‘You’re not prepared to give up the defence force? Even now?’ his father queried.
‘The navy is all I know. It’s what I’m good at.’ Sam raked his fingers through his hair. ‘I love my family, Juliet included, but I can’t stand the idea of going to work for the next thirty years doing something I don’t enjoy just to pay the bills. I need to be out at sea. I take after you there. Look at you, you’re retired but you’re still on the ocean almost every day.’
‘Are you sure you’re not using the ocean as an excuse?’
‘An excuse for what?’
‘Settling down, staying in one place. Are you avoiding family life? I would give all this up in an instant if it would bring your mother back. Once she died there didn’t seem any reason not to stay with the navy. Your aunt Helen was happy to come with me and you were okay, but I would have preferred you to have had your mother.’
‘I would have liked that too.’
‘In a perfect world you would have had us both. Your kids can still have that.’
‘But that’s just it. I don’t see how.’ His father was watching him, he could feel it. Sam looked up from his line. ‘What?’
‘I’m just wondering what you’d do if, heaven forbid, Juliet doesn’t make it. Would you drag your kids around the country then?’
Sam thought of Kate. She was coping well at the moment, and the time she was spending with both him and Juliet seemed to be easing her concerns. But if something else did go wrong he knew he wouldn’t be able to move her without consequences. Juliet had been right about that. Kate needed constancy—she wasn’t a child who coped well with change.
‘No,’ he replied.
‘So why don’t you look at what you’d do then? You don’t have to wait for something else to go wrong if you can find a solution now.’
‘But that’s the problem. I can’t think of any solutions.’
Juliet seemed to be doing so much better. Sam had thought about her not making it when she’d gone in for the mastectomy but since then he’d blocked from his mind the thought that it might not fix things. He didn’t want to think about her not making it but maybe his dad was right. Maybe he could use that thought just as a hypothetical. He’d have to find a solution then.
‘Can I make a suggestion?’ Bob asked.
Sam nodded in response as he realised that this was what he’d been hoping for. He’d wanted another head to help solve his dilemma. ‘Go for it.’
‘There are jobs with the defence force that keep you in one place—’
‘Desk jobs.’ That was not what he wanted to hear. A desk job was not for him.
‘They’re probably desk jobs by definition,’ his dad agreed, ‘but they would allow you to be permanently placed somewhere. If you considered teaching or operational positions, you might still have a little time at sea but you wouldn’t have to be away for long stints or move every few years.’
‘How do you know about these?’ Sam asked as he wondered why he hadn’t considered that angle.
‘Because I thought about it when your mum died but with Aunt Helen’s help, and you being the type of child you were, we managed the moves. Not all children are cut out for frequent changes. Not all children are like you. It’s an option worth thinking about.’
Sam finally hooked a fish of his own and he thought about his dad’s suggestion as he brought the fish in. Despite Juliet’s cancer, the best days of his year had been the two months when he’d been surrounded by his family. He knew if it wasn’t for Juliet’s cancer he wouldn’t have had those times, and while he wished for Juliet to get her health back, he was also glad that he’d had an opportunity to spend that time with his family.
Having them all together had reminded him of how much he loved them, of how much he needed them and how much they needed him. He’d been trying to ignore how lonely he was going to feel after the end of this holiday.
He still believed, still hoped, that Juliet was going to be okay but a shore-based posting did have its merits. It would mean he could still be a part of the navy. The navy had made him the man he was, and he was reluctant to give it up if he didn’t have to. Leaving the navy for a civilian life, even temporarily, had made him frustrated and angry and he didn’t want to be that person again. He needed fulfilment in his career but this time he knew that if he had to sacrifice one or the other, this time his family would come first.
But what if he could find a shore-based position? It would mean he could be available if Juliet or the children needed him. And it could mean the difference between getting his family back or not. His dad was right?it was worth considering. It was his best option. It was his only option.
New Year’s Eve, 2008
Juliet stepped out of the shower after rinsing the salt water from her skin. She wrapped herself in a towel and then squeezed the water from her bathers. She was slowly getting used to her naked appearance but she still preferred to avoid mirrors when she could. Once she was dressed it was a different story.
The surprise weekend shopping trip to Canberra that Sam had organised had been a chance to shop for bras, breast prostheses and swimming costumes. Juliet was happy with the results of her retail therapy session and although she hadn’t been able to do much about her naked self yet, when dressed in a properly fitted bra and the right stuffing, she thought she looked okay.
The weekend in Canberra had been fabulous. Sam had been fabulous. The children had loved seeing the university oval where their parents had met, the Ferris wheel where Sam had proposed, the flat they’d first lived in. There had been a lot of good memories.
Juliet didn’t know how she would have managed over the past couple of months without Sam’s help and she’d agreed to spend this week in Merimbula with him as her way of saying thank you. She’d known he’d wanted her to join him and she’d had no reason to refuse.
They’d had five days in Merimbula already and the kids were having the time of their lives. How they were all going to cope when the time came to go back to Melbourne was concerning her a little, especially as they would be leaving Sam behind. His carer’s leave would be finished and he was due to go back to Sydney.
But she had another two days before the trip was over and perhaps everything would be fine. She wasn’t going to make a mountain out of a molehill and stress about things that might or might not happen. Reducing her stress levels had been part of the advice Dr Davey, the oncologist, had given her, and it was advice she was going to try hard to follow. Studies had shown that some cancers were stress related and she wasn’t going to disadvantage her recovery by letting her imagination get the better of her and worrying about every little possibility.
She took a deep, calming breath, visualising all the pleasant things she and the children had been doing in Merimbula.
Bob’s house was a gorgeous weatherboard cottage overlooking the sea about two kilometres from the centre of town. There weren’t a lot of reasons in Juliet’s mind to leave the cottage but they had ventured into town on pushbikes and pottered about down by the river that ran behind Bob’s house. The children swam off the beach at Spencer Park, which was at the mouth of the river, while she rested in the shade. She had spent a fair bit of time eating the mangoes and strawberries that were in season and the freshly caught fish that Sam and Bob brought in most days. Sam had spent most of the time with them too, the only exception being when he went fishing with his father, but quite often he took one or both children too.
Juliet hadn’t felt up to going fishing yet. She couldn’t spend hours in the sun as the chemo had made her susceptible to sunburn and she didn’t really have enough energy for fishing, but she’d been surprised to find how much she missed Sam’s company when he was gone for a few hours. The time here was reminding her of the time they’d had in Bali all those years ago. She needed time to heal and with Sam’s attention she could feel herself recovering.
She hung her towel on the rack and decided to dress for a celebration—it was New Year’s Eve after a
ll.
She had packed carefully for the Christmas holidays, including most of her purchases from Canberra, telling herself that if she looked as good as possible it would boost her confidence. She knew that really she just wanted to look good for Sam. This week in Merimbula together was all about the children and ostensibly to give her a chance to rest and regain her strength, but it wouldn’t hurt to look good.
She chose a white dress—her fair skin for once was lightly tanned and the dress would show off her tan and emphasise her arms. It had a modest neckline that allowed her to wear her new prostheses and she teamed it with a headscarf in a blue-and-white pattern that she knew brought out the colour in her eyes. If she was going to dress up, she might as well give it everything. Kate had bought her the scarf, with Sam’s help, and had given it to Juliet for Christmas. Her hair had completely fallen out and she found her wigs were much too hot and uncomfortable to wear out in the sun to the beach or the river. Kate’s scarf was perfect. She knew Kate had bought the scarf because she couldn’t stand the thought of a bald mother, and Juliet was careful to keep her head covered when she was around the children.
She tied the ends of the scarf and let them fall loosely down her back before applying some mascara and lip-gloss to make herself more presentable. Her eyelashes and eyebrows hadn’t been affected by the chemotherapy drug, Cytoxan, probably because those hair follicles were slower growing than her head hair and she was grateful for some small mercies. Finally she was ready.
Sam had already taken the children down to the beach to get the bonfire started, and Sam’s dad and aunt were celebrating New Year with friends so it was just the four of them having their own party on the sand. Juliet checked her reflection one final time and took another deep breath to calm her nerves as she remonstrated with herself about being foolish. She grabbed a warm coat, switched on a couple of lights and left the house to walk down the path to the beach.
∗ ∗ ∗
Juliet had rested on the pillows Sam had carried down to the beach and watched him cook fish and potatoes in coals taken from the bonfire while the children had toasted marshmallows. For dessert Sam had split open bananas and filled their centres with chocolate before wrapping them in foil and baking them in the coals. They’d eaten these while they’d watched the nine o’clock fireworks display that lit up the far end of the beach. It had been an almost perfect evening.
It was nearing midnight now but it was still a glorious calm summer’s night. There wasn’t a breath of wind but the temperature had dropped slightly and the fire wasn’t throwing any warmth onto them now. It had burnt right down and all that remained was a pile of glowing coals. The kids had fallen asleep. Edward was tucked in against Juliet’s side and Kate was on her other side, curled between her parents. Sam had set up a ground-sheet with cushions and quilts and had covered them all with blankets. Juliet could feel the cool air on her face but the rest of her was surprisingly warm and comfortable. She yawned.
‘Have you had enough?’ Sam asked, hearing her yawn.
‘No. I want to stay up for the midnight fireworks. I want to see in the New Year.’ She looked down the beach. The local surf lifesavers had handed out glow-stick bracelets to revellers earlier in the evening and the beach was dotted with lights. At the far end, where the fireworks would be set off, a stage had been erected, a band was playing and the young adult crowd was partying in full swing.
‘It’s just another day. We should call it a night if you’re tired.’
Juliet shook her head. ‘It’s more than another day. It’s the start of a new year and it’s a chance to move forward. I can’t wait to put 2008 behind me—it wasn’t the best year of my life.’
‘I guess not.’ Sam paused and flashed her his familiar, lopsided grin that instantly made her feel like the world was a better place. ‘I’m really glad you’re here, Jules. You had me frightened for a while?I wasn’t sure that we were going to have another Christmas.’
‘I told you I wasn’t leaving my children.’
‘I know. I’m just glad you meant it. How are you feeling, honestly? Are you ready for the year?’
‘I feel good. I’m getting stronger every day. I just want things to go back to normal.’ She still wasn’t quite sure what normal was but it sounded like the right thing to say.
‘Are you going to be okay?’
‘I think so.’
She knew what he was really asking. She’d grown used to having Sam around. The children had too and Juliet knew they’d take some time to adjust back to being a family of three again. Making this transition again was what she’d been worried about when Sam had first moved back with them but the past couple of months had been worth it. She didn’t think she would have managed without him. Once again, he’d been her rock.
‘You were right, you know. I wouldn’t have managed the past couple of months without you. Thank you.’ It was important to her that he knew she was grateful.
‘I’m happy I could help. You would have got through but if I’ve made things easier then I’m glad. That was my intention and I want you to know that you can call on me at any time, for anything, and I’ll do my best to help. The children are still my responsibility and, despite everything, I still feel I have a responsibility to you too.’
She nodded and watched him as he lay on his back, propped on his elbows, one knee bent. He was simply gorgeous and her heart flipped in her chest. He still affected her as much as he had on the day they’d met. There remained a physical pull of attraction every time she saw Sam—her body still ached for his caress, she still craved his touch. He was her addiction and she was finding that being under the same roof as him, to have him so close yet untouchable, was becoming more and more unbearable. How she wished his priorities had been different. How she wished he could have put his family first.
She had set him free, hoping he would come back, and he was back, but only temporarily. He was there out of kindness and compassion, and when things had settled down again, he’d be gone.
She’d spent a lot of time over the past year wishing things had turned out differently, but she was still finding it difficult to reconcile her heart with the facts, although she was beginning to accept that some things couldn’t be changed. But as she lay on the blankets with Sam just inches away from her she let herself imagine, just for a moment, that they were still a couple. She imagined reaching out to stroke his arm. She closed her eyes and she could imagine the feel of his body under her fingers, the soft hair on his forearm, the warmth of his skin. She could picture his fingers joining with hers, holding her hand, and she could imagine his touch; she could feel the shivers of pleasure that would shoot through her as their fingers locked together.
In her mind his fingers were now trailing up her arm, imprinting his mark onto her skin, brushing the nape of her neck as he pulled her towards him, his breath sweet on her cheek, his lips soft against hers. She could almost taste him, could almost feel the thrust of his tongue against hers, could almost hear his soft moan of pleasure.
Just the image of him holding her, loving her, was enough to warm her soul. There would never be anyone else for her, not while Sam still lived and breathed. She knew that. She would never love anyone else the way she loved Sam.
‘What are you thinking about?’ Sam’s voice interrupted her reverie.
She opened her eyes, ridiculously disappointed to find that she wasn’t wrapped in his arms, to find he was still on the other side of the blanket. She couldn’t imagine him wanting her back in his arms but that didn’t stop her from imagining how it would feel. ‘Nothing really.’ It was ridiculous to reminisce like this. Imagining things didn’t change their reality. It didn’t change the fact they were divorced. It didn’t change the fact that in two more days she’d be returning to Melbourne without him.
But, just for tonight, she would let her imagination run wild. There would be plenty of time for reality when she returned to Melbourne.
He stood and stretched. ‘It’s nea
rly midnight,’ he said.
He was silhouetted against the stars and Juliet’s breath caught in her throat. ‘Where are you going?’
‘I have something for you.’ He rummaged through a bag and withdrew a parcel. He knelt beside her on the blanket and passed her the package.
Juliet unwrapped the present. Inside was a silver link bracelet and hanging from the links were two small, thin, silver circles. She lifted the chain from its bed of velvet. Each disc was engraved, the first with the word Kate, the second with Edward. It was delicate and gorgeous.
‘It’s not to remind you of what’s important,’ Sam explained, ‘you know that as well as I do. It’s to remind you of what we created together. I’m hoping the new year will be a year in which you’ll be able to celebrate being well and I’m hoping that this bracelet will serve as a reminder of all the people around you who love you.’
‘It’s perfect. Thank you.’ It was beautiful and it was almost perfect, but it was missing a disc. Juliet couldn’t help thinking that there should have been a third disc with Sam’s name on it. But she didn’t say that, she just undid the clasp and passed the bracelet to Sam, holding out her hand for him to fasten the bracelet around her wrist. His fingers were warm on her skin as he held her arm steady, his touch gentle yet strong, disturbing her senses, just as she’d imagined it would.
As he snapped the clasp shut the first midnight firework exploded in the sky above them.
He grinned at her, his familiar smile lighting up his face. ‘Happy New Year, Jules.’
‘Happy New Year,’ she repeated. Her voice was quiet in contrast to the noise of the fireworks but Sam was so close there was no need to shout. He was kneeling mere inches from her side and as she watched he leant towards her, closing the distance between them until it was no more than a finger’s space separating them. No more than a breath. His eyes were shining, the hazel flecks in the green almost undetectable as his pupils dilated. The light wasn’t reaching his eyes, their faces were so close that the light couldn’t penetrate. Their gazes were locked. Juliet could feel the tension sparking in the air around them. She sat, motionless, too afraid to move in case she broke the spell.
Rescued by the Dreamy Doc / Navy Officer to Family Man Page 27
