“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” he demanded. “I’m finally getting everything I’ve always wanted. For years, I’ve thought of nothing else. Becoming a SEAL is my destiny. I thought you knew that. I thought you understood this was going to happen someday.”
“Logan,” I began slowly. My voice was shaking slightly and I had to close my eyes to focus properly. “I am happy for you and I do understand, but can’t you see how upsetting it is for me? You just told me you’re leaving and you don’t seem the slightly bit upset by it.”
“Why would I be upset?” he asked. He threw his hands up in frustration. “I have everything I want. I’m going to be a SEAL. I’ll be training in Coronado by the end of the week. And, I have y…”
“So, then go,” I snapped.”
“What?” he asked. I watched as his face fell.
“Just go,” I repeated. “If you’re so happy to be leaving, then leave. You don’t have to stick around and rub my face in it.”
Logan looked at me like I had slapped him.
I couldn’t believe he would be so heartless as to smile through our breakup. How could he tell me he was leaving and not even act a little sad?
“Piper,” he began. “What the hell is wrong? Where is this coming from?”
“You’re leaving me and you’re happy about it,” I blurted out. Tears were forming in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them from overflowing.
“Is that what you think?” Logan laughed weakly. He slid closer to me and held both of my hands in his. “Piper, I’m not leaving you.”
“So, you aren’t going to Coronado?” I asked.
“No, I am,” he nodded. “But that doesn’t mean we have to be over.”
“What does it mean then?” I asked.
“Well,” he began. I could see the wheels in his head turning as he tried to work through his thoughts.
“You haven’t even thought about it, have you?” I asked, the pain evident in my voice.
“I just found out this morning, Piper,” he said defensively. “I haven’t had time to work everything out yet.”
“There’s nothing to work out,” I said weakly. I turned my head and took a giant swig of my drink. I stared down at the table angrily and tried to keep more tears from falling.
“What does that mean?” he asked. His voice sounded so small, so unlike Logan, that I looked up in surprise. He was staring at me, his eyes searching mine. I didn’t have an answer to his question. All I knew was that my heart was breaking and I couldn’t make it stop.
“It means,” I began. “You didn’t even stop to think about what this would mean for our future. Which tells me we don’t have one.”
“Piper,” Logan said, his words pleading for resolution.
“There’s nothing else to say,” I said quickly, not wanting to drag out the conversation any more than we already had. A quick goodbye would be best for both of us.
“I’m sorry,” he said. His head sagged and he stared down his hands which were once again wrapped tightly around mine. I watched him and waited for him to say something else.
Anything else.
But he didn’t.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I pulled my hands free and stood up.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“What’s the point in hanging around any longer?” I asked. Every part of me was aching.
“To say goodbye,” he suggested. “We won’t see each other for a long time and…”
“It all ends just the same,” I said, cutting him off. “Whether I sit here with you for another three hours or not for another second, nothing will change. You’ll still leave and I’ll still be here.”
“Piper…”
I turned and left without looking back. I thought he would stand up and follow me outside, tell me he loved me or ask me to wait for him. Something. Anything at all.
When I pushed the door open and stepped out into the parking lot I knew I was hoping for nothing. The cool evening breeze hit my face and quickly dried the tears that were still on my cheeks.
Despite the pain that accompanied that memory, it still wasn’t the worst I’d felt. The worst pain came later. After Logan left town. After I realized he wasn’t going to try to see me before he did. After I realized that night in Kellan’s was our last night together. After I had spent hours crying myself to sleep and wishing, more than anything, that I’d stayed in that booth just a little longer.
Ten
Piper
It had only been a week since my last conversation with Logan and still, I woke up with a stomachache almost every morning. I hated feeling like such a lovesick girl. Logan crossed my mind at least ten times a day. No matter how busy I was, he always found a way to creep back up and take over my thoughts. To remind me just how much I missed him.
I knew it was coming. Logan was always talking about the SEALs. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. And yet, it was. It knocked the wind out of me and damn near broke me. The worst part was his smile. It was like he was happy to be leaving me, like our entire relationship had just been him marking time until he could begin his real life.
Thinking about it made my stomach roll again. That morning, I shot out of bed and hurled myself into the bathroom. I threw up everything in my stomach, which wasn’t much, and curled into a ball on the floor. When Audra found me, she sat down next to me and rubbed my back slowly.
I rolled over to face her, knowing how pathetic I must seem to someone as strong as her.
“He’s just a boy,” I said, my voice weak. “I don’t know why it’s affecting me so much.”
“Because you love him,” she said gently.
“So, what?” I argued.
“So, it’s going to hurt for a while,” she said. “But, Piper, I don’t think that’s why you’re sick.”
“What do you mean?”
Audra sighed and reached behind her. Slowly, she laid a box down beside and brushed my hair off my face.
“I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
I frowned and watched her leave, closing the bathroom door softly behind her. When I looked down at the box in my hand I almost screamed. The pregnancy test Audra had given me felt like it was burning a hole in my hand.
I sat up quickly, fighting another wave of nausea. The box fell onto the floor and I stared at it for a few seconds. All I knew in that moment was that she was wrong. I wasn’t pregnant. Logan and I were always careful. I had been on the pill for two years. There was no way this could have happened.
Still, something tugged at the back of my mind. One night when we were drunk… After we left Kellan’s… Did we use protection that night?
I counted backward, realizing it had been about six weeks since that night and that I hadn’t had a period in almost two months.
My heart was pounding as I opened the box and took the test. When I laid it down on the bathroom floor to wait, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. For every single second of those three minutes, I watched the little screen waiting for it to tell me my fate.
When the plus sign appeared, my stomach rolled and I threw up again. Audra hurried into the bathroom and pulled my hair off my neck. I could feel her rubbing my back and I knew she knew. She’d known all along.
Heartbreak wasn’t the only thing Logan Alexander had left me with.
When the memories passed, I was still sitting on that curb with my head in my hands. Part of me wanted to stay there forever, but a bigger part forced me to my feet. Whether Logan was still there or not, I had to go back. My family would be worried. Audra had probably already verbally accosted Logan. I couldn’t hide forever.
Slowly, I walked through the streets until I reached Kellan’s. I went around the back so I could enter he way I left, but it didn’t matter. When I walked inside, the place was almost entirely empty. Only my mother and a few distant relatives were left.
“Where’d you go?” my mom asked as I walked up to her.
“Just had to clear my head,” I explai
ned.
“Uh huh,” she nodded and gave me a scrutinizing look. She didn’t say it, but I knew she’d seen me leave after Logan arrived.
“Audra take the kids home?” I asked.
“She did.”
“Do you need any help cleaning up?”
“No, I think we’ve got it handled.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll just meet you at home then.”
I turned to leave, when I felt her fingers brush against my arm. I looked up at her. Her eyes were watching me the same way they did that morning all those years ago. The morning Audra and I told her. She looked at me with concern and a motherly intuition I recognized all too well.
I waited for her to speak. She didn’t. She simply looked at me with so much understanding it made my eyes fill with tears. I stepped closer to her. She wrapped her arms around me and held me against her chest. I breathed in the familiar smell of her perfume and let myself relax for the first time since I arrived in Bradberry. Of all the things I missed, I didn’t realize how much I needed this.
When she let me go I wiped my eyes and left the bar without saying goodbye. Audra and Jack took the car and I didn’t want to wait for my mother, so I decided to walk home. It wasn’t far, just a couple miles, and it would give me a chance to clear my head before I saw the rest of the family. Especially Lilliana.
Eleven
Logan
I drove home from the wake with my head spinning. When I pulled into my driveway, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit still for long. Without going inside, I walked down the driveway and back into town. I didn’t know where I was going, I just knew I needed to move.
Seeing Piper didn’t go how I planned, but that wasn’t what was weighing on my mind. Piper running out of the pub left me feeling sad, but I could understand her desire to get away. Audra’s words were what made me rethink everything I thought I knew.
“I know it may have not seemed like anything to you, but what you and Piper had meant everything to her. You broke her heart.”
As I walked through town, I replayed my entire relationship with Piper. I remembered our conversations, our late nights together, all the time we spent talking about our hopes and dreams for the future. Back then, I thought we were on the same page. I thought Piper understood me better than anyone ever had or ever could.
Nothing could have been further from the truth. That much was obvious. What didn’t make sense is how I could have been so wrong, how I could have misconstrued the entire thing for the past five years. That last night in Kellan’s was so long ago, but it stood out vividly in my mind. She was angry at first. Sad. But, so was I. I explained why I had to leave and I thought she understood. I apologized. And she walked away. I could still see her curls disappearing through the front door and out into the parking lot. I remembered wanting to chase after her, but not knowing what I would say. She just needed time, I told myself. We would find our way back to each other. Surely, she felt that way, too?
Or did she? Was I just deluding myself all these years? Had my decision to leave destroyed all the feelings Pipers had for me? Had she spent the past five years hating me for choosing the SEALs over her?
Damn. I felt weaker than I had in months as these questions and memories overwhelmed me. My head was pounding as Audra’s words echoed in my mind. My arms and legs felt like jelly. My eyes and chest were heavy with crushing anxiety. I walked faster.
I walked the perimeter around the town square three times, just trying to work through my emotions, before I decided to sit down for a few minutes. Not five minutes after I found a bench, Piper crossed the street right in front of me. She was moving quickly, her hips swaying slightly. I could see every curve of her body beneath her tight dress. Her dark hair caught the light perfectly. It was captivating. I was on my feet instantly.
“Piper!” I called, hurrying over to her. She glanced behind her and I saw her deflate when she realized it was me who was calling out to her. She slowed down, but didn’t stop. I jogged until I could fall into step beside her. She crossed her arms protectively over her chest and raised her chin. Her eyes remained focused in front of her. The expression on her face was one I knew all too well. She wore that same look every time we argued. Whenever I said something stupid or upset her in some way, she would cross her arms, raise her chin, square her shoulders, and glare into the distance.
“Logan,” Piper said with the tiniest of nods.
“I was going to say hi at the wake, but you ran out of there pretty fast,” I said. I studied her face, waiting to see a reaction I recognized.
“Yeah, it was getting crowded back there,” Piper said without emotion.
“Well, it’s good to see you,” I said tentatively. “I’m sorry about your uncle.”
“Thank you.” Piper’s voice was cold and I all I wanted to do was crack the ice and see the real her again.
“How are your parents taking it?” I asked.
“They’re fine,” she said. “Sad. Like all of us.”
“Well, the wake was nice,” I said. “They did a great job. I’m sure Jeff would have loved it.”
“You didn’t even know him.”
“No, but I knew of him,” I reminded her. “You told me stories about your whole family, remember?”
“That was a long time ago, Logan,” she said. “Things have changed.”
“Like what?” I asked. There was a desperation in my voice I knew she could hear. Piper always knew me better than I knew myself.
“Everything,” she sighed. “Everything has changed.”
I walked beside her in silence. There were so many things I wanted to say, but none of them felt important enough. I glanced over at her every few seconds, hoping to catch her looking at me, but she never did. Her blue eyes were sparkling in the sunlight and she looked angrier than I’d ever seen her. Shit, the was going to harder than I thought.
It amazed me how someone could be so angry and so beautiful at the same time. Even when she wouldn’t look at me. Even when I could tell she wanted nothing more than to be rid of me, she was the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen.
“Not everything. You’re still just as beautiful as ever,” I said softly. Piper flinched and I immediately regretted my words. “I’m sorry.”
“What do you want, Logan?” she demanded.
“I just wanted to see you,” I explained. “To talk to you.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s been five years…”
“I know,” Piper said, her voice tight. “Which is why I don’t understand what good this will do. Why bother coming to Jeff’s wake? Or chasing me down now?”
“I told you, I just wanted to see you.”
Piper glared into the distance. She tightened her arms around her chest and picked up her pace. She walked faster, telling me without speaking that it was time for me to walk away. I didn’t. I couldn’t. Now that I was finally talking to her, I didn’t want to stop.
“No one told me you were back in town,” I said. I knew I sounded stupid, but I couldn’t stop myself. The words were flying out of my mouth at warped speed. I just wanted to hear her voice again.
“Why would they? You’re not important to me anymore, Logan.” The venom in her voice was like a punch to the stomach. My eyes never left her face. I waited to see if she would thaw even slightly, but she didn’t. Her eyes were focused on the sidewalk in front of us. She didn’t spare so much as a glance in my direction.
For years, I dreamt of what it would be like to see her again. I played her voice over and over in my mind when I was out on a mission or when training became too monotonous. It kept me calm, centered. My memories of here were my anchor. Now, when I was finally getting the chance to be with her, she couldn’t even bother to look at me.
Rage filled my body and I felt my face flush red. I told myself to stay calm, that she was just hurt after the way things ended between us. To me, we’d ended with a possibility for a relationship again in the future. To Piper, it must
have felt completely different.
Still, my disappointment got the better of me. The longer we walked without Piper sparing me a glance, the angrier I became.
“I don’t mean anything to you? Clearly. You couldn’t even call? Pick up the phone after all these years? After all the letters I wrote you?”
“No. And I never should have come back.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“So, I could keep avoiding all of this! You trying to pull me back in. Make me your girl again. I am not your girl Logan, and I never will be.”
“We’ll see about that.”
The words left my mouth before I realized what I was saying. She brought out the best and worst sides of me. My long-suppressed cockiness reared its ugly head again. In that moment, I knew it had been a mistake to let those words slip out, but I didn’t regret them. Not then and not later. Finally, Piper came to a full stop and turned to face me head on.
“What did you just say?” Her eyes were narrowed dangerously.
“I said you’ll be mine again, Piper,” I said.
“That’s not going to happen Logan,” she snapped.
“You’ve been wrong before.” I spat back at her before walking away.
Piper was my new mission, and this time, I wouldn’t fail.
Twelve
Piper
“Ian, I have been dreaming about these scones for so long,” I said into my phone. “You have no idea how amazing these things are.”
“Bring me back a few,” he suggested.
“Oh, I’m bringing back a dozen,” I assured him.
“That’s the fatty I know and love,” he teased.
“Watch it,” I warned. “You know I can fire you.”
“You know you never would,” he said with confidence. I rolled my eyes and stepped further forward as the line at Angie’s began to move.
After my encounter with Logan the day before, I needed an Angie’s fix to get my day started. I woke up feeling younger than I’d felt in years. Just one conversation with Logan and I was back to my old self again. Vulnerable. Exposed. I hated my old self.
Commando (Rogue Rebels MC Book 1) Page 36
