by Dean Murray
"Okay, but only for you and Sheree."
Cindi's grin was like sunshine and kittens wrapped into a fluffy blanket. "Great! I'll go get Sheree and we'll meet you on the other side of the school, back around in that section with all of the trees."
Still wondering why I'd agreed, I picked up my things and started towards the designated spot. I was setting myself up to fail. Just because I'd spent a few nights inside the heads of a bunch of cheerleaders didn't mean that I could do this. Memorizing a sequence of moves was one thing, actually performing them was something else entirely.
I'd nearly talked myself into backing out when Sheree and Cindi arrived.
"Adri, I'm so glad that you're thinking about trying out. I can't blame you for being a little nervous. I was totally nervous when I tried out last year. If it hadn't been for my mom pushing me I don't know if I could have gotten up the courage to try out."
I shot Cindi a questioning look, but she made an encouraging motion and I decided not to make a fuss about the fact that she'd told Sheree that I was going to try out when I actually had no intention of doing any such thing.
"So I just start?"
Sheree nodded brightly at me. "Yeah, you should probably go ahead and assume beginning position just so that it's like it will be tomorrow, but then just go for it."
I started to ask her what the beginning position was, but realized that I already knew. Apparently my dream education was good for at least a little more than just memorizing the sequence of moves in the routine. I placed my feet together, toes even, and then looked forward with my fists on my hips and my elbows straight out from my body.
I probably would have stood there forever without moving, but all of a sudden Cindi called out, "Ready!"
I found myself responding with the "Okay!" that all of the girls in my dreams had called out at the start of each routine. Reflexes that I hadn't even realized I had suddenly took over and I started waving my arms around and moving my feet in time to music in my head that matched up to exactly what the girls performed to.
It was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. I'd never practiced this routine before, but I remembered practicing it dozens or maybe even hundreds of times. If I tried to think about what I was doing then my movements got clumsy and halting, but if I just let the routine flow out of me, then everything was smooth and snappy.
I threw myself into the last spin and then looked up to meet the eyes of a satisfied Cindi and an astonished Sheree.
"Wow, Adri. That was really, really good. I don't think you have anything to be nervous about. There are still a few rough spots in there, but you were head and shoulders better than anyone else we had out there today."
I would have dismissed Sheree's compliment, but even now she still looked too shocked for it to just be something she was saying out of simple politeness. Sheree shook her head and then turned to Cindi.
"How long have the two of you been practicing that? I'm totally amazed. Cheerleading barely leaves me time to finish my studies and sleep at night. I don't know how I'd ever fit in the time to teach anyone else the routines."
Cindi just smiled and shrugged. "I can't take any credit, Adri's a natural. How about if we do it one more time, Adri, only this time you and I can do it in formation just like it will be tomorrow."
There it was, the insinuation that I'd be trying out for Janessa's spot on the team. I almost told Cindi no, but Sheree practically jumped out of her sneakers.
"That's a good idea. Cindi, you should start it off again. I'll watch and this time I'll be ready so I can critique both of you."
Cindi took up a spot to the right of me and once again when she yelled out "Ready!" I responded and launched into the routine that I'd never in a million years imagined that I'd be performing. It was easier this time. I didn't try to fight my reflexes. Instead I just shut my brain down and let my body take over.
At one point Cindi and I were facing each other and I returned her smile almost in spite of myself. I was actually having fun, which lasted right up until I came around on the final spin and saw the other two cheerleaders who'd been helping Cindi and Sheree.
Having observers, especially those particular observers, made me nervous enough that I messed up the next move and stumbled into Cindi. We ended the routine tangled up in a knot on the ground. Sheree was there instantly, helping the two of us up.
"You guys were really rocking it there right up until the end. It was like watching a pair of twins out there, I was super impressed! Adri, you're as good as if you'd been on the team since the start of the school year." Sheree clapped her hands over her mouth and squealed in excitement. "Oh my gosh, I just realized what I said. Miss Winters is going to be so happy. We all thought we'd have to get a new girl up to speed but instead you'll be able to just pick things right up. This is so great!"
The other two cheerleaders didn't look very happy to find out that Cindi's nerdy older sister was cheerleader material, and a couple of the girls who'd been hoping to make it on the team themselves had wandered around the edge of the school just in time to catch the end of Sheree's outburst.
I opened my mouth to tell everyone that they didn't need to worry, that I wasn't planning on showing up for tryouts tomorrow, but Cindi stepped on my foot and then innocently asked Sheree what time it was.
"Oh, no. It's after five. I'm sorry, girls, but I've got to get home right away or my mom is going to freak out. I'll see you both tomorrow!"
That last bit was yelled back over her shoulder as she took off towards the parking lot. It was like Sheree leaving was a signal. Everyone else turned and went their separate ways, leaving me alone with Cindi, who seemed desperately determined to have me join the cheerleading team.
Chapter 4
We made it almost exactly halfway home before Cindi started begging me to join the team. "Please, Adri. It would be so much better if you were on the team with me."
"Why? I don't see why it matters to you. I would have thought you'd feel like I was stealing your thunder if I did something like that."
Cindi looked at the ground for a couple of seconds before responding. "I used to know what I wanted, but lately I feel like I'm just kind of drifting. I thought maybe the problem was Janessa—she'd actually been giving me a lot of crap for a while before the two of you got in that fight. I think she'd figured out that I was the one who was probably going to replace her if she couldn't keep everything together."
I almost stumbled. It was hard to imagine Cindi as anything other than the self-assured golden child. A Cindi with doubts and social problems was something new, something I wasn't quite sure how to handle.
"Why didn't you say anything? I didn't even know that she was being mean to you."
Cindi shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I felt bad. Half the reason she was being nasty to you was probably just because you're my sister, so I didn't want to say anything and give you another reason to hate me."
"I wouldn't have hated you."
"Maybe not, but it's not like we've ever been very close. I didn't want to risk giving you something else to hold against me."
My throat tightened up. "I'm sorry that we've never been as close as we should have. I think that's probably my fault. It's hard not to be jealous of you. I mean look at you, you're practically perfect. You're smart, you get good grades, you're pretty and skinny and you're a cheerleader who pretty much everyone likes. It's hard to compete with that."
Cindi gave me an unhappy look. "Why does it have to be a competition? You're practically as skinny as I am these days and you care a lot less about what other people think than I do. Not only that, you're a lot closer to Dad than I am. I think he's still trying to figure out how he had a daughter who ended up as a cheerleader. He tries, but he has a lot harder of a time relating to me than he does to you."
I opened my mouth to protest that Dad loved her just as much as he loved me, but she just kept going. "Do you know that you're the reason that I get good grades? Back before I even
started kindergarten I saw how much of a big deal Dad made of you when you'd bring your report card home. I decided right then and there that I wanted to be smart like you."
I kicked the ground. "I'm not sure who the joke is on there. It turns out that I'm not smart at all."
Cindi shook her head. "You don't get good grades any more, but that isn't because you're not smart, it's because you stopped caring. You're still smart, you've just been as lost in your own way as I've been in mine for the last couple of years."
"I'd like to be closer too. I…well, I've been thinking a lot lately that there was something missing in our relationship. That's actually why I went to that stupid practice with you. I've never wanted to be a cheerleader."
"I know you haven't, but this is a chance for us to spend more time together. That's how we'd get to be better friends. You come do this with me and I'll do something you like to do with you and over time we'll grow to be as close as we both feel like we should be."
I sighed and then shrugged. "Let me think about it a little. This would be something totally out of my comfort zone."
Cindi rolled her eyes at me. "It can't be that far out of your comfort zone, not if you spent enough hours to learn that routine. I'm still not sure when you found the time to practice without me finding out, but I'm super impressed."
I managed a wan smile. If Cindi and I had been better friends maybe I'd have tried to tell her about my dreams, but as it was I was pretty sure she just wouldn't believe me.
**
I was still on cleaning duty as a punishment, but when we got home Cindi volunteered to do all of the cooking by herself so that I could get my chores done. It was a nice gesture. I knew she had an ulterior motive behind the offer, but it was still a nice thing for her to have done.
There was a note on the fridge from Mom when we got home telling us that she'd been planning on making lasagna, but that she wouldn't be home until late because she was having dinner with a gallery owner that had expressed some interest in her work.
With just two of us in the house things were pretty quiet, but it was a silence that was more companionable than normal. I called Dad when the lasagna was twenty minutes from being done to see if he would be home to eat with us, but I only got his voicemail, which Cindi and I took as a good sign. Usually if he didn't take one of our calls it was because he was on the road and hadn't heard his phone.
We were right. Dad walked through the door five minutes before seven, gave both of us hugs, and then the three of us sat down to eat.
Dad asked us how our days had gone and Cindi started to tell him about my performance at the end of practice, but I kicked her under the table and she cut off midsentence with a hurt look. Dinner went by pretty quickly after that. Dad loaded the dishwasher up and then retreated to his study to finish up some of the work that he hadn't been able to get to during the course of the day.
He looked so worn out that I almost couldn't bring myself to go in and bother him with my problems, but I knew he'd rather be bothered than out of the loop so I took a deep breath and stuck my head inside of his office.
"Hi, Dad. I know you're busy, but could we talk for a few minutes?"
"Of course, come on in, Adri. Is this about your punishment?"
"Actually it's not, but now that you mention it I have been thinking about your questions and I think that I have some answers for you."
Dad gestured at the tiny chair stationed at the side of his desk. "Well, which do you want to start with?"
"Your questions, I think."
He smiled at me like he knew that I was trying to avoid getting into the real reason we were talking and then waved for me to proceed.
"First you asked who I thought was the bully in my fight."
"What did you decide?"
"I think that we both were, at least a little. She was calling me names and she was the one who got in my face first, but by telling everyone there that she'd cheated on her test I put her in a position where she felt like she had to do something to protect her image. I guess you could say that I escalated things."
Dad nodded. "I think you've done the situation justice. So how do you think the fight could have gotten out of control?"
"I don't know, I guess there are a lot of different ways. When I scratched her I could have missed her cheek and gotten her eye instead."
"She had friends there, right, Adri?"
"Yeah, why?"
"These days friends don't always just stand by and let a fight be settled between two people. I've read about plenty of incidents, especially in cities like ours, where an entire group of kids jump one kid after the fight starts. Those situations don't usually end very well, sweetie. Usually the loser ends up in the hospital, at the very least."
My mouth opened and closed a few times as I tried to process what he'd just said. I'd seen some of the same kinds of headlines online, but somehow none of that had crossed my mind, either at the time of the fight or in the days since.
"I guess you're right, that would have been pretty bad."
Dad sighed. "You being hospitalized or even dead would have been pretty much the worst-case scenario, but there are other things that could have happened that wouldn't have been very much fun. To be honest, I half expected that Janessa's parents would try to get the police or lawyers involved."
My stomach knotted up like it was trying to digest a rock. We couldn't afford a lawyer. I didn't know a ton about our finances, but I knew that despite the long hours Dad worked that there wasn't a ton of money to spare and lawyers were super expensive.
"I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't think about that either."
"I know, sweetie. You wouldn't have purposefully done anything to hurt your family, but you need to understand that your actions can have much bigger consequences than you realize."
I felt like crying, but he really wasn't mad at me. He waited while I pulled myself back together a little bit.
"So what about my third question? When is fighting okay and was your fight with Janessa justified?"
"You said the other day that sometimes fighting is okay, but now all I can think about is all of the ways that things could have gone really wrong."
"The consequences can be pretty serious, but sometimes the consequences of not fighting can be even more serious."
"Like if someone else might be killed or hospitalized if I didn't fight."
"Yes, like that. Fighting is always a last resort; it's always something you should consider only when fighting a bully and only when the consequences of not fighting are at least as bad as the potential consequences of fighting."
I nodded and stood up to leave but Dad grabbed my hand and pulled me back down into my chair. "You had something to ask me, and we also haven't talked about your punishment."
"I did a pretty bad job answering your questions, so I'm guessing my punishment is going to continue for the foreseeable future, which makes the question I came in here with a pointless one."
Dad shook his head. "I actually thought that you did an okay job with my questions. I think that there are plenty of adults who haven't thought things through to the degree that you have now. Not only that, I feel like you now understand the gravity of any decision to get into a fight. I think your punishment can come to an end, which means that you can go ahead and ask me your other question."
"I…well, Cindi thinks that I should try out for the cheerleading squad tomorrow."
Dad's eyes got a little bigger like I'd just completely blindsided him. "That's what Cindi thinks. What do you think?"
"I'm not sure. If I knew that I wouldn't be able to make the team then it would just be a matter of whether I was willing to go make a fool out of myself at the tryouts. I'm pretty sure I can make the team though, so if I go try out then I'm looking at making a huge change. I'll have to go to practices and games and I'll have a lot less time to do my homework."
Dad shook his head. "The act of trying out doesn't mean that you are committing to join the team. You
still have a decision to make after that, so the real question you should be asking yourself is whether the things you lose by going to the practice are greater than the things you gain."
"So I would gain the opportunity to be on the team, and I would lose two hours of my life?"
"At the most basic level, yes, but there might be other considerations as well. Based on how excited Cindi was about telling me something before you kicked her under the table, I'm guessing that Cindi loves the idea of having you on the team with her."
"I guess you're right. My going to the tryouts would probably gain me brownie points with Cindi, but isn't it a waste of time to go do something just for the possibility of being on the team if I'm not really interested in joining?"
"Yes, if you're positive that you don't want to be on the team, but you don't seem like you really know what you want to do yet."
"Yeah. I think I'm worried what people will think. I've always thought that most of the cheerleaders were stupid and shallow. If I'm a cheerleader then everyone is going to think the same thing about me."
"Is that your only concern?"
"No. I'm the reason that this spot on the team is open. How is it going to look if I get Janessa's place on the team after getting her kicked off in the first place?"
"I'm not going to lie, Adri, it's going to look pretty bad. On the other hand, if you spend your whole life making decisions solely based on what other people will think, you'll have a very unhappy life and people will still end up disapproving of your choices."
I nodded and stood back up. This time Dad didn't stop me. "Thanks, Dad. You've got some good points. I'll at least go try out tomorrow and then I can make a decision from there."
"You're welcome, Adri. Have a good night's sleep if I'm still working when you turn in."
Cindi was predictably thrilled when I told her I would at least go try out. I kept telling her that I still wasn't positive that I'd be joining the team, but she didn't seem concerned. In Cindi's world, once you got an offer to join the cheerleading team there wasn't any way you would not join.
