Mr Mouthful

by Ian O Lewis

  I leaned against the brick wall and gasped. Every year on this date I’d taken the day off from work and hid away from the world. Now life had become too complicated for that. All I wanted was for my aunt to rise up out of her hospital bed and become the woman who’d helped raise me, and the touch of the man asleep only a few tantalizing steps above me. I lifted myself away from the wall and peered into the darkened coffee shop, then heard my name spoken.

  “Serge?”

  It was that woman friend of Joshua’s with the funny nickname. Sneaky? I wanted to turn and run, but seconds later her hand was on my shoulder and she was leading me into the bar she owned next door.

  I was embarrassed to admit I didn’t remember much, though I recalled confessing to her about my mother’s birthday. When I woke up the next morning with a raging headache and a mouth that tasted like potting soil, it took every ounce of self-control not to crawl back under the comforter and pretend like the world didn’t exist. But, I had to take care of my aunt. So I forced myself to go through the motions, like I had done for years. Problem was, I’d been shown another way, a way that promised hope, and love. That love though, had to be quashed. Otherwise, the man who’d given me a glimpse of what life could be like without my family’s curse, would be ruined by loving someone like me.

  “Please don’t Serge, you have too much to offer. Plus, getting out of your contract would be hellish and expensive for everyone involved. At least think about it a little while longer before bringing it up to the board.”

  Angela was right. I’d signed an ironclad contract with the symphony and getting out of it would be costly. I stood up from my desk.

  “We’re done.” I dismissed her. She seemed like she was about to say something else. I glared at her, wanting to be alone. It was my first day back at work and seeing Joshua at rehearsal had rattled me. All I could think about was escaping.

  I sat and put my face in my hands. The door opened and shut quietly, and I heard the sound of footsteps coming toward me instead of leaving as I had asked her to do. I sighed, not wanting to confront her. When I removed my hands from my face, Joshua was standing in front of my desk.

  His crystal blue eyes had a sheen of moisture, and dark circles showed he’d not been sleeping either. His eyes, damn, throughout rehearsal today I avoided them, the accusations and sorrow plainly showing. If only he knew. If only he understood how painful this was for me. He was handsome, smart and talented. Given time he’d find someone else, while I was virtually guaranteed a lifetime spent alone.

  “How is your aunt?” Joshua asked, his voice just a shade over a whisper. He sat in the black leather chair and waited for my answer.

  “She’s out of ICU, and will move to a new facility early next week if her health continues to improve.” I drummed my fingers on my desk. “Why are you here? You must understand that…”

  “I understand nothing, except this. You are cutting me out of your life because of fear. You aren’t even giving me a chance to, shit, make up my own mind about your illness.” Joshua’s voice was laced in resentment. “Do you want to throw away what we have? I love you, and I’d rather have a few good years with you than none at all.”

  “Joshua, you don’t know what you are saying.” I stood and started pacing behind my desk, anything so I didn’t have to stare into his beautiful eyes.

  “I know you are doing this to protect me. I also know you love me, but it’s not fair the way you are cutting me out of your life. For God’s sake, we could have some fantastic years together before you get... you know. How long have you known you have it?”

  That was the million dollar question.

  In all the years since my mother had passed and my aunt had fallen ill, I’d never questioned my decision to not be tested. I didn’t want to know, plain and simple. Aunt Svetta was tested immediately after Mom was diagnosed, and the knowledge had ruined her remaining healthy years as she waited for the disease to kick into full gear. And watching her now, ravaged and unable to do the simplest things for herself was all the reminder I’d needed that knowledge wasn’t always power.

  “I don’t know. I mean…”

  “Wait, are you telling me you aren’t sick?” Joshua’s jaw dropped.

  “No, I mean I’ve never been tested.” Suddenly my hand snaked out of my pocket, grasped the folder filled with music on my desk and slammed it onto the floor at my feet. Then, I gave the rest of my answer.

  “I’m afraid. Getting tested means knowing a death sentence has already been passed. I can’t live my life in fear, so I’d rather not know.” I said, then felt dampness on my cheeks. I fell back in my chair and swiped at my eyes.

  “Can’t live your life in fear? It seems to me you’re already doing that.” Joshua murmured. When I looked up his cheeks were wet too, his eyes were filled with hurt.

  “Fuck.” I whispered.

  He was right, and I knew it. For so long I didn’t want to know, because the fear of knowing outweighed anything else. But now there was Joshua. What would life be like if I found out I didn’t have it? There was a 50% chance I was healthy, and if I was negative everything would change. Maybe the fucking panic attacks would stop, the waking up in the middle of the night with yet another terrible dream would become a thing of the past. Hell, I could be with the man I loved instead of living in the shadows.

  What if we could always be together?

  “Will you go with me? To get the tests done, that is.” I mumbled.

  Joshua’s face lit up. “Of course. I’ll do anything to help you…”

  “But, if it comes back positive, you have to abide by any decisions I make. I will not allow you to take care of an invalid. It can ruin a man. Ask me how I know.” I bent over and started picking up the scattered sheet music at my feet. Seconds later Joshua’s hands were under my arms and pulling me up.

  “If you are sick, if you have Huntington’s disease, please let me make the decision with you. Serge, you’ve suffered enough alone. I would rather be with you. That’s what love is about, the good times and the bad. Please don’t send me away if the test comes back positive. I love you, no matter what.” Joshua said, then wrapped his arms around me.

  A silent sob escaped, and soon my chest was shaking against his. His arms tightened around my chest, and I felt his hand in my hair. God, I loved this man, would do anything for him, fuck it, I’d even get tested for him. But, if it turned out I was sick, I’d have to let him go. I had no idea how I’d do it, but I loved him enough to set him free.

  “I love you Joshua, no matter how this turns out, never, ever forget that.”

  26

  Serge

  “Are you a relative of Mr. Kuznetsov?”

  We were at the genetic testing facility run by VCU Hospitals. Joshua flushed and shook his head no to the counselor.

  “I would like it if he could be with me for support.” I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

  “We understand that, sir, but it is hospital policy. We allow only family members or spouses to accompany the patient for this portion of the procedure. He can be with you for the rest of the process. In fact, we encourage you to have a close friend or relative available for support.” She was an older woman with a kind face which was probably what kept me from completely going off on her. I felt Joshua’s hand on the small of my back and he whispered in my ear.

  “I’ll be out here, don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He said, then urged me to follow the woman who’d already turned on her heels and was walking toward the double metal doors at the other side of the waiting room.

  “But…” I felt my pulse racing, fear surging through my limbs.

  “It’s okay. I’ll be here. They’re professionals, and they know what they are doing.” Joshua said, then whispered “I love you.”

  I propelled myself forward, terrified of everything about to happen, wondering if I was making a huge mistake learning the truth. The woman opened the door for me, and when it swished shut
behind me, I almost fell against the beige industrial-looking wall. Sweat poured down my sides as I forced my feet forward. Finally, at the end of the hallway she opened a scratched up door and escorted me into a comfortable office with wood paneling, an antique wooden chair, and a beat-up desk that she sat behind.

  I’d forgotten her name, so I checked out the nameplate on the front of her desk. Dr. Cynthia Burr said nothing for a moment, then spoke slowly as if I was a child.

  “Before we perform the actual blood test, we like to provide counseling, to prepare you, so to speak.” She steepled her fingers under her chin. “If the test concludes you have the genetic mutation, your life will change forever. The same thing will happen if it turns out you do not. So tell me, why do you want to take the test?”

  I swallowed, hard.

  “Because of the man we left behind in the waiting room. I want to know, because I want a future with Joshua, but I couldn’t bear it if I ended up being a burden to him for the rest of my life.” There was more I could say, but, hell, maybe it was time to just say it. That’s what she was there for.

  “I’m tired of waiting for the axe to fall. When my mother was diagnosed almost twenty years ago, they told me I should get tested, but I didn’t want to know. My thinking was, it wouldn’t help me one way or the other to know if I was going to become sick like she was, or my aunt who’s also ill.” I felt my throat tighten and struggled to find the right words. For some odd reason my inner voice was littering my thoughts with Russian words I could barely understand.

  After an uncomfortable silence the woman opened her desk drawer and withdrew a box of tissues and pushed them across the desk.

  “Take all the time you need, Mr. Kuznetsov. Let me make one thing perfectly clear. If at any time you decide you don’t want to go through with this, we will stop the process. So many people look at the decision to get tested for the mutated gene as being a simple one, when in fact it’s one of the most difficult decisions you will ever make in your life.”

  She had that fucking right.

  “I feel like I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t. Getting tested that is.” I eyed the box of tissues, then willed myself to calm down. “If I test positive for the mutation, then I’ll give him up, lose the only man I’ve ever loved. If I test negative, I wonder how I will live with the guilt, that somehow I’d been spared while my mother and aunt have suffered so much.” I was gripping the sides of the chair so tight it surprised me the wood didn’t crack.

  “How does your partner feel about this? Does he know you’d end the relationship if you test positive?” Dr. Burr picked up a pen, opened a folder and wrote something down.

  “No.” I choked out. “I mean, I’ve told him before, hell, he keeps ignoring that part, and I can’t seem to get him to accept that all I’d end up being is a burden. Or maybe, I haven’t tried hard enough? I don’t know.” I covered my face with my hands and sighed, then let them drop to my lap.

  “The thing is, I need to know, and not just for Joshua. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat from nightmares. Or, I’ll be doing any type of mundane thing like my laundry or going to the store and suddenly think I will have a panic attack. The anxiety is ruining my life. I need to man up and face this, and the longer I put it off the worse this will get. Would you get the test done if you were in my shoes?” I asked.

  A cloud passed over her face for a moment, then she spoke.

  “I can’t tell you what to do. The choice is yours. I know this is difficult, and I’ll do whatever I can to make this experience as simple as possible. Now, let’s go over a few things first, then if you decide to go through with the test we can have your partner join you. Okay?”

  I nodded, and for half-a-second I considered running out the back door, getting in my car and driving until it ran out of gas. But then I remembered Joshua had driven and had my damn keys in his pocket.

  Couldn’t leave him behind now, could I?

  “Three weeks?!” I exclaimed.

  “Yes, I know the wait is hard, but it will take three weeks before we can give you the results. We offer counseling services during the interim if you need it, and we encourage your support system," Dr. Burr nodded toward Joshua, “to help you get through this waiting period.”

  How the hell could I wait that long? I’ll spend every fucking day obsessed with…

  “Serge, we have a lot going on at work, you know that. We will be traveling back and forth to Norfolk almost every day for the opera, then up to Fairfax for the same production. Plus, I’ll be there for you, promise.” Joshua said, though when I looked him in the eye I noticed fear there too.

  “You know I’m a handful on a good day. Are you prepared to put up with me for three weeks living on the edge?” My leg started jumping, and I placed the flat of my hand on my thigh to calm it down.

  “We’ll be fine, Serge. You’ll be okay.” Joshua sighed, and put his arm around my shoulders.

  “I do want to mention again, that you do not have to go through with the test. Also, if you change your mind after we’ve performed the test and do not want to know the results, that’s okay too.” Dr. Burr was giving me every chance to back out of it. Then I felt Joshua’s hand rubbing my back, reassuring me. I turned to him and then held out my arm for the blood draw.

  “Let’s do it. Oh, but I can’t look. I hate the sight of blood.”

  27

  Serge

  “So I did it. I finally got tested, Aunt Svetta.”

  Her doe eyes met mine, and I felt a tiny squeeze of her fingers in my hand. It had taken me the entire three weeks to get up the courage to tell her about it. I think she understood what I had said, but since she couldn’t speak anymore, it was hard to tell. Then I noticed a tear sliding down her cheek. I crossed the room and picked up a box of tissues, then carefully dabbed her tears away. Her arms flailed for a moment, and then she settled down.

  It was harder now to keep it together when I was around her. I didn’t want her to see me cry, to feel the anguish I felt every time I saw her. Despite my steady travel schedule throughout the state I had doubled up on my visits now that she was in a new home. I still didn’t trust the staff, and even though I had a private nurse with her every single day, I wanted to be sure she was as comfortable as possible.

  “I have a surprise for you. They taped the opera’s performance for public television. I’m going to bring in a DVD player and watch it with you. You’ll love it, it has…”

  I filled up the next hour with idle chatter. I decided against telling her that when I left here I was meeting Joshua at the coffee shop. He would drive us to get the test results.

  Dread and fear, those were my constant companions for the last few weeks. If Joshua hadn’t been there for me, I don’t know how I would’ve survived it. Then again, part of me blamed him for putting me through this in the first place. After cursing Joshua in my head for a few minutes every day I’d realize that I’d be lost without him by my side, and that I was doing the right thing. I’d take a few deep breaths, and remember that no matter the result, at least I could let go of this continuous fear of the unknown.

  It was so damn strange letting go of my willful ignorance. It had been a part of me for so long I didn’t know how to live any other way. Joshua had pointed the way out of the darkness, and I’d always be indebted to him.

  “Aunt Svetta,” I said, then bent down and brushed my lips on her forehead, “I have to go now. I love you.”

  Joshua moved in with me.

  We’d never spoken of it, or made any type of agreement, but he’d spent every night for the last three weeks in my bed. Slowly his belongings accumulated. A week ago while he was working at his coffee shop, I’d cleared out a few drawers and made space in the closet for his stuff. It was getting messy, his t shirts and underwear piled on top of the dresser. It was a matter of practicality, that’s all. He never mentioned it, so we pretended it had always been that way.

  So much went unspo
ken. It was almost like we could read each other’s minds, always knew when to touch, and when the other needed a little breathing space. Nothing in my prior existence prepared me for this almost instant intimacy. But shitty circumstances sometimes had a silver lining as I discovered, much to my surprise. In fact, I wondered what would happen if I tested positive for that fucking mutated gene. Would I be able to let go of him? Or would I selfishly keep him around, unable to give him up?

  Then we started making music together. No, not just playing instruments but actually composing. I’d been stuck on a piece of music for the film score, pecking out on the piano the beginning of a melody but unable to finish it. My brain was so stressed out I could barely eke out a measure of music without a nervous breakdown. Joshua pulled his cello out and seconds later completed it perfectly. Then, we did it again, and the mind reading thing kicked into full gear. The music flowed better than it ever had before.

  I didn’t even believe in God, but I prayed constantly, under my breath when no one was around. “Please let me be negative. I don’t want this to end, never want to send him away, please God, please.”

  “So this is it.” Joshua said as he parked the car. He turned to face me and mustered up half a smile. I bit my lower lip, knowing I should probably say something, but my pulse was revving up and getting louder in my ears.

  “Let’s get this over with.” I breathed. My fingers fumbled trying to get the car door open, but I finally got them to work. I was about to swing my feet out onto the pavement when I felt Joshua’s hand on my shoulder.

  “I love you no matter what.” He whispered. A tear threatened to fall from his left eye, and I cupped his cheek in my hand.

  “I love you too.”

  Moments later we were in the crowded waiting room. We’d gotten there a few minutes early, hoping we’d be able to see the doctor promptly. No such luck. Every single second we waited was agony. The low murmur of conversation around us echoed repeatedly in my head, becoming louder and louder. Finally, Dr. Burr appeared at the door and asked us to come back to her office. When we both stood, I turned to Joshua and spoke in a low voice.