by Carian Cole
“Miss Karel?” she repeats.
I finally look up, because that’s the polite thing to do, even though she is going to destroy me in a few seconds.
“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. We ran a lot of tests and X-rays. We won’t have some of the blood test results in until Monday, but unfortunately what I’ve seen so far isn’t good.” She looks at her chart and I want to tear it out of her hands and throw it in the trash. “I’m quite sure it’s gastrointestinal lymphoma. There is also a large mass in his chest. Judging from the length of time he’s been in your care plus the condition of his teeth and other physical factors, I’m guessing his age to be approximately sixteen years old. I’m afraid due to his age and the location of the tumor, it’s inoperable. And the gastro lymphoma is obviously wreaking havoc on his body. He’s lost a lot of weight. You indicated he hasn’t been eating well and has had diarrhea...I’m very sorry.”
I blink at her, because just a few short months ago, my dog was perfect and happy.
“But he only just started showing those symptoms a few months ago. I didn’t know it was anything serious, I thought it was just old age. Up until today he still seemed happy.”
“Unfortunately, this is how these things usually present. It is very hard to tell if an animal is sick. They hide it well. They cannot tell us what’s wrong. There is really nothing you could have done to prevent this, Miss Karel. He just had his annual check-up a year ago and there was no indication then that he was ill. In fact, he was in remarkable condition considering his age.”
“Wh-what about chemotherapy?”
“I’m sorry. The disease has progressed too far. I don’t think it will improve his quality of life or keep him with us any longer. I’m so sorry, Miss Karel. I know how much you love him and how hard this is. We’ll have more results on Monday but I really think you have to think about end of life.”
I tighten my fingers in Acorn’s fur. End of life?
“What do you mean?”
She kneels on the floor beside me. “He doesn’t have much time left. This cancer is very aggressive. He’ll start to decline rapidly.”
“Will it be...terrible for him? Will he be in pain? And get sicker?” My voice shakes asking these horrible questions.
The sadness in her own eyes gives me all the answers I need. “Unfortunately, he will get very sick. If he were my dog, I wouldn’t want him to go through that. I would want him to pass peacefully.”
I nod and blink back tears. “Could I take him home and think about it for a few days? Let my daughter be able to say goodbye?”
“Of course. In the meantime I’ll prescribe some meds to make him a little more comfortable. You just call us whenever you’re ready and I’ll be here. My cell phone number will be on your paperwork when you check out. If you need to speak to me, for any reason, please just call me.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
“I’m so very sorry. He’s a wonderful dog.”
“He is,” I say, looking into his big eyes. “He really is.”
A vet tech helps me put Acorn in the back seat of my car on the blanket that’s been his for years. As soon as we’re alone I crawl into the back seat with him and cry my eyes out. Acorn paws at me and licks my face, and I feel awful for falling apart on him. I should be stronger than this. I should be stronger for him.
“I love you so much,” I whisper to him. “You’re such a good boy.” His wagging tail makes me cry even harder. This isn’t fair. Life is so confusing and unfair and hard. I don’t want to say goodbye to this sweet dog. I want to hold on to his unconditional love forever. This dog has given me the only love that has never let me down. He’s never left me. He’s never been a confusing mess. He’s so much more than just a dog. But I cannot stand the thought of him getting sicker and being in any kind of pain. If letting him go on to his next journey is the last act of love I can show him, then I’ll force myself to do it, no matter how much it hurts me to do so.
When I get home, Ditra lets me cry on her while Billy keeps Lyric occupied. When they leave, Lyric and I gently take the bandage off Acorn’s leg and I explain to her that he’s very sick and needs to rest. I’m not ready to tell her yet that he’ll be leaving us. She’s tired and worried, and has asked if she can sleep on the couch in the living room with him. I want her to have this time with him so I pile the couch with pillows and blankets and put her favorite movie on.
After they’ve fallen asleep I kiss them both and then go to my room to take a long, hot shower, hoping to wash away the heavy burden of sadness I feel, but it doesn’t work.
I call Josh, not expecting him to answer since it’s Saturday night, but he answers on the second ring.
“I was just thinking about you,” he says when he picks up. “I’m eating the ice cream you left in the freezer.”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Hey. Are you okay? You don’t sound right.”
“No... I’m not.”
“Christ. What did that asshole do now?”
“It’s not him, Josh. It’s Acorn. He’s really sick. He has cancer.”
“What? When did this happen? I just saw him two weeks ago when you moved and he was fine.”
“I know. It happened so fast. I can’t believe it. I’m going to have to put him to sleep, and I just don’t know how I’m going to tell Lyric or how I’m going to get through this...”
“Piper,” he says softly. “I’m sorry. I love that dog.”
“I know you do. My heart just hurts.”
“I’m gonna come over.”
“Really? Can you?” We haven’t had a chance to see each other since I moved into the new house. We haven’t talked about the date he mentioned, or the kiss we shared, but I would love to see him right now.
“Yeah. I’ll be there in half an hour.”
“Come in the back door. Lyric’s asleep on the couch.”
“Got it. See ya in a few.”
I wait in the kitchen for Josh to arrive, and we quietly go to my bedroom and close the door halfway so we don’t wake Lyric. He immediately pulls me into a hug.
“You’re so sweet for coming over,” I say, looking up at him. “Thank you so much.”
“Stop. I’m always here for you.”
I lean up to kiss his cheek and then pull away to sit on the bed, and he follows me. “I don’t know what to do, Josh. This is the worst decision I’ve ever had to make. I mean, this is his life.”
“What did the vet say? There’s really nothing they can do? Chemo?”
I shake my head. “No. It’s too far gone and he’s too old. She thinks he’s sixteen years old. I honestly had no idea he was that old. Blue told me he had him for two years so I just assumed he was two years old when I met him.”
“That is old for a dog, Piper. And he’s had a good life. You treat that dog like he’s a baby.”
“I know... I just don’t want to do the wrong thing.”
He reaches across the bed and holds my hand. “What does the vet think you should do? What does your heart tell you to do?”
“She said if it was her dog, she would let him go before he gets worse. And my heart wants to keep him because I’m selfish. I also want him to go peacefully and not suffer for weeks or months.”
He nods. “I think that’s the right thing to do. And think of Lyric, you know how sensitive she is with things like this. I don’t think she could handle watching him get worse. She loves that dog like crazy.”
“I know,” I say tearfully. “But how am I supposed to tell her I’m taking him away forever?”
“She’s a smart kid, Piper. She’ll be upset, but I think she’ll understand.” He pauses and locks eyes with me for a few moments. “We can tell her together, if you want.”
“Would you do that with me? I think hearing it from both of us would be better for her.” Having him here with me, being so understanding, is making me doubt whether I made the right decision by moving out. Josh may not be Lyric’s father, but he’s
the closest thing she’s had. Now I’m not sure if pulling her out of his life was right or wrong.
“Of course I’ll do that with you. I love Lyric,” he says, then adds, “I love all of you.”
The way he says all of you makes my heart clench. I’m not sure what’s changing with him, but there’s definitely something going on.
“We love you, too.”
His gaze drops to our hands. “I think I’ve been falling for you,” he says. “And I’ve been in denial about it for a long time.”
I hold my breath for a few seconds. Let his words sink in. Then I slowly exhale.
“Oh.” It’s all I can manage to say because I’m not prepared for this on any level today. Or any day, really.
“I knew you were in love with Blue and I didn’t want to get in the middle of that. I’ve been trying to figure out my shit at the same time, but when I think about what I really want? I want what we had. Me and you and Lyric and the pets.”
“Josh....”
He looks at me. “When I kissed you, it felt right. For me. How did it feel for you?”
My body buzzes with nervousness and I swallow hard. “Surprising,” I answer. “But good, too. I guess I wasn’t ready for it. And to be honest, I wasn’t thinking about you in that way, so it kinda spun my head around.”
“Fair enough. Could you think of me in that way?”
I take a good look at the man in front of me. He’s changed a lot since we dated when we were kids. He’s not the shy nerd anymore. The man sitting on my bed is, quite frankly, gorgeous and confident. Not only does he have an amazing muscular body and perfect GQ face, but he’s a truly great guy. He’s caring, affectionate, patient and family oriented. He’s intelligent and has a great sense of humor. He’s stable and normal—which is a huge plus.
But he likes men, too. That’s certainly not abnormal—just something different for me to think about. I admire that he’s capable of caring about and being attracted to people for who they are and not for what’s between their legs. It does make me feel insecure that he’s been intimate with men, though. I can’t help but wonder if he’s physically attracted to me, and if I would be enough for him when it comes to sexual intimacy.
I lick my lips and try to answer as honestly as I can. “I think I could. I think I’d need some time, but I do think it’s maybe possible. I’m attracted to you and I care about you and....”
He kisses me before I can finish, and again, I’m not ready. I want to be, and I think someday I could be. But tonight, I’m too worried about my dog and my daughter and a phone call I’m going to have to make tomorrow to give a hundred percent of myself to Josh. And I don’t want to give less than my all to anyone.
I pull away, and he touches his finger to my lips. “Don’t say it.” He grins. “I shouldn’t have done that. I know you’re not ready. I just want to show you I know how to kiss now.” He flashes me a joking smile.
“You definitely know how to kiss now. No worries there,” I assure him.
“I won’t push you, Piper. I promise. When things finally do settle down, I’m taking you on that date and we’ll see how we feel.”
I nod and smile softly at him. “I’d like that.”
We lie on my bed together and watch a movie, and he falls asleep next to me. I snuggle against his arm and watch him sleep. I like how content he looks, and I like having him next to me. I feel safe, and comfortable. This is something I could see myself getting used to and being happy with.
If I could forget Blue.
Chapter Thirty-Three
This morning was one of the worst of my life. Telling my daughter that her very first best friend was going to be leaving us soon was absolutely heartbreaking. I’m grateful Josh stayed overnight and was here with me when I told her, because he was able to help explain how Acorn would be going to sleep forever and be a doggy guardian angel much better than I could, and he was able to talk to her without crying. I could barely get two sentences out without breaking down.
After Josh leaves, Lyric somewhat recovers and decides to work on a huge jigsaw puzzle on a board in the middle of the floor. I grab my phone and go out on the back porch to call the person I vowed to never call again. It takes me at least fifteen minutes of staring at the phone and pep-talking myself to finally dial his number.
The first time I call, it goes to voicemail, but I don’t leave a message. I hang up and redial, and this time he answers.
“Yeah?” he says, and I have no idea if he has caller ID and knows it’s me.
“It’s me.”
There’s our notorious minute of silence that our random phone calls always seem to start with. I wait for it to end.
“Ladybug.” He clears his throat. “Wow.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.” He pauses. “Damn, just hearing your voice again... it’s making my heart pound like fucking crazy.”
Mine too. But I won’t tell him that.
“I have to tell you something.”
“If you had a baby without me I’m gonna be really mad.”
My teeth grind together. “No. This is serious.”
“I was being serious, babe.”
“Don’t call me babe right now, please. I just need to get this out.” Hearing his voice only amplifies my emotions. I’m trembling and on the verge of tears for the hundredth time in the past forty-eight hours. Still, after all this time, he has that same heart-fluttering, time-has-stood-still effect on me.
“Okay,” he says. “I’m all for getting it out. Whatever it is.”
“Acorn has cancer. It’s untreatable. He’s very sick and I’m going to have to put him to sleep. And I thought you should know in case you want to be there. To say goodbye.”
He exhales deeply on the other end of the line. “Fuck,” he says. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
“I’m sorry, Blue. He got sick in a short time, and I just didn’t know. Up until recently he’s been happy and playful. He was having some trouble with the stairs and jumping on the furniture, but I thought it was old age. A few weeks ago I bought a new house with no stairs so it was easier for him to get around. I just...” I gulp for air as a sob escapes me. “I did everything I could to give him a good life. He’s the best dog in the world and we love him so much and I just wish this wasn’t happening...”
“Piper...” he breathes. “That’s why I left him with you. Nobody loves like you do.”
I choke and sniffle. “Yeah, well, a lot of good that’s done me. All I do is get my heart broken. I spent the morning trying to explain to our daughter how this dog that’s been her best friend since the day she was born isn’t going to be here anymore.”
“Fuck, babe. I’m so sorry. Is she all right?”
“I think so. I don’t know, really. She’s a very caring little girl, but sometimes she gets quiet and I don’t know what she’s thinking.”
“I’ll be there. Tell me when and where.”
His answer sets me back a step. I wasn’t expecting him to actually want to be there. I thought he’d be upset, and I thought I’d hear him run to the nearest bottle and then hear him fall apart on the other end of the phone. I wasn’t prepared for him to sound so together.
“I have to talk to the vet first. Can I email you the information? It will be soon though. Probably next weekend.”
“I can make that work. You can call me with the info, though, you don’t have to email me.”
“I’d rather just email it to you.”
“C’mon, Piper. Don’t be like this. I miss you. We’re both upset... we can talk.”
Closing my eyes, I count to five to give myself time to not let myself open up to him again.
“I don’t want to talk. I’m just trying to do the right thing.”
“So you won’t even talk to me? That’s it?”
“Yes.”
Click, click of his tongue bar.
“All right, then.” Frustration and disappointment deepen his tone. “I’m not gonna beg. I’m glad you ca
lled. I want to be there. Does he need anything in the meantime? Medicine? I’ll send you some money.”
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the fact that Blue has money now. And probably a lot of it. To me, he’s still the cute guy playing in the park getting coins tossed in a jar who insisted on buying me an ice cream cone. And I’m still the girl who didn’t give a crap about any of it and only wanted to be with him. No matter what.
“Thank you, but I’m okay for money.”
“I want to send something. Maybe you can take Lyric someplace special or buy her something to kinda cheer her up? Maybe we can buy her a locket to keep a bit of his fur in? Or a picture of him? I dunno, I’m not good at this shit.”
For the first time, he just referred to us as a we regarding Lyric. We as in parents together of this little person. I sit in one of the wicker chairs on the porch and watch a wind chime blow lightly in the wind while I try to process how his words make me feel.
Confused. Leery. Hopeful.
The locket suggestion is also a surprise—one I wish I had thought of myself.
“The locket is a really sweet idea. I think she’d love a picture of him to wear around her neck. I’ll pick one up for her. I really have to go now, I don’t want to leave her alone for too long when she’s upset.”
“Got it. I’m sorry, Ladybug. For everything-”
I don’t let him finish. “I’ll email you when I have the information. Goodbye.”
I end the call and yank my hand away from the phone before I change my mind and call him again. It’s been almost three years since we last talked. Three damn years. Our feelings for each other should be gone. People break up, they move on; they stop loving and wanting each other. Why can’t we do that? What’s wrong with us that we can’t just end?
“Why would you ask him to come out here? Why get this shit all stirred up again?”
Josh’s broad frame fills my bedroom doorway. I knew he was going to react like this, which is why I waited until the last minute to tell him.
