by CD Reiss
I scanned the work list, then the line at the bottom for a signature. “I’m not the homeowner. It’s my mother’s house.”
“Oh.”
“I assume you can’t continue without the homeowner’s signature?”
He looked disappointed. The guy needed work, and I didn’t want to screw him out of it. I read the estimate again. I couldn’t afford the work, but since I found out Dr. Thorensen’s house would meet my house on the day of “the big one,” not getting it fixed was irresponsible.
“I’ll bring this to my mom to sign and let you know.”
He brightened. I didn’t know if I was lying or not. Maybe my mother would shell out the money to protect her property. I could mail her the permits to sign. Or fax them. Or carrier pigeon. Anything to avoid Castaic.
But as God was my witness, I would not let some guy who couldn’t trust me, and who put cameras on me, pay to fix my foundation or change my locks. Oh, fuck no.
My phone rang. Jonathan. I waved to Dave, and he walked to his truck. I answered the phone in a white heat. “I can’t do this,” I said.
“What happened? What are you talking about?” He was in a crowded place full of voices shouting. In my mind, I saw him pressing his finger to his other ear.
“I do not need to be watched. I don’t need you if you can’t trust me.” He didn’t answer. “Say something.”
“I just want to make sure you’re all right.”
“I’m. All. Right.” My voice was tight and firm, pure intention in every syllable.
“I didn’t think it was that big a deal.”
“Fuck? What? You don’t think it’s that big… Are you from another planet?” I paced my living room as Dave pulled his truck out of my driveway.
“Monica, calm down.”
“Calm… What? No! I will not calm down. This is serious. This is a problem. And you know what? I don’t have time for it. I don’t have time to describe to you proper boundaries outside the bedroom.”
“You’re out of line.”
“Don’t you use that voice with me now. You’re out of line.”
“Monica.”
“Jonathan.”
“I’m coming over there.”
“Don’t bother.”
I hung up.
Chapter 13
MONICA
I wanted to run. I wanted to somehow foil his stupid fucking plan to come over and soothe the common sense right out of me. But I had to shower and change to play at Frontage. Rhee and I had agreed to continue on a trial run, and I wanted to be my best, not all screwed up. When I got out of the shower, my phone was ringing. I picked it up without looking, thinking it was Jonathan.
“My doors are locked.”
“Okay?”
Fuck, not Jonathan. The caller ID identified the caller as Jerry, the producer I’d done a scratch cut with two weeks earlier.
“Hi, sorry. Thought you were someone else. How’s it going?”
“Good, I’m having drinks with Eddie Milpas tonight. He’s one of our acquisitions guys. You playing that dinner club?”
“Frontage, yeah.”
“You playing the song we cut?”
“I don’t usually play my own stuff. I can ask.”
“Do it. He’s looking for something, and I think you have it.”
My heart raced. “Thanks. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Great. Keep the doors locked.”
I hung up. It had been twenty minutes since Jonathan called. I stuffed my crap in a bag and ran out with my hair still wet.
Chapter 14
JONATHAN
“Lil.” I knocked on the window. “Forget Sheila. Take me to Echo Park.”
“Yes, sir.”
Turning around was no small feat. She had to crawl off the exit of the 134, crawl back on, and sit in rush hour traffic. Dinner with my favorite sister and attendant children was officially cancelled.
When I got to Monica’s house, she and her car were gone. I stood on the porch calculating my next move. She’d said something about a gig at Frontage, and I was tempted to go over there. I saw Dave pulling up the hill in his dually.
“Hey, Jon. The lady of the house home? I had a few more permits to pull.”
“Nope. What happened today?”
He leaned out his window and offered me a fry from a McDonald’s bag, which I refused. “What do you mean?”
“Did you say something about watching her?”
“No, man, I was watching, not telling.”
“When I said to keep an eye on her, it was a casual keeping an eye. Because she knows, and she’s pissed.”
“Sorry. I didn’t say anything. She did tag up that car with whipped cream. Don’t know what that was about.” He craned his neck to see the other side of the street. “Right there.”
I followed his gaze to a green minivan. I got a sinking feeling as I walked toward it. The whipped cream wasn’t just whipped cream. It was the kind from a can, and Monica was sending me a message.
I used my hankie to wipe the whipped cream away and saw a camera behind the glass.
Ah. She thought I did that. The thought had crossed my mind, but I did have boundaries.
And then the other question: who did it? Who wanted her watched?
I said good-bye to Dave and crawled back into the Bentley. “Lil, take me home.” I needed my car, and Lil had been driving all day. Monica would be trapped behind that piano. I could still make it.
Chapter 15
MONICA
“One song,” I said to Rhee. “The rest can be the same as we’ve always done.”
She chewed the inside of her lip, glancing around the room. It was already getting crowded. “What’s it sound like?”
“Like a woman on the piano,” I said. “Here are the lyrics.”
Asking permission to sing my own songs wasn’t something I would have accepted a month ago, but so much had happened, and I depended on the job at Frontage to keep Gabby’s memory alive.
The lyrics made me nervous, but I had to do it, just once. If I didn’t take opportunities when they presented themselves, they’d dry up.
“Little hardcore, sugar,” Rhee said. “Collar? Licking the floor?”
“It’s metaphorical.”
“I figured that.”
Of course she did. What woman would have to lay that out for a man literally?
“It’s important to me,” I said. “Someone’s coming to hear it. A producer and a record exec. And the composition, Gabby wrote it. I laid the lyrics over after…”
“Okay, okay.” She handed back the sheet. “You’re fine. Have fun. You deserve it.”
“Thanks, Rhee.” I dashed back to the dressing room. I’d played for Rhee earlier in the week to prove I could manage lyrics and music at the same time. I was only halfway into “Under My Skin” when she stopped me and told me I was fine to go back on my old schedule. I was happy for the distraction, but the feeling that Eugene Testarossa had been right, and Gabby had been redundant, nagged at the back of my mind. Some little guilt-inducing voice insisted that by playing her part, I was driving her deeper into the grave.
The dressing room was like a second home anymore, but it was lonely and my anger at Jonathan wasn’t good company. I put on my makeup and hummed my new song. When it was time to go into the dining room, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I hope you get carpal tunnel and a frog jumps down your throat.”
It wasn’t the same, but it was the best I had.
Chapter 16
JONATHAN
Nothing moved. The Jag was caught between a bus and a silver SUV. I should have brought the bike. I could have gone between the lanes and been there already. Even though I knew she wasn’t going anywhere, I wanted to see Monica right away. Had to. First, she was angry with me, and that fact bored a hole right through me. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to rush to her. Second, the surveillance equipment across the street just turned the dial up on my concern. That e
quipment wasn’t a joke. Someone was watching her. I didn’t know why, or who, but I could buy those answers with money and time. One, I had plenty of. The other, I’d have to manufacture.
“Margie,” I said when my oldest sister picked up her phone. She was fifteen years my senior and had been more of an aunt to me. Her law firm had a huge criminal litigation division and billed thousands of hours keeping celebrities from going to jail.
“Jonny, you never call anymore.”
“Because I don’t have any problems.”
“But tonight? You have a problem?”
“Are you sitting?” Western Avenue opened up just as I had to turn down Santa Monica Boulevard. Too bad all the money in the world wouldn’t buy me a flying fucking car.
“Sure, I’m sitting.”
“There’s a woman.”
“You just gave me a migraine. That poor girl. What did you do to her?”
I’d squirmed when she litigated my divorce and I had to tell her it was about sex; what kind of sex and how I’d been rebuffed. She needed details and received them only after I’d drunk half a bottle of scotch.
“It’s not that,” I said. “She and I, we’re good. It’s something else.”
“Where does one find a woman who likes—”
“Enough.” I knew all the wisecracks already. “I’m not in the mood, Margie. I found a camera outside her place. Temporary surveillance inside a car. I need her house swept for more. I think you might know someone who could do it.”
“Do you have access?”
“No, and irony of ironies, I just had new locks put in.”
“You’re not doing that controlling thing again, are you, Jonny?”
“Just round people up and I’ll get you access. Okay?”
“She might like it when you’re bossy—”
I hung up. My sisters knowing I had a kinky streak wasn’t easy. Another thing I could thank Jessica for.
I got Hank on the phone at the next red light.
“Jaydee.”
“Did you burn those drawings?”
“Not yet.”
“Can you pack them up and have them to my Wilshire office tomorrow morning?” I asked.
“You want them packed to archiving standards?”
“No. Put them in an envelope. No more. I’ll let you know how to proceed.” I hung up.
I was sure it was Kevin. He’d been at the funeral and could have planted cameras then. Video of Monica entering and exiting the house would be perfect for an installation, especially with her music over it. Another homage to a breakup. He knew her well enough to know that once he presented her with the footage in the completed work, she’d buckle and let it happen for the sake of art and her career. Or he’d neglect to mention it until the show was installed. She’d be even less likely to gripe since her name would be on the thing already. A humiliating stab in the back. If there were cameras inside the house, I would have to kill him.
I felt as if every cell in my body needed to be near Monica. To protect her from whoever watched her and to soothe her anger at me. I just had to brave the traffic and the ridiculous synchronization of the lights on Santa Monica Boulevard.
Chapter 17
MONICA
With Gabby gone and the promotional machine at a standstill, the room’s body count went back to normal. It was the same-sized crowd as the first night we’d played: just tables and a few people waiting at the bar. Any buzz we’d had about our shows died with Gabby. Basically, I was starting from scratch, which was fine. I didn’t think I could take much more than that without her to lean on.
The table by the warm speaker had a RESERVED sign. Jerry and Eddie were meant to sit there, if they came at all. I said hello to some lovely couples by the front and asked if they had any requests, which I’d play if I knew. A group of frat boys had heard about me and come for dinner. They were half drunk already, and their appetizers hadn’t even arrived, so I didn’t linger. I made a last visual sweep around the room and cast my eyes to Rhee. She was leading two women to a table in the corner. I recognized both of them. One was Jonathan’s sister Deirdre. One was his ex-wife.
My skin burst into tingles and my throat closed. I couldn’t feel my fingertips. Then I remembered I was playing that song. Jonathan’s song. I hadn’t shown it to him or told him about it yet. Jessica would hear it. And she would know.
She would know.
I wasn’t ashamed of what I was doing with Jonathan, but letting her hear my fears as if I’d whispered them in her ear was sickeningly intimate. A cold trickle of regret ran down my back. I should never have made the thing, never written it down, never set it to Gabby’s music. Though I wasn’t hiding it from Jonathan, at the very least, I should have shown it to him before playing it publicly. I hadn’t even thought of that.
I sat down at the piano and touched the keys. No, I’d skip it. Play something else. Jerry wasn’t there, so no one would be the wiser. Rhee didn’t really care. I started playing. Yes, I’d hide behind Irving Berlin, then Cole Porter. I’d stay safe. I’d still paint them the colors of Jonathan. I’d still feed them his lust, his touch, his voice. But Jessica would never hear it because I was protected by dead men’s lyrics.
I was coming off “Someone to Watch Over Me,” the middle of my set, when I saw Jerry with two men at the bar. He tipped his glass to me. They weren’t sitting at the table. Stopping by, maybe? Well, shit. I’d have to play it.
With the lights in my face, blinding me to half the room, Jessica didn’t loom as large. After warming up with the standards I knew so well and hiding behind that shiny, black baby grand, I didn’t feel as vulnerable. I could play that song.
I could do it. I could belt it out. Fuck her. Fuck her to Sunday. Fuck her with the lights on. Fuck her fuck her fuck her. It was my room. My song. My audience. My rules.
Rule number one? Fuck her.
I hit the keys, owning them, and I launched into Jonathan’s song as though he was naked and I was jumping him.
* * *
We wove words under Popsicle trees,
The ceiling open to the sky,
And you want to own me
With your fatal grace and charmed words.
All I own is a handful of stars
Tethered to a bag of marbles that turns
* * *
Oh, her ears would burn off at the mention of Popsicle trees and a ceiling open to the stars but guess what?
Fuck her.
My questions and fears were pregnant with heated longing, a desire for encouraging answers, begging for appeasement. My list of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors became a list of exciting possibilities.
* * *
Will you call me whore?
Destroy me,
Make me lick the floor,
Twist me in knots,
Turn me into an animal?
Will I be a vessel for you?
* * *
Slice open our lying box
Through a low doorway for our
Shoulds and oughts.
Choose the things I don’t need,
No careless moments, no mystery.
And you need nothing.
My backward bend doesn’t feed.
* * *
And just to call to her, just because she’d hurt me, and just because I could, I changed the last chorus on the fly, turning questions into statements.
* * *
I will own you.
Tie you.
I will collar you
Hurt you,
Hold you, and take you.
You will be a vessel for me.
* * *
For all my inner ferocity, the song had to complement the rest of the set, so I didn’t scream or wail. I didn’t hit the top of my range, but the ragged emotion was there as I hit the last note at low, dinnertime volume. A whisper even. I moved right into “Stormy Weather.” The lights blacked out for half a second. Jerry and his buddies were leaving, blocking the spots. I felt a core of r
elief. I didn’t think I could deal with managing them and Jessica.
I finished my set, thanked my audience, looked humbled for the applause, and strode back to the dressing room with my chin up. I didn’t start shaking until I got the door closed and locked. My breath became ragged and my eyes filled. Jesus, fuck, what was she doing there? With Deirdre? Who was going for gold in the family Olympics, for fuck’s sake? God damn it. Which lie was incoming? Which bomb would she drop? I would stay in the dressing room. I’d tell Rhee I was too upset about Gabby to do the good-byes, and I’d stay in there until the bar closed.
That actually seemed like a viable plan, but when I scrolled through my contacts so I could text Rhee an apology, I slid past Debbie’s number. Her words came back to me as if whispered in my ear.
Be a woman of grace.
Yeah.
Maybe it was time to grow up. Maybe if I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong and if I stood by my right to be with any man I liked, I didn’t have a reason to hide in a filthy dressing room.
I texted Rhee.
—I’m a little upset about Gabby—
She got right back with a bloop.
—Can I do anything?—
—If you could bring back two
Jameson’s? One shot and one on
the rocks for my nerves?
And I’ll be out right after—
—Sure sugar—
I straightened my dress, wiped mascara from under my eyes, and reapplied my lipstick. A waitress came. I cracked the door to thank her for the drinks and remove them from her tray.
