by James Dudley
The Clown Prince of Kowloon
James Dudley
Copyright © 2017 James Dudley
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 154496062X
ISBN-13: 978-1544960623
“To newcomers, Hong Kong seems like a combination of Times Square on New Year’s eve, the subway at five-thirty in the afternoon, a three-alarm fire, a public auction and a country fair.” – Martha Gellhorn
Chapter 1
Heilongjiang Province, China: 1957
The cold, biting wind howled as it blew down from the towering mountains, stirring up clouds of flurries among the thick sheets of freshly fallen snow. The convoy of military trucks slowed to a halt, the sputtering of their engines giving way to an eerie silence. General Jiao-long Sheng stepped out of the lead truck, surveying the scene as he dug his boots into the frozen ground. It was nearly nightfall, and the last rays of sunlight were reflecting off the snow before they disappeared over the horizon. He had reached the northernmost point in his country. Just ahead, across the icy waters of the Amur River, lay the harsh and forbidding terrain of the Soviet Union.
To the outside world, China and the Soviet Union were Communist Bloc allies in the great geopolitical game: two large landmasses both colored in red on the world map. But to a man like General Sheng who dealt in intrigue and subterfuge, the true situation was far more complex. The death of Josef Stalin four years prior had led to an internal power struggle in Moscow, the effects of which were far-flung. While Moscow and Beijing remained publicly aligned, behind the scenes the relationship was now defined by suspicion and mistrust, and was subject to change even more often than even the most infamous on-again off-again Hollywood couples.
Working quietly and efficiently, the small group of soldiers accompanying General Sheng stepped out of the trucks and placed white tarps overtop the vehicles, making them nearly invisible against the backdrop of the snow. They were his best men, handpicked from his elite intelligence unit of the People’s Liberation Army, selected equally for their skills as well as their steadfast loyalty. Winter operations were a familiar task for these men, most of them having fought in Korea under extremely harsh conditions. Wearing their white winter parkas, they fell into formation and began to move stealthily through the frozen forest. It was hard terrain, but these were hard men.
General Sheng led the way as the soldiers marched down to the riverbank and set to work assembling the inflatable rafts they had carried in their packs. He gripped a rubber oar in his hands as he silently looked on. A soldier nearly all his life, General Sheng had now been in a state of war for over two decades- against the Japanese in World War II, the Nationalists in the civil war, and most recently, the Americans in Korea. Throughout all these wars, he made a name for himself through his ability to gather the best information and act on it, always staying one step ahead of his adversaries. These skills were of particular use in the new Cold War arena, where knowledge, of one’s enemies as well as one’s friends, was the ultimate leverage.
On General Sheng’s signal, the soldiers dragged the rafts down to the water’s edge, sat down inside them, and began to row. Their mission was challenging yet simple: they were to cross over to the Soviet side, abduct a border guard, and obtain whatever information they could from him. As Sino-Soviet tensions grew, both sides’ operations in the border regions were becoming ever more audacious.
The sun finally disappeared over the horizon, giving the soldiers the cover of nightfall as they paddled their way across the icy waters. They rowed in a steady rhythm until they reached the other side, where they stepped out, dragged the rafts ashore, and hid them in a thicket of shrubbery. Using only hand signals to communicate, they arranged themselves in formation and followed General Sheng to a cluster of trees, where they crouched down, took cover, and waited.
General Sheng’s sources had provided him with detailed plans of the Soviet patrols, so he knew that they had arrived right where they needed to be. Right on schedule, a lone Soviet solider ambled past their position without looking up. His rifle was lazily slung over his shoulder, his uniform was disheveled, and he appeared to be amusing himself by kicking a rock ahead of him as he walked. It was exactly the type of complacency that made one an easy target.
General Sheng gave a signal and his men leaped into action. Before the Russian could react, one of Sheng’s men grabbed him from behind and placed him in a chokehold until he passed out. Then two other men stepped forward, placed a black hood over his head, and cooperated to carry the unconscious soldier as the rest of the group rushed back to the rafts. As quickly as they had arrived, the soldiers disappeared over the river and back into Chinese territory.
Back on the southern bank of the river, the Chinese soldiers marched with their new prisoner until they reached a remote border guard outpost. In a quick flurry of motion, the guards threw open the doors and ushered their guests down a stairwell and into the dark musty cellar. The prisoner looked dazed and confused as he started to come to, and the shouting and quick movements were sure to add to the sensation of disorientation. Two soldiers slammed the prisoner down on a chair, and then backed away as General Sheng assumed control of the room.
“Gentlemen, you have all performed admirably,” he announced. “Now, I must ask that you leave me alone with the prisoner.”
Obeying his command, the soldiers filed out of the room, and it was suddenly quiet. “I apologize for the rough treatment,” General Sheng said when they gone. He pulled off the hood and allowed the prisoner to gain his bearings.
“Don’t apologize. It was all necessary to sell the plan, and you sold it very well,” said the prisoner. He wore a patch over his left eye, and his weathered face betrayed an age and experience level that far surpassed that of the young conscript’s uniform he had been wearing.
General Sheng poured a cup of coffee from a pot on a back corner table, and handed it to the Russian along with a blanket. “Welcome to China, General Kharlamov.”
“Thank you, it’s great to be back.”
Sheng believed it would have been much easier if Kharlamov had simply walked across the border himself, but Kharlamov had insisted on doing things this way, as he always did have a flair for the dramatic. There were very few men in this world that General Sheng respected as an equal, but General Igor Vladimirovich Kharlamov was one of them. They were kindred spirits- two grizzled veterans who had long lived lives of intrigue and deception on behalf of their countries and their mutual cause.
Kharlamov had first made his bones during the chaotic days of the Russian Revolution, when his daring operations secured vital intelligence to help the Bolsheviks overthrow the Czars. This launched a legendary career that saw high-risk missions all over the world and a rapid ascent through the ranks of Soviet intelligence as the original NKVD gave way to the contemporary KGB. During the Second World War, Josef Stalin himself confided that Kharlamov’s deception operations were worth at least two divisions of soldiers because of their effect on the battlefield.
The two Generals had met for the first time as young men, when Kharlamov had been assigned as an “advisor” to the Communist forces when China’s civil war first broke out in the 1920’s. When the fighting resumed after World War II, Kharlamov returned to China once more, where he played an important but secretive role in helping the Communists achieve victory. At the dawn of the current decade, the alliance between two of the world’s biggest countries was solidified, and Kharlamov’s position in the Soviet power structure was as strong as ever.
However, in recent years, things had become much more complicated. The death of Josef Stalin created a power vacuum in Moscow. Some ambitious actors strove for power immediately, while others bided th
eir time. It was three years previously in Paris that General Kharlamov decided to make his move. When diplomats from East and West were gathered to sign an international treaty, he launched an audacious plot against an exiled Central European monarchy that was sure to ignite the massive land war that would bring the chaos in which he thrived. However, his plan was thwarted by a series of unforeseen events, and he soon found himself alienated and out of favor in Moscow. This led him to his present position, exiled to a remote outpost on the Siberian frontier. Not content to simply remain there and wait for the political winds to shift, his plots were now in motion once again.
“I believe we are on the same page with regards to the current status of both our governments,” Kharlamov said.
“Yes, Moscow is weak, and Beijing is not much better. Our leaders are straying from the true path. We can see it with our own eyes.” Sheng glanced at Kharlamov’s eye patch, and then looked down at the floor, instantly regretting his choice of words.
Kharlamov simply ignored the potential awkwardness. “Yes, and as we discussed, what we need now is an alliance of all true communists, wherever they may be from.”
Sheng nodded. “Yes, a revolution within the revolution.”
Kharlamov rose from his seat, a renewed vigor filling his aging joints. “And now, it begins. Now, we must turn our attention to Hong Kong.”
Chapter 2
Pearl Harbor, Hawaii
Against the backdrop of an orange and red tropical sunset over the clear blue waters, Tommy Malloy stood on a temporary outdoor stage, a microphone in his hand. The stage was lined with red, white, and blue bunting, and a large banner was stretched out behind him bearing the logo of the USO, the organization well-known for providing support and entertainment for American service members around the world. The seating area in front of him was packed well beyond capacity with sailors and airmen from nearby military bases, eager to catch a glimpse of the famous comedian.
“A group of Japanese tourists asked me where to find the USS Arizona,” he recounted, the crowd hanging on his every word. “I told them it’s over there, right where they left it.”
The crowd exploded in raucous laughter, with the exception of an Admiral in the front row who mouthed the words, “Too soon.” Tommy breathed a sigh of relief that the risky joke had seemed to go over well, but knew that he would still never use it in one of his ordinary performances.
One of the things he enjoyed about performing for a military crowd is that the typical rules of decorum were a bit more relaxed. While his usual material was safe, family friendly, and noncontroversial, he could afford to be a little more edgy here. And while he usually dressed up for performances, here he was casually dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, dungarees, and a Philadelphia Phillies ball cap.
“Are there any Marines in the crowd?” he asked.
“Ooh-rah!” shouted a group of men in green near the back.
“I tried to join the Marines once, but they wouldn’t let me because my parents were married.” Tommy paused for laughter and then continued with his set.
“I see a lot of Air Force blue in the crowd.” He paused momentarily as a large portion of the crowd cheered. “Keeping America safe, one putting green at a time.”
Tommy grinned to himself as the crowd interrupted him with laughter once more. There was a sweet spot that comedians sometimes reached when you knew you had the audience. He was there now, and it was a great feeling.
“Is there anybody here from the Coast Guard?”
One enthusiastic fan towards the back jumped up and waved his arms.
“I thought about writing some Coast Guard jokes, but honestly, you just aren’t relevant enough.”
The lone Coastie looked down in embarrassment as the others laughed at his expense. “I’m just kidding,” Tommy continued, “You have a very important job. Somebody has to keep the Navy wives company.”
The line elicited many laughs, particularly from the Navy contingent.
“Because you know what happens on those Navy deployments…200 men ship out, 100 happy couples come back, not that there’s anything wrong with that. You know, I’ve heard the Navy has the fastest advancement rate; you all become Rear Admirals pretty quickly.”
Tommy took a deep breath as he neared the end of his set. “Now, as many as many of you know, I was once an Army paratrooper, one of the only people stupid enough to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, and the great thing about the different services is that it’s the epitome of a sibling rivalry. You can make fun of each other all you want, but at the end of the day, they’re still your family, even the ugly ones you keep locked in the attic. Thank you for service, and may God bless you all.” The crowd rose in a standing ovation as he took a bow. He soaked it all in before introducing the next segment of the show.
“Oh who am I kidding? You all didn’t come here to see some pasty Irish guy tell jokes! Please give a warm welcome to the real reason you’re here, Miss Donna Chang!” The crowd whistled and cheered as Tommy walked off the stage, giving way to Donna, a San Francisco lounge singer turned Hollywood starlet who had several musical numbers prepared.
Performing at a USO show brought back a flood of memories for Tommy as he walked to the backstage trailer, and it made him reflect on just how far he’d come. It was during his World War II service that he was first exposed to stand-up comedy in English dancehalls and decided to try his own hand at it. It was soon apparent that he had a real gift for it, and tales of his routine spread from unit to unit in the tightly packed military camps. As a member of the 82nd Airborne Division, Tommy was often in the thick of the fighting, but any time they were pulled away from the front lines, the comedy shows were back on.
Towards the end of the war, the legendary French comedian Louis Poutine performed a USO show just like this one, and Tommy was chosen to be the opening act. Impressed with the young soldier’s talent and ambition, Louis took Tommy under his wing and provided him the necessary connections to launch his own career in show business. That career began in earnest when Tommy returned home from the war, and it was only now beginning to reach an exciting new stage. After an often fun, often trying, always interesting decade as a B-List celebrity, Tommy was poised to make the jump to becoming one of America’s favorite stars.
After a run of successful standup tours mixed in with big roles in small movies and small roles in big movies, Tommy signed a five film contract to play leading roles for a major studio. His current project, Hong Kong Harry was the third of those five films, and it reunited him with Louis Poutine, who was both the writer and director.
If done right, Hong Kong Harry had the potential to become the type of blockbuster that made people believe in the magic of the movies. Set in the mid-19th Century, it was an epic musical comedy centering on the unlikely shenanigans of Captain Harry Rogers, an American merchant sailor who drifts off course to South China and commits a series of hilarious blunders and miscommunications that ultimately result in his becoming a widely feared pirate king. It was a project that both Louis and Tommy were particularly proud of, and they could not wait to see the finished product.
It was that film that had brought Tommy to Hawaii, the second stop in the three stages of filming. First, most of the interior scenes, including those set inside of ships or in the obligatory pirate tavern, were shot on Hollywood sound stages. Next, the cast and crew journeyed to Hawaii to shoot the beach and open ocean scenes. A few hours before the USO show, they had just wrapped a big budget sea battle, complete with replica wooden ships, cannons, and gunpowder. Next, they would be traveling to Hong Kong to shoot the remaining scenes on location, but Tommy had insisted that the cast put on a show for the troops before they leave.
Overall, it was a very enjoyable trip for Tommy, even if his fiancée back in Los Angeles was seething with jealously that she couldn’t come along. He had also hoped to catch up with Frank Maldini, an old neighborhood friend who was serving on a Navy submarine, only to find out that said submarine
was away on deployment. With Hawaii in the books, he was ready for Hong Kong. A very long flight awaited him in the morning, but first he was heading to the backstage trailer, where two of his fellow actors were waiting for him.
“Look at you, Tommy. Headlining USO shows, getting leading roles, plundering merchant ships for treasure, you’re a real big shot now,” said Tony Vespa.
Tony was a smooth-voiced crooner with slicked back hair, olive skin, and a charming smile who originally hailed from Brooklyn. He began his musical career around the same time Tommy was making his first real forays into stand-up, and they became very close as they chased gig after gig in less-than-reputable clubs up and down the East coast. While they came from different mediums, their skills crossed over in the acting world, where Tony often played the competent straight man to Tommy’s crazy antics. This was to be their sixth film collaboration, but the first one that wasn’t a semi-obscure B-movie.
“We started in Single A, but we’re in the Big Leagues now,” Tommy said. “But what I really need now is a drink.”
“The crew just brought some kegs down to the hotel,” Lars Svensson informed them. A Soviet defector whose given name was Boris; Lars had adopted a Swedish stage name to avoid the usual suspicions. He had first met Tommy three years prior in Paris through a uniquely memorable series of events, and his quirky and eccentric persona made him an ideal addition to ensemble comedy casts, as well as the perfect opening act for Tommy’s stand-up tours.
“Alright then, as soon as Donna gets back, we’ll go find the party,” said Tony.
“In Soviet Russia, the party finds you,” added Lars.
“That was good, write that down,” Tommy said with a laugh. Comedians were always looking for new material, and it was a secret of the trade to always carry a pad of paper with you to write things down as they come up. He opened up the square mini-fridge in the corner of the room and produced three bottles. “And this is the end of my stash: Yuengling lager, the nectar of the gods. It will be a long time before we can get any more of this.”
