by Carian Cole
My heart sinks even lower. “No, thank you.”
I chew my fingernail with worry and sit on the chest at the end of my bed. I’m still bleeding and cramping, and feel groggy from the anesthesia yesterday and the painkillers I took this morning. I was given instruction by the doctor to rest and give myself time to heal mentally and physically. I’ve already spoken to Human Resources and requested a week of my vacation time.
Resting is simply not going to happen until I find Blue and get the chance to have a heart-to-heart talk with him about everything that’s happened over the past twenty-four hours and to assure him that I most definitely have not left him.
I can’t imagine why he would even think that when we’ve been so happy.
I pull up Reece’s number on my phone, and he picks up on the second ring. Reece’s phone is always charged.
“Hello?”
“Reece…hi…it’s Piper.”
“Hey…um…I was actually just about to call you—"
“Is Blue okay? I can’t get in touch with him and I’m worried.”
“Shit. That’s why I was calling you. He’s gone.”
My heart jolts and my head spins with dizziness. How can he be gone? Blue doesn’t do gone anymore.
“Wh-what are you talking about?”
“We can’t find him. All his stuff is in his room except for his favorite guitar. His phone is going straight to voicemail so I guess as usual his battery is dead.”
Everything just keeps getting worse. Blue could be traipsing around London right now with a dead cell phone and no way to charge it, which means there’s no way for me to get in touch with him when I need him now more than I ever have.
As if that’s not bad enough, while I was losing our baby he somehow jumped to the conclusion I had left him.
“Oh my God… I can’t believe this… did he say anything to any of you? Yesterday?”
“No, it was a quiet day, we were all kinda hanging out in our rooms alone trying to catch up on sleep. Everything was great. We had an interview this morning and he didn’t show. We told them he was sick and we had to do it without him. I have no fucking idea where he could be. I’ve looked everywhere. This is a big city, though, and he knows how to not be found.”
That’s an understatement.
“Reece.” I gulp for air and exhale in shaky breaths. “We have to find him. I have to talk to him as soon as possible.” Choking sobs start and I’m powerless to stop them.
“Whoa, Piper. Don’t cry. I’m sure he’s okay. I’ll keep looking for him, I promise. You know how he gets…he always turns up.”
“You don’t understand…something did happen…I think he freaked out because he couldn’t get in touch with me at all yesterday. I was in the hospital, and I wasn’t able to call him right away.”
“Wait—what? Are you okay? Please don’t cry, I can’t deal with it when women cry.”
“I’m sorry,” I sob, wiping at my face. “I’m just so scared.”
“Where are you now? Are you still in the hospital?”
“No…I’m home now. My best friend drove me home earlier.”
“So you’re all right?”
Am I all right? I don’t feel all right at all.
“I was twelve weeks pregnant,” I say softly. “And I lost the baby.”
He lets out a pained sound. “Ohh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”
“Blue didn’t even know I was pregnant. I was waiting for him to come home to tell him about the baby, but then you guys ended up staying out there longer and I just didn’t want to tell him over the phone, I wanted to surprise him and....” Tears take over and my voice cracks and dies.
Reece breathes heavily into the phone. “Shit. I have to find him and get him home to you.”
“Do you really think he took off again?” I ask weakly. “Do you think he’s doing drugs again?”
“I don’t know, Piper. Blue does weird things. I’ve been keeping an eye on him and haven’t seen him do anything. Not a drop of alcohol, not even a joint. No bullshit, he was glad to be straight. He knows he can come to me about anything and I’ll be there for him. He promised if he ever felt like using again he’d come to me and let me handcuff his ass to me so I could watch him. That’s how bad he wanted to stay clean.”
“I’m so worried about him... I can’t even think straight. I’m sitting here shaking.”
“Look, my sister went through this a few years ago. You should be resting and not getting all worked up.”
Is he crazy?
“How can I rest when I don’t know where he is or if he’s okay or what’s going on? I’m afraid he’s going to disappear for months or years and I can’t live through that.”
“I get it, but you have to take care of you, too. He’s a big boy, and he’ll be okay. He’s probably just walking around like he does and believe me, I know that’s not helping you a fuckin’ bit, but what I’m saying is that I’m sure he’s fine, and I’m sure he won’t be gone for long. Right now you need to do your best to stay calm and take care of yourself until I can find his ass and get him to you.”
“I’m just so scared, Reece. I didn’t think he’d ever do this again, especially now when I need him the most. He left me a bunch of messages and for some crazy reason he thinks I left him. Why would he think that? He knows I would never, ever do that to him.”
“It’s just how his mind works. It’s not you. It’s his way of coping, as fucked up as it is.”
“I don’t know what to think,” I mutter, putting my face in my hand. “I just need him here.”
“I’ll find him, and I’ll make him call you as soon as I do. I’m gonna shove the phone right in his hand. I promise.”
“Okay.” I feel utterly hopeless. “I guess all I can do is just wait, then.”
“And rest. Rest, Piper.”
“I’ll try.”
“I’m really sorry about the baby. And I know if he had any clue about this, he never would have done this. He loves you.”
After we say goodbye, I change into my softest sweatpants and Blue’s T-shirt before crawling into bed to rest. Ditra will be picking up Lyric at school and keeping her overnight so I can have some alone time to get my head together.
I try to focus on as many of the positives as I can so I don’t get pulled under the wave of depression that’s looming at the edges of my mind and heart. Blue loves Lyric and me. He wouldn’t leave us. He probably just needed to think.
We’re all going to be okay.
Chapter Forty-Seven
“Baby, are you sick?” He kisses my forehead and strokes his thumb across my cheek. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I moan and turn my head to the side, begging sleep to take me away again.
“Piper, open your eyes for me.”
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, my mind sluggish and groggy. The bedroom is dim, and a glance toward the windows reveals the sun is no longer shining.
When did it become night time?
“Hey….” His voice is soft and laced with worry.
“Blue?” Confused, I reach for him and my hand lands on his leg.
How can he be here if he’s in London?
He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it. “I’m here.”
“How are you here? I couldn’t find you…” I move to sit up and a wave of dizziness slams my head back down on the pillow.
“I couldn’t find you either. I had a real bad feeling, so I jumped on a plane and here I am.” He leans down and kisses me softly. “I was really fuckin’ worried about you.”
“I was worried about you, too. Reece is looking for you.”
“Not anymore. I called him from a pay phone when I landed in Boston because my cell phone battery died yesterday. He said I had to talk to you right away.” He pushes his hair away from his face and looks at me intently. “What’s going on, Ladybug?”
“I can’t believe you’re here.” Tears leak from the corners of my eyes and drip down to my hair
line.
“Where’s Lyric? Is she okay?”
“Yes. Ditra and Billy are taking her to a movie and she’s staying over at their house tonight.”
His brow creases. “Why’s she staying over there? They only live a few hundred feet away.”
I try to sit up again, and have to close my eyes for a moment to stop the room from spinning. He grabs my arms, and the worry on his face is tearing my heart up because I know it’s going to be a whole lot worse in a few moments.
“Piper, what’s going on? You’re scaring the shit out of me.”
I reach for his hand and lace our fingers tightly together.
“I have to tell you something. When you couldn’t get in touch with me yesterday I was actually in the hospital, and I—”
“You’re sick?” he asks, and his beautiful voice is already cracking with emotion and panic.
“No,” I say quickly. “No, I’m not sick. I really don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it, okay? Because I just don’t have the words…” His eyes are wild when he nods. “I had a miscarriage. I’m so sorry… I love you so much and I wanted this baby with all my heart…” Saying the words, and seeing the expression of pure shock and heartbreak on his face, is more than I can handle. I can’t hold back my tears for a second longer, and they stream down my cheeks like tiny rivers.
“There was a baby?” His dark blue eyes pool with tears and it’s like staring into two oceans of pure desolation.
I swallow hard over the suffocating lump in my throat. “I was twelve weeks pregnant. I kept waiting for you to come home to tell you. So I could tell you in person. I was so excited to tell you, Blue. I just wanted it to be special and not over the phone. I’m so sorry.”
“Baby, don’t be sorry.” He pulls me into his arms and hugs me so hard I lose my breath. “This is all my fault. I fucked up again.”
I bury my face into his chest. “No. It’s not your fault. The baby stopped growing weeks ago. Something must have just been...wrong.”
He shakes his head violently. “I should’ve been here for you and the baby. You were upset when I got stuck in London longer. I should’ve just fucking left. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Please...” I whisper. “Don’t say that. Please. Just hug me.”
We hold onto each other and cry for our little unborn baby. My heart aches so much I’m afraid it may never stop hurting, and I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling.
This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
“Are you okay?” His voice is raspy with pain. “Are you in pain? Tell me what I can do for you. Please. I don’t want to lose you, too.”
“I just need you to hug me, that’s all. I promise you I’m okay and you’re not going to lose me. Ever.”
He takes a deep breath and his entire body shudders when he exhales.
“Does Lyric know?”
“No. I don’t think we should tell her.”
“Will there be a funeral? To say goodbye?”
Oh, my sweet Blue...
“No,” I say softly, too brokenhearted to say any more.
“So that’s it? The baby’s just... gone?”
“I’m sorry.”
I can actually feel the sadness engulf him like a black wave. His body goes entirely still. His breathing slows and quiets to a point of almost non-existent.
I’m terrified of what this could do to him, and to us. What happens when both people fall apart? Who picks up the pieces and holds us together?
He says nothing else, and neither do I. Our desperate hold on each other speaks volumes.
I carefully untangle myself from Blue’s arms and climb out of bed. He’s fallen into a deep sleep, exhausted from traveling and emotional overload.
Archie trails me to the kitchen, reminding me to fill his dishes which are inadequately filled. I make myself a cup of tea and call Lyric. She sounds happy—telling me about the movie Ditra and Billy took her to see and how she’s been beating Billy at a video game. I decide I’ll tell her tomorrow that her father is here. If she knows he’s here now, she’ll want to run home and I feel like we need a night alone together.
With Mickey following me closely, I take the phone out on the back porch and call Reece.
“Hey,” he says. “I’ve been thinking about you two. Are you okay?”
“I think so. We’re both upset. He’s asleep right now, he’s exhausted.”
“How did he take it?”
“He’s devastated. He’s trying to blame himself. I told him it’s not his fault. To be honest I feel like it’s my fault. I’ve been stressed and upset…”
“Piper, stop. It’s not your fault. Or his. It’s just a horrible thing that happens in life.”
I sigh and run my hand over my stomach. The pain is still lingering—physically and emotionally.
“You’re going to have to keep an eye on him,” Reece warns.
“I always do.”
“More than usual. If he can’t handle this, he could start using again to escape. So watch for him being in the bathroom too long, running the shower, or taking off randomly, look for track marks, sniffling, changes in his eating and sleeping, mood swings. If he’s acting too calm, angry, or too happy. You hafta watch for all this shit. If you think something’s up, call me, okay?”
Holy crap. All of that behavior could also just be normal. How am I supposed to know if something is a red flag?
“Okay,” I agree, feeling overwhelmed.
“Blue’s the kind of guy that will climb to the top of a fuckin’ mountain to try to reach that baby’s soul, Piper. I know him. And I know this is even harder for you. It’s not fair you have to watch him like a hawk when you’re grieving, but it is what it is.”
“I’ll be okay,” I assure him with confidence I’m not actually feeling. “We both will.”
“The rest of us are leaving here tomorrow. We’re gonna take a break for two weeks and then we’ll meet up in Seattle. I’ll call Blue in a few days to see how he’s doing. Are you okay? And Lyric?”
I pet Mickey’s head, finding comfort in his soft fur and calm demeanor. This dog hardly ever leaves my side. He’s a little ball of love and devotion, just like Acorn.
“We’re okay. I’m taking some time off work. I think it will be good for us to spend some quiet time together.”
Reece’s warnings have scared the hell out of me. I don’t want to have to treat Blue like an inmate. He’s my partner and my equal. He’s begged me to trust him and believe in him. If he senses I’m starting to doubt him, that’ll add to the stress he’s feeling over the band and the grief over losing our baby. I’m alarmed at how quickly he thought he lost me. At some point, I have to talk to him about that and figure out what was going through his head, and why he thought I would just leave him.
For now, I’m just going to do whatever I can to fill the next two weeks with as much love and calmness as I can.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Blue convinced me to tell Lyric about the baby, and once my head cleared, I realized he was right. She deserves to know that we lost a part of our family, no matter how young the baby was. We told her together the day after Blue arrived, and although she cried, she was amazingly understanding and sympathetic—showing mature concern for us that stretched well beyond her age.
Reece’s words about Blue trying to reach the baby’s soul have been haunting me, and I realize we all needed some kind of closure.
On Saturday morning, the three of us drive to a beautiful lookout point up in the mountains. Blue writes the baby’s name on a turquoise-colored balloon, and Lyric plays Somewhere Over the Rainbow on her harp as we watch Nicholas Von Bleu’s spirit gently float up to the sky and disappear. Blue stares at the sky with such an intense longing I fear he’s going to leap right into the clouds and try to follow that balloon.
Later that night after Lyric has gone to bed, Blue takes me out on the back porch, lights a few candles, and makes ice cream sundaes for
both of us, insisting I let him do everything while I wait on the porch for him with Mickey.
“You don’t have to wait on me,” I protest when he sits next to me on the wicker loveseat and hands me a dish of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and butterscotch syrup.
“I need you to think of me as someone who can take care of you.”
“I do.”
His tongue piercing clicks against his spoon as he licks hot fudge off it.
My thighs tingle in response. I want him—need him— desperately, but it’s too soon for us to make love.
He shakes his head. “You feel like you have to take care of me. You’re always afraid I’m gonna have a meltdown or show up with coke on my face.”
I have never once imagined him doing coke.
“Blue, that’s not true.”
“It is. And ya know what? I don’t blame you. It’s my fault you have to worry about me. But I want to take care of you.”
“You do take care of me.”
“Not like I should be, and not like I want to. I don’t mean just financially. I want you to be able to count on me for everything.”
I wish he didn’t feel this way because I do believe he takes care of me. I don’t view him as weak or incapable. I just think sometimes he’s way too trapped in his own head with his thoughts and fears and dreams.
“When two people love each other, sometimes one has to be stronger than the other. It’s a tradeoff. There’s not a score card. It’s what love is about.”
“I know that, babe. And I’m lucky as fuck that you feel that way or else you probably would have kicked my ass out of your life for good.”
I lean closer to him and press my sticky sweet lips to his cheek.
“I could never do that. You’re too irresistible.”
A cocky grin crosses his face. “Yeah. Maybe I am,” he teases.
There’s no maybe. He definitely is.
