
He touched her shoulder. “
I do,” he said. “I need you to understand where I’m coming from. This drive…this crazy need to always be at the top of my game? It’s not an intrinsic quality I was born with or anything like that. It was, in fact, born out of a very specific incident.”
The spark of interest that flickered in her expressive eyes provided the encouragement he needed to continue.
“Back when I was ten years old, I decided I wanted to play baseball. Alex was on the junior varsity team and, like every one of us Holmes boys, I wanted to be just like my big cousin Alex. I begged Mom and Dad to let me play for this neighborhood league that had just started up.
“One weekend we had a retreat at a campground over on the Northshore. I guess it was supposed to be some kind of team building thing, although that’s not the term they used for it back then.” He shrugged. “In addition to sports, they also wanted to help us grow as young men.
“For one activity, the session leader gathered us all in a group. We had to go around in a circle stating what we wanted to be when we grow up. When I said I wanted to be a lawyer, he laughed.”
“Excuse me?” Willow said in her “oh no he didn’t” voice.
“Yeah.” Harrison huffed out a humorless grunt. “He laughed at me. Then, in front of the entire group, he told me that I needed to pick something more realistic for boys like me. Football or basketball or some other kind of sport. He said boys like me didn’t have what it took to be lawyers.”
“That bastard,” she growled.
“He thought he was saving me from being disappointed when I didn’t reach the lofty goal I’d set for myself.”
“He should have encouraged you to dream big. That’s what adults in that position are supposed to do.”
“Not when that adult looks at you and doesn’t see someone with potential, based solely on your outward appearance.”
Willow’s lips thinned with her angry frown. “And this happened to you at ten years old? My goodness, Harrison, that’s Athens’s age.”
“I’ve already had ‘the talk’ with Athens,” he said. Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. Harrison spoke before she could. “I won’t let my son exist in this world without preparing him for what he has to face, Willow. As much as it hurt to hear those words back then—to learn what that counselor really thought of me—I’m not sorry it happened. It was my first window into seeing how people viewed me as a young black boy.
“I had to put up with shit like that throughout high school and college, and beyond. People look at my size and skin color and think I’m good for nothing but running a football. As if being a professional athlete doesn’t require intellect. You think just anyone can learn all those plays they have to master?” He shook his head. “That’s beside the point. I talked with Athens when he joined the Scouts. I wanted him to be prepared for the moment he had to face something like what I faced with that camp counselor, because he will eventually face it.”
“It happened to you at Disney World,” Willow said on an awe-filled whisper. “Do you remember? The front desk person asked which team you played for before he even asked your name.”
“You remember that, huh?”
“Of course I remember.”
“I can promise you he wasn’t the only one in the lobby that day who thought I played professional ball. Because in their minds those are the only black men who can afford to have their families stay in the most expensive resort on Disney property. Believe me, Wills, I’ve gotten that kind of thing my entire life.”
“I get it too,” she admitted. “Do you know how many raised eyebrows I get at Whole Foods from folks looking at my full shopping basket?” She shook her head, then she reached over and covered his knee with her palm. “I can only imagine how much worse it is for you. Why haven’t you ever told me about this, Harrison?”
He hunched his shoulders and stared out at the layout of the city before them.
“It’s not something I think about. At least I try not to think about it.” He looked to her. “But it’s there, Willow. It’s always there. That one incident shaped my entire world view. I quit sports and concentrated solely on my studies because I didn’t want anyone ever telling me that I only had one path in life.
“I carry that experience with me whenever I walk into a courtroom or sit at a negotiation table. I’ve witnessed the surprise on an opposing council’s face when it turns out I know some obscure precedent that they believe someone like me shouldn’t know. I’m expected to fail by virtue of the color of my skin.
“It’s why I work so hard now. Because I don’t want anyone to think I don’t know what I’m doing.”
She scooted closer to him and Harrison’s heart swelled to near bursting with relief and gratitude. They still had a long way to go. He wasn’t foolish enough to assume he’d repaired the damage he’d caused this morning, but the compassion in her eyes gave him hope.
“I’ve spent my life doing all I can to be the very best I can be, no matter the cost,” he continued. “But I see now that it’s costing me you, and that’s one price I’m not willing to pay. There is nothing in this world that’s worth losing you over, Willow.”
“You haven’t lost me.” She reached for his hand and enclosed it in both of hers. “I can’t believe it took you all this time to tell me this.” She stared into his eyes. “But I’m grateful you finally did. It explains so much.”
“I shouldn’t have held it in for so long. We always prided ourselves on never keeping secrets from each other. This isn’t a secret in the usual sense, but it’s still something that’s been sitting here between us.” He caressed her palm with his thumb. “I don’t want there to be anything between us. Ever.”
Something passed across her face that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand at attention.
“Wills? Is there something you want to tell me?”
She shook her head as if to clear it. “What? No,” she said. “No. You’re right. We can’t expect our marriage to work if we’re not honest with each other.”
Harrison decided that flash of unease he thought he saw in her eyes was just the vestiges of this long, tension-filled day. He would put it out of his mind and focus on the ground he’d managed to recoup. They had a few hours left in Rome. Maybe they could salvage what was left of their vacation.
Chapter Ten
Their return to New Orleans wasn’t nearly as nerve-wracking as the initial flight across the Atlantic, but only because he had too many other things weighing on his mind to worry about whether or not the metal box they were flying in would crash into the ocean. After a week together in Rome, his relationship with his wife had improved, but not enough to satisfy him.
Harrison considered himself a realist, so he knew things wouldn’t automatically go back to being normal. Willow had warned him that this trip wouldn’t be a cure-all. Yet, a small part of him had hoped that’s exactly what it would be. In some ways, it had proven to be even more than Harrison had hoped for.
He and his wife had rediscovered what it felt like to be in love again. They’d recaptured the magic that always happened with they made love. For the first time in months, Harrison knew what it felt like to sit across a table from Willow and hold her hand while they shared an intimate meal and talked for hours about anything and everything. That’s what this week in Italy had given them. It had reduced the size of the chasm that had grown in their marriage.
But it hadn’t vanquished it completely. That became evident as soon as they touched down at the airport in New Orleans. The uncomfortable tension that had become so familiar began to throb between them once again. Harrison felt as if he was walking on eggshells as they deplaned and headed for baggage claim. The feeling only intensified as they made their way to the car.
A question hung in the air. Was he dropping her off at the house and going back to sleeping at the law office, or was he going to be welcomed back into his home? Into his bed?
Harrison came up against the same apprehension he’d experienced back wh
en he was unsure if he should tell her about the trip. What if he asked her if he could come back home and she turned him down? What would it say about the progress he thought they’d made this past week? Would it mean they were back at square one?
And what about the elephant in the room?
He still didn’t understand why things had fallen apart in the first place. There were hints and snippets and possibilities still playing out in his mind, but the crucial, definitive reason behind the implosion of his marriage remained a mystery. How could he work to prevent it from ever happening again if he still wasn’t sure where everything had gone wrong in the first place?
It was time they finally had the discussion they’d been putting off for far too long.
Willow had called the kids as soon as they touched down on the tarmac, and learned that Indina had taken them out to dinner with plans to go to the movies afterward. That meant he and Willow had several hours in the house by themselves.
Per her usual post-vacation routine, the minute they arrived home Willow immediately unpacked and started separating the dirty laundry. Harrison took a cursory tour of the house, checking to make sure everything was in order, biding his time. He needed to ready himself for the conversation he planned to initiate.
When he returned to the kitchen, Willow called out to him.
“I can throw yours in with mine,” she said. “I doubt Indina cooked seeing that she took the kids to dinner, so I can have something delivered while you wait for the laundry to finish.”
Harrison walked over to the utility room and casually rested his shoulder against the door frame. “So, I’m waiting for laundry and then what? Am I going back to the little apartment above the law practice? Is that what’s happening?”
She looked up at him, a startled expression on her face. The pajama bottoms she’d been about to sort fell from her fingers.
“I…” she started, but it was as if she’d forgotten how to speak.
Harrison pushed away from the entry and came into the room. He kicked the stray pieces of laundry from around her feet and closed the distance between them.
Cherish Me Page 18
