Lost To Me

by Jamie Blair

  “Guys?”

  Out in the hall, I closed his door behind me. Tabby saw my face and reached for me. I let her take me in her arms and hold me tight. It was selfish and stupid, but I needed something familiar right then. I needed someone to lean on. “It’s bad, isn’t it?” she whispered.

  I shook my head. “Nah, it’s all fine,” I lied. “Kyle’s sleeping—said he was tired.”

  She didn’t buy it but didn’t press the issue either. “Okay.” Her fingers stroked my hair.

  My insides were hard and cold. Cement. A smile cracked my lips. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”

  She held on even tighter. “I’m not going anywhere. You need me.”

  I closed my eyes and nodded. I couldn’t take Tabby’s breakdown on top of Kyle’s.

  She started talking about the concert on Friday, but my mind was still back in Kyle’s room wondering how to fix him. Her voice buzzed and popped like white noise. Static.

  All of the energy was zapped from my body. I gave it all away. My mind reeled with the image of Kyle’s wet eyes. I had to get it out. I had to feel again, had to end the numbness.

  I had to be with Lauren.

  LAUREN

  Just before dinner, Amy showed up with the baby, but not Dave. Her eyes were puffy and red. I took her suitcase while she juggled Oriann, a stroller and a diaper bag.

  Mom plucked the baby from her arms. “Where’s Dave, honey?”

  Amy turned her head, glancing out the patio doors, and wrapped her arms around herself. “He’s not coming.”

  Dad patted Oriann’s head and gave Amy a hug. “Hungry? I’m grilling shrimp skewers.” Food was Dad’s solution to all of life’s problems.

  “What happened?” Mom asked.

  Amy took a deep breath and let the words rush out. “He told me last night that he met someone else. He wants a divorce.” She shrugged, like it didn’t matter, but her eyes glistened like she might cry.

  Dad heaved a heavy sigh and leaned against the kitchen counter.

  Mom made a pained sound in her throat and hugged Amy, squishing Oriann between them. “I’m so sorry, honey.” She stroked Amy’s hair back from her forehead like she was a little girl. “We love you, you know. We’ll always be here for you.”

  “I know,” Amy whispered. Her eyes darted back to the doors, looking for an escape.

  “Come on,” I said, grabbing her arm. “I’ll help you unpack while Mom gets some grandma time in.”

  Upstairs in Amy’s room, I opened her suitcase on the bed. She sat beside it and laid back, sighing and covering her eyes with her forearm. Her dyed black hair was growing out. An inch of light brown roots were visible along her part. Her nails were broken, the polish chipped. It was so unlike Amy to not be put together. She was always hyper-conscious of her appearance.

  “Do you know her?” I asked, making a pile of t-shirts on the bed to put away in the dresser.

  “Yes. She works behind the bar at Sylvester’s, that place a block over from our house.” Tears overflowed in her eyes, and she wiped them away. “He said he wasn’t ready to be a dad. He said he couldn’t take that much responsibility.”

  “What?” I pushed the suitcase out of the way and sat beside her, putting my arms around her. She buried her face into my shoulder and cried. “I don’t understand. It’s not like you guys didn’t plan on Oriann.” They’d tried to get pregnant for a year before Amy finally did.

  “It’s just an excuse. He wants to be free to see her. To move in with her.”

  “God, Ames, I’m so sorry. What an asshole.” I felt like hunting Dave down and telling him what a loser he was, that Amy was lucky to be rid of him. Mom had been right about him all along. He was a pretty-boy-player who couldn’t stay out of the bars. God, I hoped she wouldn’t give Amy the I told you so speech.

  “I don’t care about me.” She sat up and swiped at her eyes. “He hasn’t even called to ask about Oriann. I doubt he’ll want to spend any time with her.” She shook with sobs. “She’s going to grow up without her dad.”

  How could Dave do this? He’d never been my favorite person, but he had a great job selling medical equipment and they bought their first house right before Oriann was born eight months ago. Last I knew, he’d been remodeling their bathroom. Now he was shacked up with a bartender.

  Amy’s pain was so raw, it was practically visible. I could almost see it emanating from her, pulsing red and hot, waiting to be turned into rage.

  Oriann began crying downstairs while Amy’s silent tears dripped down her face.

  I woke at one A.M. to my vibrating phone clattering loudly on top of my nightstand. I jolted up and grabbed it, my eyes darting to the screen. Three new text messages. I scrolled through and realized Kolton had been trying to reach me for the past hour. The first message said he missed me and asked what I was doing. The second said he was sure I was probably sleeping, and the third said, he didn’t want to call because it was so late and he didn’t want to wake my mom or dad. The last message had been sent at midnight.

  I sent him a text back, telling him I’d been asleep and had just gotten his messages. Then I crossed my fingers, hoping he was still awake and would answer. Several minutes later, my phone vibrated again, and I read his text.

  Have to talk to you. Come out on your balcony.

  I jumped up and ran out the French doors. The wood deck under my feet was still wet from the day’s storm, and cold with the night air.

  “Hey,” he said in a low voice from down below.

  “What are you doing down there? I can’t see you.”

  “Can you come down?”

  “I’ll be right there.”

  Mom, Dad and Amy were all in bed when I dashed through the house, out the back patio door, and across the sand to where I’d heard his voice under the balcony. He stood there with his arms out, waiting to hold me.

  They wrapped around me, and he nuzzled his nose in my hair. “God, I’m glad I got to see you. This has been the worst night.” Then, he kissed my cheek and my neck and ran his hands over my back. “Your nightgown’s so soft, and you’re still warm from sleep.” His embrace tightened. “It’s like I woke up from a nightmare and here you are beside me.”

  I took his face in my hands and saw the worry lines on his forehead. “What happened?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. Just let me hold you.” He pulled me down onto the sand into his lap. “God, it’s like you ground me or something. Nothing else is really mine, just you. You are mine, aren’t you?” he whispered, his hands running along the sides of my neck.

  “I’m yours,” I whispered back.

  It was the need that got me. He needed me, and I loved it. My need for him was enflamed by his need for me. It bonded us.

  I leaned my head against his and massaged my fingers through the back of his hair. We just sat there for the longest time, breathing each other in.

  Then, he stood and pulled me up with him. The tide was high. Our footprints pressed into the sand, then filled with water as the waves rushed up and chilled our toes. My hand fit inside his grip, and he caressed my thumb with his own, back and forth. I thought about that afternoon when he’d done the same with his toes on my foot, like it wasn’t a conscious movement.

  Neither of us talked. Kolton seemed tired, and I didn’t know what to say to comfort him. Just being there seemed to be what he needed.

  Soon, we arrived at our dune and clamored up its side to our hiding spot. He pulled me onto his lap facing him, straddling him in my nightgown. His hands wrapped around the back of my thighs. My pulse quickened, sitting like that, but I didn’t move away.

  “I don’t know what to do,” he said, leaning his head against mine again and closing his eyes.

  “Tell me.” I wanted him to keep talking about it.

  He took a deep breath. “Between my mom’s financial problems and Kyle...” Kolton put his face in his hands and shook his head.

  I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the to
p of his head. “It’ll be okay.”

  “No, it won’t. I don’t know what happened to him, Lauren. He’s my best friend, always has been. We’re only fifteen months apart. It was like, one day he just wasn’t Kyle anymore, like he was possessed or something. He’s paranoid—crazy. I just…” He shook his head again. “I don’t know if he’ll ever be okay.”

  I wasn’t sure what to say. “I’m so sorry. It’ll work out. He’s your brother.”

  “No,” he mumbled through his hands. “It won’t.” He looked up, eyes shining, focused out over the ocean. “It’s a freaking mess. My dad left a couple months ago. Six months ago. Now my mom can’t pay the bills. She has to sell the house or the bank’s going to take it anyway. I try to make enough money to help her pay everything, but Kyle just sits on his ass and refuses because he thinks he’s getting back at her.”

  “Getting back at her for what?” I traced his collarbone with my fingertip.

  “He blames her for my dad leaving, but she should’ve kicked him out a long time ago. He…he had problems. Drinking. Hitting her.”

  “He hit her?”

  “Few times. Not like every day.”

  “Is that why you didn’t come to the beach anymore when we were little? Did something happen to her?” I reached up and touched his chin, hoping he would look at me, but he kept staring straight up at the sky.

  “I don’t know. I was pretty little. She probably didn’t want to wear a bathing suit all bruised up.”

  He linked his hands with mine and smiled. “I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you. Thanks for being here.”

  “It’s where I’ve wanted to be all night. My sister and my niece got here this afternoon. A crying baby in the house gets loud.”

  He laughed. “I bet.”

  He took my face in his hands. His palms were warm on my cheeks, and his eyes were like steel, intense and unwavering as he stared into mine. “I’ll never hurt you like that. Like my dad hurt my mom.” His lips brushed mine. “I promise,” he whispered against them. His hands slid around into my hair, pulling me deeper into our kiss.

  I wanted to tell him about Amy, about how Dave cheated on her. I wanted to ask him if he’d promise not to hurt me like that, too. I didn’t want that raw, palpable pain.

  His lips trailed down onto my neck. I watched the stars blink, as my skin grew hot under his mouth. I couldn’t get enough of this, of him. His hands pressed hard against my shoulder blades, guiding me into him.

  “Your heart’s pounding,” he said against my skin. “I love that.”

  I laughed nervously. “Me too.”

  Then he stopped and hugged me. “I’m going to want things you’re not ready to do.” He kissed my cheek, and my forehead. “I’ll try to behave.”

  “Give me at least a week.” I smiled.

  “You make me crazy. Sorry.” He let out a deep breath. “Remember when we played I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?”

  Oh, I remembered. “In the utility room under the cottage.” It had been a lifetime ago. Our kid-like curiosity got the best of us, and we’d made a pact to see what parts the other one had. Now, I wondered how many other girls’ parts he’d seen in the years since then. “Have you… I mean…how many?”

  He groaned. “Why? Does it matter to you?”

  I shrugged.

  “Probably not as many as you think.”

  I narrowed my eyes.

  “Two.”

  “Really?”

  “I swear.” He bounced me with his knees. “You?”

  I smirked. “What do you think?”

  He smiled. “Just checking.” He watched his hands run up my arms. “How close? What have you done?”

  “None of your business.”

  He cocked his head sideways. “Tell me.”

  “Close enough.” In truth, nothing.

  He tickled my sides, and I squirmed and laughed. “Ugh, I should get you back,” he said. “If your mom and dad wake up, they’ll think we ran away together. I’d like to, but we’ll do that after graduation.”

  Kolton stood and pulled me to my feet. Then we raced down the dune. Like that first night, he gave me a piggyback ride down the beach. After a few minutes he took off running toward the water.

  “No!” I yelled and laughed.

  “You’re getting wet!” In the surf, he turned me toward the wave. It crashed on my back as he ran out of the water. Both of us were laughing when he set me down and I tackled him.

  It took a few tries, but I got him on the ground and pinned him there while I scooped big heaps of sand and piled it on top of him.

  “I can get you to stop,” he said, his voice soft and amused.

  “No you can’t.” Dripping wet, I plopped two more handfuls of sand on top of him.

  “Your nightgown’s see through.” His eyes fell to my chest to make his point.

  I took my sandy hands and wiped them on the front of my nightgown. “Your plan backfired.”

  He laughed and relaxed as I covered him with sand in the surf and moonlight. “I like you like this,” I said. “You can’t get away from me.”

  He took my hands and put them on the sides of his face. I bent down and kissed him.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

  “But, I am.”

  “Then I’ll follow.”

  We lingered on the patio, kissing goodnight. I tried to get him to sneak upstairs with me, but he reminded me he was trying to behave himself.

  Inside, I dripped up the stairs and was certain I got sand all over. I set my alarm to go off early, so I could sweep up before anyone saw the mess. After changing, I tossed my nightgown over the balcony railing to dry out.

  I wondered if he was still there, sitting under my balcony in the sand. “Kolton?” I whispered, feeling foolish. There was no answer.

  That night, it was almost impossible to get to sleep. I ached for him, in places that I knew he would like me to be aching in, while thinking of him. I swore, the next time he tried to touch me, I’d let him.

  When I came downstairs for the second time the next morning—the first time was to clean up the sandy evidence of my sneaking out—Kolton sat at the kitchen table talking to my dad about sports.

  “Hi,” I said, sounding breathless and surprised.

  “Hey.” He stood up. “I wanted to know if you’d like to go to the aquarium today. Have you ever touched a stingray?”

  “Yeah, like she’d touch a stingray,” Dad said, laughing behind the sports page.

  “I would.” I made a face behind his paper, and Kolton laughed. “Yeah, I’d like to go.”

  “They have an IMAX there if you want to catch a movie.”

  At least my dad would hear our plans and not ground me for being gone a long time. “A movie sounds great too.” I grabbed my purse off of the barstool. “Dad, I’ll be gone all day. Tell Mom not to freak. Kolton won’t kidnap me.”

  My dad lowered his paper and looked from Kolton to me. “Are you sure? The kid’s here at the crack of dawn.” Then he laughed. “Have fun. Take your time. It’s vacation, right? I’ll keep the wolves at bay, don’t worry.”

  I wondered about his word choice and his expression—the way he glanced toward the stairs and lifted his eyes to the ceiling, inhaling like he needed patience. I wondered if he and Mom had been arguing or something. “Thanks, Dad.” I kissed his cheek.

  “Have fun, Baby.”

  When we got down to the driveway to Kolton’s car, he laughed as he opened the car door for me. “Watch your head.”

  “Shut up.” I grinned and punched him in the leg.

  He laughed and shut the door.

  The aquarium had two buildings with a nature trail between. The smaller building featured marsh animals and the larger housed the sea animals and an IMAX theatre.

  We started with the marsh animals and I fell in love with the otters. There was stadium seating inside the viewing area. Kolton sat behind me and rubbed my shoulders.

  �
�Don’t you ever work?” I asked, teasing.

  “My mom just got me a second job actually.”

  I turned around and stared at him, astonished. “She did? How will you go to school and work two jobs?”

  “I don’t want to think about it. This week I have things I want to do with you, places I want to take you before you leave. That’s all I want to think about.”