When this whole thing had started, I'd been suspicious…but the more I was around Seth, the more I had thought he was genuine. So I slept with him. Then the following day, I see him at a bar sealing the deal with a stranger. What was I supposed to think? How was I supposed to feel?
And why could I not stop kissing him?
My fingers threading through Seth's hair seemed to be some kind of sign to him that he wasn't going to get slapped. His hands landed on my sides gently. His lips never leaving mine, he pushed me down onto my mattress and settled on top of me. I knew that giving in and kissing him back was a sign of weakness.
But all I that I wanted was one more moment of happiness before I ended this. Seth's fingers tracing a soft line down my cheek pulled me out of my romantic reverie.
And brought a very graphic image to mind of him and the girl he'd been with at the bar.
Red hot anger coursed through me again as I grabbed his shoulders and flipped him onto his back, shifting our roles. Continuing to kiss him, I decided to put on the act of a lifetime. Shifting my hips into his until he groaned, I did my best to separate myself from this moment. Anger fueling me on, I played him like I assumed he'd played me.
Until an image flashed in my mind of the night that I'd actually slept with him. It was just before he'd dropped me off at home. Sitting in the front seat of his car, he'd held my hand the whole way home and just before I got out of the car, he'd brought his lips so softly to my palm that I'd nearly melted on his front seat. The gesture was so sweet, so loving that I had actually envisioned a real future for us.
I pulled my lips away from Seth's abruptly and before I could stop it, a lone tear fell out of my eye and landed on Seth's cheek. His eyes had been closed during our intense make out session, but opened at the touch of the moisture.
"Lexi?" he asked softly, reaching up to wipe away the next tear that fell out of my eye. Seth's face was full of concern.
Concern that was two days too late.
Climbing off of him, I no longer cared about getting even. I practically jumped out of my bed, stood up, then pointed at the window. "Get out," I growled.
"Lexi," Seth said softly, the worried look only growing.
I shook my head, praying for the tears to stop and wishing that he'd just get out of my room already. "Get the fuck out," I repeated.
Seth climbed from my bed and walked towards me. He lifted his hands to touch me and I shrank away. "Lexi," he whispered.
"I said get the fuck out," I told him, my voice raising. "Get the fuck out or I'll scream until my parents come in here."
Shaking his head, he backed away from me, a defeated look on his face. I should have felt triumphant, but instead, I only managed to feel worse.
I turned away from him and wiped another stray tear away and as he left my room, tried my best to act like it was what I really wanted.
nine.
A few days later and judging from the lack of contact, I knew Seth had finally gotten the message. He hadn't called, hadn't texted, hadn't climbed through my window.
Three days later, I was still a mess. A mess unfortunately in love with a guy who'd used me.
A guy who was my brother's best friend.
Sarah had been my savior. When I called her the morning after the final confrontation, she'd come over immediately, bringing coffee and calorie enriched donuts. Since then, she'd checked in regularly to make sure that I was okay.
When I went back to work Monday, I was relieved. My weekend from hell was officially over and I could focus on my job. The distraction was too welcome. Playgrounds were over in a couple short weeks and then I could look forward to going back to school and getting away from this entire situation.
By Wednesday, I felt ready enough to go to the bar for drinks with Sarah. We arrived in time for happy hour and were having a great time.
Until Seth and Rich arrived.
I turned to look at Sarah who immediately saw the worry on my face. "It's fine," she said quickly. "You're fine. Breathe."
Following her advice, I turned to look at the two of them. Rich nodded at me and I waved back. Seth looked at me, surprise written across his features. I didn't get why, though. It wasn't like he owned this bar. I'd been going there since I'd turned twenty-one. I wasn't going to stop simply because Seth was there.
"Look," Sarah said, "you're strong." I nodded as if agreeing was going to make that statement true. "I'm going to go to the bathroom. Will you be okay here?" I nodded again. She shot me one more worried look and left. I turned so that I was facing the bar and stared at my empty beer glass. I could do this. I could sit at the bar and act like nothing Seth did could ever bother me.
The whole thing crumbled, however, as Seth sat down next to me, setting a new glass of beer right by where my empty glass resided.
"You looked a little low," he said softly, as if he refilled my empty beer mugs every day.
The beer replacement only managed to remind me of the scene that had played out in front of me less than a week ago with the redhead. "No thanks," I said, looking straight ahead and pushing the beer towards him.
Seth pushed it back. "Please. Just take the beer."
I shoved the glass back harder, some of the liquid sloshing over the side of the glass at the force. "I don't want it," I spat at him.
"Lexi."
I stood up quickly and backed away from him. Who did he think he was buying me a beer? Why would he think that would fix everything? "I don't want the beer, Seth," I said loudly, drawing the attention of those around us. "I want you to leave me alone."
The scene apparently attracted the attention of my brother who stepped up next to us and pulled Seth away from me. "Back off Seth," Rich said softly, trying to diffuse the situation.
But Seth wasn't having any of it. He shrugged my brother's hold off and shook his head almost violently. "No!" he screamed. "No, I won't fucking back off!" The bar grew eerily silent as all eyes landed on Seth. Taking a step towards me, Seth tried to reach out to touch me, but I once again stepped out of his grasp. "Lexi," Seth said, looking me right in the eyes. "Lexi, I fucking love you." My heart flew to my feet in freefall. "I'm in love with you."
I opened my mouth to reply, but no words would come. He was in love with me? Thankfully, I didn't need to say anything, as Rich came to my rescue and stepped up to Seth in an attempt to get him to back off. But Seth still wasn't having it as he shoved Rich away for a second time. "Would you stop it, Rich?" Seth asked. "I'm trying to tell your sister how I feel and you're fucking it up."
"You don't know what you're doing," Rich said, his voice full of surprise. "You have no idea what you're saying."
"Like hell I don't!" Seth yelled. "I've been in love with her for years! You can't tell me that I have no idea what I'm doing when what I'm telling her is something I should have told her years ago!"
Rich turned to look at me and took me by the arm, pulling me away from Seth. "Let's go, Lexi. You don't need to listen to this."
Seth stepped in front of me, however, blocking the path. "Stay out of this Rich," he said. "This doesn't involve you."
"It sure as hell does!" Rich exclaimed, his grasp on my arm tightening. "It sure as hell involves me when you're sleeping with my little sister!"
A hush fell over the crowd as realization dawned on me. Rich hadn't seemed surprised by Seth's declaration of love. If anything, he'd been more annoyed by it. I was too busy processing the whole love angle that I hadn't even analyzed my brother's reaction to it. His best friend had just declared his love for me and instead of questioning the reasons that Seth could be making such a bold declaration, Rich was trying to get me to leave the bar without any hassle. He was trying to get me out of there so that it wouldn't slip that he had found out that I'd slept with Seth.
"You knew?!" I asked, yanking my arm out of Rich's tight grasp. "How the hell did you know that I slept with Seth?!"
Rich shook his head, trying to motion me towards the door. "That's not important, Lex,"
he said softly. "I'm not mad at you."
Sure, I was somewhat relieved that Rich wasn't pissed, but on the other hand, he'd known what I'd done with Seth and was acting like it was a secret. "Stop trying to push me out of the bar!" I yelled. Rich stopped, looking surprised at my outburst. "How the hell did you know?!"
"I told you" Rich began, but Seth cut him off.
"He found your underwear on my floor when he got home from work that day," Seth answered and embarrassment flooded me. Rich took a threatening step towards Seth, but Seth shook his head angrily. My brother knew? He knew and he hadn't said anything to me? He'd pretended like he hadn't known? "May as well be honest with her, Rich. Tell her why you didn't let her know that you found out and had a rather heated discussion with me."
Rich looked surprised that Seth was standing up to him so boldly. "You're sleeping with my sister, Seth! You're my best friend!" He pointed at Seth as if to emphasize a point. "Best friends aren't supposed to sleep with their best friend's siblings!"
"Then why did you sleep with me?" Sarah asked boldly, pushing her way through the crowd and right into Rich's personal space.
And once again, shock nearly knocked me over. "What?" I asked softly. If we hadn't been causing such a scene, my nearly whispered question wouldn't have been heard in the noisy bar. The ruckus we'd started however, had drawn everyone's attention and made my small question seem like a shout.
"Not now, Sarah," Rich said, turning his attention back to Seth.
Sarah wasn't having it though, as she pulled on my brother's shirt and yanked him around until he was facing her. "Yes, right now," she declared. "Tell me why it's okay to have sex with me when you're wasted, but your best friend can't go after the one girl he's been head over heels for, for years?"
"It's not the same thing!" Rich exclaimed.
"It fucking is!" Sarah yelled right back. "The only difference is that Seth actually feels something beyond friendship for Lexi!" She stepped forward and poked Rich in the chest. "You and I were some drunken night of stupidity, but it was sex all the same. You're being a hypocrite to judge Seth so poorly when you should be judging yourself, Rich. Seth loves your sister. At least he has some integrity."
"Would someone please tell me what the hell you're talking about," I said loudly, crossing my arms across my chest.
Sarah looked at me, worried. "I slept with your brother a few months ago while you were still away at school. It was only once and it never happened again," she explained quickly. "I tried to tell you more than once, but with everything going on, I never found the right time"
I suddenly flashbacked to the nights in the bar and the club when Sarah had told me that she had to talk to me, but both times I'd gotten distracted and the conversation had never been finished.
"Please," she whispered. "Don't be mad at me."
I shook my head quickly. "I'm not." Because I wasn't. I know that Seth and I had been terrified about Rich's reaction to the two of us being together, so I really couldn't allow myself to be upset about her and Rich.
Suddenly, I was exhausted by this whole situation. Stepping forward, I grabbed a visibly shaken Sarah by the arm. "Let's go," I said to her, softly. "I'll drive you home."
Turning, we waded through the crowd of onlookers and outside into the warm summer air. Sarah was breathing heavily and I could tell she was trying not to cry. "It's fine," I kept repeating. "Really."
We got to the car and I opened her door. When she was safely inside, I walked around to my side when Seth called out my name. Sighing, I turned to look at him. After everything he'd just confessed, I owed him that much respect. I couldn't just jump into my car and leave him in the dust.
When he reached me, I made sure to keep a bit of distance between us. Sure, he'd said the words that I'd been dying for him to say, but after learning what had gone down between Seth and Rich and Rich and Sarah, I wasn't going to let myself crumble.
"Lexi, I…" he began, but I held up a hand and cut him off.
"Seth, just stop," I said softly. "I'm going back to school in a few weeks and after everything that happened tonight, I can't wait. Things are a mess now with Rich and you and Sarah and everything else."
"Lexi," he said, reaching forward and putting a hand on my shoulder. Stepping away from him, however, I shook my head and cut him off once more.
"For years, I dreamed that you'd say those three words to me," I told him honestly. "Because for years, I've been so crazy about you, but if the last few days are any indication, we'd be terrible for one another."
"Don't say that," he whispered.
"But it's true. We knew how Rich was going to react and chose to ignore it even though we knew how upset it would make him. So I think we both secretly knew deep down that when he found out, it would be over.
"But I'm not going to be the thing that stands between you and Rich," I continued. "I could never live with that." I opened up my car door, wanting to protect my best friend and get her home in one piece and I couldn't stand feeling my heart break around Seth any longer. "And I just don't think that I could ever get over seeing you with that girl the other night. I may have danced with that guy at the club, but you took it beyond that."
Seth shook his head adamantly. "Lexi, I love you," he said simply, his arms wide as if he was offering the only thing he knew that I wanted: himself.
"But maybe you don't," I whispered, the words and the thought breaking my heart because I was totally, irreversibly, one hundred percent in love with him. "Maybe it was the thrill of getting caught of sneaking around, of having the one thing you knew you shouldn't. All I know is the second Rich supposedly found my panties on the floor, you ran. You didn't stand up to him and you kept it from me, the person you supposedly love. So maybe you don't really love me, Seth, but the idea of me."
Stepping towards my open car door, I turned to look at him once more. "I get that you didn't want to involve me in the situation with Rich, but I already was involved. I was involved with you, which means that we should have dealt with Rich together. Instead, you ignored me and found comfort in some girl you met at the bar…and I'm sorry, but I just can't forgive you for that."
And once that was said, I knew that I had to leave. "See you around, Seth," I whispered and climbed into the front seat of the car and then drove away.
ten.
October.
"So how's your paper coming?" I asked Sarah over the phone as I lazily flicked through the channels on my television.
"Oh God," she groaned, then launched in to a ten minute long rant about her paper topic and the hard time she was having finding such obscure sources.
After I'd driven her home that night after the scene in the bar, she'd spilled everything to me. How she'd been at the bar getting drunk over a botched mid-term and how Rich had been there. The two of them got inebriated together and she went home with him. It was a one-time deal and she kept reassuring me that she had no hidden crush on my brother.
And I meant what I said before. I really wasn't mad at her. Sure, I was a bit freaked out that she and my brother had had sex, but I wasn't her mother. I wasn't going to chastise her for it, especially when it was so obvious how guilty she felt about the whole thing.
Rich on the other hand was a whole different story. We'd pretty much steered clear of one another until I'd left for school. I think he knew how upset I was with him and his hypocrisy.
"Just shoot me and get it over with," Sarah moaned, bringing me back into the present.
"No thanks," I said, turning the channel on the television once again. "I think I'll keep you around even if you don't want to be."
We chatted for a few more minutes before hanging up.
Being away from home for a while had allowed me to clear my head. It helped that the drama was halfway across the country. It also helped having tons of schoolwork to do in order to finish up my degree a semester early.
Also, not having the distraction of worrying about running into Seth or Rich made getting over
the whole thing much simpler.
That's not to say I was over Seth.
No. For some reason, the love I had for him just wouldn't die. The absence made it grow fonder just like that stupid Hallmark saying that they print inside greeting cards.
A sudden knock woke me out of my reverie. Shutting off the TV, I stood from the couch and went to my front door.
I can't say I was surprised to see Rich on the other side of the door. We'd always been close, so being angry at him and ignoring him was really difficult for me. It wasn't a surprise that it seemed to be taking such a toll on him.
"Hi," I said to him.
"Hey." He rocked back on his heels nervously. "Can I come in?"
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