by Sam Mariano
“I take it from the lack of Vince at this table, you had another sleepover. How was that?” I ask, somewhat stiffly.
He grins at me. “Satisfying.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Mateo.”
Mateo laughs, lifting his coffee cup and taking a drink. “How many times are you going to need reassurance that I’m not fucking her?”
“At least as many times as she sleeps in your bed. At least that many.”
“She wouldn’t be so glum if I’d have fucked her,” he informs me.
Rolling my eyes, I shoot back, “That’s not how I remember it.”
This does not amuse him. He doesn’t have the decency to look ashamed, but he does lose his smile.
I give up on Elise’s assignment completely. “Look, I was going to try not to judge you today, but… that’s not panning out. Elise thought…” I trail off, shaking my head. “Anyway, that’s not going to work. Even if I could manage it today, I wouldn’t be able to keep it up.”
He shrugs, unconcerned. “I’m used to it.”
“But I didn’t sign on to work for you this time because of Cherie and Colin. Before you started your manipulative shit, I was already planning to talk to you about staying on; I just hadn’t brought it up yet. I’m not loyal to you because I have to be, Mateo. I’m loyal to you because—for some demented reason—I want to be.”
His gaze lingers on me, considering. Words are often flimsy, but not mine, and he knows that. I certainly don’t run scared, and in personal matters, I never lie to get my way. I am, in nearly every way, the opposite of the man sitting across the table from me. I do have my own moral code, and he doesn’t fit it—but neither would I, if I moved against him to benefit myself. Loyalty matters to me, and he knows that. I would need far more incentive than his position offers to betray not only him, but myself.
Finally, Mateo nods. He still holds my gaze, and this time there’s no wall up. This time he feels more sincere.
“Good,” he finally says.
“Are we?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
Mateo gives me one more nod. “We are.”
---
I’m not much for the idea of martyrdom, but I get to thinking about it when I come up with a risky idea that might work. Lying in bed with Elise’s soft, warm body nestled against me, I think I must be a fool for even considering it.
It’s high-risk, high-reward. If it succeeds, I save us all a lot of pain and suffering. If it fails, I probably die. I’ve taken on jobs with exactly those odds before, but I’ve never had something so worth sticking around for.
Now I have Elise.
Now I have the potential existence of Westley and Candace to consider, apparently.
It’s not just me anymore, and as hesitant as I’ve been at times to accept it, it doesn’t feel like it ever will be again. For the first time in my life, I have so much to lose.
So how do I take the kind of risk I’m thinking about, putting my life on the line, for Mateo?
But it isn’t just for him. As much as I’ve denied it when it came up, as much as I dislike the Morellis most days, this is my family. Whether or not the same blood runs through our veins, Mateo is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a brother.
I’d never admit that to him, of course. I never even wanted to admit it to myself.
But I don’t want any more deaths in the family. I don’t want to have more funerals. And if I didn’t have all that I have now, if Elise wasn’t mine, if an actual family and future didn’t dangle within my reach… I would make the high-risk move. Maybe I would succeed and save Mateo’s family from a war; maybe I would fail, and die.
But I’d do it. Without batting an eye. And that’s what made me good.
The temptation to not be good anymore scares me. The resistance to take risks that I need to take for the good of everyone.
Well, nearly everyone.
This would’ve been such an easy decision before, and it isn’t now, and that’s a problem. Sure, I’ve had my first taste of happiness, but what happens if Mateo figures that out? What happens if I’m not useful anymore? Bad enough Matt had to go and make me a potential threat—what if happiness makes me less effective?
I’m going to have to take the risk. The certainty moves through me, heavy and cold, settling in my gut. I don’t like the taste of fear. I’m not accustomed to it, and looking over at Elise’s face, so peaceful in sleep, I wonder if it’s always going to be like this. Is this a new burden I’m going to have to carry? Since she became mine, it’s been there niggling at me every damn day—is it just because it’s new, or is this my new normal? If I’m already feeling this way, what happens if we do have those kids? What happens if there is room in my heart for them, and they get lodged there, and I start feeling again? What if I feel the fear again? What if I feel it every damn day of my life?
My life isn’t cut out for them. I don’t know what Mateo was thinking, letting me have all this. Of course he couldn’t have been sure I’d respond to it this way—he doesn’t know yet, as far as I can tell—but he has it already; doesn’t he feel it? Every time he steps outside this house there’s a target on his back. I guess there’s always been one on mine, too, but I never noticed. It never mattered.
It matters now.
But I can’t let it stop me from doing what needs to be done, so I guess I just have to live with the fear. Shove it down. Hide it. Pretend it isn’t there, and let it gnaw away at me every day.
I’ve already offered him my loyalty. The Morellis offer no take-backs.
I watch Elise’s face as I move my arm out from under her, trying to move her enough to wake her up.
She just rolls over.
Dammit.
Deciding to be a little less subtle, I lean in and drop a soft kiss against the ball of her shoulder. Then I proceed in toward her collar bone, pulling her over so she’s on her back, continuing the trail along her chest.
Her eyes open and she gives me a sleepy smile. “Can I help you?”
“Oh, you’re awake,” I say, feigning surprise.
Her sleepy smile turns into a grin and she brings her arms around my neck, pulling me down to kiss her. “Can’t sleep?” she asks, when I pull back.
I shake my head, watching her beautiful face as I bring my hand up to tuck her hair behind her ears. “Can’t sleep,” I verify.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Lots.”
She smiles. “That’s incredibly specific.”
“When do you want to have kids?”
Her eyebrows rise, apparently not counting on that question. “I don’t know. I’m pretty much ready when you are, but you don’t seem like you’re in a hurry.”
“But when do you want them?” I ask her, dropping a kiss to her cleavage, then looking at her again.
Narrowing her eyes slightly, like she’s trying to figure me out, she asks, “Why?”
I can’t seem to stop touching her. I think it alarms her, as I trail my hand down her arm to her elbow and back, catching her wrist and bringing it to my lips, dropping a little kiss there.
Suddenly she frowns and tries to sit up. I don’t let her; I want to stay here, anchoring her beneath me. “What’s wrong, Adrian? Is this about the stuff with Mateo? Has something else happened?”
I shake my head, greeting her alarm with calm. “No. It’s just… you know, there’s some dodgy shit going on right now, and I’m in charge of some of the more dangerous operations.”
“But you’ve always been in charge of that stuff, and you’ve always been fine,” she points out.
“I never worried about whether I was or not. You were more a fantasy than a real goal. I knew you were the light at the end of the tunnel, but… I don’t know. I don’t think I ever expected to reach it.”
Her brow furrows. “You didn’t really want me?”
I almost chuckle at that one. “No, I wanted you more than anything. Sometimes you just chase something for so long, you can’t imagine actually getting it. And maybe
you do, but you don’t know what to do with it.”
“I think you’ve figured out what to do with me just fine,” she assures me, wryly.
I pause, trying to find the right words to explain. “I don’t know how to be the man I was before, and the man I am with you.”
Elise considers my words, her pouty lips pursing. I’m just about to give up on talking, because those lips, but then she says, “Maybe you don’t. Maybe it’s time to move into a new phase of life, become… a blend of both. Or something entirely new. Whatever makes you happy.”
“That was never a part of who I was before,” I tell her.
“Well, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it should’ve been. No point dwelling on it now, but just be glad you found your way out of that and appreciate what you have. Which you do,” she adds, reaching out and caressing the damaged side of my face.
I swore I wasn’t going to say it, but nothing she’s said to me has talked me out of my stupid plan, so I do.
“I love you, Elise.”
Smiling back at me, without even a beat of hesitation, she says, “I love you too, Adrian.”
I don’t believe that, not yet. Maybe it’s true and I’m overly skeptical, or maybe she’s just saying it because she’s Elise, and she’s kind, and she does care about me, and she plans to love me, someday…
I just needed to hear it now, in case I don’t get to hear it later.
“Don’t be sad,” she whispers. “That’s not supposed to make you sad.”
I try to smile, to reassure her, but it doesn’t really happen.
“I mean it,” she says, misunderstanding my response. She knows I’m always doubting her sincerity, blaming things on her ‘programming.’ Meeting my gaze, holding my face in place with both hands now so I can’t look away, she tells me, “You are the best man I’ve ever met in my whole life. I’d be crazy not to love you.”
I don’t know if it’s her words or the fierce look in her eyes, but something makes it through. It feels good and terrible at the same time, like a heavy weight is slowly crushing me, but it’s the weight of feelings I’ve never been able to access. I’m somehow yearning for something I already have, and even as my fingertips skim Elise’s torso, it feels like I’ll never be able to reach her.
I don’t have the capability to express what I’m feeling with words, so I do it the only way I know how.
And I don’t use a condom.
Chapter Twenty One
I’m getting damn tired of making the trek to Mateo’s wing of the house.
I feel so damn depressed the whole way there, too. Elise is asleep again, and all I want in the world is to lie there beside her, holding her in my arms, but there’s too much to take care of. Just in case I get myself killed, I need to know the lives I’m responsible for are going to be in good shape.
The door’s cracked open, not latched shut, and I can see a light’s still on inside. I sort of expected them to be asleep, for this visit to be just like my last, but Mateo never sleeps with the light on.
This time, I knock on Mateo’s door.
“Come on in,” Meg calls.
Easing open the door, I’m half-worried about what I’m going to see.
There’s Mateo on the bed with Mia and Meg… and a Scrabble board.
The first part doesn’t surprise me as much as the second part, and I scowl at the scene. Meg and Mia are both in pajamas, but Mateo hasn’t undressed for bed yet. His jacket’s off, shirt sleeves rolled up, but he looks right at home in the center, the girls on either side of him, like at dinner.
Meg lights up when she sees me. “Adrian! Join us.”
“What the hell are you guys doing?” I ask.
Mia glances over her shoulder at me. “Meg can’t sleep.”
“And when Meg can’t sleep, ain’t nobody sleeping,” Meg says, about herself.
“You might think some of us should get to, since some of us have to get up early in the morning for work,” Mia adds.
Meg concludes, “But you would be wrong.”
Mia nods, rearranging her Scrabble tiles.
Meg grabs the bag and starts counting out tiles for me. “Come on, Adrian. Have a seat.”
“I really don’t want to play Scrabble.”
“Please?” she asks, flashing me puppy dog eyes and a pout.
“That’s not going to work on me,” I tell her.
“Vince told me you’re the best. He told me you even beat Mateo. I can’t express to you how much I’ve wanted this moment to happen. I’ve literally fantasized about it.”
“Us with Mia and Adrian?” Mateo asks, quirking an eyebrow.
“Playing Scrabble,” she says, rolling her eyes.
Warily glancing between all three of them, I decide this isn’t my problem and shake my head. “I need Mateo for a minute.”
“Nope,” Meg says, shaking her head. “Sorry, bud. It’s after midnight; he’s all mine until morning.”
“It can’t wait until morning.”
“Is it about Castellanos?” Meg asks, this time seriously.
“No.”
“Is it life or death?”
“Well… no.”
Nodding once, she says, “Okay, then you can’t have him.” Now she smiles. “Of course, if you really need an audience tonight, you could play me for him.”
Looking to Mateo, I ask, “Is she drunk?”
He shakes his head no. “Just crazy.”
Narrowing her eyes at him, she says, “You love it, Morelli.”
“I never denied that,” he replies.
Mia looks as exasperated with me as I usually am with her. “Just agree to one round or we’re gonna be here all night.”
Sighing heavily, I approach the bed with no small amount of trepidation. “This is hands-down the weirdest thing I’ve ever done in this house.”
Clapping victoriously, Meg says, “Yay! This is going to be awesome.”
“This is going to be epigrammatic,” I inform her, sitting at the edge of the bed, and uncomfortable even there.
Meg grimaces. “I don’t know what that means.”
Mateo smirks at her. “It means you’re going to lose.”
---
It takes me less than a half hour to soundly beat them.
“Did you cheat somehow?” Meg asks, lifting my letter tray to search under it.
“I’ll take my audience with the king now,” I say, dryly.
“You have to promise to come back and do this again. Mateo was crushing us before you came in.” Now she waves him off, like he’s insignificant. “Next time we play teams, and I want you.”
“Hey,” Mateo says, as if offended.
“Sorry, baby. I wanna win.”
Mateo shakes his head in mock-disappointment, but Mia comes to his rescue. “That’s okay, I’ll take Mateo.”
“Yeah,” Mateo says, unaccountably sliding his arm around Mia’s shoulder and tugging her against him. “Mia’ll take me.”
Mia turns several shades of red, losing her humor but making no move to pull away.
Meg just rolls her eyes at Mateo’s attempt to annoy her, somehow less concerned about this than me or Mia. “She can have you; I’ve got an ace in the hole over here.”
“You’re so cold,” Mateo tells Meg.
“That’s why you love me,” she states.
Releasing Mia, Mateo climbs off the bed. I got up as soon as I possibly could, so I’m already halfway to the door. We don’t go far—just out in the hall, but he closes his bedroom door behind him so we have a little privacy.
“What’s so important?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.
This is not what I came to ask, but I’m feeling very confused right now. “Does Mia live here now? Is she still with Vince? What the hell is going on?”
“No,” he says casually. “She’s just staying until the Castellanos threat has been lifted. I invited Vince, too,” he adds, rolling his eyes. “He was not interested.”
“In Scrabb
le parties and sleepovers in your bedroom? Go figure.”
“I assume he doesn’t know about those things,” Mateo replies, clearly not caring either way.
I feel ten times heavier now than I did when I walked up here. If I die, who in the hell is going to keep this man alive? “That poor fucking kid.”
“It’s perfectly harmless,” he assures me.
“Nothing you do is ever harmless,” I state.
Mateo rolls his eyes at me, sighing. “Did you really come up here at this time of night to talk about Mia again? I’m starting to think you’re the one with a thing for her.”
I glare at him for that one. “Not hardly.”
“Then what’s on your mind?”
I shake my head, still hung up on his shit. Not even this, specifically, just the ballpark figure of how many of this man’s messes I’ve cleaned up over the years, that I continue to clean up, and he had the gall to doubt me.
Even now, when I think it’s over, I don’t really know what to expect from him. I always get to a point where I think I know what to expect from him, where he stands, and then I blink and it changes.
“You’re the most unstable person in the world,” I inform him.
“That’s what’s on your mind?”
I force myself to stop pacing and meet his gaze. “I need to know what happens to Elise if something happens to me.”
Mateo scowls, suddenly serious. “If something happens to you?”
“Yes.”
Frowning, Mateo says, “Adrian, I already told you we’re good. We’re fine. Nothing’s going to happen to you.”
“I didn’t mean at your hands,” I tell him. “We both know I do dangerous shit. We both know the risks of this Castellanos situation, and I’m not on the sidelines, I’m right in the thick of it, calling the shots. I want to be there to give Elise the life she deserves, but I need to know you’re going to make sure she’s taken care of if I’m not.”
He watches me, gauging my seriousness, and finally he nods. “Of course I would, Adrian.”
“None of your bullshit,” I specify.
Mateo rolls his eyes. “Trust me, that’s the last thing I need.”
