“It doesn’t matter. Not to me.”
She looks up, her eyes glassy, and gives a subtle nod. “I know. I think I knew it then, too, but everything just sort of piled up on me and I felt strangled, and I projected that onto you. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that. You’re incredible, Cade. And you’re more than I deserve.” She squeezes my hand as I try to interrupt, and I snap my mouth shut to let her continue. “You showed me so much. Everything I experienced with you was new. New and amazing and scary as hell. I was just scared,” she whispers and shrugs, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I’ve never been in love before.”
It takes a few moments for what she says to register, but when it does, I close the distance between us, her face gripped in my hands. I search her eyes, looking for a hint of apprehension, but they’re clear. Brushing away the tears with my thumbs, I ask, “Did you just say what I think you said?”
Settling her hands on my hips, she nods, more tears trailing down her face.
A breathless laugh leaves me, and I can’t keep my mouth from hers any longer. I tilt her face up to mine and lower my lips, meeting her in the middle. When my mouth settles against hers, she sighs, her eyes fluttering closed, and if that’s the only sound I hear for the rest of my life, I’ll die happy.
I’ve missed this. So fucking much. Her sounds, her smells, the feel of her skin against my fingers, the pull of her teeth on my lips, and I want this always. Against her lips, I say, “I think this is where you’re supposed to say something like, ‘Aw, fuck, I didn’t mean to say that.’”
Laughing, she shakes her head. “Nope. I meant every word. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before. I’ve felt it for a long time. I just couldn’t admit it. I couldn’t admit a lot of things. I’m so sorry.”
“Stop saying that. Just . . . next time you freak out, promise me you won’t push me away. Whatever it is, whatever comes up, I can handle it. I’m not going to bail.”
She nods, but her eyes show her worry, the corner of her mouth dented in. I reach up, coaxing it from her teeth. “Hey, I’m serious. Trust me, Winter. Trust us.”
“I do. I trust you, Cade. More than I’ve ever trusted anyone.”
“Good. I only want you to be happy. I know I can make you so happy.”
“You do.”
“I know I’ll probably piss you off sometimes, too.” She snorts and I crack a smile. “I can be a little overpowering, but I never want to hold you back or swoop in to rescue you. I just . . . I want to help you when you need it. I just want to be there for you, no matter what. Will you let me?”
Her eyes are clear and bright, sparking with that light that I first fell in love with. And I fall a little more in love with her as she whispers, “For you? Yes.”
THIRTY-ONE
winter
I missed this. This connection, this feeling of completion. The overwhelming sense that I can’t get enough, that I want to swallow him whole. I want to do nothing but float around in this feeling, bask in its euphoria.
The house is quiet around us, Tessa and Haley still at the recital, and I can’t stop myself from touching him. Cade’s lips coax mine open as his hands peel my clothes from my body. We stumble back to his bed, our hands and mouths clumsy and hungry and greedy.
“I missed you,” he says against my breast, his tongue teasing the tip. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
I grip his head in my hand, clutching him to me, my legs cradling his hips. He’s hard for me, the length of him brushing over where I’m aching, bumping my clit as he rocks against me. The moan rips from my throat, and I press my fingers into his ass and lift my hips, hoping he’ll give us what we both want.
Instead, he pulls back, lifts his whole body until he’s hovering over me, the muscles in his arms rippling. His eyes are intense, focused on mine. He drops down, presses his lips to mine, and says against them, “Tell me.”
“Please, Cade, please . . . now. I want you.”
His mouth brushes mine as he shakes his head. “Not what I mean.”
I stare at him, his eyes imploring me, and I know. Reaching up, I run my hands over the short crop of his hair, trailing them along the back of his head until they rest on his neck. He’s so close, his breath mixing with mine in the mere inch between us, and I want to inhale him, keep him inside me forever so I never have to let him go. And what I was so scared about, what I feared the most, comes so easily now. I say the three little words that have never left my lips, knowing with absolute certainty I was just waiting for him to come along.
“I love you.”
His mouth lifts on one side, the subtlest of smiles, and he rewards my words with a shift of his hips. The head of his cock presses into me, just enough to drive me crazy with want.
“More . . .”
“Again,” he counters.
“I love you.”
He rewards me with another slow, delicious thrust, though he isn’t close to filling me.
“Cade,” I groan, digging my heels into his ass, begging him without words to go farther, deeper. When he doesn’t relent, I shift my hips up, whispering, “I love you, I love you, I love you, Cade, please . . .”
He mirrors my groan, finally giving me all of him as he drops his head, his forehead nestled against my neck. “Always.”
I start to repeat what he said, but my words are lost on a moan when he starts moving, slow and deep inside me. How did I ever think I could live without this, without him? How did I ever think my life would be better without the happiness he brings to my heart, the weightlessness I feel when I’m around him?
He rolls us, settling me astride his hips, and the way he looks up at me as I ride him, the way his eyelids droop, his mouth parted in pleasure, the love burning bright in his eyes, wraps itself around me like a blanket, cocooning me in comfort. I smooth my hands over the wide expanse of his chest and up to his shoulders. With my fingers, I trail along his tattoos, tracing the straight lines and curves, the intricate designs and bold lettering, his past laid out for the world to see.
When I reach his hands, he clasps our fingers together and moves them back to settle on either side of his head, pulling me toward him. He lifts his head, capturing my mouth as I shift and rock against him, chasing my pleasure.
“Take it, baby. Take whatever you need. Take all of it. It’s yours.”
And I know he’s talking about so much more than what my body is craving from his. He’s talking about everything, every bit of himself, and for once I’m not scared.
I’m not scared of the failure at the end of the road. I’m not scared of the fall.
I take him, everything he gives me, and I give it all back to him, all I have, every ounce of myself as I burst into a million pieces and fly free.
cade
The sight of Winter when she comes has always brought me to my knees. The sight of her when she comes, words of love falling from her lips as she gives herself to me completely, is better than anything I could’ve dreamed. Combined with the way she pulses around me, squeezing me and coaxing me to go with her, I’m a goner. I reach down, gripping her hips and holding her tight to me as I let go, groaning her name.
She collapses forward against my chest, our bodies damp with sweat. While we both catch our breath, I trace a line along the indentation of her spine, smiling smugly when I feel a wave of goose bumps spread over her skin.
“Wow,” she mumbles into my skin. “That was definitely as good as I remember. Better, even. Been practicing?”
I chuckle, press my lips to her forehead. “Yeah, you’ve got a lot of competition with my right hand. Better watch out.”
I feel her mouth curve against my chest, and then she shifts, rolling off me to lie at my side. Propping her head in her hand, she looks down at me. “So what do we do now?”
Raising my eyebrows, I say, “Well, right now we don’t do anything, but give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready again.”
She smiles, but it’s short-lived, he
r cheek pulled into the cage of her teeth. “I mean tomorrow, and every day after. I heard what you said outside the dance studio . . . You leave in the morning for Chicago?”
I nod, reaching up and brushing her hair over her shoulder, trailing a finger over it and down her arm. When I get to her hand, I pull it over and set it on top of my chest. In the back of my mind, from the minute I saw her standing there outside the building, I’ve been working out a way for this to happen, a way we can be together. There’s only one way. And a part of me is terrified to suggest it, considering what happened the last time. But I want her with me, and she’s finally admitted to wanting the same. Brushing my thumb back and forth against the back of her hand, I say, “Come with me.”
Where only mere weeks ago I would’ve seen panic and fear, now her eyes are clear. Clear and full of sadness I never want to see, and I know her answer.
“I want to, Cade. I do. More than anything.” She takes a deep breath, looks down at our hands against my chest, then lifts her eyes to mine again. “When you left me that voice mail, you mentioned that day at my apartment when we were talking about what we wanted to do. Do you remember what I said?”
“Of course. You wanted to get in a car and just drive, see what was out there.”
She nods. “I made you a deal that day that I would go follow my dream if you followed yours. I know you’re not going to Italy, but you’re taking one step toward it, you’re finally putting what you want first. I promised you I would chase my dream if you did that.”
I swallow, excitement and sadness colliding within me. I want her to experience that. I want to give her her dreams. But I also want her by my side. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m staying with Annette for a while, just until I can save some money. I haven’t been able to find anything in my field around here, so I’ve been doing some freelance designs, and I . . . I love it. And I can do it anywhere. When I have enough money saved up, I’m going to just go. I want to see what else the country has to offer besides the place I grew up or the place I escaped to. I need to, so I’ll know when I pick a place to settle down it’s for more than just the distance from my past. I’m not running from it anymore. You showed me it doesn’t matter, that my past doesn’t define me. It’s only one piece of my puzzle. And I’m so grateful for that. You set me free, Cade.”
I curl up to her, catching her lips in a kiss, and pull her toward me until she’s lying half on top of me, our legs tangled together. And I can’t believe I have to let her go when I just got her back. But I know, as fervently as I know how much I love her, she needs to do this. And she’ll find her home with me, wherever that may be. “You do whatever you have to do. And then you come back to me.”
EPILOGUE
winter
Fifty-four minutes.
My estimated arrival time hasn’t changed since the last time I looked at my GPS, approximately thirty seconds ago. My fingers gripping the steering wheel, I roll my neck, then flip through the radio stations until I find something else to listen to. It doesn’t help, my mind still consumed with how many minutes I have left. If I thought the time leading up to graduation dragged by at an excruciatingly slow pace, it has nothing on the time standing between me and Cade. I count down the minutes as I pass through suburbs, the road nothing more than a blur under the tires. The cities along my route have started to blend together, nothing standing out anymore, and I’m so done with this trip.
I just want to be home.
It took me two months to realize home is a relative term. It’s not a place, not a city or a house. Not an address you can write down, not somewhere you can plant a garden or paint the walls.
It’s a feeling—when you’re complete, accepted, and loved unconditionally.
My home is not a place. My home is in whispered words and quiet phone calls. In Skype dates and postcards sent from the road. My home is in the heart of a boy who swept his way into my life uninvited, tore down my walls without regard for himself, for what it might cost him, for how much it might hurt when I inevitably put the brakes on.
My home is thirty-six miles away, living out his dream and waiting, patiently, for me to live mine. Except it’s not my dream anymore.
It took me two months to realize my dream, my real dream—the one I never admitted to myself, the one I never thought was possible—is the safe haven he provides. The unconditional love, the comfort and support and security he gives me without question.
And it took me two months to realize belonging to someone doesn’t chain you down. The shackles I had on myself were my own doing, residual effects of a shitty childhood and shitty life. No, belonging to Cade doesn’t feel like I’m locked in a cage, trying to break out.
Belonging to him, I’ve never felt freer.
cade
I glance down at my watch, cursing when I see how late I’m running. Several people called in sick at the restaurant, so we all pitched in, staying later or coming in earlier than our scheduled shifts. I got out two hours after I was supposed to, and I have my nightly Skype date with Winter in twelve minutes. I don’t know if I’m going to be home in time. I tried texting her, letting her know I might be late, but I haven’t heard anything back.
In the two months since she’s been gone, there have been a few instances of nothing but silence coming from her end for hours at a time—not a lot, but enough that I’ve had to learn to deal with the worry that comes from having your girlfriend thousands of miles away, by herself. While I thought this trip had been solely for her, it’s been an exercise in restraint on my behalf, as well. Being away from Winter, Tessa, and Haley—the three most important girls in my life—has been a lesson in letting go. In realizing I can’t always be there to make sure they’re okay. That I don’t have to be.
When I get off the ‘L’, I hurry home, climbing the steps two at a time until I’m on the fourth floor, my legs eating up the distance to my door. As I pull my keys from my pocket, I try Winter one more time, dialing her number. An echo sounds as I unlock and push open my door, the ringing coming from the phone held up to my ear and somewhere around me, as well. It takes me a moment to realize it’s because a phone is ringing in the apartment, and I whip my head toward the living room.
And she’s there, standing next to the couch. Her hair’s down and longer than I remember. Her skin, once a creamy white, is tanned now, courtesy of all the places she’s been over the summer. We’ve talked on Skype every night, but it hasn’t been the same. Through a computer monitor, I can’t see the freckles on her nose or her collarbone, the paint-splatter birthmark on her hip. I can’t feel her lips on mine or her curves under my hands.
“Hi.” Her voice is quiet, the corners of her mouth tipped up. “I went to the apartment manager, like you told me to. Got the key you left for me.” She holds it up, waves the single key hanging off one finger.
I don’t wait another second before dropping my shit next to the door and getting to her in three long strides. She gives a breathless laugh when I put my arms around her, crushing her to my chest as I lift her feet off the ground. Her arms are tight around me, the scent of her everywhere as I bury my nose in the crook of her neck. “Hi,” I mumble into her skin.
She laughs harder and squeezes me closer to her. After a moment, I lower her until her feet touch the floor, and I pull away only far enough to grip her face in my hands. My fingers are around the nape of her neck, my thumbs rubbing idly against the smooth, soft skin of her jaw. Her bee-stung lips smile at me, and I can’t wait any longer to taste them. I steal a kiss, starting soft and slow, but when the first brush of her tongue swipes against my mouth, I’m gone. Groaning, I pull her against me, putting everything I’ve felt over the last two months into the kiss. How much I’ve missed her, how hard it’s been for me to let her go, even though I needed to.
With a few soft kisses, I pull back. Her eyes are bright, shining, and I want to see that look on her face every day for the rest of my life. I hope her being here means I will
.
“You came back to me.”
Her lips lift at the corners, her hands clutching my forearms. “I told you I would. I’ll always come back to you, Cade. You’re the only place I’ve ever felt like I belonged.”
“That’s because you belong with me.”
She smiles and makes my world spin with soft words whispered from her lips. “I do.”
Turn the page for a preview of Brighton Walsh’s next book . . .
TESSA EVER AFTER
Coming soon from The Berkley Publishing Group!
ONE
tessa
Some days I feel like I’m running forever on a treadmill that won’t get me anywhere. Constantly behind, yet always moving.
I glance at my phone, noting the time, and try to rush my client out the door without being obvious about the fact that I’m doing it. It’s not that I don’t love her, because I do. She’s a regular, someone who took a chance on a girl barely out of cosmetology school, and has stuck with me for the last three years, referring dozens upon dozens of friends my way while she was at it. But tonight, when I’m already running late getting Haley from daycare, I just want her to stop talking and leave. I stayed late as a favor to her, and I’m paying for it now. I should’ve known I could never squeeze her in, not when she likes to stick around after her appointment to chat.
Once I’ve finally ushered her out the door and I’ve cleaned up my station, I wave good-bye to the other girls working tonight and head out into the bitter fall air. I stuff my hands in my pockets and rush to the car, not waiting for it to warm up before I’m speeding down the streets, hoping to get to Haley before her daycare officially closes for the day. But as the clock creeps toward six and then slowly ticks past, I know that’s futile.
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