The Clown Prince of Kowloon

by James Dudley

  “Yes, you will. Her Majesty’s government is willing to make certain funds available for the project. You will have ample incentives to offer that can be discussed in further detail. But first, are you in?”

  Tommy threw his hands up. “I feel like I don’t really have a choice in the matter, do I?”

  Millie flashed him a devious grin. “You are an American citizen who owes no obligation to the British government, so of course you can say no if you wish. But would you really want to let your friends down like that?”

  Tommy sighed, accepting his fate. “Alright, tell me more.”

  Richard reached across the table and slapped Tommy’s back. “Good on you, man. Now let’s get to work.”

  Chapter 13

  It was a familiar routine by now for Tommy; following vaguely worded instructions written by an intelligence agency as he wandered through unfamiliar sections of Hong Kong in search of the latest businessperson of questionable character to make his pitch to. Only this time, the pitch had changed ever-so-slightly, the intelligence agency behind it hailed from a different side of the Atlantic, and the businessperson in question seemed to be in a league of her own. According to Richard and Millie’s briefing, Madame Kwan was known to cast a formidable figure over any negotiation. In particular her sharp tongue and cutting insults had been known to reduce even the proudest man to his knees. From his professional perspective as a comedian, Tommy was actually looking forward to hearing what she could do.

  This time around, Tommy took a trolley ride to his destination, stopping along the way to order a new suit from one of Hong Kong’s many skilled and affordable bespoke tailors, and to try out some wonton dumplings for lunch. When he finally arrived at Madame Kwan’s club, it appeared very similar to the all the other clandestine hideaways he had been visiting, except it seemed to be even more hidden and even less accessible. He walked through the storefront of a seemingly innocuous men’s clothing store and approached the man at the counter.

  “I’m here to a see a friend,” Tommy said as he slipped the man an envelope full of cash.

  “Right this way, sir,” the man said as he led Tommy back through a storeroom and into a closet that opened up into a hidden stairwell. The bottom of the stairs opened up into a full-sized club, complete with a bar, performing stage, dance floor, many round tables, and a cordoned-off VIP section in the back. As it was the middle of the day, it was mostly empty inside, save for the middle-aged woman who quickly approached him, a determination in her stride.

  “Who the hell are you? You look like some kind of schmuck who would come in here to sell cleaning supplies. Whatever you’re selling, I’m probably not interested, but I’ll let you pitch it anyway because I’m bored and I’d like to watch you embarrass yourself. It would greatly amuse me.”

  Tommy had to suppress a laugh. “I am honored to meet you as well, Madame Kwan. And no, I am not a salesman. My name is Tommy Malloy and…”

  “Ha!” she interrupted. “You are Tommy Malloy, the big movie star? This is not how I would picture a Hollywood star. You have the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk.”

  Tommy took a deep breath and focused on his pitch. “Madame Kwan, I am here to present you with a unique opportunity.”

  Madame Kwan rolled her eyes. “It’s always the same with you Englishmen, pitching some foolish new business proposal as if it’s something groundbreaking and new.”

  “Why does everybody here assume I’m English? I’m American dammit! The land of opportunities, like the one I’m offering you now!”

  “So then your family came from England, same difference.”

  “No, actually my family came from Ireland, and there is quite a considerable difference.”

  “Ha! That is even worse. Irish are poor man’s version of English. It’s like wanting to meet Laurence Olivier but getting Tommy Malloy instead.”

  “Wait, how did you pronounce my name again?”

  Madame Kwan made an obscene gesture, which Tommy could only laugh at. Despite the barrage of insults, he was beginning to like her. In many ways, she reminded him of some of the Italian mothers in his hometown South Philadelphia neighborhood. “What I have come to offer you is the biggest entertainment act this club has ever seen.”

  “You want to put on a comedy show? I could literally walk right down the street and find a trained monkey that would be just as funny for a fraction of the price.”

  “What do you usually have for entertainment here? Local lounge singers, I’m guessing? They probably cover the big hits, and have dreams of someday making in America? Well, I can get you a performance by some of the original singers of those hits who have already made it in America. Tony Vespa and Donna Chang are both here in Hong Kong, and they are willing to perform here tonight.”

  Madame Kwan eyed Tommy sideways, her face beginning to crack into a smile. “That is a fine offer indeed. Now, I am sure that you have ulterior motivations for wanting to come to the club tonight, and that is none of my concern. But I have to wonder what exactly you are hoping to achieve here in Hong Kong. There are no secrets here; it is well known that you have approached a wide range of people hoping to sell bootleg films.”

  Tommy was taken off-guard by how much she knew. Hong Kong was a complex game, and he was only just beginning to learn who the pieces were.

  “A famous and wealthy American movie star, wandering by himself to the seediest areas of an unfamiliar city, and attempting to make rather insignificant business transactions with very dangerous men for a few extra dollars? I don’t know if you or somebody else came up with it, but what a stupid idea! By any reasonable standard, you should have been kidnapped for a ransom a long time ago, or perhaps even murdered. And yet here you stand. This is the reason why I am willing to work with you. You have incredible joss.”

  Tommy looked down at the floor as he took note of everything she said. Come to think of it, the whole thing had been a pretty stupid idea. “What’s joss?”

  “Basically it means luck. And you, Tommy Malloy, are the luckiest bastard I’ve ever met.”

  *****

  Madame Kwan’s club was just as difficult to find the second time. The advantages of a familiar journey were negated by the fact that it was now dark outside. When Tommy and his companions arrived on the scene, the clothing store still had its lights on, long after one would expect such a store to be open, and a staggered but steady stream of people were walking inside, only to disappear in the back.

  “What exactly is this place?” Donna Chang asked when they were escorted down the stairwell. “It looks like something out of Prohibition.”

  “You’re right, it does. Tommy, why did you tell us to come here again?” Tony asked.

  Tommy pulled an envelope containing a rather large check out of his suit coat pocket and showed it to Tony. “Because this is how much they’re paying you to perform here.”

  “That’s good enough for me. Say, doesn’t this remind you of the old days? Playing in those mob-run clubs in New York?”

  “Yes, it kind of does,” said Tommy, who was unwilling to acknowledge just how accurate that comparison was.

  Inside, the club looked completely different to what it had looked like earlier in the day now that it was full of life. The lights were dimmed, the stage was set, the tables were full, and the drinks were flowing. Tony and Donna walked behind the stage to prepare for their performance, while Tommy staked out a seat a small table close in front of the stage. He was wearing an off-white tropical suit that the local tailor had made for him, along with a red silk tie and matching pocket square, and he did his best to portray himself as an important man on important business.

  As Tony and Donna took the stage, Tommy looked around to take everything in. Madame Kwan was making the rounds of the room, and gave him a subtle nod when she caught his eye. Towards the back of the room, a man in a very expensive suit walked into the private area surrounded by a small entourage, and Tommy assumed that this
had to be Walter Wong. Tommy kept an eye on the area, waiting for Wong and his associates to get settled before he made his approach.

  Up on the stage, the band began to play, and Tony and Donna opened up with a duet of the geographically appropriate pop standard “Slow Boat to China.” As Tommy looked closer, he noticed that Millie was playing the clarinet in the band and Richard was working as a member of the crew, both using their cover identities to get into the club and provide emergency support if Tommy needed it. His thoughts drifted to Natalie, picturing how if his fiancée were here, she would be perfectly at ease playing the piano accompaniment as she coolly scanned the room for threats. She enjoyed her current career as a concert pianist much more than her original career as a KGB officer, but she was equally adept at both. He also knew the utter futility of trying to keep secrets from her, and that she was not going to be thrilled when she found out what he had been up to in Hong Kong.

  Tony and Donna continued with their set, performing collections from the Hong Kong Harry soundtrack as well as their respective recording catalogues. Most of the crowd seemed to settle in and enjoy the show, with many going up to the dance floor and others remaining in their seats. Steeling his nerves, Tommy gathered up his briefcase and made a beeline for the VIP section. When he reached it, he was stopped by a large man who patted him down to ensure he was unarmed before allowing him to pass through the curtains. On the other side, Walter Wong was sitting at a round table with several associates around him. They were engaged in conversation, but when Tommy appeared, they suddenly stopped and all stared up at him.

  “How’s everybody doing?” Tommy asked, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. “How about this music? And this food is great too. Did any of you try the duck?”

  Finally, Walter Wong spoke up. “Good evening, Mr. Malloy. Please have a seat. I thank you for providing this excellent entertainment, although I suspect that from your perspective, it was merely a pretext so that you may gain an audience with me. So please, let me hear whatever it was that you or your backers were hoping to present.”

  Tommy took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts. Richard and Millie had given him very specific instructions about how much he could offer and when, but there was always a little room for improvisation. “Mr. Wong, it has come to my attention that many of your associates have entered into exclusive arrangements with Chinese intelligence and that you will likely be offered the same arrangement. Now, surely you can imagine why being restricted in this manner would not serve your best interests.”

  Walter leaned back in his seat and smiled. “Ha! Who put you up to this? The CIA? MI6? Anyway, that’s not important right now. Please, tell me what you can offer. Why is it in my best interests to work with you?”

  “I can offer you a wide range of unique products. First, exclusive film reels of any Hollywood hit. Second, I can procure some of the latest in American technological goods. How would you like to be able to sell color televisions?”

  Walter nodded. “Go on. What else?”

  “I also have connections with some of the world’s finest forgers. Anything you want to forge, they can do it. You name it: currency, art work, jewelry, maybe even Faberge eggs.”

  “Now that is an enticing offer. Please, tell me more so that we may discuss the details of how such an arrangement would come about,” Walter said.

  Before Tommy could respond, the curtains parted, and the same two men that he had seen at Chao Hung’s place walked through.

  “I suspected you would come,” said Walter. “Mr. Malloy, this is Peng Zhou and Erich Schumacher.”

  Tommy exchanged glances with the men, who seemed very surprised to see him there.

  “I hope I am not interrupting anything,” Peng said.

  “But I see that you were going to interrupt me anyway, so go ahead and proceed,” said Walter.

  Wasting no time, Peng unrolled an organizational chart that was very similar to the one in Millie’s office, but much more of it was filled in. “Everybody on this chart has agreed to our exclusive arrangement. As you can see, it is effectively the rest of the pyramid beneath you. I don’t know what Mr. Malloy here offered you, but whatever it is, you would have nobody to carry it out for you. If you wish to remain in the loop, if you wish to maintain any influence at all, then you have no choice but to accept our most generous offer.”

  Walter took his time deliberating, and then finally spoke up. “Yes, it would appear at this time that you are correct.” He turned to face Tommy. “Mr. Malloy, I thank you for your enticing offer, but I believe it is best that you departed Hong Kong immediately.”

  “You don’t have to tell me that twice,” Tommy said as he packed up his briefcase and stood to leave.

  Chapter 14

  Tommy burst through the curtains just as Tony and Donna were finishing up their set. Without making eye contact with anybody, he switched his pocket square from the right to the left chest pocket, a prearranged signal to Richard that it was time for an extraction. Moments after Tommy returned to his seat, Richard sprang forth and whisked him away from the table. In a quick flurry of motion, they cut their way through the crowd, to the back of the room, and into the kitchen. Behind them, Millie was escorting Tony and Donna off the stage and leading them out the front entrance. The rest of crowd seemed to be carrying on, seeing nothing out of the ordinary for the type of place it was.

  At the far end of the kitchen, Richard and Tommy exited through the service entrance, which, after a short climb, led back up the street on the opposite side of the block from the entrance. They walked about a block, then dipped into a warehouse that seemed to be abandoned. Richard reached into his bag and tossed Tommy a pair of dark coveralls, which he slipped on over his suit. They waited in silence for a few minutes, until a utility van arrived, driven by a local MI6 asset. They climbed into the back of the van, and just like that, they were gone from the scene.

  “So, I take it things did not go well?” Richard asked once they got moving.

  “You could say that,” said Tommy, who proceeded to recount what had transpired.

  Richard shook his head. “So you’re telling me that the communists now control the entire Hong Kong underworld? This is bad, very bad. I don’t know what they’re planning to do with it, but none of the possible outcomes are good.”

  “So what do we do now?” asked Tommy.

  “Well, I’m sure you realize that after what you witnessed and learned, you now know too much for them to leave you alive. So, first priority is getting you out of Hong Kong quickly.”

  Tommy threw his hands up at his predicament. “Oh boy, this is like Paris all over again.”

  “Yes, trouble does have a way of finding you,” Richard said. “Now, I understand your crew is flying back tomorrow, but you cannot go with them, it would be too obvious and the approaches to the airport will surely be watched, so we need to come up with an alternate form of transportation.”

  “I was planning to meet up with Han tomorrow and see him off before he goes on the smuggling run with the films.”

  “That’s it! Cancel the film run; Han’s new smuggling run will be getting you out of the colony.” He reached into his bag and fished out a thick wad of bills. “Just give him this for the effort, should be more than enough.”

  Tommy took the money and stuffed it into his pocket. “And what about you? Do you have any leads or anything?”

  “Millie has a source in the triads who’s going to be purchasing some of the stolen weapons you helped find. It’s not much to go on, but we’re going to see who he buys it from and try to follow the money. Maybe it could give us some insight into how big their operation is and how they do things.”

  “So it’s going to be you and Millie working together? That’s convenient.”

  “What exactly do you mean by that?” Richard asked.

  “I think you know exactly what I meant,” Tommy said. “The screenplay basically writes itself- male lead: suave British war hero turned superspy who h
appens to be single; female lead: elegant English rose who is also a spy and also single. Thrown together to solve a sinister plot, can they save the world? And will they acknowledge their feelings for one another? If my agent pitched me a role in that film, I might turn it down because it’s just too clichéd.”

  Richard rolled his eyes. “Or what about the alternate plot where two professionals simply do their duty for Queen and country?”

  “That plot’s a lot less interesting. You’d lose most of the crowd and have a box office flop on your hands.”

  “What would I do without your antics?” Richard asked rhetorically as the van drove on, getting lost in the flow of traffic that was still thick at the late hour.

  *****

  General Sheng took his seat at the head of the conference table as General Kharlamov sat down to his right. The rest of the table was empty, and a dull blue light filled the room, illuminating the slow-moving silhouettes of Sheng’s marine life collection. The presence of the sharks seemed to loom over them as they conducted their discussion.

  “Bingwen failed. This funnyman they call Malloy is still out there, and Bingwen has not reported in. We can safely assume he is dead,” Sheng stated.

  “Malloy managed to elude some of my best people back in Paris. It seems he has good ‘joss,’ as you say. But that will surely run out in time,” Kharlamov said.

  “He is but a minor distraction, but still, it would be wise to be free of such distractions as our plan proceeds. Perhaps we need to send better people after him? Shall I give the assignment to Peng?”

  “What if you had the triads do it? It gives you plausible deniability, and it also gives you a chance to assess both their competence and their newfound loyalty.”

  Sheng rubbed his chin as he considered the suggestion. “Yes, I do believe that would be our wisest course of action.”

  Kharlamov looked down the length of the room and then glanced towards the door. “Are we ready now?”

  Sheng nodded, “Yes, send them in.”