by K E Osborn
“We have to be more careful where we make out.”
I nod. “Can I ask… why are we hiding this from people?”
He slumps and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m still wrapping my head around it. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to be with you, so don’t think that. I just need time to get used to the idea of having a connection with someone. It’s been a long time.”
My stomach sinks slightly and even though he said he isn’t ashamed or embarrassed, I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t want to show me off and that doesn’t make me feel good at all.
“Okay,” is all I say.
He swallows hard looking into my eyes deeply like he’s trying to read me. I’m not sure what he’s getting from my facial expression, but he screws up his face and groans. “Fuck… am I fucking this up already?” He turns away from me, his shoulders slumping while his chest heaves.
I reach out grabbing his strong bicep as my stomach sinks at seeing him upset. “It’s okay, you’re confused. I get that. We’re in a weird situation. I work for you, that makes things… harder—”
“It’s not just that,” he says still turned away from me.
“It’s not?” I ask raising an eyebrow.
He slumps even more. “I want to tell you, all of it. I just can’t yet. I’m not ready.”
My hand drops from his arm and I nod even though he can’t see me. There’s more to his story, more that’s making him hold back, I just have no idea what it is.
“Can you wait?” he murmurs.
Squishing my brows in confusion, he turns to look at me, but his face is strained and full of worry.
“Wait?” I ask.
“Can you wait for me to be ready? It’s asking a lot, and I don’t know how long it will take for me to open up to you. But if you’re willing to stand by me, I promise I will tell you… everything, as soon as I’m able.”
Licking my lips as my mouth suddenly goes dry, I take in a deep breath. “Does this mean everything is on hold until you find your strength?”
He shakes his head. “No. I still want to keep seeing you, it’s just delving into my past I’m not ready for yet.”
Nodding slowly, I think I understand. The last girl he was with, obviously hurt him. Severely. He has trust issues and it’s starting to make a bit more sense. “I think I can manage that.”
He sighs in relief and leans his forehead against mine. “Thank you. I’m sorry I’m such a head case.”
I smile bringing my hand up to caress his smooth cheek. “It’s okay, I like my men a little crazy.”
He smiles and leans in quickly kissing my lips then pulls back. “Better get back in there before Nate demands a pony.”
I laugh as he squeezes my hand then pulls away from me and walks down toward the studio. I turn and head back inside the sound booth just in time to see Nate smirk at Ryan while Danger looks to Ryan and frowns.
“You okay, man? You were gone for so long I thought you fell in the toilet.”
“Sorry, it’s all those kale smoothies you’re making me drink,” he says.
Danger laughs as Ryan looks over at me and winks.
RYAN
I wink at Tillie knowing she can hear us, and I was hoping for a convincing smile, but the one I’m getting back from her is clearly fake. Swallowing hard, I take a deep breath and look away from her. I hate that I’ve asked Tillie to keep us a secret. I know it would and obviously is, making her feel inadequate. But if I acknowledge publically that there’s something going on between us, that means I’m over Katie and I just don’t know if that’s true. I’m not sure if I will ever truly be over her.
“Okay guys, let’s get this going again,” Oliver calls out clapping his hands together.
Nodding, I pick up my Fender, placing the strap over my head. Looking to Oliver to let me know when to start the intro to the song he points to me, and so I start plucking at the strings to start the song. Nate kicks in with the drum beat and Matt strums at his Bass. Danger’s voice chimes in soon after and I head into autopilot. My eyes shift toward Tillie and she smiles at me as I watch her, but soon after she nods at me and turns leaving the sound room. I wince feeling like an asshole for treating her like this. Day one of our, whatever the hell this is, and already I’m fucking it up.
We finish recording and we head back into the main office. I leave the guys to go in search of Tillie, but I can’t seem to find her anywhere and her office door is closed and it’s clear she’s left for the evening. I’m bummed, but figure I may as well head home too. I want to call her, but I don’t want to seem needy and desperate either. So I walk to my car and drive home wondering the whole time if this thing we have is over before it’s even begun?
Danger and Lunar beat me home, and as I walk inside Danger is pulling his shirt off and smiles up at me. “Work out?”
I nod. “Yeah, definitely.” Pumping some iron and letting off some steam is just what I need.
We head out the back to the porch and Danger flicks on the sound system. “We did great today, I fucking love it when we get new tracks down,” he says, and I simply nod.
He raises an eyebrow. “Okay spill. You’ve been weird all afternoon. What’s on your mind?” he asks handing me a dumbbell. I start hammer curling and purse my lips.
“Okay, so hypothetically, what’s it like dating an employee?”
Danger smirks picking up his own dumbbell and starts hammer curling too. “Well, it’s fun especially on tour ‘cause you get to spend time with your partner rather than being on opposite parts of the world. But also hard ‘cause if you fight you’re right there with each other for everyone to see and to judge. Why?”
Shaking my head, I poke out my bottom lip. “No reason.”
Danger snorts. “If you wanted to start something with Tillie you should. You know I was against it at first, but I’m all for it now.”
I stop curling and look at him with furrowed brows then I tilt my head. “You are? Why?”
“I see the way you light up around her. I haven’t seen you like that with anyone but Kati…” he trails off and we both pause taking a breath.
I start curling again.
“Seriously dude, she might push your buttons, but it’s all the right buttons. You need to go for it if she is up for it. ‘Cause trust me, being in love is worth the agony of dealing with your past. Take it from someone who knows.”
“But if I start something with Tillie, isn’t that disrespecting Katie?”
Danger shakes his head. “What’s disrespecting Katie is you not moving on and being happy.”
“I guess.”
“No guessing about it, Ry. She would want you to move on. Katie would not want you wallowing in self-pity and being alone for the rest of your sad existence.”
“I have Lunar, she keeps me company.”
Danger laughs. “No offense, dude, but having a woman who’s like your sister as the only woman in your life besides your mom… is just sad. Tillie’s great. Plus, that whole nerd chick thing she has going on is hot as hell.”
I smirk. “She really is hot isn’t she?”
“Smokin’ dude, but don’t tell Lunar I said that, though. That woman would strangulate my balls in an instant.”
“Yeah…” I laugh. “Yeah, she would.”
I continue to curl as I think about Tillie’s lips against mine, her fingers running through my hair and her body pressed against me. Would it be so bad to allow myself to like her? Maybe Danger is right. Maybe dealing with my past is stopping me from living in the present. I have this amazing woman wanting me for me, warts and all, and I’m holding her at arm's length. I curl harder and faster with a fierce determination.
Tomorrow, I’m going to try harder.
Tomorrow, I’ll be better for her.
Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’m going to make it up to her!
***
I’m at the office, but there’s no sign of Tillie anywhere. It unsettles me slightly as I go in search of
Oliver. I find him in his office tidying his desk like the neat freak he is.
“Hey Oliver, where’s Tillie?”
He lifts his head to look at me and exhales rolling his eyes. “Before you get too excited… no, she hasn’t left. She’s gone to Las Vegas to talk to Zaria Shafir.”
My mouth opens wide, and I shake my head. “As in the Oscar-winning, Israeli goddess, and every teenage boy’s wet dream… Zaria Shafir?” He nods and continues tidying. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Why in the world would she tell you? I’m not supposed to be telling you until it’s a sealed deal. She spoke to her people late yesterday and hopped on a plane last night.”
That’s why she was gone before me last night. She was working on Nate’s big idea. When I thought she was going to get an actress, I thought it would be a B-Grader, not the world’s most wanted female celebrity right now.
“Right… when will she be back?”
He shrugs. “Not sure, depends how long it takes to seal the deal.”
I nod and turn walking out of the room, my head spinning slightly from the information overload. One—Zaria Shafir, and two—Tillie left without telling me. I’m not sure how that sits with me. I thought we were at least at the stage of sharing that kind of information with each other.
Walking out of Oliver’s office, I head to Tillie’s, because I know no one will come in there, and I pull out my cell and dial her number. It rings twice and she picks up.
“Hey.”
“Hi, umm… why didn’t you tell me you were going somewhere?”
She’s quiet for a moment and the silence is deafening.
“Tillie?” I ask making sure she’s still there.
“I’m here, just confused. I wasn’t sure what stage we were at, and I didn’t want to overwhelm you by telling you where I was going and risk you thinking I was trying to take this to a place further than you’re ready to go.”
“So you didn’t tell me because I want to keep us quiet? Is this like a payback thing?”
She scoffs. “What? No! How could you think that? I’m trying here, Ryan. I’ve never had a relationship like this one. I have no idea how I’m supposed to act or what I’m supposed to say or do.”
“And that’s because of me?”
“Well, yeah… you’re the one making the rules on us.”
I scoff. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to know if you jet set off somewhere.”
She exhales. “I’m sorry, I read it wrong.”
I’m not sure what to say back so there’s an awkward silence that filters over us.
“Tillie, I’m ready to discuss now,” a voice echoes in the distance down the line.
“Look Ry, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you when I get back?”
“When will that be?”
“I’m not sure.”
I exhale and nod swallowing hard at the awkward tension between us. “Okay. Tillie… be safe.”
“Of course, I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.”
“Bye, Ryan.” She hangs up her cell and I slump down into her office chair resting my forehead on my arms on her desk.
“Fucking hell,” I murmur under my breath as I close my eyes wishing I didn’t talk to her like that. Now she could be away for days and that’s the last conversation we’ll have until she gets back. I’m a fucking fucker. Why do I have to get so defensive? So irritated? I should have just told her that I’m missing her and I’m looking forward to her coming back. But no, I had to act like an overprotective dick. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Standing back up, I walk out of her office and down to the studio where I know Danger will be. Scrubbing my face as I walk in Danger chuckles.
“You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit, I need a pick me up.”
“Why don’t we go to a club tonight? No booze for you obviously. But we can hang out. Guys only. Play pool. Listen to some music. Be in the VIP area for a bit?”
Nodding my head, I purse my lips. “Yeah, okay, let’s do it.”
Chapter Eleven
We’re heading straight up the stairs of a swanky LA night club. Danger and I have been here before and now that we’re better known, they let us into VIP a hell of a lot easier. Especially with Oliver’s influence on the door. We were going to ask Nate and Matt to come, make a real guys’ night of it, but Danger said he just wanted to spend some downtime with his best mate and I was cool with that. Plus, Nate can be a wanker, and even though I live with and am in a band with Danger, it’s still good to hang out with him on our own occasionally—no girlfriends, no bandmates, just us, best friends against the world and all that.
“Wanna shoot some pool?” Danger asks as we hit the top of the stairs of the VIP area, which isn’t overly crowded.
I nod, and we head over to the offset which is set out just for the pool tables. I grab a cue and start rubbing the tip with the blue chalk. “So how’s life with Lunar?” I ask.
Danger smirks and sets up the balls in the triangle. “Awesome, I’m so glad she came to the States with us. Thinking back to when I thought I’d leave her back in Australia when we came home…” he shakes his head, “… I can’t even comprehend how my life would be right now without her.”
I nod and half-smile. “I know. Even I love the shit out of her, and I don’t get the benefits of banging her.” Danger throws the chalk at me and I chuckle. “But seriously, you screw her over and I’ll be pissed at you.”
He nods heading for the top of the table. He bends down lining his cue up with the white ball. “Dude, if I fuck this up, I give you permission to royally beat the shit out of me.” He thrusts the cue into the white ball and it slams forward scattering all the balls across the table sinking two smalls.
“I’m gonna hold you to that,” I say as he takes another turn, but misses. I walk around the table to take my shot.
“So, we all know that Lunar and Tillie are besties, and Lunar was telling me that she saw a date scene set up on the fire escape. She said she tried talking to Tillie about it but she shut her down, but you know what I think?” I groan. “I think you made a move on Tillie, but something’s gone weird. Did she reject you?”
I smack the ball with too much force and it hits the green ball and it smashes into the edge of the table with such force it flies over the edge and bangs onto the floor. I clench my eyes shut as Danger chuckles.
“Okay, there’s a story here. Talk to me, Ry, man to man.”
I stand back up, opening my eyes and sigh. “It’s hard to explain.”
“Do you like her?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Yeah.”
“Does she like you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then that’s all there is, Ry. Don’t over think it. Don’t over complicate it. Don’t think about your past. I know you haven’t done a relationship since...” he trails off for a second then starts talking again, “… you’ve technically only ever been in one, I get it. But dude, it’s time. Tillie’s great, and she is great for you. You just got to get out of your own head.”
“I know, but I think I’ve fucked it up already.”
“What? How?”
“I—”
I’m interrupted by an abundance of women laughing and cheering as Danger and I turn to the entrance of the VIP lounge to see an entourage coming in. I roll my eyes as I see America’s leading rapper Debt Money moving in with a girl on each arm. Surrounded by a bevy of beautiful women and a crowd of oversized men, the VIP room has gone from relaxed and calm to buzzing and overcrowded in an instant. I look to Danger and curl up my lip in annoyance.
The women in his entourage are definitely groupies and I’ve been there, done that, bought and worn the fucking T-shirt. I don’t have the time or need for that shit anymore. Plus, the only woman on my mind right now is Tillie. I turn shaking my head and take another turn at the pool table wanting to continue on with my game. Suddenly, a hand slaps my ass and I jolt missing completely. Danger chuc
kles then coughs choking on his laugh as another woman runs her hand up his chest. I stand up as the ass slapper does the same to me.
“Can we play with you?” the girl asks Danger as he pulls her off him.
I gently pull the blonde away from me too.
“Not tonight, ladies. It’s boys’ night. Sorry.”
The girls both grunt in annoyance then stand back glaring at us with their arms crossed over their expensive fake tits.
“Don’t you know who we’re here with?”
“Yeah, but that means jack shit to us, darling. We prefer rock over rap,” Danger replies and I laugh fist bumping him.
The girls both smirk and run off. I shake my head looking at Danger who rolls his eyes taking his turn and potting another ball.
“That was fun,” I murmur.
He chuckles. “Yeah, not! Let’s not tell Lunar about that, she’ll hunt them down and gut them.”
I laugh knowing that that’s probably true when I turn to see Debt Money sauntering over toward us with a goon on either side of him.
“Harmony and Melody said you disrespected them and my music, dog.”
I’m dismayed at not only the girl’s names but the hoodlum way Debt Money talks, so I attempt to hide my smirk.
“Umm, no disrespect… dog, but me and my bro here are trying to play some pool. We’re not getting in the way of anyone,” Danger says.
“Yeah but, you’re in my VIP lounge, dog. So you will bow down to my demands or get the fuck out.”
“Excuse me?” Danger snaps throwing the pool cue on the table. I step up putting my hand on his chest as he rushes toward Debt Money, who flashes his gold-toothed grill at us while his two goons step forward.
“I think I told you to get the fuck out.”
“Fuck you!” Danger says, and Debt Money smirks.
“I don’t think pasty white boy is my thing.”
“Good, then get out of our faces and let us play our game. You go back to Harmony and Melody and everything will be peachy,” I say.
