by Jamie Blair
“I don’t know.” Visions spun and merged. I’d thought Kyle was Kolton at first, when I followed him down the hall. Then I was pulled inside the dark closet with two fierce blue eyes focused on my own.
I sobbed into her shoulder, making my bandages wet and soggy. It all happened so fast. One minute the world was mine. The next….
KOLTON
I went to the only place I could sort through the spinning blackness cluttering my head—our dune.
Although it was the middle of the night, it was still humid. The moon reflected off the waves. I lay back and let the heat seep into me and the gulls’ barks penetrate my mind. I couldn’t sleep in that hotel room without Lauren. I ached for her. I needed her laugh to shake loose the disgust that clung to the walls of my stomach. Disgust at myself for hurting her.
This was all my fault.
There’d been a voicemail waiting on my phone.
Tabby.
I’m so sorry, Kolton, she’d said. It’s all my fault. He did it for me. She was sobbing. Kyle did it for me. I love you. I didn’t want her to have you. God, Kolton, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he’d do this.
Exhaustion teamed with the anger swimming in my mind. The weight of sleeplessness crushed me. I curled up in Lauren’s spot and filled myself with her. I summoned her hair, its smell, and how it felt in my hands. I summoned her warm breath in my ear. I summoned her full, delicate lips on mine.
The sound of the waves crashing wasn’t loud enough. I had to get nearer. Their breaking had to crush me. The water had to smother the fire that raged inside me.
I ran to the edge and let the tide roll over the tops of my feet. I stepped forward, one foot, the other, over and over, up to my knees, wading out to my chest, bobbing on my toes until my head went under.
I held my breath, contemplating slipping deeper underwater. Only one person stood between me and the endless seconds racing by into black nothingness.
Lauren.
She was my life raft. Everyone else was an anchor weighing me down, holding me back. Lauren set me free.
And now she was gone. I couldn’t subject her to the memory of tonight by being with me.
I sat in my car in the dark, soaked, debating where to go. Home meant facing Mom and too many questions I wanted to avoid.
Lauren’s cottage drew me. My car drove, as if on autopilot, into her driveway. Idiotic as it was, a pang of disappointment shot through me looking up at the vacant house, standing dark. But her presence was still so strong there, it seemed like she should’ve been at the door waiting for me.
My fingers dragged along the weathered wooden railing as I climbed the stairs. I cupped my hands on the windowpane and looked through into the kitchen. If I stood there long enough, my shear will might make her appear on the couch, or sitting at the table.
I slouched down onto the deck and leaned back against the house under the window. I had nowhere to go, and I had to tell Lauren that we couldn’t be together.
LAUREN
Kolton disappeared when I needed him the most. I knew what was happening inside his head. His emotional pain was just as strong as my physical pain. I could hear him saying, “Everything I touch turns to shit, Lauren.”
Now he had my face as evidence.
Not that he’d seen my face.
He’d called and talked to my mom the morning after it happened. He’d gone back home already.
Every minute that passed without hearing from him came with more and more anger. How could he be so selfish? He could drown in the pity of his own life and still be here for me.
It wasn’t until the day after I got home from the hospital, three total after the attack, that he called.
“Hi,” I said, with only a hint of uncertainty and irritation in my voice.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “This is all my fault.”
“No, it’s not, and I’m fine. Thanks for calling and asking.”
“Please,” he said, the word rasp and urgent. “You’re not fine, and this happened because of me. I knew what I was getting you into. I knew it couldn’t work out. You deserve better. I should’ve stayed away from you. I knew I’d end up ruining you.”
“Stop. Kolton, stop.”
“Lauren, I love you, and because I love you, I have to stay away from you. You’re going to have an incredible life, but only if I’m not around to destroy it.”
“No!” I shot up in bed, making my head spin. “This isn’t about you! This isn’t your decision. We’re going to school together in the fall. Everything is going to be perfect, do you understand me?”
“Lauren, I hurt you. I’m sorry. I can’t let it happen again.” He took a great, shaky breath. “Goodbye.”
“No,” I whispered, but it was too late, he’d hung up.
KOLTON
It was over. Lauren was lost to me forever.
LAUREN
All the crying stuffed my nose. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes stung when I closed them. When I did try to sleep, my head spun and looped back through the scene at prom, then my mind played back Kolton’s voice on the phone telling me he wouldn’t put me through it anymore by being with me.
The initial shock still flowed fresh, seeping through my veins, mingling with my blood. I didn’t think I’d ever get that poisonous feeling out of me. I knew it would be there for the rest of my life, tainting the way I thought of Kolton. He knew it too, so he broke up with me. For me, he said. It was best—for me.
It happened so fast.
He wasn’t mine anymore.
How do you just turn off love? I couldn’t stop the intense emotions from swarming through my chest at the slightest thought of him. I couldn’t stop the image of his face, his eyes that kept flashing in my mind.
I loved him.
I wanted to love him.
I couldn’t love him anymore.
KOLTON
Tabby didn’t come back to school. Good thing. It was her or me; I wasn’t going to be in the same building with her. She’d written me a letter though. Amber gave it to me this morning at my locker.
Now that the school was empty and everyone had gone home, I sat in the gym with my back against the wall and opened the envelope.
Kolton,
I know saying I’m sorry will never be enough. I know I hurt you and Lauren more than I can make up for. More than that, I took advantage of Kyle’s illness to make him do something he has to live with forever. I’ll be living with it too. I don’t say that to get your pity. I know you hate me. I don’t blame you. I hate myself, too. I’m not coming back to finish our senior year. I can’t face everyone, especially you.
I just wanted you to know that I did it because I love you, and I always will, and I’m sorry.
Rob told me you broke up with Lauren because you blame yourself. Kolton, she needs you. I know I wanted to break you two up, but this isn’t what I thought it would be. I’m the one who ruined her and you have to put her back together.
Tabby
All the details leading up to prom night came out at the police station. Tabby told Kyle that Lauren was trying to turn me against him so Kyle would be out of my life and Lauren would have me all to herself. Tabby convinced him that if I slept with Lauren, I’d be willing to do whatever she said. Kyle agreed to stop prom night any way he could, thinking it was best for him and Tabby if Lauren was out of the picture.
I wanted to run and hide.
I wanted to take Lauren and run and hide.
I crumpled up the letter and pounded my fist against my forehead. It had been two weeks since I’d talked to Lauren. It was the worst call I’d ever made in my life. She pleaded with me to understand that it wasn’t my fault. But if she were with someone else—someone without a mentally ill brother who didn’t take his meds and psycho ex-girlfriend—this wouldn’t have ever happened to her. I was no good for her.
I got up and strode out of the gym to the main doors. In a few more weeks, I’d never have to come back to this place. There was no ke
eping me here. Not now. I wanted to go far away.
I could kidnap Lauren and take her with me. I didn’t know if she had gone back to school, or if she’d gotten her stitches out. I’d give anything to see her face and kiss her healing cuts.
I shook my head and got into my car. Hot air shot swarmed around me. I cranked on the A.C. and leaned back in my seat, fighting the urge to drive to Fredericksburg.
LAUREN
Something was about to break loose. I told Mom in the car on the way down to the cottage that something had changed. I felt it.
In the weeks that had passed, the tears didn’t come as easily, and the anger came more infrequently. I spent a lot of time imagining terrible things happening to Tabby for busting in on my life and leaving it a wreck.
We got to the cottage just after seven at night. I hopped in the shower. Mom and Dad ordered a pizza. We ate in front of the T.V., and I went up to bed early.
I hated lying in my bed at the cottage. I hated that my pillow smelled like him. And I loved it. And I cried, and hated myself.
I struggled to focus on the book I was reading, tried to pull myself away from the best memories that hurt the worst. When my phone rang, I grabbed it. I hesitated for only a second when I saw his number on the caller I.D.
It was time. Something had broken loose. I felt it.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Lauren.” He sighed, like hearing my voice was a relief. Maybe he thought I died.
I didn’t know how to react. I let the silence linger.
“Lauren? I’m sorry.”
“I’m here. I don’t know what to say.” I squeezed my pillow. I wanted to jump up and shout and tell him to come get me, but I couldn’t. How could I rush the fences I’d just put up? What if I dove back in and ended up hurt again?
“Lauren? Do you still want to be with me?” His voice cracked. I thought he might be crying.
“Yes. I don’t know. Let me process all of this.” I would not go running back in. I knew better now. Even if he wasn’t to blame, it didn’t make the hurt I’d felt any less real.
“Please. I love you so much,” he whispered. “Can I come see you tomorrow?”
“I’ll have to talk to my mom. I’ll let you know.” He didn’t know I was at the cottage, and he wanted to drive three hours to see me. That should count for something, shouldn’t it? But where had he been all along—after the…accident.
“Okay.” He paused for a second. “Please don’t shut me out. I know I hurt you. Please talk through this with me.”
I wanted to scream, I love you, into the phone. I wanted him to show up under my balcony again. I had to hold back this time. I had to be smart and think it through, not let my heart lead. “I won’t shut you out. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Okay. I love you, Ladybug.”
My heart seized. “I know.” I hung up. I couldn’t take anymore. I cried until I was gasping for air and squeezed into a ball on the floor with my arms around my knees.
I had to fight it. I couldn’t give that much of myself ever again.
I stared at the ceiling all night, and out the balcony doors where the hazy sky blurred the stars. If only something were clear.
The next morning, I watched the sun rise then went down on the beach to take a walk. The water was cold and numbed my feet. I wondered about the numbness, and how everything hurt so bad right before it set in. Maybe always being numb was the answer.
I knew every minute that went by without my phone call was tearing Kolton apart. I couldn’t help it. I deserved this time to figure out my feelings.
I plopped down in the sand in front of the cottage and watched the waves roll in and pull back out, a constant state of flux. Everything was always moving and shifting under its surface. How can you be certain of anything in a world that’s always in motion?
As I sat there thinking and crying, a little girl in a pink polka dot bathing suit ran by with her mom chasing her. The little girl saw me, and the look on her face threw me inside my head where I replayed the past few weeks, especially prom night.
Dad sat down beside me in the sand, distracting me from my contemplation. “So,” he said, ruffling the back of my hair.
“So.” I couldn’t decipher the expression on his face.
He raised his chin and looked out over the ocean, handing me a caramel. He almost appeared to be grinning, just the corners of his mouth bending slightly upward. “Want to talk?”
I pulled my knees up to my chest, and rested my chin on them. My fingers tunneled down into the sand at my sides. I shrugged. “If you want.”
He leaned back onto his hands and stretched out his legs. “What do you think about all this?” I felt his eyes on the side of my face. I could smell his deodorant—clean and soapy—the scent I’d known him by for my entire life.
I shrugged again.
“Want to know what I think?”
I turned my head, facing him, laying my cheek on my knees.
“I think the whole situation stinks. For both of you.” His lips pulled in, making a sympathetic smile. “You know, it’s tough being a guy. It’s bad enough when we do stupid things—make stupid mistakes. But this guy thought he was doing the right thing by staying away. It was his brother that did this to you. That’s a lot for someone to handle.”
He let his head fall back and watched the seagulls flying over our heads. “Being in a relationship is tough work. It takes swallowing your pride sometimes. I can say that your mom’s swallowed hers a lot over the years.” He pulled my hand out of the sand and held it. “I’m glad she did.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I wondered what he meant, what had happened over the years between him and Mom. He stood and brushed off his shorts. “My keys are on the breakfast bar if you need to borrow the car.”
I blinked back tears and smiled. “Thanks, Dad.”
“It’s what I’m here for.”
I watched him walk back up the beach onto the patio. He sat beside Mom and pulled her feet up onto his lap. She put her magazine down and studied him for a minute before smiling. Then she took his hand and squeezed.
The ocean mirrored everything else in life.
It was always changing.
Cuts healed, and people moved on.
I slid my cell phone from my pocket and dialed his number. “Meet me at our dune,” was all I said when he answered. Then I hung up.
There was one thing I had to get before meeting Kolton with my decision.
I ran past Mom and Dad into the cottage, up to my room. Under my bed, stored away in a Monopoly box, my ladybug necklace waited for me.
FOUND AGAIN
10 Months Later
LAUREN
I knocked on the door. Kolton opened it wearing one of Rob’s crazy t-shirts. This one was bright orange with the Frosted Flakes logo on it.
“Hi,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me into his dorm room. “I have to change really fast then we’ll go.”
I traced Tony the Tiger’s face on Kolton’s chest. “I was hoping you were planning on changing.”
Rob spun around from the desk where he sat on his side of the room. “Don’t tell me you’re a Frosted Flakes hater. They’re grrreat!” He jabbed his finger into the air like Tony the Tiger.
Laughing, I grabbed a balled up pair of socks from the floor and threw them at his head. “You’re not normal. You know that, right?”
“Normal’s not fun. We’ve been over this before.” He threw the socks back at me.
Rob and I became good friends after the accident. He spent a lot of time with Kolton, so he spent a lot of time with me by default when we got to UVA.
“You sure you don’t want a ride home with us?” Kolton asked him.
We were headed to Virginia Beach for spring break. Kolton was staying at the cottage with me until my parents came in two days—they knew we were together, but would never approve overnights at the cottage—then he was planning on staying at Rob’s.
&nbs
p; “Nah,” Rob said. “I need my car at home. Thanks for the offer.”
“Sure,” I said, since I was the one driving.
“I’m having a party Friday night.” Rob grabbed his Cat in the Hat hat from the floor by his desk and plopped it on top of his head. “Beer Pong Champion of the World!”
