Lost To Me

by Jamie Blair

  Sounds like it.

  I didn’t send anything back. He knew what went down. What did he want from me?

  Lauren coming to prom? I was sure Amber put him up to asking. It was their last ditch effort, just like I’d figured it would be.

  No.

  Who are you taking then?

  Not going.

  That was the end of it. He must’ve got all the info he needed.

  When the period ended, Rob cornered me at my locker again. It was starting to be his thing. “You going to prom?”

  “You too, huh?” I jammed my English book onto the top shelf. “Nah. I’m going to Lauren’s—skipping this one.”

  He slammed my locker shut, almost catching my hand in it. “You can’t miss prom. This is it. Senior year. I’m having a total blowout after party.”

  I spun around and leaned against my locker. “I don’t think Lauren would be comfortable going to our prom.”

  He screwed up his face. “Look, whatever. Go with someone else. Don’t tell Lauren if she’ll get mad. You have to be there.”

  I looked over his head and took a deep breath, so tired of everyone thinking Lauren was just some girl I had a spring break fling with. “You know what? I love Lauren. I’m not going with someone else. I’m not going at all.”

  At that moment, I saw Tabby across the hall. She turned and bolted away from us.

  “I’m flying solo,” Rob said. “I don’t want anyone tying me down that night. How ‘bout we fly solo together?”

  If I said no, he’d never leave me alone. “I’ll think about it.”

  During lunch, I sat with Rob, Matt, Amber, and Tabby, who ignored me as much as I ignored her.

  “You’re coming dress shopping with me,” Amber told Tabby. “And you’re finding one. I don’t care who you go with, you’re going.”

  I focused on the carrots sitting on my tray.

  “There’s no one else I want to go with,” Tabby whispered.

  I grabbed my tray, dumped it, and headed to the gym. Halfway there, I noticed the footsteps behind me. “Kolton!”

  I stopped and looked back over my shoulder. “Amber.”

  “We need to talk.”

  “About?” She caught up with me and we started walking. I’d never noticed how bleached her hair was.

  She reached out and grabbed my arm to stop me. “You have to ask Tabby to prom.”

  “You know I’m not going to do that.” The only reason I didn’t turn my back on Amber was because she was Matt’s girlfriend.

  “You’re screwing everything up, you know. What about Cancun this summer, where the legal drinking age is eighteen? Tabby’s mom’s travel agent said she can hook us up. Come on. You’re being stupid about this.” Her eyes pleaded with me.

  “I don’t drink. Do you know anything about me?” I threw a hand up. “Forget it. Tabby probably doesn’t know either; she’s so shitfaced every time there’s beer around.”

  “Amber, stop harassing Kolton,” Rob strode up the hall toward us.

  “I’m not harassing him. Am I harassing you?” She dropped my arm.

  “Kind of.”

  She laughed like I was joking. “Just think about it,” she said. “You really should talk to her.”

  Rob took her by the arm and steered her away. “Don’t get involved in this. It’s not our business,” he told her quietly.

  “She’s my best friend. It is my business.”

  I started walking again, not looking back. We were only weeks from graduation, and then I’d get as far away from all of this as possible.

  LAUREN

  After school, Kristin and I sat at a table at Java Joe’s with steaming mochas and fat cherry chip muffins. I tried to pay attention to Kristin’s play by play of every hour of her trip to Florida over spring break with Connor.

  “Then,” she took a sip of her mocha, “we went on a deep sea fishing trip. I got so sea sick, I puked the whole time.”

  “That sucks, Kris.” I broke off a piece of muffin and stuck it in my mouth.

  “You haven’t said a word.” She looked at me expectantly through her retro, rectangular glasses. The thick pink arms were studded with rhinestones.

  “I haven’t had a chance.” I laughed and nudged her leg under the table. “I have a boyfriend.”

  Her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open as she smiled. “ Who? I’m sorry I didn’t call last night. Connor’s mom asked me to help her ‘scrapbook our vacation memories’.” Her eyes rolled up to the ceiling, but I knew she loved being thought of as part of Connor’s family. “So, who is he?”

  “His name’s Kolton, and he lives in Virginia Beach. We used to be friends when we were little. I hadn’t seen him in like ten years or something.”

  She smacked her hand over her heart. “Oh my God, I think I could cry. That is so sweet. How’d it happen? Tell me everything!”

  “We spent every day together. He took me surfing, and we went to the aquarium.” My mind sorted through all of the making out we did on the beach, in my bedroom, in his bedroom…

  “And you did more than that.” She raised her eyebrows. “I can tell.”

  I stuffed muffin in my mouth. “No we didn’t.”

  “You did something. Or you wanted to.”

  I scrunched up my face, trying to stop the smile that fought to stretch my lips.

  Kristin busted out laughing and pointed at me. “I knew it! You want him. This is it. It’s finally going to happen.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s about time.”

  “What do you mean, it’s about time? Who was I supposed to do it with? It’s not like guys have been lining up to be my boyfriend.”

  “Well, you’re always hanging your head, trying to hide.” She gave me a sympathetic smile.

  My hand darted to my cheek. That’s when I realized I hadn’t even thought about my birthmark for days. “Guess you’re right.”

  “You did let Kolton look at your face, right?” She reached across the table and yanked my hand away from my cheek.

  “Of course.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Wow. To you that’s more intimate than sex. You might as well just do the rest and get it over with.”

  I sneered at her. “Shut up.”

  “Is he coming to prom?” She stacked creamers beside her mug.

  “Yep. Want to double?”

  “Definitely. We need to go dress shopping.” She’d had her “spectacular blue dress” for weeks. “Friday. Can you go?”

  “I got a dress last night.”

  “Already? Seriously?”

  “Yeah. It’s red. And poufy.” I popped the last bite of muffin in my mouth.

  “Huh. That sounds nothing like you.” She laughed. “But I’m sure it’s gorgeous.”

  “It’s totally gorgeous.” I checked the time on my phone. “Want to go somewhere with me right now?”

  She gave me a conspiratorial look. “Where might that be?”

  “Victoria’s Secret.”

  Her mouth dropped open with a wide smile. “I knew it.”

  We swung our bags over our shoulders and headed outside, squinting in the bright afternoon sunlight.

  My palms prickled with nerves as we walked into Victoria’s Secret. I’d been in the store a million times before and bought bras and underwear, but this time was different. This time I was shopping for prom night. For Kolton.

  I made my way to the wall with white satin wedding undergarments. My fingertips slid over the cool material. I wished I was shopping for a honeymoon in the South Pacific.

  “You’re not running away to get married are you?” Kristin grabbed my wrist and tugged me over to another display of matching bras and underwear. “This is what you’re looking for.” She held up a few strips of lace held together by a few satin straps.

  “Uh…maybe something a little more…more.”

  After scouring the store, I locked myself in a dressing room with at least ten pairs of panties with matching strapless bras.

  I exami
ned my body in a red set with small crystal beads. It was tasteful and gorgeous. A woman I didn’t know reflected in the mirror, a woman who was preparing for a night that would change her forever. I wasn’t sure what I thought of her.

  I turned from the mirror and took the bra and panties off. I’d buy them and hide them away in my closet. The next time I took them off…well, I wouldn’t be the one taking them off of me. I shivered with excitement.

  My phone rang in Kristin’s car on the way home. It was Kolton.

  “It’s Lover Boy!” Kristin teased.

  “Shh!” I answered and turned away from her toward the passenger side window. “Hey! I thought you were working this afternoon.”

  “I’m sneaking a call to you. I couldn’t wait.” He was whispering. “When is prom again?”

  “Two weeks from Saturday. Please don’t forget.”

  After a pause he said, “I won’t forget.”

  “You’re still getting us a room, right?” Something about him seemed…off.

  Kristin whacked me in the leg and mouthed, what the hell?

  I smiled and mouthed back, it’s fine.

  “Right. Hotel room,” Kolton whispered. Somebody said something in the background, and he covered the phone with his hand to muffle it. “I have to go.”

  “Okay. I love you.”

  “You too.”

  I hung up and dropped my phone in my bag. It was such an odd conversation, and he was whispering the whole time. It was just weird.

  “What’s wrong?” Kristen asked, darting quick glances from the road.

  I shook my head. “Nothing. At least I don’t think so.” But something felt wrong.

  When I got home, I sat on the couch and opened my laptop. The email waiting to be read made my fingers tingle and my breath catch—the contest results. I double clicked and closed my eyes, afraid to look. Then, I took a deep breath and read the results.

  I was a finalist.

  A surge of excitement swept through me. I could win this one.

  Mom came in carrying a big cardboard box. She plopped down on the couch next to me, took in the laptop and my expression. The box hit the floor with a thud, sending a wave of stale, attic scented air to my nose. “Contest results?” she asked.

  I nodded. “I’m in the finals!”

  She did a fist pump. “I told you! You’re a great photographer. Let me see the picture you sent!”

  “You know how I am about showing my pictures. It’s like telling everyone what I wish for on my birthday. I don’t want to jinx it.” I closed my laptop as fast as possible without breaking the lid. No way would she see the picture of Kolton in his car with the hazy, post-make-out expression on his face.

  She squeezed my arm and gestured toward the box. “I understand. I’m cleaning out the attic. There are a ton of pictures in here from when you were little. Think you can work on scanning them for me this summer so we can save them on a hard drive?”

  One glance in the box told me there were pictures of the beach from when I was little. That meant there were probably pictures of Kolton, too. “Definitely.”

  “Good. I have so many boxes of pictures that I don’t want ruined.” She patted my leg and stood up. “I’m proud of you, Lauren. I know you’ll win this one.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” When she left the room, my hands were in the box before my knees could hit the floor. I pulled out a big pile of pictures and spread them out on the coffee table. Pictures of Amy and me at the zoo. Pictures of Amy and me feeding the ducks. Pictures of me on my swing set.

  I yanked out another handful and spread them on the floor. Images of birthday parties, Christmas, and Halloween costumes filled the four by six rectangles, but no Kolton.

  Then I found one. My heart melted at the sight of the little boy with curly brown hair and blue eyes the size of half dollars. He was covered in sand, holding his yellow truck. I stood beside him, in my ladybug bathing suit, a baby doll cradled in my arm. My face was in profile because I was turned to him, laughing, with one hand tugging his arm. The brilliant blue ocean sparkled behind us, and water covered our toes.

  I ran a finger over the little boy in the photo. He was mine then. He would always be mine.

  In the next photo, three little kids sat on a picnic table bench. The little girl wore all pink and pigtails. The little boy in the middle wore blue and held her hand. The boy on the end wore red. He was slightly taller than his brother. Each of us had sunglasses on that dwarfed our faces, and chocolate ice cream rings around our mouths from the drippy cones we held. All of our smiles were missing front teeth.

  The last two were of Kolton and me on the beach again, sitting under a rainbow colored umbrella on a blanket. The shots were candid. In one, I’d put my doll in the bed of his truck, and he was pushing it around.

  The last one was of us napping. The sun made red and blue steaks of light across our little bodies through the striped umbrella. Kolton’s thumb was in his mouth, and he lay curled on his side in a ball. I lay beside him on my stomach, one arm and one leg thrown over top of him. It seemed like they would never lose each other.

  I took the pictures and grabbed my bag and keys. “I’ll be back in a little while!” I called to Mom.

  I drove to the store feeling like my life was spread out before me. Graduation, college, Kolton.

  In the photo department, I gave the man behind the counter the pictures and waited while he made me copies. My cell rang as I handed the cashier a ten-dollar bill. I didn’t look at the caller ID, just answered.

  “Hello?”

  I heard a lot of random sounds and people talking, like background noise.

  “Hello?”

  Then I heard him, and my stomach twisted with his words. “Tabby, I told you, I can’t talk right now.”

  “I just wanted to make sure you knew how much I loved last night. Does Lauren know how good you are in bed? She’s missing out.”

  “Tabby--”

  My phone clattered onto the floor. The boy behind the register handed me my change. “Are you okay?”

  I looked at him, but didn’t see him. My ears buzzed.

  I don’t remember picking up my phone or driving home, but somehow I ended up in my bed, huddled under my blankets.

  No.

  But, Kolton told me himself that he always got back with her for the wrong reason.

  Sex.

  He always got back with her for sex. Why would I think he wouldn’t this time? Because of me? Right. I was stupid to think he was going to wait for me.

  My head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. I’d never known what heartache was until now. I’d never known that it really felt like your chest was splitting open, letting everything inside seep out onto the mattress.

  I had to keep it together. I’d ask Kolton outright if it happened. He’d tell me the truth—wouldn’t he?

  Through blurry, strained eyes, I stared at the red dress hanging on the back of my door, both hating it and wanting to hold it tight.

  I must have fallen asleep, because my cell phone woke me and my room was dark. My eyes were gritty, my nose crusted, my lips slimy. Instinctively, I reached for my phone and read the caller ID. Kolton.

  It rang twice more while my heart began to beat again, and I answered. “Hello.”

  “Hi, Ladybug. I miss you so much.”

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.

  “Lauren? Are you there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is this a bad time?”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Lauren?”

  “Does Lauren know how good you are in bed?” I said in my best Tabby voice. “Yeah, I heard it. Apparently, I’m missing out.” I hadn’t planned on repeating Tabby’s words. They shot out from my gut, like sour bile.

  He was silent for a minute, then his voice came through the phone, pained and quiet. “How did you hear that? Lauren, I haven’t been with her since before I met you.”

  “Why was she even wi
th you? Why would she say she loved last night?”

  “I was in the warehouse at work. I had no idea why she said that. I don’t know how you heard it either, but I can guess.”