I dragged myself to the sofa and made myself sit down, slowly relaxing, my muscles cramping up from being in such a rigid position. Slowly, I came back to my senses. Back into my own body.
I’d been having panic attacks for years, but the anxiety was something I wasn’t as used to.
Back when I still lived with Nana, she was used to the manic episodes—screaming, thrashing, trying to get away. She’d worked out how to help me and she knew exactly what to do. I hadn’t had them in years, but now that I was alone the anxiety got the better of me too often for my liking. A bone-deep anxiety that made me double over and retch bile and venom. I hated it. Hated that I couldn’t call for help, couldn’t do much of anything until it passed.
Paralyzed.
I was fucking paralyzed.
I sat on the sofa in my rigid position and watched the sun go down. My phone kept buzzing but I couldn’t pick it up. Couldn’t even go to the bathroom, even though I had to go badly. Couldn’t get a glass of water despite my mouth being parched, feeling like it was filled with cotton.
I sat there until it got dark, so dark I couldn’t make out the objects in the room. Bebe’s room was dark, too.
And then my doorbell rang.
I couldn’t get up. I just fucking sat there.
“It’s open,” I croaked, and it took all I had in me to say it.
I could barely turn my head to the direction of the door to see Meyers walk in. The light from the hallway illuminated the room, and I shrank away from it.
When he saw me, his mouth set in a thin line and he approached me cautiously.
“Come on,” he said, his voice dark. “Bathroom.”
Meyers had seen this before. Too many fucking times for my liking, because it was fucking embarrassing.
I let him help me up, feeling ashamed. So fucking ashamed.
He helped me to the bathroom and I had to lean my head against the wall, just so I could fucking piss. He didn’t even close the door. Kept watching me trying to stand, my hands shaking so badly I sprayed the tile. I knew I’d spend the night cleaning that up, once this went away. This fucking part of me that I hated so badly I wanted to rip it, cut it out of my flesh, and feed it to a stray fucking dog.
I washed my hands vigorously, slowly coming back to my senses. Meyers stood there, averting his eyes.
I knew he felt sorry for me.
Everyone did.
I felt my strength coming back, and I walked out of the bathroom with my back straight and my chin held high.
“What do you have for me?” I asked him, flipping on a switch in the living room as if I hadn’t been sitting in the darkness for what was probably hours. “Anything interesting happen?”
“Well, she’s a party girl alright,” Meyers chuckled, handing me a brown paper envelope.
My fingers shook as I got the contents out of it. A bunch of photos. I always asked for photos. I loved seeing my girls like that.
But she wasn’t my girl. Not like the others, not like any of them.
She was the girl, the only girl, the one I wanted to keep.
Too bad I couldn’t, not now, not ever.
“She’s had more drinks in the span of a few hours than I have in a month,” Meyers muttered, shaking his head.
I appreciated him pretending my meltdown hadn’t happened. He knew there was a good tip in it for him, but I didn’t give a shit, I was still grateful.
“She likes booze,” I muttered, going through the photos.
Bebe in a sweet little dress that was much too short to be modest despite the cute style. It made me smile to myself. Her hair was up, just like I’d hoped. Her neck was slender and very pale, and it made blood pulse towards my cock. She was a fucking vision, and in several photos, I noticed men in the street or the cafe she was in fucking staring at her. I wanted to strangle each and every one of them while she watched.
“What else did she do?” I asked, going through the photos.
“She was out most of the day,” Meyers went on, handing me a bigger envelope. “I saved you the receipts like you asked. She went to brunch, then shopping. Dropped her stuff at home and got changed, then went out again with another girl. I think her name was Arden? Does that ring a bell?”
“Her friend, I think,” I said. “Did she notice you?”
“No, not once,” Meyers smiled. “You’d be proud of me. I stayed in the shadows.”
I looked at all the receipts, grinning at her choice of groceries.
A shit ton of chocolate and energy drinks. And a head of lettuce. Such a weird girl.
“Oh, one more thing,” Meyers said, reaching into his briefcase. “She dropped this at the brunch place. Thought you might want it.”
He handed me a piece of fabric.
A cardigan.
I palmed the fabric as he handed it to me, the soft cashmere pleasant under my fingertips.
“Get out,” I growled at Meyers.
He gave me an incredulous look.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” I said, glaring at him. “Get the fuck out!”
He backed away and closed the door behind him.
I was left sitting on the couch, staring at the cashmere cardigan in my hands. It was light pink, and the buttons were little pearls. It was cute. It was hers. It smelled like her.
I raised it to my face and inhaled her sweet scent, groaning out loud. It was almost enough to make me fucking spill.
But through it all, I had to remember…
This was the closest I was ever going to get to having Bebe in my arms.
Nepenthe, noun
Something that can make you forget your grief and suffering.
“How’s the club life?”
I squinted and pressed my hand against my ear, trying to block out the sound of the blaring music.
“It’s good,” I shouted back. “How’s the married life?”
A guy in his late twenties approached me, and I gave him a distracted smile as he grinned at me. Arden was sighing on the other end of the line, and I tore my attention away from the hottie.
“I’m bored,” she said restlessly.
“Bored of?” I asked, moving outside until the cool night air enveloped me in a thick hug smelling of autumn.
“Everything.” She sounded sulky. “I just want to get out of here.”
“You’re not missing anything,” I tried to convince her, but she’d already cut the call.
Suddenly, I felt very alone on that club balcony, like I had absolutely no one in the world who would want to take care of me. Not that I needed anyone. I was a fucking grown-up, and I could take care of myself, couldn’t I?
With that new thought in mind, I marched back inside the club with my head held high proudly.
The music blasted through my body like a gust of wind, the heavy bass reverberating in my core. My nose was assaulted with the smell of alcohol and sweaty bodies, and my eyes watered when someone blew smoke right past me. I glared at the guy smoking a blunt right there, but he just laughed in my face when I motioned for him to put it out. He wasn’t having any of it.
I pouted and made for our VIP table, located a few steps up from the dancefloor and sectioned off from the masses with a red velvet rope.
“Where did you get off to?”
I looked at my friend Billy who’d spoken to me, offering him a weak little smile.
“Just a phone call,” I shrugged.
“Arden?” he guessed, and I nodded, sliding into the booth with him and the rest of the gang.
They were fast friends I’d made in the city, people I’d known for a maximum of six months.
Six months since we lost Posy. Six months since I felt the need to replace every familiar face in my life with a new one. Six months since I decided Arden was the only person from my past I’d keep around because I loved her too much to let her go.
“Don’t worry about her,” Billy winked at me. “We got a new bottle of champagne and we’re ready for more if you are.”
“Sure,” I shrugged, plastering on a fake smile that told him I was a good girl, the Bebe he liked, the Bebe who danced on tables until the morning and threw up in the alley behind the club after getting fingered a few feet away. “Let’s get this party started, why don’t we?”
He handed me a glass, but I pushed him out of the way and went straight for the ice bucket. The whole crew cheered me on as I grabbed the frosty bottle of Möet and started chugging straight from it. The champagne felt cool and fizzy in my mouth, and it went down my throat almost too easily. So easily I drained half the bottle before someone pried it out of my hands.
“Leave some for the rest of us, girl,” a girl in the booth giggled, and I rolled my eyes as she glugged the rest of the bottle down.
It wasn’t a problem anyway. Each and every one of us had enough cash—or loaded parents—to cover the bill for as many bottles as we wanted. It was just a competition for attention, just like most of the things in my life were. I didn’t mind it though.
Because I always fucking won.
I drank and drank until someone at the table shrieked and ran off to the dancefloor to hug someone. Through the girl’s embrace, I noticed Arden standing there, being enveloped in a bear hug and wearing a smirk on her pretty lips.
“Come to join the party?” I called out to her as she approached the table, waving at our friends, or whatever the fuck they were.
“Fashionably late,” she winked at me and sat down on the sofa next to me.
I air kissed her, but she surprised me by pulling me in for a hug.
Surprised me so much I just sat there, rigid and stiff as she wrapped her arms around my body.
We never hugged, we weren’t huggers. Posy was. But Posy was gone, gone, gone.
“What’s going on with Nick?” I asked her once she moved away, and she gave me a guilty look before shrugging. “Babe, talk to me. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she sighed miserably. “I guess it’s just… moving a little fast. I’m not used to this relationship shit.”
“You’ll be fine,” I yelled over the sound of the music. “You deserve a good guy, Arden.”
“I guess,” she shrugged again, and I giggled at her, tugging on her long honey blonde hair.
She was wearing it down that night, along with the silver-sequined dress I’d worn a few weeks ago and I’d let her borrow. She looked fucking amazing, filling my head with memories I’d be better off forgetting. Posy was the center of all of them, giggling, laughing in that loud, obnoxious way of hers. She was always the life of the party, it was all about her. And now here we were, lost without our leader.
“I promise,” I told her again, nudging her bony ribs. “Nick’s okay in my book.”
She gave me a sideways look. “I thought you hated him.”
I made a face. “Because I knew he was a keeper,” I said. “I knew you’d end up with him, and I was scared of losing my friend.”
“Bebe…” She looked at me, cracking a tiny smile. “You can’t be serious.”
“Well, I am,” I replied, my voice strained now.
I’d told her the truth. I couldn’t cope with losing Arden too, not on top of Posy. I couldn’t handle the world alone.
Arden leaned over to me, taking my chin between her fingers and looking into my eyes. I let her, remembering all those games we’d played, the things Posy had made us do. Things Arden and I never talked about, because they were too taboo, too off limits to even mention.
She leaned closer and pressed her lips to mine. No tongue, no show for the guys in the club.
This kiss was just for me.
When she pulled back, we smiled at each other.
“I know I’m selfish,” I muttered, and she laughed out loud, making me scowl at her.
“That’s the understatement of the year,” Arden said, and I stuck my tongue out at her.
“I want the best for you, though,” I told her, putting a hand on her lap. “I’m just jealous…”
“Jealous?” Arden rolled her eyes. “Every guy in here knows who you are, Bebe. You’re the it girl. Everyone wants a piece of you. I’m just tagging along.”
I wanted to answer when we were interrupted by Billy, pulled to our feet and dragged to the dancefloor. My moping was replaced by raucous laughter, and I let myself be dragged to the center of the room. The music was loud in my ears and Arden’s smile burned brightly. I danced with her. I danced with them all, my body moving to the rhythm of the music, dancing my heart out.
I felt the booze pumping through my veins, and for once, I let myself forget. Not just about Posy, but about the mess my life was. I even forgot about Miles, even though he was constantly at the back of my mind, clawing angrily to be let out, to let him play with me.
Hands touched my body, and I wasn’t sure whether they were mine or someone else’s. I let them touch me, roam my skin, tug my dress up, slide over my tits. I just cared about dancing the stress away, pretending it was all going to go away, as long as I kept dancing, all night, all day.
A girl appeared in front of me, her eyes wide and drugged out. She was laughing, laughing so much.
I tugged on the bell sleeve of her plum-colored dress, and she turned to face me. I opened my mouth, sticking my tongue out, and she laughed, reaching into her bag and bringing out a small plastic container. She took out a small piece of paper and placed it on my tongue, but I grabbed her wrist and held up two fingers. The girl rolled her eyes, but complied, placing another piece on my tongue.
And then I really danced.
And it felt so fucking good.
I felt sweat dripping down my back, but I didn’t give a shit. It felt too good to be in the moment, to watch my surroundings changing from the shit I was used to seeing every day into an exciting wonderland where I was the reigning queen.
I wasn’t in my favorite club anymore. I watched it turn into a whole new world, where the dancers became caricatures of themselves, moving slowly in tune with the music. The DJ was the caterpillar, Billy was the Mad Hatter. Arden, where was Arden?
I wasn’t the queen anymore, I was Alice, utterly lost in Wonderland, starting to grow scared but not scared enough to stop. I needed to keep dancing, keep fucking going. So I danced. Danced and danced and danced until I felt like I was trapped inside the club, trapped and made to dance to the music blasting through the speakers. But I still danced, my feet moving of their own volition, my body swaying to the music that was starting to turn into growls and laughter that scared me, scared me so fucking much.
Someone tugged on my arm and I spun round.
“Arden,” I whispered, my tongue heavy in my mouth, my lips trembling, my eyes crazed.
“Bebe,” she growled.
Her voice was menacing. She was a monster. She was out to get me. Everyone was.
“What did you take?” she asked, shaking my shoulders. “What did you fucking take?”
I started screaming but no sound came out. I just covered my eyes and screamed in silence, where the only person who could hear me wailing was sitting in my head on their throne, fucking laughing laughing laughing, and it was Posy, sitting there, laughing at me, making me fall down the same rabbit hole, down down down.
“I don’t want to fall,” I whispered. “Don’t let me fall, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go down, let me go, let me fucking go, I don’t want to be like you, I want to live, I want to smile, I want to fucking survive!”
But that’s not what came out of my mouth.
All that I heard was my own manic laughter, loud, crazy, drugged-up laughter, and I realized how Arden was hearing it, what she thought, that it looked like I was mocking her.
“No, Arden,” I tried to say, but it came out muffled. “I need help, help me, help me please, don’t let this happen, don’t let me go, don’t let this happen to me, save me, Arden, get Miles, get me away from Posy, can’t you see? She’s evil, she’s dragging me down, she wants me to suffer, she wants the same thing to happen to me
, don’t let her, don’t fucking let her, Arden please, Miles, please, don’t let her!”
All she heard was my laughing and my sobs mixing together, and she wasn’t inside my head like I was, she couldn’t hear what was happening. It was too much, and she didn’t… Even. Fucking. Know.
She was crying now, little sad tears falling down her cheeks as she pulled me against her, held me tight.
“Bebe,” she whispered in my ear as I laughed, fucking trapped, cursed by the evil queen to laugh, laugh and fucking laugh when I really wanted to cry. “It’s okay, Bebe, I understand, come on, I’ll get you home, I’ll make sure you’re alright.”
I howled. Like a wolf, like a wounded animal. I howled for her to help me.
But all that came out… Was. Fucking. Laughter.
She dragged me out into the cold night and slapped me across the face, hard, making me stumble back. And then she was holding me up, supporting me, making sure I was alright.
“Arden,” I whispered. “Arden, please.”
“Please tell me what you took,” she begged me. “So I can help you. I need to know what you took.”
“I fell,” I explained. “I fell down the rabbit hole. Someone pushed me, someone pulled me down, and I fell.”
“Bebe…” She looked into my eyes, and I saw the despair in her own. “Fuck, Bebe, this has to fucking stop.”
She dragged me down the street, with people watching us in wonder. Some of them were good but most of them were evil evil evil.
I decided to hide in a corner. The corner I knew so well. In the back of my mind, in the tiny dark alley that no one knew about. Where I could mourn, where I could be the fucking broken little mess Posy had made me into. I hid there, and I pulled the darkness around me like a blanket of nightmares. And I stayed there, made my legs work so I could follow Arden, but kept my mind in that fucked-up little corner where I could scream as much as I wanted to.
And no one could hear it.
Agoraphobia, noun
Extreme, irrational fear of open and public places.
It was late, and I couldn’t sleep.
Peep Show Page 8
