We share a pitcher of café-con-leche with condensed milk.
“Breakfast for men!” Che trumpets. “And two gorgeous girls.” He looks to Camila and me, lifts his orange juice glass, and cheers. He’s such a loser, this guy. I think men with little peepers have PMS too: the Peeper Monster Syndrome.
London tries to save the day. He lifts his glass. “Here’s a toast to Jaylene and Shai. I’m psyched you girls are here because you guys are so ugly to look at.” The boys agree.
“Girls and guys should be treated equal,” says George.
I lay it down like I see it. “True equality will happen when straight guys start dressing and acting like girls.” I point to the guys. “Girls picked up all your bad habits like drinking, smoking, hooking up with everyone, going to the gym to get muscles, wearing suits and ties to work, just to be equal. It’s a beautiful thing for butches, kings, FTM trans and genderqueers to dress like guys because that’s how they really feel. But for real equality, you males have got to start dressing in skirts, heels and putting on makeup.”
I cause a real commotion. Everyone gets riled up. Jaylene agrees with me and starts talking feminist politics.
We begin piling food on our plates while talking politics in fast Cuban Spanglish, so El Tigre will understand. Luckily, Jaylene speaks and understands Spanish from having taken courses in school and now in college. Her accent is sexy. I’m going to have to teach her our dialect.
Che fights back about Jaylene hating all men, stamping her as a separatist. She puts him in his place and lets him know she’s a liberal feminist “fighting for the rights of political and economic rights for women.” She says, “Radical feminism understands that men in power rule the world and oppress others . . .”
As she and Che debate, Camila delicately unfolds a napkin and places it on her lap. She sits quietly to eat while the rest of us jump in.
Camila’s pretty. It feels good to think anything I want without being involved with anyone.
Che shrugs in exasperation. He launches a large piece of food into his Alaskan-sized mouth and changes the subject. He kisses his diamond-encrusted gold crucifix. “Thank you, God, for this food, for freedom and for freedom of speech.” He stuffs a stack of food into his mouth, gulps oceans of juice, and burps loudly.
Before I stick another forkful of food in my mouth, I close my eyes and make a wish to Sacred Nature. “I hope the millions of homeless here, and the poor who can’t buy food, get to eat every day.” I take a sip of juice.
Jaylene puts down her fork. “Yeah. And I pray for real freedom of speech and freedom for LGBTQIs to marry whomever we wish all over the United States and the entire world.”
With London here, a fake gay cousin Manny, and nobody knowing about my past, I feel courageous to express myself. “That’s for sure. Gay people don’t have the same rights or privileges as straights. Look at all the gay teens committing suicide.”
Che lifts his cruddy index finger in the air. “Let them kill all fags!”
We all glare at him. I peer into Che’s eyes. “Why do you hate gay people so much? What have they done to you?”
“Okay, so don’t kill them. Stick them all in jail so they can fuck each other. AIDS cures faggots.”
“Man, you’re warped,” El Tigre mumbles in Spanish. With a frustrated look on his face he excuses himself to use the bathroom.
London keeps his cool. “You should try to get to know a gay guy, mano. They’re not as bad as you think.” I like that London is intelligent, and a thinker. He stays calm, but I feel all riled up inside.
Tazer wipes his mouth with a napkin. “What are you, in the anti-gay guy Klu Klux Klan movement? Are you an antigay guy Nazi?”
Jaylene grits her teeth. “He’s just a disgusting ignorant idiot.”
Che’s cheeks are a bloody red. He places his glass down. “And what do you care about faggots? You’re nothin’ but a confused gringa bisexual.” He tears a piece of bread in half, smears it with a truckful of butter, and takes a huge bite out of it.
I swig a sip of sweet café-con-leche but it slides down bitter.
Tazer stands next to Che. “Leave my house.”
Che gets up, and just as I think he’s about to slam his fist in Tazer’s face, he grabs his hand and shakes it. “Sorry. I get carried away talking politics. I’m Republican and have strong opinions. That’s what I love about America: freedom of speech. We’re free to speak our mind.” He knows Tazer’s dad’s got our paycheck. That’s why he’s shutting up.
El Tigre comes back looking refreshed, as if he’s splashed cold water on his face. The tension got released and nobody became violent. Jaylene doesn’t hold her tongue. She starts in about attending an all-women festival where thousands of female musicians eighteen and over pitch tents and, for two weeks, live in the woods together. “I get to play my djembe on stage with my Afro Cuban percussion band, Cunga. Well . . . I mean, obviously I’m ‘beige,’ but they’re girls of color and play like a dream. We kick ass.”
I’m wondering what it would feel like to be surrounded only by girls for a week, listening to music, talking, playing instruments, painting, taking workshops, swimming in rivers, until she says, “We feel so free without men around some of us get naked.”
My thoughts crash into each other. That’s definitely a place I couldn’t visit. I’m way too shy about my body.
When Che gets up to use the bathroom, Jaylene starts gesticulating and capturing his distinctive speech, body movements, voice and quirks in a highly exaggerated way. We laugh.
The one good thing about Tazer having stood up to Che is that he’s kept his beak shut.
Before you know it, we’re done with breakfast and with casquitos de guayaba dessert made with guava and cream cheese.
Tazer smiles. “Let me show you guys something before you get back to slaving.”
We follow him up the marble staircase that leads into the third-floor terrace. You can see the waterfalls we made cascading into a pond we installed in the backyard. There’s a stone path with swaying tropical fruit trees, coral rock gardens, a grotto, arches for climbing roses and a pond with large koi fish, just as I sketched it for Marco.
“Woah! We did that?” Camila slaps her cheek, not believing her eyes.
We stare at the beauty of what we built, in silent awe.
I check my watch. “Time to get back to work!” I clap my hands. “Last one down’s a rotten mango!” In a fury, I’m running down the stairs and everyone’s following.
We get downstairs, and I bid farewell to London. “I’m glad you came by.” Now that I know he’s honest about his apology, I like and respect him more.
“I’ll call you soon.” I wave goodbye and he takes off.
Tazer yells to me from his bedroom window, “Shai, come here a sec!”
I dash upstairs to the second floor and find him leaning against the door of his bedroom with arms crossed over his chest. He walks into his empty bedroom, which is being remodeled, and I follow. The chartreuse-colored walls reek of fresh paint. Intense music from my ancient classic Doors CD leaks in from the boom box downstairs.
I stare out the window to see the crew taking shovels full of mulch and throwing it by the palm island. Jaylene is whistling up a storm.
“She met a really hot babe last night, Rosa. Jay’s in heaven.”
“I can tell.”
Tazer squints and puts on a grave expression. “Look, I know you got thrown out of school for Marlena’s texts. You know how word spreads in Miami. I never told you so you wouldn’t feel so bad about lying to me about ‘Mario,’ the Betrayer.”
I feel heat climbing up from my heels to my head. Memories of the Incident fill my brain. I’m nervous he’ll tell London and everyone here, and the good times the crew and I have had at work will end exactly as they did in high school.
He doesn’t take his eyes off mine. “So if you’re also into girls, and I totally get you, why can’t you be honest with me? If we’re supposed to be frie
nds, why do you keep lying to me like that?”
I swallow hard a bunch of times as I scan the empty walls. I tap my foot on the shiny wooden floor and it echoes around the room. “I’m sorry I lied and have kept important parts of my life from you. It’s just too hard to talk about some things, especially because if I change my life, my mother will accept me back.” I can’t believe the whole world knows about why I got kicked out of school. No one really knows it’s because I didn’t tell on Marlena. Soon, the crew and London will find out too.
“But I thought we were friends. Are you just pretending to be my friend?”
“We are friends. I’m really sorry,” I repeat. “Please forgive me, Tazer, and don’t tell the crew about Marlena and me. My mom hates me now and I’ve got to keep it on the down low. And don’t tell Jaylene, either. Please. I’m not ready to tell anyone.”
I explain in full horrific detail everything I went through. I hope he won’t start spreading the word. Just when my life takes a good spin, something happens to make it chaotic.
“It’s too bad about what happened to you. If you don’t want to tell Jaylene, that’s fine with me. But you could’ve talked to me about what went down. I’m your friend, you know. I would’ve understood.”
“It’s just that I’ve never even liked any other girl but Marlena, until recently.” I don’t say it’s Gisela, even though I’m sure he knows. “I’m in a lot of pain. My mom doesn’t care about me any more and is keeping me from my little brother. Even though Marlena dumped me and got married, if I tell on her, my mom will notify Marco first, then fly to Puerto Rico to talk to her parents and husband, Rick, personally. Then, she’ll force me to leave this job. Marlena’s mom and mine were friends. She won’t want me associating with anyone who has anything to do with her. Honestly, it will ruin Marlena’s life and my job which I desperately need. I can’t do that to Marlena and to myself. If I want to live a great, happy life, I should never fall in love with a girl again.” I look into his eyes. “They’re trouble for me and my mom will never accept me. And besides, didn’t you see what a commotion London and I caused when they found out we had kissed? I like being treated with respect, instead of the way Che treats Jaylene.”
“Respect?” He juts his nose in the direction of the crew. “I hate to tell you, but no matter what the crew says, I doubt they’ll ever respect you, except for Jaylene. None of them spoke up when Che said such an atrocity. They’re probably all conservatives. And Che is nuts. All that loathing. And he’s wearing a crucifix. Jesus would die if he saw such shit. That’s not what he was about.” He peers into my eyes. “You’re going to let jerks rule your life?”
“No. It’s not about anyone but my mom.”
“What mother terrifies a child into not being who they are? What kind of mom throws a daughter out of their house for having a girlfriend?”
He’s so right. It’s all about fear and ignorance. But it’s so easy for him to say. He never had a neurotic homophobic mom. And his dad doesn’t give three royal monkey pubes about his life. Tazer can come and go and do whatever he pleases. His dad doesn’t even know or care who Tazer’s friends are.
As if slapped in the face, I have a realization. I’ve never felt this strongly about anything. London is my savior. Is it so wrong to want peace and acceptance with my mom and society and also want my family back?
I jam my hands into my pockets and kick away a bit of mud that fell off my boots. I cough and turn my eyes toward the crew. “I . . . I . . .”
He interrupts. “Look. It’s your life. You think you can fall in lust and love with London?”
I shrug. “Maybe attraction grows.” I remember Marlena’s words about Rick and I cringe. She did the same thing I’m doing now. Funny, but I understand her decisions much better at this moment.
Tazer smiles, a wicked funny, twisted smile. “Well in that case, I’m not a girl so your mom shouldn’t care. And besides, if you can fall in love with anyone, then include me.” His lips reach mine and he goes in for a much deeper kiss.
14—Up Yours!
I have an urge to be thrown into what I’ve never known and get rid of all the nostalgia for what I had.
Now, I’ve got the opportunity to change my life. No one can dictate who I’ll date but me. I’ve only intimately known one girl. Our breakup isn’t a life sentence; it’s a chance to get to know others, and who I belong with, in a much deeper way. Girls who like girls aren’t an endangered species. No one has the right to kill us off. I know what I’ve liked and loved but I need to destroy that because it didn’t work for me.
Don’t get me wrong.
I’m not a hypocrite. I just need to leave behind what I once considered sacred and delve into the unknown to see if it takes me to where I really belong. Personally, I know that’s with my mom and Pedri. My heart is only open to whatever will lead me to them.
I ride fast and furious after work to Pedri’s school. He has learning disabilities in English and had to enroll in an after-school program.
It kills me Pedri has no one to help him with homework or run to for support. I know he still sobs about my having been thrown out of the house. I hate that I’m not allowed to be there for him. My mom won’t tell him, “Everything’s going to be okay. Your sister’s coming back soon.”
I’d always find a way to get Pedri out of any sad mood whenever he was in trouble. “You don’t want Mami to see you crying. If you act like a little man and tell her, ‘I learned my lesson and promise to clean my room when you tell me to,’ she’ll come around and forget your punishment.”
I long for Pedri to bury his little face inside the curve of my neck and tell me how much he loves me. What was I thinking? Why has it taken me so long to come up with this life-changing decision? Why have I been so selfish?
I reach the fence and park my bike. Pedri runs to me.
“Shyly!”
“Little Punk!” I swing him around. “You grew about ten feet since last week.” I goof around and fill his little mushy face with kisses.
“Yeah!” He squishes his head against my stomach. “I’m big now.”
In the distance, the roar of kids’ playful screams fills the schoolyard. I’m never happier and sadder, all at the same time, than when I come to see my little love.
Red Road is jam-packed with cars stretching off to who knows where. It’s growing cloudy and dark. Cars honk their horns and kids rush to climb inside parents’ cars. I feel truly happy for the first time since Mami kicked me out. Around this time, the day starts closing in on me, and I can’t think of anything but try to figure out a way to go back home to Pedri without throwing Marlena under the bus.
I sit on the steps and put him on my lap.
“Do you know I miss you more than the whole mysterious universe?”
“Me too.” He wraps his arms around me and I allow his love to soothe me.
“One day, when I’m even bigger, I’m going to take you to Italy.” I point to Pedri’s favorite Italian pizza place set in a building that looks like the Eiffel Tower across the street. The Tower has a tilted heart, symbolizing the way my heart is leaning.
“But you are big already, Shyly. Let’s go tomorrow.”
“I mean when I’m an adult. Look.” I jut my chin and he turns his neck again. “There’s a real place that looks just like that in Italy. I’ll take you to see beaches with mountains and a place full of Michelangelo paintings.” I used to show him art books from all my favorite painters.
“I remember him!”
“We’ll eat all the pizza we want on picnics on a gorgeous park.”
“Let’s do it, Shyly. Let’s do it today! Pleeeeeeeeeease.”
“I can’t so soon. I know Mami will be here to pick you up any minute, but I had to come to let you know something important.”
“What?”
I kiss his sweet freckly cheeks. “I’m going to work it out with Mami so she lets me move back home.”
He leaps off me and jumps up and down. “R
eally?”
“Yup. But it might take a few months. You know how she is and I have to do it slowly. Can you be patient and wait for oh . . . I don’t know, about half a year?”
“Yeah, Shyly! I’ll wait! I’ll wait! But make it fast! Can’t it be faster? Like tomorrow. Pleeeeeease?”
“I’ll try. But no matter how long it takes, I’m almost sure I’m coming back home.”
***
I find Viva outdoors. She’s watering the organic tomato and cucumber seeds I planted for her, wearing a large, multicolored two-piece bathing suit, and a pink shower cap so her hair won’t get fried. I notice a garlic clove stuck inside her belly button.
I rush to her and pinch her butt. “Vivalini! Are you growing a garlic tree?”
“Ay, Shylita!” She lets out a silly laugh and throws her arms around me. “Hola, mariposita. Garlics keeps evil espirits and vampiros away.”
Neruda leaps all over me. I squeeze her in my arms. “Nerudi Rudi!” She licks and bites my nose with the sweetest baloney breath. I scrutinize her fur, it seems way lighter. “You dyed Nerudi’s hair?”
“No. No. I promise. She be out in the sun too much.”
I see a bottle of hydrogen peroxide on top of the lounge chair and give out a sigh of relief. I point to it. “What’s that?”
“Ay, it’s only nontoxic peroxido.” She crinkles up her nose. “I put a little in the floor of our crib because she pee inside. I use the rest to make Nerudi a blondie.”
“Nerudi peed in our crib?” I want to die laughing when she says “crib,” but instead I act upset and throw my hands up. “Teaching you how to train a puppy is like teaching a noodle to run.”
“Ay, Shylita, you is such a pain in thee butt.” She pinches my cheek.
I go indoors feeling as if it’s a perfect day. I can be in high spirits even when things around me are falling apart. But today’s different. I’m on top of the world and nothing is crumbling around me! I was stupid to have rather gone homeless for Marlena than live with my family. It seems incomprehensible now that the solution has been staring me in the face all this time and I didn’t see it. I can’t believe it took so long to figure it out.
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