by Carian Cole
Next thing I know, I’m driving over to the abandoned house to retrieve the dishes even though I swore to myself I’d never set foot on that property again. The sun is setting in the distance when I arrive, and I try to fight off the tears and ache in my gut knowing Blue won’t be coming around the corner of the house to greet me. Just as I assumed, the dog dishes are under the tarp with the other items. Shaking my head with a myriad of sadness and frustration, I pull them out and turn to leave, but stop in my tracks when something very odd catches my eye. All the notebooks are neatly stacked again, and I know damn well they weren’t like that when I left earlier.
Am I losing my mind? Or has someone been here?
My heart pumps hard in my chest. For all the time I spent on this property hiding in that shed, I never once saw another person here except for Blue. So either someone’s been in this house the entire time—which seems very unlikely—or Blue has been coming and going in here today, and could possibly still be here.
I race to the door to the kitchen and rattle the locked doorknob, then bang loudly on the door.
“Blue! Are you in there? I swear to God you better come out here and talk to me if you are!” I peer into the window, but I don’t see anyone. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I scream. “I thought you loved me!”
The creaking of the empty birdcages swinging is the only sound.
Mumbling under my breath and with tears falling down my face, I walk to my car and drive away. But I don’t go home, like I should—like a normal person would. Because right now I’m emotionally crushed with a broken heart and I can’t think rationally at all. I drive my car to the next street over, park it in front of someone’s house, and then walk back to the abandoned house in the dark. As quietly as I can, I creep back onto the porch, and hide myself under the tarp, against the side of the house. I pull the down comforter over me to keep myself warm, and the hysterical sobs start all over again because it smells of smoke and sex and us. Memories assault me like a swarm of stinging bees, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to escape them or not see them, to not feel their pain penetrating deep into my very soul. Closing my eyes does nothing to shield me from visions that are forever burned in my mind.
His smile. Him playing guitar. The way his eyes would sparkle or darken with emotion. Him hugging Acorn. His body on top of mine. The feather against his hair.
How could he take all my favorite things in life away from me? Everything I looked forward to each and every day—just stripped away from me. I know that he must know what this feels like. In fact, I believe that he knows exactly how it feels to have everything I need and want and love so much stripped away without the slightest warning. He’s forced me to quit cold turkey and live without the high that being with him gave me.
I huddle under the tarp for hours, hoping and waiting for Blue to show up, but he never does. Exhausted with defeat and chilled to the bone, I walk back to my car, not even having the sense of mind to care that I’m walking around after midnight, in the middle of a dark road like a zombie. Numbness overtook logic hours ago.
I’m dragged out of my stupor the moment I open my apartment door to a horribly putrid smell. I gasp when I see the mess before me—dog poop and garbage strewn all over the living room and kitchen. Acorn is cowering in the corner and Archie is perched high on his cat tree with an expression of severe judgment and disapproval.
Oh my God.
I kneel next to Acorn, who’s trembling with what I can only guess is a mix of guilt and fear.
“It’s okay,” I soothe, stroking the soft fur between his eyes. “It’s not your fault.” I coax him into the backyard so he can get some air while I clean up the mess. I can’t even be mad at him because it’s my fault for leaving him alone for so long. I don’t know if Acorn’s ever lived in a house before, and now that I’m forced to think about it, he’s probably not used to being alone, either. Blue took him everywhere. Having a dog in my life is going to take some getting used to, but I’m not going to abandon Acorn like Blue did. I have no idea why he left his dog—his best friend—with me. Hopefully because he thought we needed each other, which is a lot easier to accept than the possibility that he’s a selfish bastard who didn’t care about either of us.
It takes me a while to scrub the stains out of the carpet, and I surpassed exhaustion hours ago. The new sheets on my bed are covered with the scent of Blue and the memories of our night together, so I crash on the couch to escape. I’m jolted awake by the doorbell. With a leaping heart, I run for the front door and swing it open to see my parents and sister with balloons and a flowering plant. Blinking at them, I wonder what kind of sick joke this is that they came here to celebrate my broken heart with colored balloons.
“Happy housewarming!” Courtney exclaims, throwing her arms around me. “I miss you already.”
Oh shit. How is it Sunday already?
Forcing a smile, I run my fingers through my knotty hair. “Come on in.”
“Honey, you look terrible,” my mother comments, placing the plant on a small table next to the front door. “Are you sick?”
“You have a dog now? When did you get a dog?” my father asks, prompting Courtney to run to Acorn and fall to the floor next to him.
“Oh my God he’s so cute! What’s his name?”
My brain is in a fog from lack of sleep. “Um, he belongs to a friend of mine who asked me to take care of him. His name his Acorn.”
My mom is still looking at me with growing motherly concern, and reaches out to touch my forehead. “Piper, what’s wrong? You’re pale and blotchy.”
“I just have a bad cold, and I haven’t been sleeping well.” I hate lying to people. Especially my parents. “I’m fine, though. To be honest, I forgot you were coming and I overslept.”
Her smile wavers. “We don’t have to stay, we just—”
“No, Mom, it’s fine. I want you guys to stay. Really. Just give me a minute to go wash my face.”
From the safety of my bathroom, I can hear them whispering about me, and I cringe when my father suggests I might be hung over. Does he honestly think after just a few nights of living alone I’d start drinking?
“You should have a deadbolt on this door,” my father says when I return to the living room. “I’ll bring one over and install it one night during the week.”
“Okay. This is a nice neighborhood, though.”
“You can’t be too careful. The dog is probably a good idea. Does he bark if he hears a noise outside?”
I can’t recall ever hearing Acorn bark, not even when the doorbell rang, but I’m sure he must, because dogs bark at all sorts of things. “I think he does.”
My sister flops on the floor on her back and smiles upside down at me. “This apartment is amazing. I can’t wait to get my own place. Can I stay overnight tonight? We can make popcorn, and watch movies and—”
Oh no. I can’t have an audience all day and night when I’m in the middle of a meltdown. I need way more time alone to get my head together. “I wish you could but I have to be up early for work tomorrow. How about Friday night?” Maybe by Friday, Blue will be back, we can put all this behind us, and everything will be good again. He might even be open to stopping by to meet my sister.
“You promise?” Courtney asks.
I smile, more at my daydream than at her. “Yes. I promise.”
My mom starts to talk about how cute the apartment is, how she loves the colors and how bright and airy it is with all the windows, and Courtney announces how she wants to move into my old space in the basement. I’m barely listening when my parents tell her that isn’t happening any time soon. My mind keeps wandering back to Blue. Why did he leave? Where did he go? What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t love enough to get him to stay?
“Piper, did you hear me?”
Shaking my head, I turn to face my mother’s questioning gaze. “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t.”
“We were hoping we’d get to meet your boyfriend today.”
>
“Oh.” I grind my teeth. “We kinda broke up.”
“Who dumped who?” Courtney sits up, instantly interested, because she’s at that phase in teen life when she loves any kind of drama and gossip.
I twist my hands together in my lap and force the words over the lump in my throat. “Um, it was mostly mutual. He had to move.”
That’s one way of putting it.
My mother smiles sympathetically. “I’m sorry to hear that. But it’s probably for the best. You haven’t been yourself while you’ve been dating that boy. You’ve been withdrawn and anxious. You’re a beautiful young woman, you’ll forget about him in no time and find the right one to sweep you off your feet.”
I’ve already been swept, and I’ll never forget Blue. He’s always going to be the one who has my heart. I know that without a doubt. He might be complicated, but he’s the right one and the only one.
“You can’t trust a man who won’t meet your family or come pick you up and take you out. He’s obviously got something to hide, or he’s just a user and doesn’t know how to treat a woman. You’re too good for someone like that. You’re a good girl. Don’t lower yourself,” my father lectures. “Remember this, he’s not going to buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free. You have to make him work for it and respect it.”
Courtney goes into a fit of giggles while I look at my father like he’s insane. “Dad, really? That’s a horrible thing to say. I’m not a slut or a cow and I wasn’t getting used. We really care about each other.”
Glaring at my father, my mother jumps in to try to lessen the blow. “That’s not what your father meant. You have a good heart, you’re very giving and you trust everyone. People will take advantage of you.”
I can’t believe my father just referred to me as a cow and insinuated I’ve been handing out the goods. Even though I just got dumped in the worst way possible, I know Blue wasn’t using me. I know he loves me as much as I love him. I just don’t have the mental strength to explain any of it to my parents right now when my heart is still bleeding from the aftermath of Blue’s sudden disappearance.
Hours later, I’m relieved when my parents go back home. Wearing a fake smile and holding back tears is exhausting. This should have been a happy day for me to show off my new place and make my parents proud of me. Instead, I’m a mess and my father thinks I’m a cow who took up drinking and allows men to use me.
Ditra would love that visual.
No matter what, I always end up being some kind of awkward outcast.
Chapter Fifteen
I’m hardly ever late for anything. In fact, I’m usually a few minutes early for appointments and meetings. When my sisters and I were young, my mother was constantly rushing us around. She instilled in us that not being on time was bad manners. She definitely did not believe in being fashionably late.
But I never considered being late terrifying.
Until today.
“You’re pregnant.”
The room spins so fast I grip the edges of the exam table to keep myself from tumbling off onto the floor.
“Piper?” Dr. Green touches my shoulder and motions for the nurse to get me a cup of water.
My head reels, my vision blurs, and the doctor’s voice echoes around me. “That can’t be....” I shake my head slowly. “It must be a mistake. I’m on the pill. You gave it to me.”
“It’s not one hundred percent guaranteed, unfortunately. Have you been taking it every day?”
“Yes,” I reply, but that’s not exactly true. There were those nights when Blue asked me to stay in the shed with him, and we snuggled, and talked, and made love all night. When I finally went home the next day, I either forgot to take the pill or skipped it because I didn’t know what else to do.
I take the cup from the nurse and gulp the cold water, flooding my throat and stomach, hoping to wash this all away. There must be a way to undo this and make it not so.
I’m smart. I’m responsible. I’m not the kind of girl who gets pregnant. That happens to other girls who aren’t careful.
That’s you now, Piper. A cow who got used and thrown away with a dog and a baby.
I stare into my empty paper cup. “Actually... I think there may have been a few times I forgot to take it.”
“It has to be taken every day to be effective.” Dr. Green flips through her notes in my folder and then glances back to me. “I’m going to assume you weren’t using condoms at the time?”
I shake my head, humiliation thrumming through my veins like acid.
“H-how far along am I?” I ask.
“Looks like just about ten weeks. We’ll schedule an ultrasound in two weeks and you can see your baby. You’re welcome to bring the father.”
“We’re not together anymore.” I tremble uncontrollably and burst into choking tears. The nurse hands me a box of tissues and I balance it on my lap. “He left….”
“Piper, I’m very sorry to hear that.”
Ten weeks. It’s been eight weeks since Blue left. During that time, I’ve prowled every park and train station in a hundred-mile radius trying to find him, to no avail. He could be anywhere by now.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do....” I sob, blotting my eyes with the scratchy tissue. “I don’t even know where he is.”
Dr. Green hands me a business card and several pamphlets with photos of pregnant teens and babies on them. “We have a counselor on staff. I think it would be good for you to talk with her about your decisions and choices.”
The words ricochet between my ears. Decisions and choices.
Somehow, just like that, my quiet, boring, little life is gone forever.
Chapter Sixteen
“It’s nice to have you home for dinner. We’ve only seen you twice since you moved out,” my mom says from behind the platter of ziti and meatballs in the center of the table.
“I’ve been really busy with work, I told you I started my new position as marketing assistant last week.”
“That’s terrific. Do you like it?”
I nod and swallow my food. “Yes, it’s been great. I even have a small office now.”
“Did you get a raise?” Courtney asks. She’s changed in the past month, and appears older to me, and less innocent. Her black hair is much shorter now, and she’s started to wear more make-up. I wonder if she’s dating someone, but I don’t want to ask about that when I’m about to drop a bomb on my parents.
“Yes.” I wipe my mouth with my napkin. “I was given a small raise.”
I take a sip of my iced tea and breathe in a deep breath. “I need to tell you all something… just please don’t freak out.”
My father puts his fork down in preparation. I probably shouldn’t have started this conversation in those words, but I just want to get this over with and go back to my apartment.
“Use the Band-Aid approach,” Ditra had advised. “Don’t do it slow and easy. Just rip it off and come right out with it.”
“I’m pregnant. A little over three months.”
My mother’s face pales to a porcelain white, and next to her, my father’s jaw clenches and he shoves his plate away, knocking it into his glass of water, which tips and spills. Courtney’s eyes bug out and she looks from me, to our mother, to our father, and back to me again. Waiting for a response. Just like I am.
I lick my lips nervously. “I’m going to keep it,” I throw into the silence. “I’ve talked to a counselor already and that’s what I’ve decided is best.”
“Piper.” My mother’s eyes are glistening with tears. “How could you let this happen?”
“I knew it,” my father says gruffly. “I knew something like this was going to happen.”
“It was an accident. I was on the pill but I forgot to take it a few times. I didn’t realize I could get pregnant so fast.”
My father slams his fist down hard on the table and we all jump. “You forgot?” he yells. “You forgot you were ruining your entire Goddamn life?”
“A baby is a huge decision,” my mother says. “You’re only twenty-one. And what about the father? Are you back together? Does he want to be part of this baby’s life?”
My father shakes his head. “I don’t give a damn what he wants. You can bet your ass he’ll be paying child support.”
The counselor warned me my parents would react this way. That it’s a natural reaction to a surprise pregnancy. I absorb their emotions for a moment, let them expel their anger and shock, before I force myself to continue. “No. He doesn’t know.”
“You have to tell him. He’s just as responsible as you are.”
“I know, Mom. But I don’t know where he is.”
“Well then we’ll find him. We can hire a lawyer if we have to and garnish his paycheck for support. It happens all the time.”
If only life were that easy. If only Blue could be that easy. “I have no idea how to find him. I don’t even know his last name.”
“What?” my father roars. “How do you not know his last name? Is this the same guy you dated for months? The one we never even met?”
“Yes, Dad. I’ve never been with anyone else.”
“And you never thought to ask him his last name?” he asks incredulously. “Doesn’t that usually happen during a first conversation?”
The urge to cry and defend myself, to throw myself on the sword to defend Blue is strong, but I keep myself in check. “It’s complicated. Can we just forget about him? I’m going to have this baby on my own, without him.”
“Piper, this is very serious. You have to tell him, and we’re not going to just let him sail off into the sunset and leave you a single mother struggling with a baby.”
