by Casey Dawes
“Hunter, I know it was tough to lose Lauren in the war, but have you asked yourself what it would have been like if you made it home? War intensifies things. People do things they didn’t intend to do. She told you she was separated from her husband, but then you found out she still had been living with him.”
Something in Joe’s voice alerted Hunter. “I thought she was planning on leaving when her tour was up. Is there something you’re not telling me?” Hunter’s grip tightened more.
Joe let out a breath. “I went to her funeral for you, remember?”
Hunter nodded his head.
“Her husband was there. I talked to him for a few minutes. He said he was counting the days ‘til she got home. She was going to resign her post and they were going to try for a family. Didn’t sound like they were planning on splitting up to me.”
Hunter sighed. “Nope.” Were any women faithful? Or men for that matter? He suddenly understood Sarah’s need to make sure she was done with Rick before she moved on. No matter how hard Hunter wanted to grasp his life with two hands, he was going to have to wait this one out.
“Sorry,” Joe said. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, but there never seemed to be a good time to do it.”
“Never is a good time for bad news.”
They pulled up the driveway and Hunter parked as close to the front entrance as he could. He opened the inn door with his key and propped it ajar.
Daisy peered around the hallway corner and gave a soft bark. She emerged, tail wagging, and bumped his hand for a pat.
“Good girl,” he said.
“Nice dog. Sarah’s?” Joe came into the hallway.
“Who’s there?” Sarah called from the living room, a note of concern in her voice.
“Just me and my friend, Joe.” Hunter said. Drat. He’d hoped she’d be asleep so he could surprise her in the morning.
“Well, bring him in here so I can meet him.”
The men walked into the sitting room where Sarah was in her customary position on the chaise lounge. Daisy trotted over and sat next to Sarah’s right side.
“Sorry not to get up,” she said to Joe as they shook hands. “I’ve got ninety-seven days, twelve hours and forty-two minutes of bed rest left before the doctor will spring me.”
Joe grinned. “Not a problem.”
“Where’s Mandy?” Hunter asked.
“Work.” Sarah shivered. “What’s the chill? Did you leave the front door open?”
“Uh. Yeah. I have something for you. Well, for the inn, actually.” All of a sudden building a hallstand for Sarah seemed totally inappropriate.
Her eyes lit up. “Really? What is it?”
He smiled. “Wait ‘til we bring it in.”
A frown of disappointment didn’t quite erase the spark in her voice. “Okay.”
Joe and Hunter walked back to the Jeep, boots clunking on the hardwood floor. With minimum of grunting, they got the awkward piece into the front hall and set up.
It was exactly as Hunter had imagined it would be.
“Now do I get to see?” A whine came from the far room.
Hunter and Joe grinned at each other. “It would be fun to torture her a little longer,” Hunter said.
“Yeah, but she’s pregnant. Trust me, after going through two with Mary, that’s torture enough.”
“You got a point.”
Sarah was struggling to get up when they returned.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Hunter said and gave her his hand.
After she maneuvered herself from the chair, their eyes locked, and the room faded away for a brief moment. Unable to help himself, Hunter feathered a kiss on her soft lips.
“Ahem.” Joe mocked clearing his throat.
Shit. “Sorry, didn’t mean to do that.”
“I know.” Sarah’s voice was soft. “Now can we see what you brought for the inn? The way you two were grunting and groaning, it sounded heavy.”
“I never grunt.” Joe grinned.”Do you?”
“No. Never. Don’t groan, either.”
“Must have been someone else I heard,” Sarah said.
“This way.” Hunter took her hand and led her into the entry way.
“Oh, my. It’s beautiful. It’s perfect. Where did you find it?”
“I made it.” Hunter’s chest burst with pride.
“Really?” Sarah touched the burnished wood reverently, her mouth framed in a small “O.” “This is amazing. But I can’t afford to pay you for this. It must be worth thousands.”
“I don’t expect you to. It’s on loan. All I ask is that you put my business cards on this shelf, right here.”
“You’re opening your own business! What a great idea!” She hugged him “I’ll do your website in return for the loan.” She laughed and smiled up at him.
The front door was pushed open. “I thought I’d come early and surprise you.” Rick stepped into the entryway. “What the hell!”
Silence fell over the small group.
“I thought you were serious about working on this with me,” Rick said. “I guess I was mistaken.”
“You’re taking this all wrong,” she protested.
“Yeah, right.” Rick thrust the flowers he had in his hand at Joe and walked back out of the inn.
Sarah burst into tears.
Chapter 17
“I’ve made such a mess of things,” Sarah told Carol the following afternoon after sending her an emergency email. “I wanted to give Rick a chance and there I was hugging Hunter when Rick walked in the door. It was so innocent and Rick took it all wrong.”
“Is that true?”
“What do you mean?” Sarah’s tone was sharp.
“I mean are you dealing with the reality of your feelings, or are you trying to make things the way you think they should be?”
Sarah was taken aback. “Of course, I want to make things work with Rick. It would be best for the baby.”
“That’s your mother talking, not you.”
The problem with this coach was she was right too much of the time. “Good thing Mom’s in France pruning vines with Marcos. She’d have a fit.”
“When you think about being a single mother, where do you feel it in your body?” Carol asked. “Think about it right now and tell me where you feel it.”
Sarah thought about everything she’d heard about single mothers, how they were damaging their children, selfish, and living in poverty. In high school whispers followed pregnant teens like bad omens. “I feel sick to my stomach.”
“Could it be you feel ashamed?”
Sarah pondered the question. “Well, I certainly don’t feel like the smartest person, allowing this to happen to me. I mean, Rick and I had exciting plans. We were going to create a place worthy of being featured in the New York Times, Travel and Leisure, even on television. And I ruined it.”
“Ahh. Is that true?”
God, I wish I could pace. Instead, Sarah drummed her fingers on her slightly enlarged stomach.”Technically, no. His sperm had to hit my egg. We were using protection, but I didn’t want to go on the pill. I don’t know why. Seems silly now. If I’d been using it, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Is that true?”
People did get pregnant even if they were using the pill. If they were careless, or forgot. “Even if I was using the pill, I could have gotten pregnant. But it still would have been my fault.”
“Is — ”
“I don’t know!” Sarah’s head was going to explode. “It feels like it would be my fault. I mean, isn’t the woman always responsible?”
Silence thrummed the line before Carol spoke. “Often women take responsibility in a relationship for things they shouldn’t. Yes, a woman is going to bear the burden of having a child, so it behooves her to pay attention to these things. But we’re passionate creatures, too. We’re human. We make mistakes. So do our partners. We get to own our mistakes, not theirs.”
Sarah had never heard the coach make such a long spe
ech. “What does this have to do with whether or not I work things out with Rick?”
“Relationships are built on trust. Tell me again what happened when you told Rick you were pregnant.”
Sarah’s stomach churned as she thought back to that night. “He told me it was my fault and he wasn’t going to deal with it. He had plans. He’d help me pay for an abortion, even take me to the clinic, but that’s all.”
The hollow feeling she’d carried inside her for weeks after that conversation returned.
“Why did you keep the baby?”
“I never considered anything else. This was my child, I couldn’t throw her — or him — away, no matter what.” Tears began to roll down her cheeks. “But Rick convinced me it was my fault and I had to take responsibility.”
“Since you’ve let him back into your life, has he shown a new side of himself?”
Sarah wiped her face and thought about the weekends she’d spent with Rick. Their conversations had rotated around him, what he wanted and needed. She always had to ask him to help her, unlike Mandy. Or Hunter. Her roommates instinctually knew when she needed help.
“Sometimes he puts me down for being so weak I have to stay in bed.”
“So, not supportive.”
“No.” Sarah sobbed as reality showed its unforgiving face.
When Sarah’s tears subsided, Carol asked, “Why are you putting up with it?”
“I guess I keep hoping he’ll change.” As she said the words, Sarah’s heart sank. People didn’t change unless they wanted to. “Oh, God. What am I going to do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I haven’t the faintest idea.” Sarah stared at the ceiling molding. An industrious spider was building a web, So much to do and she was stuck in this bed day in and day out. “I want to get up! I’m sick of being stuck here, being waited on by everyone else. But there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“That’s true. But I have an assignment, actually several assignments, for you.”
Sarah groaned. “They better be stuff I can do sitting down.”
Carol chuckled. “You may need help with some of them. But I think they’ll help you figure out who you are before you try to go back into a relationship with Rick, or start a new one.”
“I’m not starting a new relationship.”
“What about Hunter?”
“Oh. That.”
“Yes. That. I know you aren’t intentionally getting involved, but it sounds like the two of you are letting your emotions drift that way. So let’s focus on you. Here’s what I want you to do.”
Sarah wrote down the coach’s instructions and studied them with relief and angst. While it would be great to uncover more about herself, she was afraid of what she’d find. What if she was an even worse person than she imagined?
“Nothing’s as bad as we think it is,” Carol said. “We want to uncover possibilities so that you and your child can live the best life you can.”
“I’ll try.”
“I know you will.” Carol’s faith in her perked up Sarah’s spirits. Maybe there was hope beyond the mess she’d created.
• • •
By Sunday afternoon Sarah was ready to settle down with her assignments. Mandy was at work and Hunter had made himself scarce since the fiasco on Thursday. She hadn’t heard from Rick at all.
The coach had suggested she let everyone else do what they wanted and concentrate on herself.
What is your perfect day?
Sarah tapped her pen on the legal pad. Before enforced bed rest she would have put “sleeping in” at the top of the list. Now?
She wrote “Feed my baby,” and smiled. The ache to hold her child in her arms grew daily. How strong would it be by the time the baby was due?
“Hello?” Alicia’s voice preceded her into the inn.
Sarah’s spirits dropped. Her perfect Sunday afternoon was ruined, but she pasted a smile on her face anyway. “In here.”
Alicia entered, Gayle’s box in hand. “Your mom wanted to make sure you had a sweet every week. She left me a list.”
“What did you get?” Ever since she’d gotten pregnant, her craving for sugar hadn’t let up. Whatever was in that box, though, wasn’t going to be good for her waistline.
Who was she kidding? What waistline?
Her half-sister opened the box. The rich smell of fruit, pudding, and sweet crust wafted from the four tiny tarts.
“Yum.”
Alicia put the box on an end table and, putting her hands on her hips, she studied Sarah. “You need some fresh air.”
“I don’t think the doctor would approve.” Sarah grinned. “Unless you intend on wheeling me around the park.”
“Nope. But if you can make it to the car, we could take a drive to Seacliff.”
Suddenly, the plan sounded like heaven to Sarah. She hadn’t realized how cooped up she was. The idea was enough to let go of her reservations about Alicia. “We’ll take the pastries?”
A thump on the floor reminded her of something else. “What about Daisy? She could use the exercise.” She frowned. “Of course, you’d have to walk her.”
Alicia smiled. “Sounds good.”
Excitement stirred in Sarah. It was amazing what a little thing could do to lift her spirits.
With a lot of laughter and maneuvering, Sarah was settled in the car, pastry box and a few magazines in her hands. At the last minute she grabbed her notebook. Nothing like taking in the ocean to prompt images of her perfect day.
Alicia loaded Daisy into the back seat.
As they headed out the drive, Alicia put all four windows in her small, beat-up car down. Sarah and Daisy soon had their faces in the wind as they drove the back way to Seacliff Beach.
Alicia used a season pass to get them past the gate. “Another thing from your mother. She was actually the one who suggested you might like this.”
Sarah smiled as Alicia maneuvered the car into the one remaining parking place facing the ocean. No matter what the strain between them, Elizabeth was always looking out for her daughter. Sarah hoped she’d be as good a mother as her own.
“So,” said Alicia. “Shall I get you set up with coffee and pastries and take Daisy for a run?”
“That would be wonderful.” Sarah put her hand on Alicia’s. “Thank you for your kindness. I know I wasn’t welcoming the last time you came to see me, but I do appreciate you coming back.”
Alicia’s grin lit up her face. “I talked with my grandmother and she helped me understand some things. I was too impatient.” She shrugged. “I always am.” She got out of the car, retrieved the thermos from the back seat, and poured Sarah a cup of coffee. “Decaf. It’s all I drink now.”
“Me, too.” Sarah’s eyes met Alicia’s and saw the warmth there. Maybe there was hope for their strange little family.
“C’mon, Daisy.” Alicia snapped a leash on the dog’s collar. “I figure I’ll walk her up past the cement ship and then let her run. Do you think she’ll come back to me if I call?”
Sarah pointed an admonishing finger at her dog. “You listen to Alicia, okay?”
Daisy woofed.
Sarah shrugged. “We’ll see. At the very least she’ll come back to the car. Now scoot, both of you.”
Alicia started to walk away from the car. Giving Sarah one last glance, Daisy trotted obediently behind.
Sarah chuckled as she watched Daisy’s tail bounce in time with Alicia’s almost-due waddle. As the pair disappeared up the sidewalk toward the cement ship anchored at the pier, Sarah lay back in her seat and rested her hand on her stomach, letting the sounds of seals, waves, and seagulls wash over her.
A perfect day.
In her mind, she walked through what she hoped she’d have in her life. Some of it was blurry, particularly the man who hovered on the edge of the dream.
Carol had told her to concentrate on her dreams alone, so Sarah pushed the blur out of her mental picture. Instead, it was her and the baby, sunlight
streaming through the kitchen windows of the inn. Once the baby was tended, Sarah could help Mandy in the kitchen, maybe with the little one in a sling around her waist.
She’d take care of her guests, do some marketing and organization for the inn, and then take the kid out in a jogging stroller down this same beach. She’d have to stay in shape wouldn’t she? Evenings would be spent taking care of her guests and entertaining friends and family.
The image of her family, including Alicia, around a big table, laughing, eating, and drinking Marcos’ latest wine made Sarah smile.
But there was still something missing.
The shadowy man hung at the edges of the room. But who was it?
As she fell asleep in the warm California sun, Sarah knew she’d need to make a decision about the man in her future.
• • •
“Why did you decide not to marry your baby’s father?” Sarah asked Alicia on the way home. Her nap and happy expression on Alicia’s face emboldened her to ask.
Alicia didn’t turn to her, but kept her eyes on the road. “He wasn’t right for me or my baby.”
“He was a gang member, wasn’t he?”
Alicia frowned. “It was more than that. A man can rob a woman’s soul without laying a finger on her.”
“What do you mean?”
Smoothly, Alicia merged into the traffic on Highway 1. “If a man doesn’t know what he wants — or only knows what he wants and nothing else — he is impossible to live with. The first will drift along and force a woman to do it all and still be miserable. The second will be demanding and the woman will have no life of her own.”
Sarah pondered the answer. The second sounded like a description of Rick.
“How do you know so much? Can’t men change if they want?”
Alicia shrugged. “The women in my family, they talk. I listened carefully. I didn’t mean to be pregnant — I just thought they might not be telling the truth.” She flicked a glance at Sarah. “They were right and I got pregnant. They also said people don’t change that much. They’re right about that, too.”
“Well, that’s depressing.”
“It’s realistic. It’s good to dream, hermana, but not to forget we live on this earth, not in heaven.”
