by C D Cain
“One of the folklore stories is that there was a woman named Katy who was madly in love with this man. But he left her to marry another.” With those words, Sam loosened her grip on Rayne’s hand. Rayne continued her story but with a quieted tone to her voice. “They were found dead in their honeymoon bed the morning after they’d married. It was said they were poisoned but no one saw the crime. Well, no person saw the crime. They say the bugs saw what happened as they had been watching from the window. On hot summer nights, it’s said they shout from the trees to tell us who committed the crime. ‘Katy-did, Katy-did.’”
Sam stopped a smile that tried to curl the corners of her lips. “I should’ve known you’d have a story about them.”
Rayne shrugged. “Guess I’m weird like that.”
Sam had never considered Rayne weird. Different? Yes, but in a very good way. “Not weird. Different.” She faced the park. “So really, what are you doing here?” she asked much softer this time, as she truly wanted to know what had been happening in Rayne’s life to lead her here.
“Jazlyn invited me. Violet had to take call this weekend, so she asked me to come with her.”
The universal signs Gentry spoke of seemed to be keeping Sam and Rayne’s life intertwined. Sam turned to look across the park. It seemed unimaginable that Rayne had become friends with the two people Sam considered to be her truest of friends. “And how’d you two become friends?”
“I met her when I went to the Pineapple Post.”
Sam snapped her head back toward Rayne. “Why were you there? Why did you even go there?”
“I overheard Kylie talking about it.”
“Oh? And what? You hear the Queen Lesbian Conqueror talking about a lesbian bar and you just had to go? Please tell me you didn’t get with her after I left.” As if a snap of a finger, Sam’s anger sparked by an ignitable jealousy returned.
“Why do you say that? Why do you keep assuming I’ve been with another woman?”
“I do believe lesbian bars are filled with lesbians. Why else go unless you’re looking for one?”
“I wasn’t looking for another woman when I went.” Rayne’s voice was filled with frustration. She looked down at the bench. “I was looking for myself.”
“It didn’t look that way to me. Looked like you were trying to sew some wild oats before the big wedding day. You were nearly making out with Mo on the dance floor. Geez, Rayne, why don’t you try to have some decorum and keep your little lesbian trysts discrete?” Sam’s words were overflowing with the jealousy that filled her. She couldn’t shake the image of Mo’s hands all over Rayne. Every single time it became present, it gave fresh momentum to her growing bitterness.
Rayne swallowed hard enough to be heard. She stared into the tiny moon’s reflection as it glowed a skinny line of sparkle across the small pond. She didn’t speak for several minutes. Sam watched as Rayne tried to regain composure. Regretful for her tone, sorrowful for the feelings she had expressed, Sam released her grip even more upon Rayne’s hand. This time, Rayne didn’t fight it. She let their embrace fade until they hardly held hands any longer.
“It’s not like that,” she finally said.
They sat in the immediate comfort of their silence. Rayne bent her knee between them to rest it on the bench. She turned to Sam. “Sam, I don’t know what all of this means. Why I’m here. I see these women being together so openly and yeah, it makes me know there is something beyond what I’ve always been taught it would be like. I understand why Jazlyn wanted me to come, but it doesn’t change what I feel.”
Rayne kept her eyes focused on anything but Sam and did everything she could not to make eye contact. Instinctively, Sam knew Rayne was hiding the emotions within her eyes. If she looked directly at her, everything she was trying to find the right words for would be freely shown. Sam began to feel uncomfortable as Rayne stared at her body. She felt her shirt hanging off of her shoulders and chest. She hadn’t noticed her weight loss until she tried on her once favorite shirt and jeans. The belt she used to tighten her jeans dug into the skin below her belly button. She shifted her position on the bench and brushed a strand of hair away from her eyelashes. The shortened length from her recent haircut by Gentry didn’t stay tucked behind her ear. In the continued silence from Rayne, Sam’s thoughts floated toward the night when Gentry cut her hair. Quickly, they flowed past their escapade on the couch to the sound of Gentry’s voice in the tent as she told her of the scars left on both her body and her soul. She looked at the small pond and remembered watching Gentry for what seemed hours as she stood at the water’s edge.
“It doesn’t change that it’s still only you,” Rayne said softly.
Caught somewhere else and with surprise to her words, Sam’s mouth fell open. This time, she let Rayne’s words fall over her. Could she say the same? Could she confess it was still only Rayne? The arch of her lips held the surprise and perhaps guilt in how easily she had drifted to think of Gentry.
“Among all of these women, it’s still only you.” Rayne picked up Sam’s hand and rubbed the back of it lightly across her face. Sam felt the tip of Rayne’s tongue as she brought it to her parted lips. The sensation sent a swarm of butterflies through her as Rayne searched her eyes. Rayne reached up, ran her thumb across Sam’s jawline, and continued along the side of her neck. Sam felt her fingers flow through her hair before her hand trailed along the back of her neck. Her eyes softened within Rayne’s touch. She gave in to the urging of Rayne’s hands to pull her closer to her lips. She felt Rayne’s breath upon her lips and watched as she closed her eyes to their proximity. Rayne’s heart beat fast and hard against Sam’s chest as her whole body hummed with the missing of Rayne’s lips. The softness of them against her own. Desperation to the point of sheer ache filled her with the hopes of feeling them again. This was followed quickly by another form of ache. Heartache. She felt the pain of the loss of her kiss deep within her. She had missed the softness of her lips and how her kiss had made her feel more alive than she had ever felt before. Suddenly, she began to fear the reliving of both the heaven and hell of kissing Rayne. She stopped the touch of their lips by placing her finger upon Rayne’s lips.
Sam let her forehead fall against Rayne’s. “I can’t,” she whispered.
“Why?” Rayne peppered Sam’s finger with kisses of urgency for more.
Sam dropped her finger from Rayne’s lips and inhaled deeply. “I barely survived our last kiss, Stormy. I dare not tempt fate and try again.”
“I’m so in love with you that I can’t breathe when you’re near me.” Rayne’s breath was warm against Sam as she pleaded and tried to pull her closer.
Sam scooted away from her and reached up to grab Rayne’s hand that she had resting on the back of the bench. She pulled it up into the air between them. “And this?” She tapped the ring on Rayne’s left finger. The ring that signified the end of their once hopeful relationship. It was the physical evidence to one of the insurmountable obstacles that had kept the two women apart.
Rayne’s facial expression began to change. Her eyebrows furrowed and her lips tightened. Sam noticed the clinch in Rayne’s jaw as her eyes narrowed to focus on the ring upon her finger. Her hand closed in a fist to whiten the skin over her knuckles. It held a forceful tremor with the tension in her arm.
“Aren’t you engaged to Grant?”
“Sam…don’t. Don’t bring that up right now.” Rayne’s voice held anger within it.
“Why not, Rayne?”
“Because,” Rayne paused as she looked up at the moon. She again clinched her jaw and left it tightened as she spoke, “because I know I’m not marrying him.”
“Does he know that?”
Rayne placed her hands across Sam’s face and urged her to look into her eyes. “I’m telling you I love you. Please don’t do this. I need time. We need time. Time to get it all worked out. It’s not easy for me and
I know it’s not easy for you.”
“But you said yes. You didn’t have to say yes. I was there. I was in that room when he proposed. You had me but you let me go and you said yes.”
Rayne vigorously shook her head. “No, no. That’s not true and you know it. I didn’t let you go that night. You left. There’s a big difference. I know what I asked that night wasn’t right. I know my mistakes, but I needed you to stay and help me work it all out. Be with me and support me while I did. But you said you couldn’t. It broke every single part of me when you left. Not a moment goes by that I don’t think about you.” Rayne reached up and rubbed the cicada charm. “I didn’t say yes. I didn’t say anything. He and Charlie Grace started planning things as if I had. I was just too broken and numb to argue.” She ran the charms along the chain which held them as she spoke.
“Rayne, you wanted me to fit into your perfect picture. You wanted me to guarantee you what it would be like so you could plan it out just like you plan everything in your life out. But life’s plan isn’t a guarantee. It’s ever-changing and you have to be ready to make those changes. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be that for you. Don’t you get it?”
“No, not really. We could’ve been together while I made those changes.” Rayne grabbed Sam’s hands and squeezed them tighter with each word.
“But I needed you to make the changes on your own. I needed you to realize who you were without it being dependent on me.”
Rayne released her hold of Sam’s hands and let her own drop in her lap. “So, I’m to blame for losing us because I wasn’t ready or because I didn’t know who I was. I don’t think that’s fair. You showed me a life I’d never imagined. Loving you changed everything I had ever seen my future to be and you left because I didn’t accept all of those changes immediately. As if something like that wouldn’t take time to adjust to.”
In truth, Sam had not given thought to the what-ifs of what was to be after the proposal had Rayne chosen her instead. In her eyes, it was the natural choice of things. She had fallen in love with her. She hadn’t considered nor appreciated the consequences Rayne would have had to face with that choice. She was slowly starting to realize this with Rayne in front of her. The look in her eyes, the pain in her words, and the withdrawal in her mannerisms spoke far more to her than Rayne had ever done before. “No, it’s not fair, and it’s not entirely you. I let you take the blame for it. I’m sorry for that.” Sam reached for Rayne’s hand. “Stormy, you changed me too. You changed everything I saw for my future too. I saw you. I saw us. I wanted us so bad. For as hard as it was for you, it was equally hard for me. I didn’t know who that person was or how to even be someone’s girlfriend. I ran.”
“But you’re here now. It’s not too late. We can have another chance. We can work it all out together.”
Sam thought of Gentry, the woman who had given her breath again. The woman who had shown her another life she could have, as well as another side of herself. She thought of the taste of car exhaust on her tongue as she had walked the Atlanta streets and its contrast to the sea air blowing in through the patio doors of her condo. She thought of Big Blue and the times she had shared with Gentry in it. The life she had once pegged as her future was no more. She couldn’t go back. Although, she hadn’t quite yet figured out exactly where forward was either. The conversation in Gentry’s bed was all too present in her head. There didn’t seem to be a forward there either. Not one in a relationship sort of way. Not one she had once hoped to have with Rayne or possibly even the one Rayne seemed to be offering, even if not in the perfect package she had once imagined. Yet, there was more to Maine to draw her back than its scenery. “I can’t, Stormy. I’m not back.” She stuttered on her words as she thought of Gentry’s growing belly. She owed it to Gentry to return to help her through the pregnancy even if there didn’t seem to be more that would become of it. More than owed, she wanted to return to help Gentry. She had been let down by so many in her life. Sam wouldn’t be another name on that list. “And…I’ve got someone I need to get back to.”
“Oh,” Rayne said flatly. She pulled her hand from Sam’s and tucked it between her thighs. “I see.”
“No, you don’t.” Sam pulled her knee up against her chest. “Because I still don’t fully see myself. I’m still trying to figure out me. In much the same way as you’ve been trying to find you, I’ve been trying to find myself. I didn’t know what I truly wanted until you showed me.” She pulled at the frayed strands of the hole in her jeans. “I didn’t tell you why I was here. My parents are getting a divorce. Mother finally asked the old bastard for a divorce. I’m here for her. See, Rayne, he had it all planned out too. His whole life, her, me. We were all according to his plan. And then one day we weren’t. I don’t want to be my mother. She stayed in his plan until the day she couldn’t breathe. I want my own plan. I want to know my own path. You showed me how much more of life I wanted. I fell so hard for you that I forgot the reality of the situation. I wanted the fairy tale.”
Sam turned on the bench to face Rayne fully. Remorsefully, she wiped the tear from Rayne’s cheek. “Falling in love with you made me realize I wanted more than sex, more than one-night stands. I want it all. I want love and sacrifice and commitment. I want the woman who loves me to fight against all consequences of what it means to do so. Maybe if you hadn’t changed that in me, then I could be what you’re asking of me. But I can’t. I can’t wait on the sidelines or hide in the closet loving you in secret while you pretend we’re only friends. Even if it isn’t about just Grant. You’re not ready to live in anything but secret. I’m sorry. I want the fairy tale. But the truth is, the fairy tale is mine to make. To me, it’s all about timing. We weren’t ready for one another. We still aren’t.” Sam couldn’t take seeing the tears continue to fall from Rayne’s eyes. Nor could she continue to let her own fall. As she spoke, she knew the truth of her and Rayne. It hadn’t been their time before and it wasn’t their time now. They had to accept that and move on with their lives. The pain of sitting so close to one another, the continued fight against what was assuredly not going to happen in the immediate future, was nothing more than torture. It was time to end it—at least for now. Sam stood up, ran her fingertips underneath her eyes to dry them, and brushed the bench dust from her jeans. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I will always love you.”
“So, this is goodbye again?” Rayne choked back the tears streaming through her words.
“I hope not.” Sam loved her too much to say goodbye to her again. It nearly killed her the last time. Filled with hope of another time for them, she turned, and walked away. As she reached the light of the lamp beside the sidewalk, she stopped. The strength in her stride was stripped from her. She feared any attempts to further walk away from Rayne would cause her to tumble to the ground. She leaned against the pole to strengthen herself. The tickle of Rayne’s breath against her lips was felt in the breeze that gently blew against her. She looked back at the bench where Rayne still sat. She prayed for the strength not to run to her and take her in her arms. She wanted to pull her up off of the bench, fall helplessly into her, and kiss her until the answers as to how they could be together came to her. As if Rayne sensed everything her body questioned, she stood up from the bench. Sam inhaled deeply as she let her body imagine Rayne in her arms. As Rayne began to run to her, Sam realized that’s all they could do—run. Run from everything. Run from the truth of who they were to each other. Run from Grant. From Charlie Grace. From Gentry and the baby. They would run from it all. But then she felt the uncontrollable love they had for one another. The intense pureness of it from the very beginning of knowing one another. There was an innocence to how they had fallen in love with each other. Hurting all of those who they would run from would tarnish the pureness of it. It would shadow it perhaps to a degree which could not be healed. Sam couldn’t let that happen. The love she and Rayne had for one another was the most perfect thing in her life. S
he had to protect it. With all of the strength she had, she held up her hand to stop Rayne’s advance, pushed her back off of the post, and hurriedly walked from the park. She looked up at the fingernail moon and whispered, “Let her see how much I love her. Please just let her see.”
Chapter 18
“What a day,” Timber said as she entered Sam’s office. She took her lab coat off and hung it on the hook behind Sam’s door. Slowly, she rolled her broad shoulders. She was a woman short in stature but not one defined as petite. Her frame was thick and muscular. She was an active, outdoorsy kind of woman who was quite well-equipped to handle any job, from wood splitting to lobster fishing to delivering babies. She plopped down in the chair across from Sam’s desk and pulled a stool over next to her. In one quick movement, she shed her clogs and propped her feet up. “This one I’m happy to say is done.”
“It sure is.” Sam initialed the lab results in front of her.
“The last of ours delivered at noon. Clinic is empty. No one is cooking for a delivery tonight and the locum from the hospital is on call even if someone happens to surprise the ER.” She twisted her long, strawberry, blonde hair into a bun, stuck a pencil in it, and rested her neck against the chair. “If I start snoring, please wake me,” she said jokingly.
“Will do.”
Timber rolled her head to the side. “What are you working on over there? It’s quitting time.”
“I’ve got a few labs and charts to go over before I go.”
“Can’t they wait until tomorrow?”
“It’s no problem. I don’t mind staying.”
