Mentally, I replayed the last six months on repeat every second that I was awake. I caught myself thinking about each person I had hurt: Lila, Ben, Mom, and Cole. Eventually, I would have to face them all again.
Emotionally, I was wrecked. Dr. Lawson and I worked through a lot of my anger and devastation. She managed to combine the twelve steps to sobriety and seven steps of grief into “The Katherine Steps.” My rehab time was only supposed to be sixty days, but I wasn’t ready to leave. Even if I had to take out more loans to pay for it, I would. I needed more time. So I marched straight into the admissions office and extended my stay. I needed an additional sixty days—perhaps more. I was pissed at the world, angry with life, and most mornings I found myself crying aimlessly, pouring out my soul on the soaked pillowcases. After breakfast, my anxiety would go through the roof, followed by stress, anger, and then guilt.
My nights took the most out of me. They would start with a dream—one I enjoyed—of Cole. We would be together, laughing, and then it would happen. Then he would turn into Gary. I felt him in my sleep, tearing through me, choking me with a cloth covering my mouth. I woke up screaming, crying, wanting to run and hide. Wanting more drugs.
After my first thirty days, I was given telephone privileges on Sundays, but I’d declined. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, including my mom. I even sent a request for her not to attend family meetings. I wasn’t ready.
The leaves on the trees changed colors and died, snow covered the ground and melted away. The holiday season came and went, but I remained in rehab. I wasn’t ready to rejoin the real world.
A world where Gary ran free.
21
Cole
I looked at the computer screen one last time. I had read the email over a hundred times in the last day, but I couldn’t pull my gaze away.
Benny,
Last week didn’t suck as bad as I expected. My therapist and I have made really good progress, and the nightmares have subsided. I can’t remember the last time I slept this well.
How’s Lila? Is she freaking out about the wedding yet? I know she wasn’t expecting me to prolong my stay here, but I’m not better yet. I’m not ready to face the real world. If Cole and I are ever going to have a chance, I need to make sure that I’m clear of all my demons.
Speaking of Cole, have you heard from him? I really fucked that whole thing up. He is everything I needed, and I never knew a love like ours could resist. He was so good to me, the savior I desperately needed, but I feel like I messed everything up. I have yet to reach out to him. I’m too scared to face him even if it is in an email. The last few times he saw me I wasn’t the Katherine he knew. I miss him though. This time away has given me a chance to see how much I truly fell in love with him. I’ll think of something funny or witty, and I wish I could just call him and tell him. Sounds stupid, no?
Okay, now I’m rambling. Take care, bestie. Thank you for always loving me.
With love,
Katherine.
She had no idea how much I’d fallen in love with her, how much I missed her scent and the way she laughed. I exhaled the breath I was holding in. Ben had forwarded me this last email when I called him for an update.
The knocking on my door startled me. “Mr. Rhodes,” Stephen the architect said as he stepped farther inside my office.
I stood and rounded the desk to greet him. “Thank you for coming.” I pointed behind him. “That’s the space I want to convert into another office.” On the side of my office, there was a private conference room that I reserved for special cases. Alleged murders, drug lords, and the wealthy that needed a discreet space to speak about the money they were laundering. It hadn’t been used in years, and my plan now was to turn it into an office for Katherine. A place for her to study, work ,or escape. A safe place.
Stephen followed behind me as I walked through the small space. “I need this to be an office,” I said as he surveyed the room.
“I see.” He pulled out his laser that measured the distance from one wall to the other. “And do you want these walls taken down?”
“I want this office to look exactly like mine.”
“Um…” He looked from one side to the other.
“I don’t care how much it costs—just get it done.”
“Yes, sir.”
As I walked out of the conference room, I heard my office phone ringing. No one called my office line direct. Hopping it was her, I picked up the phone. “Hello?”
“Mrs. Rhodes,” a unfamiliar female voice greeted me.
“Yes?” I said wary.
“This is Vera, Katherine’s mother.” Her voice was soft much like Katherine’s.
“Oh, yes, hi.”
“I’m so sorry to bother you. I know you’re a busy man.”
“No.” I sat on my chair and jotted her phone number from the caller ID. “Is everything okay with Katherine?”
“Yes—” her voice cracked. “I’m sorry, I’m rarely like this, but since learning about Katherine’s addiction, all I do is cry.” She cleared her throat. “The reason I’m calling is to thank you for what you did for my little girl.”
“There is no need to thank me.” A smile curled up on my lips. “I love your daughter, Ma’am, and I would do anything for her.”
“I’ll pay you back for —”
“That’s not necessary,” I interrupted her. “You and I want the same thing for her. There is no need to worry about paying me a cent back.”
“I don’t know where you came from, Cole, but thank you for what you’ve done—truly. If you won’t let me repay you with money, please come by for some coffee or tea.”
I chuckled. The second I realized I was in love with Katherine, I knew she was one day going to be my wife. I might as well get to know my future mother in law better.
“Of course,” I said before I asked her for her address.
22
Katherine
The rest of my stay flew by until I had but one day of rehab left. The New Year was upon us, and I had one last session with Dr. Lawson before I was released into the real world. For the past four months, I had avoided contact with the outside world except to write letters to my Mom, Lila, and Ben explaining why I had extended my stay. Every time I sat to write Cole a letter I couldn’t find the courage to drag the pen across the paper.
Every day was a battle, a struggle, but once the hurt had passed, I began to find myself again, laughing at jokes, making friends, and even sleeping through the night without the help of medication.
Dr. Lawson suggested that having my mom come in for my final session would be helpful. She knew I’d extended my stay, and that I still didn’t feel one hundred percent, but she didn’t know what had happened to me. The doctor explained it was part of the healing process, letting loved ones back into your life. My only request when she suggested that my mom should come was that she be the one to tell Mom what Gary had done to me. I knew the words would be trapped inside me, unable to come out if I had to sit across from her and tell her. I was Wendy’s whole world. Telling her that I had been molested by her ex-husband, under her own roof, would destroy her.
I sat on the long couch, waiting for them to enter. I had the box of tissues next to me ready for the impending waterworks. I inhaled deeply as I looked at the clock on the wall.
It was now or never.
A soft knock on the door startled me. I wasn’t sure if I was more scared of seeing my mother for the first time, or of her finding out about what had happened. The door pushed open slightly, and her head peeked in before she opened it wider.
“Wendy, hi. Please come in.” My therapist waved for her to enter.
I jumped from the couch, sprinting to my mother, my arms wrapped around her as I buried my head in her shoulder. Her arms pulled me tighter, prolonging our embrace. She released me slowly, her hands resting on my shoulders. “Let me look at you.”
Tears fell down my cheeks. “I’ve missed you, Mom.”
She pu
lled me in for another hug. “I’ve missed you too. I’m so proud of you. So, so, so, proud. I love you so much.”
I let go of her, but my hand was glued to hers as we both sat on the couch. Dr. Lawson smiled as she looked at us. “Wendy, I’ve heard so much about you. Thank you for joining us on Katherine’s last therapy session.”
Mom smiled at me before she looked at Dr. Lawson. “Thank you for having me, and for helping my little girl.”
I held her hand, and inhaled deeply, drawing much needed oxygen into my lungs before I spoke. “Mom, I want you to know what has happened while I was here. There are things I want you to know.” My voice cracked.
“Wendy,” Dr. Lawson began when my eyes focused on her, pleading with her to help me with this, “Katherine has given me permission to discuss our sessions with you. I’ll step in when she needs help.”
“Kat?” Mom studied me with a concerned expression. “Is everything okay?”
“I know you have a lot of questions and I know it’s very difficult to see me like this,” I said and wiped a tear away from my face. “But I suffer from PTSD.”
“PTSD?” my mother asked.
“It’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.”
“I know what it is, Katherine, I just don’t understand what would have caused you to have that.” Her voice grew louder with hysteria.
“Wendy,” Dr. Lawson interrupted. “Try to stay calm. I know this is a very tough time for you but know that this is hard on Katherine as well.”
“Mom, please don’t cry.” I reached out for her other hand. “I’m okay now.”
“Please, Katherine, tell me why you’re here.” She sniffled back and swallowed. “I feel like I failed you.”
“You didn’t fail, Mom, but what I have to tell you might be a little hard to hear.”
She nodded, and I gripped her hands tighter. I inhaled slowly and exhaled the tension that had built up in my chest. “The reason I became addicted to opioids was because of Gary.”
“My ex-husband,” she whispered.
I nodded. “When you two were married he would sneak into my room in the middle of the night and—”
“No.” She pulled her hands away from mine and covered her face. “No, Katherine.”
“Mom—”
“I will kill him!” She cried harder. “I will fucking kill that bastard!” She bent over and cried into her palms. Her shoulders shook as she tried to control her sobs.
“Mommy.” I placed my hand on her shoulder. “This isn’t your fault.”
“It is.” She shook her head, and I saw the pain in her eyes. “I should’ve known. You went from being my little girl to being a cold teenager.” She closed her eyes and tears poured down her cheeks. “I was supposed to protect you, and I didn’t.”
“I never said anything,” I added. “I was too afraid to speak up. I was ashamed. I was afraid we would lose our house. He threatened me,” I cried, and my mother pulled me into her arms. “I’m so sorry.”
“This isn’t your fault.” She kissed the top of my head. “What happened to you should’ve never happened. And I’m so sorry you were afraid to tell me.”
“Mom, please don’t cry,” I sobbed with her. “I’m better now.”
She pulled away and looked into my eyes for answers. “How could you be, after everything?” she asked, pushing my hair behind my ears.
“I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I don’t want to keep living my life scared and running. Doctor Lawson and I have worked hard at this. I’m clean. I don’t crave the need to feel numb anymore, and even though I’m scared of the memories, I know I’m ready.”
“Are you sure? You can stay with me for a while.” She wiped her tears.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m ready to go home. My home, Mom. Dr. Lawson has recommended a therapist in the city, and I need to get back to living.”
My mom nodded before she hugged me tightly, holding me in her arms. Dr. Lawson explained to her how my stay here was and which course of action she thought would be best for me. We cried some more as I shared when I first started using and why I had a relapse, but towards the end of the session we were both smiling, happy to be with each other.
After, I showed her around the facility, introduced her to the friends I’d made, and brought her to my room where she helped me pack. Throughout the tour her arm was glued to mine, almost as if she was scared something would happen to me. A feeling of comfort washed over me. After all these years, my mother’s main concern was my well-being.
“Can you check those drawers for me one last time?” I asked as I stuffed my clothes into my suitcase.
My mom hopped off the bed and began opening each drawer, looking for any belonging I may have left behind. She shut the last drawer when she was done. “Nope, all clear.”
“I can’t believe this is it.” I zipped the suitcase shut.
“This is a nice facility,” she said, looking out my bedroom window that overlooked the pond. “Cole did a good job.”
The sound of his name made my heart clench. It had been months since I’d seen him last. I had focused solely on me while I was here, but I hadn’t forgotten him. The love I had for him could not be erased from my soul. What we shared was undeniable. He was my savior, like the sun that rose after the catastrophic storm.
I stood quietly, unable to speak. The last time I saw him was when he’d taken me in his arms and bathed me. It was the most loving moment in my life, and one of the saddest. He had tucked me into bed that night, but I had asked him to give me time to heal. It was the last time his lips grazed my forehead. Cole had funded my stay here, and I had a feeling he and Mom had talked since then.
“Sorry,” my mom apologized when she noticed me playing with my fingers. “He seems nice. I met him when I went to talk to Lila about you.”
“It’s okay, really.” I shook my head. “I’m starving. Should we get lunch?”
“Yeah, that sounds great.”
I slid my chair out and shoved my tray across from hers on the table. For cafeteria food it was amazing, and I sure as hell wasn’t complaining since it was all that was available to me. My mom picked at her salad as I devoured my bacon cheeseburger. She told me about work and how Lila was eager to have me back, but I wanted to know about Cole. I needed to know if she knew anything at all about him.
“Have you heard from him? Recently, I mean,” I mumbled quickly before I stuffed my face with fries.
“Who?”
“Cole,” I said as I dipped my fries in ketchup.
“Oh.” She paused. “Um ... yes. Once Lila informed me that he had paid for your stay here, I asked her for his number and called to thank him.”
“Hmm…” I kept my gaze focused on my fries.
“He called a couple of times after, asking how you were doing. We all called each other when we received a letter from you. And I had him help me with a few finances.”
I swallowed the food in my mouth and stared at her. “Mom, he has already done so much. He paid for my rehab, and now you asked to borrow money? I’m never going to able to face him or pay him back.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then how is it?” I pushed my tray forward and crossed my arms.
“I called him for advice. I had a few thousand dollars stashed away and let’s be honest, honey, I have commitment issues. I need to protect what I have in the event Douglas and I get divorced. I also didn’t want you to leave rehab with the added stress of debt. He had his financial advisor look at it, and as of last quarter they quadrupled that money.”
My mouth dropped wide open at her statement. “Quadrupled?”
“Yep.” She grinned and stuck her tongue out at me. “He even consolidated your student loans. In a few days, a percentage will be transferred to your checking account, a percentage will be reinvested, and the rest will go into your savings account.”
“And my student loans?”
“From what Cole said, you should be debt-free in only a few
quarters.”
I was dumbfounded. He hadn’t heard a word from me—not even a simple thank you—yet he still found ways to help me when I needed it most.
It was my first weekend home since rehab. I’d been home two days and had yet to step outside. I was petrified. Convinced that I would either take a cab to get high again or that Gary would be outside waiting for me.
The only thing I had done, since coming home, was eat three pints of ice-cream. Lila was busy with work, taking a couple of extra weekend shifts so she could have enough time off for her wedding, and Ben had become a permanent resident in my room. He had been here since the day I arrived and, according to him, had no intention of leaving my side.
He lay on my bed with the TV remote in his hand as he flicked through channels. I was glued next to him, catching up on some light reading. It wasn’t until I hit the end of my book that I realized I needed to get some fresh air. The sun was shining, though it was freezing outside, and I couldn’t stay inside much longer.
I plugged my Kindle back into the charger and walked over to stand in front of the television. “What’s the matter?” he asked, a pleasant smile occupying his face.
“I need to get some air. Do you want to go for a walk?” I didn’t just need air. Once my mind was made up that I wanted to step out into the real world, the list of things I needed to do snowballed.
“Sure, you want to go to the park?”
“Actually, I have a different idea.” My eyebrows shot up, and a big, full smile spread across my face.
Once Ben and I were both showered and out of the house, our first stop was a CrossFit gym. I had passed by it on occasion, seen people run in and out of it and had always been too chickenshit to go inside. I used the gym at the YMCA to stay in shape, but now I wanted to challenge myself. I needed to build endurance, gain strength, and know that I had enough of it to outrun any possible attacker.
“Kat, this shit looks intense. Are you sure you want to do this?” Ben leaned closer as we approached the receptionist.
Redemption (Savior Seires Book 2) Page 12
