I look over. Kat leans her head back and kicks her feet up on the dash. She ignores my blatant staring. The traffic finally starts moving as we make our way onto I-10. I turn up the radio to dispel the tension.
When we finally get past Palm Springs, I exit to grab some food.
“Oh, thank god! I’m starving,” Kat says as I pull into a fast food joint.
“What do you want?”
“Oh, I get to choose?” she asks.
“You always have a choice.”
Kat rolls her eyes. “I should have known you would say that. Umm, I want a hamburger kid’s meal with a Coke.” I raise an eyebrow at her. “I know, it’s not the most glamorous meal, but it’ll do.”
After getting our food, I hand Kat her meal box, toy included, and hop back on the freeway. The traffic is lighter now and I’ll easily be able to make up our lost time from LA. The van is quiet as we eat, the only sound comes from the radio. A commercial for College of the Desert tells us that we can all be college graduates in just two years.
“Guess I won’t be needing my college degree where I’m going,” Kat says. “Hey, they probably have computers in prison, right?” I shrug. “I’ll just spend my time there, hacking government websites and writing algorithms to send millions of spam emails to Marilyn.”
“Whatever that means.”
“An algorithm is a set of detailed instructions that results in a predictable end-state from a known beginning. It’s used in computer programming, among other things. Each program is a series of instructions, and is listed in a specific order, designed to perform a task. It’s also used to solve math equations and define behaviors of our brains.”
“You’re that smart and you want to use it to send spam emails to your aunt?”
She nods and brings her feet up on the seat.
“Technically, she’s my step-aunt. Marilyn always hated me and my mom. She thought we were poor trash. Well, payback is a bitch.” Kat shoves a few fries into her mouth and chews. “Marilyn said Dennis was lowering his standards by marrying my mom, said my mom was a gold digger. We used to go to her house for Christmas. She was all rainbows and sunshine when Dennis was around, but when he left the room she would treat me and my mother like we were dirt.”
I nod at her and keep quiet. I never had an extended family, so I can’t fathom big Christmas dinners around a table. It’s all very surreal in my head.
“I remember going there after the birth of her first kid. I thought that her becoming a mother would maybe soften her up, but she only got worse. I was playing with the baby while everyone else sat eating dinner. When she noticed, she stormed over, snatched him from my arms, and told me to keep my filthy hands off of him. So yeah, it was a pretty awesome Christmas.”
Growing up, I always imagined people with money having perfect holidays. Perfect lives. Kat was proof of how wrong I’d been.
“What do you think my chances are of getting a decent public defense attorney?” she asks after a few moments of silence.
“I don’t know, Kat. You don’t think your mom will buy you a big fancy lawyer?”
“No,” she says, chewing her lip. “I wouldn’t accept it if she did. You can’t shun me one minute and offer help the next. Come on, you’re around this all the time. You have no opinion?”
“I don’t stick around for the trials,” I insist.
“So what’s the plan? You just drive by the prison and push me out on your way to the bank?”
I don’t like her attitude or the direction of this conversation.
“Not exactly.”
“Well?” she asks.
“It’s different for each case, Kat.”
“Tell me about it.” I shake my head at her. “Come on, I told you about my Mimi, shared my traffic game with you, confessed my crime, and kissed away your nightmares.”
I choke on her last words.
“You don’t want to know,” I say, punctuating each word with my fist against the steering wheel.
“Yes, I do,” she says, her frustrated voice growing louder. She turns in her seat and points her finger at me. “You won’t tell me your name, you keep this hard mask in place and I can’t stand it! I’ve never met anyone so infuriating in my life. One minute you’re open and honest and the next you’re closed off again. What the hell made you this way?”
I slam on the brakes and pull to the side of the freeway. My seat belt locks and cuts into my shoulder as I lurch forward. Rocks crunch under the sliding tires and then all is quiet.
“Fine! You want to know me?” I pick up my gun and point it at her. “This gun is the only thing I trust. I wasn’t strong enough to save my mother. My father took her life and it was my fault. Her death is on me. I have lied, cheated, and stolen in order to capture hundreds of targets, delivering them to whoever paid the highest fee. I’ve tortured truths out of friends. I’ve betrayed my employers and I’ve used women for sex. I don’t regret any of it. I don’t want your sympathy or your judgment. My conscience, along with my humanity, died long ago.”
In twenty-seconds I confessed more to Kat than I’ve ever even admitted to myself. I face forward and tuck my gun away. Slamming my fist against the dashboard, I feel satisfied when she jumps. The silence surrounds us, draining the fight from my head.
Checking my mirrors, I merge back onto the road. I press the accelerator down, asking too much from this piece of shit van. I feel trapped and anxious in here, so I crack the window and let the fresh air calm me.
“It’s not true,” she says softly. I ignore her, keeping my eyes on the horizon. “Your humanity is not dead. The will to change is dead. You’ve lost the belief that there is good left in you. You’ve accepted your title as a monster when you don’t have to be one. You’re not a monster.”
For the next hour, we drive in silence. The scenery flies by at a blur, never anchoring us to any place. I feel the weight of Kat’s words in my head and try to shake free of them. She’s wrong. I can’t change who I am.
Kat presses the buttons on the radio and searches until she finds something clear. She begins to sing along, her voice soft and noncommittal to the lyrics. I chance a look in her direction and find her arms wrapped around her knees. She stares out the front of the van. Kat’s fidgeting hands play with the frayed edge of her shirtsleeve, wrapping a long string around her finger and then unwinding it again.
It’s moments like this when it’s easy to see her innocence. Her life has been unfairly stolen by an abusive stepfather. As much as she sees the monster in herself for taking his life, she fails to see one in me. I want her to have an easy life, free from hurt and guilt. But, she won’t have any of those things. In twenty-four hours, she won’t have anything at all.
As we creep toward Texas, I notice Kat’s fidgeting get worse. There’s no singing now. She just hugs her legs tight and rocks back and forth.
My phone rings.
“Yeah.”
“Boss, you in town yet?” Brad asks.
“No, had a delay. We’ll be in town tomorrow night.”
“I checked the account and they’ve transferred half the money already, the rest will be transferred when the job’s done.”
“Good.”
“Also, I spoke to Jack this morning. He said Dragon’s pissed because this Boots guy hasn’t checked in with him in the last two days.”
“Okay. Let me know if Boots contacts any of Dragon’s people,” I say glancing over to Kat. She returns my gaze.
“Will do. Did you need assistance for the delivery?” Brad asks hopefully. The answer has never been yes.
“No, I’ll be finishing this alone.” Kat glares down at her shoes.
“Right. Well, I’ll let you know if I hear anything.”
I hang up and I try to get my head around this job and what it means to complete it. I know exactly what it means for her, but not for me. I mentally scroll through everything I read in her file. Facts, names, and numbers jump out at me, but nothing in that file explains the in
ner workings of the girl that has inexplicably wrapped herself around me.
“Oh God! Pull over! I’m gonna be sick,” Kat shouts. I slam on the brakes and change lanes, sliding onto the shoulder quickly. I throw the van in park as Kat hurls herself out of the door.
She empties her stomach onto the ground. I jump out and run around to her side. When she’s finished, I hand her napkins from our food bag and the rest of my water. She kneels in the dirt, continuing to dry heave.
“Kat,” I say, dropping to my knees in front of her. “Kat.” When her eyes meet mine, I feel crippled by the fear there. “What is it?”
I watch as her hand raises straight out behind me. I follow the extension of her arm, leading to her pointing finger. There it stands, not twenty feet from us, glaring with its reflective letters. WELCOME TO ARIZONA. It’s a blatant sign of her time left, each state line counting down to her grim future. Each mile steals a bit of her carefree attitude, replacing it with fear.
She kneels on the ground, staring off into the distance, her arms wrapped around her middle. I’m at a loss. So, I do the only thing I can. I pick her up, dust her off, and place her in the back of the van.
Kat eventually falls asleep. The silence is comforting, but being alone with my thoughts is proving to be difficult. I wonder if this will truly be the end of Katherine Percle. If I can get through the delivery, then I’ll be done. She’ll be out of my hair and I’ll never see her again. Is that what I truly want?
While crossing the state line brought to light just how close she is to her unavoidable future, she has no idea what really lays waiting for her in San Antonio. Am I a bastard for keeping her in the dark? Maybe, but it’s easier for everyone this way.
Still, I feel like I owe her something. I feel like she deserves more after everything she’s been through. At the very least, somewhere to clear her head. When I see the freeway sign, I know I’ve found that place. I search the directions on my phone and take the next exit.
I can’t give her my name or even my word, but I can give her this.
14: her
“Kat, wake up.” My eyes shoot open and I snap up, gasping for air. Dread fills my body and I feel like this is the end. “Don’t worry, we’re not there yet.”
My hand covers my heart, where I try to rub away the furious pounding. “I thought—” I start, but can’t bring myself to finish.
“Still about fourteen hours out. We took a detour. Come on,” Steel says.
He exits the van and comes around to open my door. I stand and stretch before righting my clothes and smoothing down my hair. There is a funky taste in my mouth, so I dig out the mouthwash from my bag, swish it around until it burns and spit it on the ground. I finish off the water bottle and wipe my face with the bottom of my shirt.
“Feel better?” Steel asks.
I nod and look around. This place is green, something out of place in the desert. There are trees and flowers everywhere, even a lake. The floral scent flits around me and I inhale deeply to get more. It’s like I fell asleep in Kansas and woke up in Oz. Steel nods to a sign behind me and when I turn to read it, I can’t believe my eyes.
“Paradise Memorial Gardens? We’re in Avondale?” I cover my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Do you remember where she is?” he asks.
I stare at him in awe. I’m trying to piece together the cold, hard man with the one who brings me to visit my grandmother’s grave. Steel doesn’t make eye contact. Instead, his eyes scan the grounds. I start down the road and he quietly follows.
“She’s buried near the lake. The family thought it would be best since Mimi loved the water so much.”
As we walk, I can’t help but steal glances at him. I wonder what his motivation is for bringing me here. Is it just an act of kindness or is it guilt? I can’t imagine he’s feeling guilty about anything. I’m only a job to him, a girl who’s made his life hell for the past month. There’s something in the way he avoids my gaze, some kind of warning.
I leave the road and turn toward the lake. We walk through the thick, green grass to the edge of the water. The air is warm as a gentle breeze blows like a whisper. Ducks that were settled in the grass hop into the water as we approach. They swim off quacking softly, the ripples creating an animated arrow in the water. I turn and read the name printed on Mimi’s headstone, running my fingers over the embossed letters.
“Katherine Marie Percle,” I say aloud. “It’s strange seeing your own name on a headstone.”
I take a seat in front of the headstone and sit with my legs crossed. I pat the ground next to me, indicating that Steel should sit, but he shakes his head and keeps his distance. I look around and only find a couple of parked cars, no other people. It’s quiet and peaceful here.
“Mimi, I miss you so much. I’m not sure if you can hear me or not, but I’m going to talk.” I stare at the lifeless stone half expecting her to answer me. She doesn’t. “I’m sorry I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me to. I tried, I did. I was a good girl, most of the time. I mean college was kind of a blur, but that doesn’t count, right?”
I give a little laugh and blink away the tears swimming in my eyes. The drops of saltwater carve a path over my cheeks and drop from my chin. When the breeze blows across my face I can feel the cool wetness even more. I pretend it’s a kiss from Mimi.
“I’ve lost everything. With Dad gone and Mom becoming Cruella, I’ve got no one. I did something bad and now I’ve got to pay the price. You know what? I think you would have done the same thing if you’d been in my shoes.
“Anyway, I love you and miss you so much. My friend, Pedro, brought me to see you.” I turn to Steel and he shakes his head at my newest name for him. The setting sun casts a golden blanket over everything and he looks like a bronze statue beside the water. “He’s a decent guy and not too bad to look at, if you know what I mean. If you can hear me, please watch over Mom and tell Daddy that I miss him so much. Every day.”
I run my fingers along the curve of her headstone, then stand and dust off the seat of my jeans. I use the bottom of my shirt to dab the last tears from my eyes and turn to face the inevitable. A huge gust of wind blows through, rustling the leaves on the trees. A nearby flag waves and snaps at us.
“Well, that was touching,” a deep voice says. Steel pulls his gun and points it as Boots appears. My stomach flips and I gasp for air as he leans against a tree and lights a cigarette. “Katherine, dear, it’s time to go now.”
I shake my head and tuck my trembling hands into fists. “No.”
“She’s not going anywhere with you,” Steel says.
“We’ll see about that,” Boots answers. His voice is calm and annoyingly sure.
I stand halfway between the two men. My head turning back and forth as if I’m watching a tennis match. The tension is thick and pulls me back and forth like a tug of war. Steel looks rattled. I can tell it’s unusual for him to be taken by surprise.
“Kat, let’s go,” Steel says, backing away. I take a step with him.
“Not so fast, Katherine.” Something about the tone of his voice or the way he says my name makes me stop. Boots takes a long drag and blows out the smoke. It swirls around his face before disappearing. “I don’t suppose in the time that you’ve spent together, your captor has told you who he works for, has he?”
I look at Steel then back to this stranger. “No,” I answer, confused. “I don’t know.”
“While I intend to deliver you to the proper authorities, he is privately funded. Did he tell you how much your bounty is?”
“Five hundred thousand dollars,” I whisper.
Confusion swirls around my head, making me dizzy as I try to define the words privately funded. Boots laughs and pushes off the tree, exhaling another puff of smoke. He seems to not be fazed by Steel’s gun at all. When he faces me I can clearly see that he has two black eyes and his nose is swollen.
“No public office would pay that much for one person,” he says.
I try to process his words as I glance back and forth between the two men. I turn to Steel and for the first time since I met him, he looks guilty. His blue eyes shine as he readjusts the grip on his gun and squares his shoulders.
“Who hired you?” I ask. He says nothing, only shakes his head back and forth. His motions are mechanical, as if he’s a puppet with someone else at the controls. “Who hired you?” I ask again.
“When a private party hires this guy to find someone before I do, it can only mean one thing. You’ll never see the inside of a courtroom or look into the eyes of a jury. You’re already dead. The moment he found you, you were dead.”
“Is that true? Were you hired to kill me? Who hired you?” Steel remains silent, his gun still pointed at Boots. “Answer me, you coward!”
“Yes,” he says. “It’s true.” In the fading light, I can barely see his mouth move, but I hear those words loud and clear.
“What? I don’t…” My voice abandons me as I fight the shock and panic. I’m shaking and shattered, my insides crumple in on themselves. I fight for each breath, not wanting to process anything. I lean onto a nearby headstone to keep myself steady.
“But, I wasn’t going to do it,” Steel yells. “I can’t.”
“He’s lying,” Boots says. He lifts his hand and waves me over. “Come with me, Katherine. I’ll make sure you get to where you’re supposed to be.”
I move toward Boots, feeling my chances are better with him. The lies and betrayal eat away at me and I can’t make myself face Steel.
“Kat!” he yells. “We can run! We’ll go to Mexico and disappear!” He sounds desperate, only I’m not sure of his motivation anymore.
Held Against You Page 14
