Cole asked the judge to reconsider his decision. Mr. Goldstein explained that there was enough evidence to move this case to a trial. My head spun. All I wanted to do was leave. I didn’t care about the case anymore. I wanted to be left alone.
“We have proof that Mr. Seymour used his client's check as payment for sex.”
“Objection.”
“Overruled.”
Words echoed throughout the court as I pushed my head back until sleep took over my body.
The judge slammed the gavel on the wooden block, and I snapped my eyes open, panic radiating through my body.
The case would go to trial.
I should have been ecstatic, but I wasn’t. I was numb to it all.
“Katherine.”
I heard my name and turned. Mr. Goldstein stood next to Natasha with a wide smile on his face. I forced a smile and waved. “Are you feeling better?” he asked, and I nodded, afraid that if I spoke, he would smell the alcohol on my breath. “This was a great win today, but it means you’ll need to work twice as hard,” he said, and I nodded again. “I’ll need you in the office first thing Monday morning. You’ll need to talk to Ms. Adams about testifying so we can discuss some questions with her. Thank you, Katherine, for going above what was needed of you.”
I didn’t open my mouth to speak. I couldn’t. There was nothing left to say. Evan was a monster, but he wasn’t my monster. Gary was my monster, and yet I hadn’t mustered the courage to speak out against him. Instead, I was the silent victim even though I knew there were others like me. Others he had hurt.
The memories of him showing up at my door and asking me for his forgiveness made me sick to my stomach. I turned around and prayed that I could run out of the courtroom.
“You okay?” Cole asked, and I snapped out of my trance. “Katherine?” he said again, grasping my arm.
“I’m fine.” My voice was low and shaky.
“I’ve been trying to reach you.” He looked over my shoulder to see if anyone else was watching us. “You’ve been ignoring me. Did I do something?”
“I’m… I’m… I’m fine.” I inhaled hoping that the extra oxygen would make the fuzziness clear up. “I’ve been sick,” I lied.
“Can we talk later?”
I nodded, knowing that I didn’t want to talk.
“You can come over.” A grin grew on his face. “I can take care of you.”
The old Katherine wouldn’t have hesitated. The old Katherine would have spent the weekend wrapped in his arms. But the old Katherine was gone. I couldn’t allow myself to feel for him what I did before. How could he love a person like me? How could he love my broken, shattered soul? I always said I was worth more, but I was worthless. I could never allow him to love me fully because it would be out of pity and that I couldn’t take.
The pills would drown it all out.
The pills would quiet the pain.
“Yeah, sure.” I nodded and hoped that my voice didn’t give me away. I had no intention of doing anything this weekend other than finding a way to refill that bottle.
“I’ll be home after seven, but come whenever you want. The doorman will know to let you in.”
I nodded and turned towards the door. When I stepped outside, the warm air hit my skin, and I felt my stomach turn. Holding onto the railing, I walked out of the courtroom as quickly as I could and hailed a cab. Within minutes, I was sitting inside the yellow cab with one destination in mind.
“Where too?” the cabbie asked.
“Penn Station,” I whispered. I needed to see an old friend about a quick refill and the only person I knew that could get me a fake prescription lived in Connecticut.
Soon this would feel better. Soon I’d be too numb to care, and all the other emotions I felt would be gone.
4
Katherine
I watched my ceiling fan rotate, counting each stroke. The cool breeze brushed my skin. My nightmares had been taunting me, keeping me awake even though the oxycodone swam through my bloodstream.
I lay there counting the times the fan spun above my head, imagining what it would feel like if it fell down on me, the possibility of it slicing my throat open. Would I feel any pain or would death be instant?
I’d managed to come back from Connecticut fully stocked. Lawrence, my dealer, had even given me another prescription. It had cost more than I wanted to spend, but I could get a quick refill right in the city.
I needed the memories to vanish, and my hollow shell not to feel the agony, and the only way I knew to make it stop was with the pills. I put on my happy face when other people were around. I smiled and spoke softly this was my new norm.
“Kat?” Lila questioned, knocking on my door before opening it. After our fight, she’d spent over a week at Caleb’s place—the longest amount of time she’d ever stayed away, but she’d been home for the last two days. “I’m going out to the market after I’m done with some laundry. Do you want anything?” This was Lila trying to make amends, but all I really wanted was to be left alone.
“I’m fine. Thanks, though.” I tucked my hands under the pillow.
“Are you okay?” She pushed the door open farther before she strolled in. Sitting on the edge of my bed, she placed her hand on my thigh. “You’ve been locked up in here for the last two days. I wanted to talk to you.”
“So talk.”
“Kat…” She sighed. “I know I said some fucked-up shit, but I was upset. I’m sorry I lashed out.”
“It’s fine.” I shrugged and closed my eyes.
“Why don’t you come with me to the market? It’ll be fun.” I peeled back my heavy eyelids. “We can catch up. You can tell me about your case, and I can tell you about Caleb.” She looked down at me and smiled.
“No thanks.”
“Kat, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” Her voice was laced with concern.
“I just want to be left alone.” I closed my eyes again and turned away from her. My body felt heavy and sleep was coming for me. “I don’t want to catch up, and honestly, I really don’t want to hear about Caleb. I’m sure he’s great but let’s be honest, Lila, you’re just wasting his time. You won’t commit to him, so what’s the point?” It was mean, but I wanted peace. I wanted her out of my room.
“Wow.” I felt the bed move and her stand. “Okay.” She closed the door behind her.
I should have felt guilty for the way I treated Lila.
I should have, but I didn’t.
The following morning, I awoke to Lila and Ben chatting in the living room. My stomach growled with pain. I must have fallen asleep yesterday and slept straight through the night.
I stretched my arms over my head and looked at my phone. There, on my screen, were the missed phone calls and text messages from Cole. I wanted to message him back. I wanted to confide in him and tell him all the painful thoughts that ran through my head. I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and tell me it would all be okay.
But would it?
Would I ever get over what Gary did to me? Would I ever recover from this addiction? The truth was, at that moment, I didn’t want to get clean. I didn’t want to talk about what I was feeling. I wanted the anxiety, the weight that pressed down on my lungs, to disappear.
I wanted to feel nothing.
I cracked my neck and stood. Opening my sock drawer, I contemplated taking a few pills before going out to the living room, something to take the edge off, but I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. I heard Lila laugh as I closed the drawer and left my room.
“Morning, sleepyhead,” Ben said when I walked into the room. Empty breakfast plates were scattered on the coffee table.
“Hey,” I said and sat on the opposite side of them.
“Did you sleep well?” Lila teased.
“Just fine.” I retorted. They exchanged a look, and I swallowed back and looked down at the empty plate.
“There is extra in the kitchen,” Lila added. “Ben wanted to wake you, but you seemed really tired.”
“Yeah, I think the case is catching up to me,” I lied. Honestly, I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone into work. Technically I couldn’t remember what day it was.
“That’s it?” Ben asked with a pursed lip. “Just the case?”
Lila stood and walked into the kitchen. Had they caught on to me? Did they know I was using again? “Yes, the case, Benjamin. Why?”
“Are you sure there isn’t a little baby Rhodes growing inside of you that you haven’t told us about?” He winked, and I felt my stomach drop.
“A what?” I shook my head.
Lila returned with a plate for me. I picked up the toast and took a bite. “I don’t know, Kat. You’ve been really tired lately. And Cole said you’ve been ignoring him. He came to see me at the hospital and he seemed pretty desperate to see you.”
“You’ve talked to Cole?” I couldn’t mask the anger in my voice. “Why would you do that?”
“Hey!” Ben lifted his hands in defense. “He came to us looking for you. He said you’ve been ignoring him.”
“I’m not pregnant.” Was I? No, I took my birth control daily.
“Then what’s going on, Katherine? You’ve been off for the last few weeks,” Lila asked.
“I’ve been off?” I said defensively. “You said I was dumb for sleeping with him, not to mention that you threw in my face that I was tossing my career away for good sex.” I looked over at Lila. “And you—” I glanced at Ben. “You asked if being with Cole was worth my friendship. So please excuse me if I’ve been hiding away in my room ignoring you two. I’ve been working on this stupid fucking case and trying to get everything in order for the trial,” I stated, the lies slipping easily from my mouth. “I’m not pregnant, and whatever is going on between me and Cole is none of your damn business.” I ran my hands through my hair.
“I’m sorry,” Ben said. “We’re just concerned, that’s all.”
“I think I need some fresh air.” I took a bite of my toast.
“I have some errands to run. Why don’t you come with me?” Ben said.
“No, Ben, I think I need to clear my head. I’m going to go to the park and sit by the duck pond.”
“Katherine—”
“No, let her go, Ben,” Lila interjected. She rose and walked over to me. Placing her hands on my shoulders, she looked deep into my eyes. “I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m here if you need anything. You know that, right, Kat?”
Swallowing back the tears that formed from her pitiful look, I nodded. I should have taken a few pills before I stepped out of my room. I picked up my plate with my half-eaten slice of toast and walked back to my room. I quickly changed out of my pajamas and tossed three pills in the back of my mouth before heading out of the house.
Opening the front door, I stepped into the bright sun before I slammed it behind me. The warm Manhattan air tingled on my skin. Since my eyes were still sensitive to light, I kept my head lowered before I found shade under a tree and dug my sunglasses out from my purse. I held my hands over my eyes, opening them slowly so they could adjust to the bright day. My eyes focused on a gum wrapper, a soda can, and pieces of glass until it adjusted to the sun. I should have told them about Gary showing up. I should have opened up to Lila and Ben that I had tossed my sobriety to hell.
For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the last time I had taken my pills. Was I pregnant? An anxiety attack took over my body, and I found it impossible to breathe. My hands slapped over my chest. Think, Katherine. My mind went over the last time I had my period and the last time I was with Cole. My period had come the same night Gary showed up. The first time I’d used after years of being clean.
I wasn’t pregnant.
I stood and massaged my temple. It was then I realized that I was a few steps away from the light post—the light post where Gary had stood and asked me to forgive him. I’d stood in the same place the last time I was me.
I leaned against the tree as I gasped for air. The memories haunted me. His hands on my body, his breath on my skin… It all came crashing down.
I needed to get away.
I needed to be as far away from this place as possible.
From this hell I was living in.
I ran towards Madison Avenue. The yellow cabs invaded the streets of Manhattan. Stepping out on the concrete, I raised my hand in the air, shouting with every bit of strength I had left.
“Taxi!”
Tires screeched a few feet from me. I tugged on the door handle of the Crown Royal before I jumped in. “Hi. Uh…uptown?”
“Do you have a location?” the cabbie asked, looking at me through the rearview mirror.
“Yeah.” I dug vigorously through my purse until I found the prescription Lawrence had given me. “Here.” I gave the cabbie the yellow note with the address.
Passing by an urban area near Washington Heights, I spotted a small pharmacy. I paid the cab fare and ran across the street. I was just a few steps away from the little pills that would make all the monsters in my life disappear.
The bells attached to the back of the door rang when I pushed it open. The warm pharmacy had ceiling fans providing relief to the humid store. I quickly made my way to the back of the small shop, my hands shaking at my sides. The pharmacist stood reading a magazine before she looked up at me. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled the light blue paper.
“Hi, I need a prescription filled.” I slid the paper her way.
“Sure. Do you have insurance?”
“No,” I lied. According to Lawrence you just needed to pay cash.
“Do you have any ID?”
I took my wallet out and handed my driver’s license to her. “I’m having my wisdom teeth pulled out,” I lied again, taking my driver’s license from her.
Her lips frowned as she eyed me. “No Medicaid, no nothing, Mami?”
“No, ma’am.” My voice was shaky. “I’ll be paying cash.” I averted my gaze, focusing on the gossip magazines. Just act cool.
“Listen, Mamita, what you do is none of my business, okay? As long as you pay for the medication, it ain’t my concern. I have bills to pay too. And you’re not the first blanquita that comes in here looking for painkillers.” She typed the prescription into the system and retreated towards the back. “It’ll be ready in fifteen minutes,” she hollered.
An hour and forty-five minutes later I was pushing my front door open to my apartment. It had taken a few extra pills to push away the anxiety, but I was finally high enough to not care. Lila sat on the couch folding her laundry while watching bad reality TV.
“Hey, how was your walk?” she asked.
My prescription was shoved inside my bag of chips. I passed her and rushed towards my room. “Productive. I was able to clear my mind for a bit.”
I closed my bedroom door briefly so I could shove my pills deep in my underwear drawer next to the other bottle. I trudged back out into the living room and sat next to Lila. She handed me the remote, a small grin on her face. “You look better, Kat. The sun did you good. You finally have some color to your skin.”
“Li” I muted the television and looked at her.
“Yeah?”
I moved my gaze back to the television, exhaled the breath that was stuck in my lungs and looked back at her. “What did Cole want?”
“To see if you were okay. He said you’ve been ignoring him.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
“It was rude of Ben and me to think that. You’ve just been off lately.”
“I’m just tired.” I sighed. “I feel like he and I will never work.”
“Why’s that?”
“How can I expect him to truly love all the broken pieces of me?”
“Maybe...” She placed her shirts in the laundry bin and looked up at me. “Maybe, despite what you think of yourself, you’re perfect for him.”
“It’ll never work.”
“You don’t know unless you try.”
“Are you really giving
me relationship advice?”
“Hey.” She slapped my leg. “For your information the week I spent with Caleb was the best thing that could’ve happened. He sat me down, and we talked, and talked, and talked. And I realized that if I didn’t commit to him, I was going to lose him.”
My eyebrows pinched together. “So you two…”
“Are officially a couple.” She smiled up at me. “And it’s scary, and I’m certain I’m going to ruin it at any given moment, but he makes me happy, and I love him. So if you feel something more with Cole, give in to the fear and see where it leads you.”
I had given into the fear. Gary was my fear. Never being worthy of love was my fear. Now I was numb, and the oxy was controlling my body.
5
Cole
Devon: Hey, I’m in town next week. Let’s grab dinner?
Devon: I’m staying at the Ritz in Central Park. I should be there for 7. Dinner at the Star Lounge?
I had three other text messages like those, and they were all from Devon. Every time it chirped I hoped it was Katherine, but to my utter disappointment, it was always Devon who was messaging me. I had given up hope that Katherine would call. She had pushed me away, and I was never one to chase tail.
Me: I’ll be in there for seven.
“Are we doing this or what?” Theo asked tossing his water bottle to the side.
My knuckles ached, and sweat dripped from my body, but I fought through it. “Yeah.” I strapped my boxing glove around my wrist and climbed back into the ring.
I ducked Theo’s jab and pushed an uppercut straight to his jaw. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he staggered back a few feet. I had stood in the ring for the past two hours fighting with Mauricio, my trainer, and now with my brother. It was the only way I could lessen my anger—the stagnant rage that resonated deep inside of me. I had fallen for a girl who ignored me every chance she could. She had stormed into my life, turned it around, and then left. Kicked me to the curb and ignored every single one of my calls.
Redemption (Savior Seires Book 2) Page 2
