by Loretta Lost
“Lucy told me,” he says, and his voice is shaking. “You had no right.”
“I only did what she asked—”
“You should have called me,” he says through gritted teeth. His hand trembles ever-so-slightly, and I realize that he is actually going to pull the trigger. “Do you know how fragile her mental health is? Have you fought to pull her back from the brink of suicide for years because of what that man did? You have no idea. You risked her life so you could keep her to yourself, because you knew she would never choose you under normal circumstances. You liked the fact that she was traumatized because it meant she was pliable. You just wanted to fuck a broken girl.”
“No!” I shout, angrily. “Cole, I haven’t touched her. I swear to you. I tried, but I could see that she wasn’t in any condition—”
The look on his face is one of such disgust. And boredom. It happens so fast that I feel like he pulls the trigger to keep from vomiting at the sight of me. To keep me from wasting any more space on this planet. I’m not expecting it, so I can only stare with my lips slightly parted as his finger violently yanks the trigger. There is an impact against my forehead, and a sound.
And then the world goes black.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Sophie Shields, 2016
Tears are gathering in my eyes as I come to terms with the possibility that Cole is actually sitting behind me. I place my coffee cup on the wooden deck hesitantly.
“Zack called you?” I ask again.
“He did.”
His hand brushes some of my hair off my cheek, and I cringe in embarrassment. Since Benjamin stripped my hair of its color, the texture hasn’t been the same. It was usually dark and shiny and thick, but since then, it has been frizzy, dull, and lifeless. I don’t want Cole to see how ugly I’ve become.
There are also new scars all over my body, on which I should probably apply makeup. I know he’s seen my scars before, but these are new. These are fresh, and I fear they might change the way he feels about me. I don’t want to turn around, and let him see how freshly destroyed I am.
It was fine to let Zack see, because Zack couldn’t really see. I never really let him in entirely. I maintained a distance, of sorts, to keep us both safe. But maybe, over the past few days—he finally saw that I wasn’t the cool, clearheaded, cosmopolitan girl he thought I was.
Dread starts to spread in my chest. That’s why he couldn’t touch me. He stopped loving me. I must be completely unlovable now. So why has Cole bothered to show up? Even if this is a dream, I’m not worth his time. He’s going to leave, too. Just like my parents. Just like my brother.
“Zack was worried,” Cole says softly.
“I guess he couldn’t handle me, with the way I am right now,” I say with a shrug, trying to pretend I don’t care. “He didn’t know I was so fucked up. I was easier to love, before. When he only saw the surface.”
“No, Scarlett. He does love you, and he sees that you’re suffering. He told me about Joy.”
“What?” I gasp, letting my face fall into my hands. “Why would he do that to me? That bastard. I told him I didn’t want you to know. I couldn’t bear for you to know.”
“But you did tell me,” he says quietly, “in a dream.”
Turning around in surprise, I almost expect not to find anyone sitting there. I must be asleep again. I must have dozed off on the dock, and this is only another appearance of the amazing Dream Cole.
But there he is, in flesh and blood, sitting close to me. There are dark shadows under his eyes, like he hasn’t slept in days. I haven’t seen those dark circles since our college exams.
Reaching out to place my fingertips on his cheek, I tentatively trace the dark circles. His eyes are also bloodshot and puffy, like he’s been crying. I swallow down a lump of emotion. If this is an apparition, it’s in complete and flawless technicolor.
I let my hand fall away from his face, but he catches it in his own. I stare at his fingers, trying to confirm that this is real. It’s so hard to know what is reality, and what is in my head, these days. That’s what happens when you spend all your days mostly sleeping, after being mostly drugged.
“Cole,” I demand quietly. “Are you really here?”
“Where else would I be?” he asks, almost incredulous. “Is there anywhere on this planet I belong, other than beside you?”
I bite my lip stubbornly. “But I tried to escape the country to get away from you.”
“Come on,” he says with a hint of a grin. “If you really want to escape, you gotta go a lot farther than Canada.”
I glare. “You weren’t supposed to look for me.”
“After what happened the last time you disappeared—there was no way I was going to let you do that again. It’s my fault, too, you know. I didn’t fight hard enough. I should have known something was wrong. I did know, deep down.”
My eyes fall, and I think about my pregnancy. I think about Joy. I think about everything that Benjamin said and did. I pull my hand away from Cole and wrap my arms around my middle.
“I don’t think you should stick around,” I say with a soft warning. “I’m not okay.”
He moves closer and encircles my body with his arms, until I feel very small, warm, and protected. There is something fatherly about his touch—not that I know much about that. Brotherly, maybe. Yes—because once upon a time, he used to be my brother.
“My love,” he says against my hair with a heavy sigh. “When have you ever been okay?”
This makes the corner of my lips twitch upward.
Yes. Brotherly Cole is as comforting as Dream Cole. Teasing me while holding me. Being solid as a rock. Being my strength in this moment when I have none. It’s so easy for him.
“Zack says he hasn’t touched you?” he asks.
I stiffen slightly. “Why? Would you be jealous if he did?”
“I just want to know, Scar. I want to know everything that has happened to you, every second you’ve been away from me. No matter how difficult it is for me to take—or for you to take.”
Leaning closer to him, I bury my face in his neck, breathing in his scent. It’s different than it was in my memory. It’s less cologne and sandalwood. It’s more actual human being.
“Zack wouldn’t have sex with me,” I tell him quietly. “Probably because I kept flinching, or crying, or blacking out. Maybe it’s not a turn on that I was recently raped. Or maybe it’s because Snow ate Benjamin’s penis.”
Cole chuckles. “Please do tell her thank you for me. Because if Snow hadn’t done that, I would have definitely needed to do it myself. And I hear that sort of thing is an acquired taste.”
A real smile breaks my tired lips. I feel like I haven’t smiled in years. Now that Cole is beside me, it feels like it’s okay to be myself again. I feel like I’ve been on a long journey, and have finally come home. I realize that I am gripping his arm too tightly, and I try to stop. I am scared he will disappear. I am scared that if I say or do something wrong, this perfect embrace will end.
“You don’t think… I went too far?” I ask him. “Killing Benjamin?”
He shakes his head immediately. “My only regret is that I didn’t do it myself. I’m sorry, Scar. That man needed to die years ago.”
“He was so old,” I mumble. “I can’t believe he was able… to do half the things he did to me.”
“He’ll never hurt anyone else,” Cole promises, holding me close. “You ended this, once and for all. You’re a hero, Scar. You’re a champion. You survived.”
They are only words. Still, it touches my heart to think he might mean them. I’m not a horrible person in his eyes? I didn’t realize how concerned I was with seeming monstrous to Cole. But he knows who I am. Whatever craziness that means, it’s okay with him. Because he accepts me. And he actually loves every insane, complicated part of me.
It’s completely dark out now, save for the mild crescent moon, and my skin is covered in goosebumps from the chilly night air. I look t
oward the cottage where Zack and Joy are staying, and I see the lights on. They are probably waiting up for me, but I can’t bring myself to go back just yet.
“Cole,” I say pleadingly, reaching up for the collar of his shirt. “Do you still… want me?”
He lets out a soft chuckle. “What kind of ridiculous ass question is that?”
“Even after I disappeared with Zack?”
“It did hurt,” he says in a low voice. “It hurt that you didn’t call me the second you were free. But I understand that extreme situations… make us act out of fear. I knew that nothing had changed between us. Nothing will ever change between us. You’ve always disappeared inside yourself to deal with your pain, Scar. I just needed to find you and let you know that I’m here for you. No matter what. No matter what we do, no matter what happens. We’re family. You’re the only damn thing that matters to me in this miserable world. I’ve told you that a thousand times, and I’ll keep saying it until you believe it.”
Something inside me changes. Not a huge change, but a little spark of warmth begins. I feel… together. As insane as it sounds, in this moment I feel completely whole. I feel completely healed just to be close to him again. Well, almost completely.
Tilting my chin up, I press a kiss against the stubble on his chin. I taste his salty sweat, as though he hasn’t showered in a while and has been driving all night. I can smell coffee on his breath—the most scintillating scent discovered by man, at this point in history. I lean closer, seeking his lips.
He doesn’t hesitate to lean down and capture my mouth against his, grasping the back of my head with one hand and drawing me closer. I feel my body melt against his, and all sense of reality fades away. I am floating, and sinking at the same time, and completely drowning in him.
I didn’t know I was so desperate to drown.
He kisses me deeply, once, twice. He kisses me until I cannot breathe. “Is that better?” he asks huskily.
I exhale, feeling more at peace now than I did by myself, staring at the pretty lake. I glance back at the crescent moon with tears in my eyes. Thank you, I tell her inwardly, because I have to thank someone. I screwed up so badly and messed everything up, but he’s still here somehow. Thank you. Turning back to look at his face, I feel tears slip down my cheeks. I slip my hands around his body, trying to get closer to him instinctively, obsessively.
He responds in a similar way, kissing me until I feel my body awaken. I don’t even need to try. I don’t even need to imagine anyone else. Is this real? Am I dreaming him? Could life ever actually be this perfect? I feel the need to warn him somehow. To explain.
“Cole,” I whisper, putting my hands on his chest to make him pause, “you don’t understand. After everything that happened, I needed you so badly.” I glance down at the wooden boards of the deck, with my heart pounding so fiercely it hurts. “I needed you more than it’s safe or healthy to need another person. I felt like I could destroy you with that need. I knew I would be so clingy it would disgust you. You would grow to hate me.”
“Scarlett,” he says, grasping my shoulders. “Don’t you know that’s the exact same way I need you? Every minute of every day? Every time I breathe, really. You’re always on my brain—you’re part of me. You’re what gives my life meaning.”
I can see the crescent moon reflecting in his eyes, just like the clear lake. I sigh, wanting to believe. “Help me,” I tell him, reaching for the buckle of his belt. “Help me forget everything bad. Everything that isn’t you. I just want to override it all.”
He grasps my waist and drags me onto his lap, holding me tightly against him as he rains kisses down my neck. He groans when I wrap my legs around him and close the distance between us, seeking his hardness, seeking his heat.
Cole begins to move with a certain sense of urgency as he places his hand under my back and leans forward to lower my body. I find myself lying flat on the dock as it extends over the water. My hand reaches out and knocks my coffee mug over, and spills all my precious coffee into the lake.
I don’t even care.
He reaches for the waistband of my pajama pants, sliding his fingers under the fabric and looking to me for confirmation.
“Do you want me?” he asks.
“Please,” I whisper. “Now.”
He slides my pants off, and quickly fumbles to remove his own before moving on top of me. He kisses and holds me as he enters me, without wasting any more time. I am ready for him, of course—I always am. He seems to understand how impatient I am for this, and moves quickly, in accordance with my need.
It feels like the most natural and healing thing I have ever experienced. The dock is a little uncomfortable against my back, but I don’t care. He moves with purpose, overwhelming my senses and clearing my mind until I only feel good. I don’t remember who I am, or where I’ve been. I don’t remember the pain. I only feel Cole, my Cole, as close to me as I’ve yearned to have him for all this time.
He moves inside me with a simple, perfect passion that makes me want to weep for all the time we’ve lost, not being this close. Not doing this. It makes me regret that I only have one lifetime to spend with him, and so little of it remaining. He loves me in a way that makes me feel like even ten lifetimes wouldn’t be close to enough time.
Lord knows, I’ve screwed this one up enough.
When he is done, he collapses on me, and we lay panting and sweaty in each other’s arms.
“Cole,” I say suddenly, as the tears drench my cheeks. “I have to tell you about Joy.”
“I know, my love.”
“Benjamin said—he said that I had your baby,” I whisper. “I didn’t know, Cole, I swear. I wanted to have your child. I don’t know how I could have—I would never—”
“Shhh,” he tells me, reaching for our clothes. He helps me get dressed before he puts on his own clothes. “I need to tell you something about Joy, okay? Will you come for a drive with me?”
“Sure. Where are we going? Should I go inside and change?
“Better not,” he says softly, glancing at the house. “Let’s not disturb Zack. I think he’s sleeping.”
Something about the way he says this puzzles me. “Are you sure? He doesn’t usually go to bed this early.”
He clears his throat while buckling up his pants. Once the clasp is done, he pulls a car key out of his pocket, spinning it on his finger. “Zack was really tired tonight, for some reason.”
“Did you meet her yet?” I ask him. “Did you meet Joy?”
“No, not yet,” he responds. “Just trust me, okay? I figured we should go for a drive, and talk about it.”
“Okay,” I say weakly, figuring I owe him that much.
I let Cole lead me over to his car, which seems to be a rental SUV. He opens my car door, before walking around to the driver’s side and starting up the engine. He glances over at me before driving away from the cottage, and out into the streets. He does not use his GPS, and he drives wordlessly for several minutes.
“So, how have you been?” I ask him, to break the awkward silence.
“Good,” he responds. “I found out that my parents were killed by the mafia.”
My eyebrows lift. “Wow. You’ll have to tell me more about that.”
“Soon,” he says, as he pulls down a small street.
Finally, he stops in front of a building.
I look at the building, and I look back at him, feeling betrayed. I shake my head, to indicate refusal.
“Please,” I tell him. “No.”
“Scarlett. Zack’s sister told us that you’ve spent the last week talking to a little girl that doesn’t exist. You’ve been feeding her, getting her clothes, reading her stories, and tucking her in at night. And he’s been too afraid to tell you, but I’m not afraid.”
My face contorts in shock. As soon as he says it, I know it’s true.
I picture Joy’s little face. I scan through every moment we’ve had together, replaying it in my mind like a movie. I scan t
hrough everything she said to me.
Turning around, I look in the direction of the little cottage, and I feel a sudden longing for her. I wonder if I’ll ever see her again. I feel my fantasies fading and crumbling.
“She’s me,” I say, feeling defeated. “She’s not my daughter. She’s… like Snow.”
“That’s very likely, my love. It would make sense.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “But it was so different. I saw her, I heard her… outside of me. Was I hallucinating?” I try to remember all the events that occurred with Benjamin. I realize that I was heavily under the influence of drugs, and seeing all kinds of nonsense. I lift my sleeve and glance down at the track marks on my arm. I look back at Cole with amazement. “She’s the innocent part of me that I was trying to protect from Benjamin,” I say in wonder. “She’s my childhood.”
“I know you did whatever you needed to do to survive,” Cole says. He places a hand on my leg and looks down at me guiltily. “I just think that… you need to get your life back. You need to get your mind back. If you don’t, you let him win.”
I cannot respond to this. I look at the building with fear.
“Listen,” Cole says. “I want you to know that I am not ‘sending you away’ or ‘having you committed.’ I will stand by your side, every step of the way, as you go through this. I just think that it’s far beyond the capabilities of Zack, Lucy, Snow, me, or anyone who loves you, to offer you help, now. It’s gotten too complicated, and you’ve been through too much.”
I nod slowly, although I can’t even begin to accept this. It aches deep in my stomach. “Maybe you’re right. It’s just hard to leave you right now. After you touch me like that, and…”
“Scar,” he says softly. “It’s hard for me to let you go, too. It’s something I never want to do, especially after the world has ripped us apart so many times already—including these past few weeks. But this is the best for both of us. You need to give it a shot, so we can have a future together. So that you can have a future at all.”
