Lost To Me

by Jamie Blair

  Now she was back.

  Why did it have to be a trade off? Was it some kind of balance in the universe or what? I couldn’t have her and my friends at the same time?

  “We’re playing ball at my house after school. Kyle’s in. You coming?” Matt swiped a piece of pepperoni off my pizza and tossed it in his mouth.

  I didn’t have to be at work until four. If I lied, Tabby would know. She scheduled the workers for her dad. “Yeah. I’ll be there.” I just hoped Amber and Tabby wouldn’t show up.

  Kyle went up for a shot and threw an elbow right into my ribcage, knocking the wind out of me. I walked off Matt’s driveway and sat in the grass holding my chest.

  Matt grabbed the ball. “Time.” He rolled the ball over beside me. “You okay, man?”

  “Sorry, bro.” Kyle plopped down beside me. “Accident.”

  “I’m okay.” I tried to take a deep breath. “Just need a minute.”

  Rob grabbed the ball and practiced his free throws. “So. Friday night. You guys want to meet at my place for a pre-party?”

  His parents were never home, and even when they were, they didn’t care who was drinking downstairs.

  “Sounds like a plan.” Matt stole the ball from him, dribbled toward the basket and shot a layup.

  “You’ll come over before the concert, won’t you?” Kyle asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

  I winced at the thought. “I think I better just leave the partying to you guys.”

  “Come on.” Rob put a hand on his hip and spit on the driveway. “I’ll talk to Tabby and tell her to shut her mouth. You can’t ditch us and stop hanging out.”

  I lay back in the grass and pushed my hair off my sweaty forehead. The sky was getting dark in the west. It looked like a storm was going to hit. Maybe I wouldn’t have to mow today after all. But I’d still go into the office, because I knew what I had to do. “I’ll talk to her. Again. It’s my problem to work out.”

  Kyle shot me a threatening look of barely restrained anger. “Don’t make her cry.”

  I propped up on my elbows, fighting the urge to shift away from him. “I won’t.”

  “I mean it, Kole. Don’t.”

  “It’s all good. Don’t worry.” I hopped up and jogged back onto the driveway. “Let’s play.” I still couldn’t catch my breath, but something had to distract Kyle from thoughts of punching me in the face.

  It was storming by four o’clock.

  I figured it was a sign.

  Tabby sat inside the office door at the receptionist’s desk answering questions for some lady wanting to rent one of the Tulane apartments. I grabbed a paper cup, filled it with water and leaned against the counter in the kitchenette area to wait.

  Her eyes kept darting over to me, and I couldn’t help but notice the fear and faint shine of hope in them. She wasn’t sure what to expect.

  I wasn’t sure either.

  I just wanted this to go well, but rarely did conversations like the one we were about to have go well.

  The lady got up, thanked Tabby and left with her apartment application. “Hey,” Tabby said. “You don’t have to work today.” She gestured out the window. “It’s raining.”

  “I know. I need to talk to you.”

  For a second, I thought her heart might have stopped beating. She looked like she was about to fall out of her chair. “Talk about what?”

  “Friday. And hanging out with everybody.” I sat down in the vacated chair in front of her desk.

  “You want to go Friday?” She leaned forward. Her hands inched across the desk toward me.

  I leaned back in my chair. “I don’t want you to be pissed at me, and I don’t want to have to avoid hanging out with Matt and Rob because you and I aren’t together anymore.”

  She blinked a few times. “So, you want to get back together.”

  I took a deep breath and pounded my fist on my knee. “No, Tabby. I’m with Lauren now. You know that. What I want is for things not to suck for everyone else because you and I aren’t together. I want to go to The Switchbacks and hang out at Rob’s first, but I don’t want you to try to get back with me all night and get pissed when I don’t. I don’t want to have to keep hurting you.”

  “So, you want everything your way and nothing mine. Sorry. Not going to happen.” Tabby swiveled in her chair, picked up a file folder and turned back to me. “You know what I don’t get?” She tossed the file folder and tore her fingers through her hair. “Why you don’t want me.” Her hands smacked down flat on her desk. “I know everything about you. About Kyle. About your mom and dad. Your best friends are my best friends.” She waved her arms around frantically. “I live where you live. We go to the same school and hang out at the same places. You work for my dad!”

  She slumped back in her chair, making it rock a little. Her head fell back and she stared up at the ceiling as tears trickled down her face. “I love you. Why can’t you see I’m the one you should be with?”

  I hurt inside. I didn’t want to be with her. I didn’t love her anymore, but it hurt to do this to her. “We’ve tried, Tab. A million times. It doesn’t work with us.”

  She shot forward and grabbed the arm rests on her chair like she was strangling them. “It does work. When your mom needed help, she called me, Kolton. Not Lauren. My dad gave you a job, Kolton. Not Lauren’s. I don’t just know your life, Kolton. I am your life. And you’re mine.”

  Shit. This was bad.

  “I care about Kyle like he’s my own brother! And he thinks of me as a sister. We’re like family, Kolton! You can’t just walk away now.”

  There was no reasoning with her, so I stood. “Tabby, I’m sorry. We’re over. I hope we can be friends so things aren’t awkward between everyone.”

  She shot out of her chair and leaned over her desk with a crazed look on her face. “This is so not over, Kolton. It’ll never be over.”

  All I could do was turn around and leave. Friday night was out of the question.

  LAUREN

  All day long I’d passed the red, black and silver posters lining the walls down every single hallway. Prom. The theme was Music of the Night, and it was in two weeks. I hadn’t given it much thought before spring break since nobody had asked me, but now…now I had Kolton. An image of him in a tux formed in my mind and made me light headed. I pulled my cell out of my bag hanging on a kitchen chair and sent him a text.

  Miss you. Prom’s in 2 weeks. Will you come?

  I waited, expecting an immediate response. Minutes went by without one. I opened my chemistry book to start my homework, but couldn’t concentrate on anything I read. I shoved my phone in my pocket and strolled to the fridge to grab a Diet Coke.

  “Find a photo for the contest yet?” Mom asked, sitting at the table sorting through bills.

  “No, Mom. I will.” She was driving me crazy about the contest. I popped my can open and started back toward my room.

  “Stop procrastinating and send one in, Lauren,” she called after me.

  I rolled my eyes and shut my door.

  My phone rang.

  I tugged it out of my pocket and saw Kolton’s number on the screen. “Hey!”

  “Hey, Ladybug. How are you?”

  He sounded down. “I’m good. I miss you though.”

  “I miss you, too. So, so much. I can’t even tell you.”

  “Well, maybe we can see each other…two weeks? For prom?” I clenched my teeth and held my breath.

  “I don’t know if I can make it. I don’t know if I can get any more days off.” He sighed. “I want to. You know I do, right?”

  “Yeah. I know. It’s just… it’s only a few hours to drive here. You don’t need an entire day off.” He had to come. He had to.

  “What time does it start?” He sounded annoyed.

  My shoulders sank. My whole body deflated. “Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to go.”

  “Lauren,” he sang my name, teasing to lighten the mood. “Tell me what time prom starts.”


  I hesitated. “Seven.”

  “If I get off at four, we would be late, but if you’re okay with that--”

  “Of course I’m okay with that!”

  “Like I’d say no to you, Ladybug.” I heard a kitten meow and knew he was in his bedroom with Tiny in his lap. Maybe he was lying on his bed all stretched out. I wanted to be there with him. “I can’t wait to see you in your dress. I can only imagine how beautiful you’ll be.”

  I took a deep breath, prepared to say what I’d been thinking about and planning all day, but so nervous to actually say it, that I thought I might pass out.

  “What? Were you going to say something?” he asked.

  I closed my eyes, and the words came out in a rush. “It’ll be a late night. You should probably just stay here.”

  A couple very long seconds passed before he said anything. “Uh, yeah. That’d probably be best. Think your parents would be okay with it?”

  “Well, I could tell them I’m staying with Kristin, and you and I could get a hotel room.” My voice sounded so young when I said it. Too young to be suggesting getting a hotel room with my boyfriend.

  “Are you telling me…what are you telling me?” Tiny meowed again, and I heard Kolton shift on his bed. “Do you want to play Monopoly?”

  “I think I’m ready to play Monopoly with you.” I put my hand over my eyes for some reason, like if I couldn’t see anything this conversation would be less embarrassing.

  “Lauren, there’s no hurry. You know that, right? I’m okay with it.”

  “I know. I want to be with you.”

  “I want to be with you too. But, you know that already.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll take care of everything. If you change your mind, that’s okay. You can back out, and I’ll still love you.”

  “I won’t change my mind.”

  There was a knock at my door. “Lauren?”

  “Hang on, Mom.”

  “Want to go to the mall with me?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be right out.” I heard her walk away. “I have to go. I’m going to the mall with my mom. Guess I should look for a dress.”

  “Yeah, guess you should.” He laughed. “Are you happy?”

  “Extremely.” I closed my eyes and imagined being with him. Alone. On prom night.

  “Want me to call you later?”

  “Unless I call you first.” I leaned against my desk.

  “I love you, Lauren.”

  “Love you, too.”

  “Have fun.”

  I hung up and stood perfectly still, not wanting to break the spell. Who knew being in love would be so simple? So perfect?

  Except I’d have to lie to Mom now about spending the night with Kristin.

  “Red’s your color though.” Mom argued with me about the ugliest dress I’d ever seen. Not because it was red, but because it had ruffles and bows and a sweetheart neckline. I couldn’t believe she’d expect me to even try it on, let alone wear it to prom.

  “Mom, it looks like a three-year-old’s dress. Plus, I don’t want to match the decorations.”

  “You’d prefer to clash with the decorations?” She slammed the dress back onto the rack.

  “Fine. A red dress would be great. Just not that one.”

  I ended up falling head over heels for a red, poufy, beaded dress that made me look like a princess. The netting underneath rustled as I twirled in front of the dressing room mirror.

  Mom held my hair up. “With some tendrils loose in front,” she tugged some hair from her hand pressed against the back of my head, “you’ll knock Kolton’s socks off.” She dropped my hair. “Go ahead and change. I need to call Dad and argue with him about how much I’m spending on a dress you’ll never wear again.”

  When I emerged from the dressing room, lugging the ten-ton dress, she was putting her credit card back into her wallet. I kissed her cheek. “Thanks Mom.”

  “You’re welcome, Baby.” She tilted her head. I knew that look. She wanted to talk to me about something. “Let’s grab dinner.”

  We sat in a booth eating chips and salsa, waiting for our food. My phone vibrated. I slid it open to find a text from Kolton.

  I won’t be the car. Cars go too fast. I’ll think thimble.

  “You’re blushing,” Mom said.

  I closed my phone and lowered it to my lap, telling myself to not look guilty. “It’s hot in here, don’t you think?”

  “Right. So, on prom night,” she brushed crumbs off of her hands, “is Kolton planning to drive all the way back home?”

  Here came the psychic phenomenon again. “I think so. I already told Kristin I’d stay over that night.”

  Her tongue ran across her teeth, and her eyes turned to steel. “Lauren, we’ve never talked about physical relationships between young men and women.”

  “You can stop.” I put my hand up. “I already know what you’re going to tell me. I know how babies are made and how people end up with STD’s and all of that. It’s cool. We don’t need to do this.”

  She grabbed my hand and held it. “I can’t stop you from growing up and doing things I might not want you to do. Just make sure you’re prepared for the consequences, and I’m not just talking pregnancy and STD’s. Sex takes a relationship to a whole new level, complicates everything. Don’t think things will be the same.”

  “Mom, I didn’t say we were going to…”

  “You don’t have to.” She patted the top of my hand. “I know you. I can tell how much he means to you.”

  “Ooookay…I have to go to the bathroom.” I darted to my escape in the ladies room. She was right. My face was beet red. I dabbed it with a cold, damp paper towel and applied some powder.

  When I got back to the table, our food had arrived. I sat down and stuck a fry in my mouth. Avoiding eye contact with Mom, I tapped the bottom of the ketchup bottle and watched it pool onto my plate.

  After we got home, I flipped through all of my digital pictures on my laptop. There had to be at least one contest-worthy shot. Three pictures in, I found it—the one that evoked emotion—more emotion than I’d ever felt. The picture I’d taken of Kolton in his car.

  I changed it to sepia, and added muted colors to his lips and the amusement rides visible out the car’s side window. His eyes were lustful, having just coming out of a lingering kiss. I’d caught my fingers in the shot, just on the edge of his cheek.

  I titled it: Late Night Amusement.

  After filling out the entry form, I emailed it with my submission photo to the contest coordinator. I was so nervous. My hand shook when I clicked the send button with my mouse.

  I called Kristin wanting to tell her about prom and my hotel plans, but she didn’t answer. She’d promised to call me after school today so we could talk, but she hadn’t. She was so wrapped up in her boyfriend Connor and her resume-building activities like National Honor Society, I was an afterthought, if that. She didn’t even have time to talk to me at school anymore.

  My p.j.’s were too hot, and my mind wouldn’t stop churning in circles. I rolled around for a while and finally got out of bed. In the pitch black of my room, I stubbed my toe on my desk. Tears sprang to my eyes, and I gritted my teeth. Clutching my phone, I crawled back in bed. Kolton answered on the first ring.

  “Hi,” I said and started sobbing.

  “Lauren, what’s wrong?” His panicked voice made me feel worse.

  “It’s okay. I’m just being dramatic.” I poured my heart out, telling him about stubbing my toe, my mom’s sex talk, and how I entered another contest I knew I wouldn’t win.

  “I’m sorry. I wish I were there to hold you. Want me to come get you, and we’ll run away together?”

  My giggle surprised me. “Where would you take me?”

  “Umm…let me think. How about a private bungalow in the South Pacific where nobody can find us?”

  “I’ll be packed by the time you get here.”

  My eyes closed. I let his voice spread through my b
ody, relaxing every muscle.

  KOLTON

  Heard about ur talk w/Tab.

  After reading Matt’s text, I glanced across the room to where he sat in our study hall together. He lifted his chin in greeting.

  Went well. I texted back. After staying up late talking to Lauren, the last thing I was in the mood for was an interrogation about Tabby. I should’ve stayed home and slept. I had to work both jobs after school.