Straight white teeth flashed into a silent chuckle as Toby lowered his head to concentrate on hammering the nail into the board Jared was holding steady. The bulging muscles of his biceps bunched and rippled, stretching the sleeves of his t-shirt. Veins strained beneath the taut skin of his forearms. A patch of damp blond tumbled over his brow and trembled as he worked. But it was his arms Addy couldn’t stop staring at. She’d felt them wrapped around her several times and still she was utterly fascinated by the swirl of ink staining his skin. There was no proper way to see all his tattoos when he kept them covered, but oh, she longed to.
“God, does he have a brother?” Nia asked, still sounding dazed.
Addy chuckled and pointed to Damon. “Right there.”
Nia clicked her tongue. “Figures.”
“The other one is his brother in law and that’s his uncle,” she went on, pointing out Sloan and Jared. “His dad’s usually here, too, but not today.”
“I just feel like I should have brought dollar bills or something.”
Addy burst out laughing, loud and long until her sides ached. She lightly shoved the woman next to her and got a weak chuckle in return.
“What?” Nia laughed. “I’m serious. This is a Magic Mike moment waiting to happen.”
Addy laughed harder. Tears burned her eyes, but she couldn’t stop. Nia joined her and the two were nearly under the table.
“Okay, okay, stop!” Nia nudged her. “Seriously, your man is looking over here and he’s going to think I spiked your drink.”
Sucking in wheezing breathes, Addy dared a peek. Sure enough, Toby was watching them with unwavering amusement. His beautiful eyes were on her, warm and filled with so much everything it made her chest ache all over again. Hesitantly, Addy lifted a hand and gave a small wave that was returned with a nod of acknowledgment.
“Yeah, I really think he’s the one,” Nia observed. “You have him completely wrapped around your finger.”
Elated by the sound of Toby being the one, Addy smiled and focused instead on her friend. “Are you staying?”
Nia shook her head. “I only came to see you.”
“Please stay,” Addy begged. “We haven’t talked in…”
“Six months,” Nia supplied. “I checked.”
Addy winced. “I’m sorry. That’s my fault.”
“No, no, it’s not anyone’s fault, but I do hate that we lost touch like that.” At Addy’s nod of agreement, she went on. “Tell me what you’ve been up to.”
Sucking in a breath, Addy told her everything since their last visit. She included her run in with Toby and went on to describe starting a catering business with Willa and Calla and finally ended with Sean’s camping trip and the Halloween she had planned. In all, it took less than fifteen minutes to go through and Nia listened patiently without interrupting until Addy had run out of topics and breath.
“You’ve been busy,” Nia observed. “That’s good. I’m happy to hear about your catering business. I think it’s about time.” Addy started to thank her, but she kept talking. “But what now?”
Addy frowned. “What do you mean?”
Nia lifted one thin shoulder. “I think it’s wonderful that your life has finally straightened itself out, but you still have so many unresolved issues, Addy, and I think it’s time you thought about confronting them.”
Fear clasped serrated fingers around her heart even as she shook her head. “No, I’m not ready for that.”
“When then?” Nia pressed. “When Toby asks you to marry him? This is the only thing keeping you from having a full life.”
“I do have a life,” Addy protested. “I finally have an incredible life.”
“No, baby girl, you don’t. You’re still hiding. You still live in fear. Opening a business is great, but what is the point when you can’t share it with anyone? What is the point of doing all this if you’re always looking over your shoulder? It’s time to put this to bed.”
“No.” Addy shook her head vehemently. “I can’t. I can’t ever … I’m happy and if he ever finds me…”
“You will be his victim forever if you don’t take the proper steps to close this circle. He doesn’t deserve anymore of your life.”
“I can’t!” It was a struggle to keep her voice low. “He doesn’t know about Hanna. If he ever finds out, he will take her and Sean. He has the power and the money … it’s not worth it.”
Nia’s hands closed around her wrist, tight. “Yes, it is. He won’t come anywhere near those children, not when you have me and Gina and all the women from our group behind you. We will stand by you—”
“No!” She wrenched her hand away. “This is my decision.”
There was a storm brewing behind Nia’s eyes, a stubborn refusal to submit, but she relented with a nod.
“That is your decision, but you will never truly be free so long as you’re still afraid of him.”
“Hey, everything okay between you and Nia? You seemed upset earlier.”
Shoving the last of the dinner plates into the dishwasher, Addy slammed the door shut and set it to start while she contemplated her response.
Things had gotten pretty tense between her and Nia earlier and she’d felt horrible the moment Nia had said goodbye and left. Her past had no business cropping up to ruin her friendships. Unfortunately, there was nothing she could do.
“Yeah, everything is…” She broke off, realizing with some degree of horror that she’d been about to lie. “No,” she corrected. “We got into an argument.”
Shaking out the rag he’d been using to wipe down the counters over the sink, Toby looked up. “What about?”
There were several things about Nia’s insistence that Addy didn’t agree with, one of them being confronting Jonathon. That was something Addy didn’t think she could ever do. It was a gamble she refused to make, even if it meant living in fear her entire life. It just wasn’t worth it. But the woman was right about one thing, sharing everything with Toby. So far he’d been so supportive and accepting of everything, but it was still early in the game. If he walked away now, the damage would hurt, but it wasn’t unmanageable. Not for her. Not for the kids. It was as good a time as any to really figure out where they stood.
“I’d like to have that talk if you … if you have time.”
His lashes lowered as he draped the cloth over the faucet to dry. “I’ve always got time for you,” was his answer.
He picked up his cane from its propped position against the counter and made his way over to her. His slightly damp fingers closed around hers and he guided her out of the room and into the parlor.
“Is here okay?”
Breathing hard, Addy nodded.
He propelled her to the sofa and lowered them both down on the cushions.
This was it, she thought miserably. It was now or never.
“My name isn’t Adelaide Nixon,” she whispered after five full heartbeats. “That’s the name Macy gave me when I arrived. I’m not her niece either, but she took me in when I had nowhere else to go.” She paused to examine the white ridges of her clenched fists lying uselessly in her lap. “I need you to let me finish before asking questions, okay? I don’t want to lose my nerve.”
Toby mutely nodded.
Heart cracking like war drums, Addy steeled her courage and started from the very beginning.
“My name is Adelaide Blackwell and I’m from Langford, just eight hours from here.” She licked her dry lips and pressed on. “I’m the only child of Teresa and Andrew Blackwell. Yes, that Andrew Blackwell,” she whispered with dry amusement when Toby blinked, his only outward sign of response. “My father was, or still is, the CEO of Blackwell Industries, as his father was before him and his father before him. Had I been a boy, I’m sure it would have been mine one day. But being a female, I’m too weak to run such a powerful and male driven business. I suppose if I’d stayed, the position would have one day gone to Sean … or Jonathon.” She bit her lip, hard enough to taste blood. She hadn’t said his name
out loud to anyone outside her group. Hearing it spoken made her skin crawl and her stomach churn. “Jonathon is the son of my father’s best friend and the son my father always wanted, handsome, charming, driven, dedicated, and he comes from a very prominent family. His father, at the time, was running for Member of Parliament, so Jonathon was a big deal in our social circle. All the girls wanted him. Myself included.” She broke off with a tight chuckle. “Stupid.”
Toby didn’t speak, but his warm palm draped over the frigid balls of ice that had become of her clenched fists.
“I actually thought myself lucky that I got to see him all the time. It was a fact I used to brag about to my friends when they would swoon over him. I knew they all secretly hated me for it and I loved it.
The night he asked me over to watch a movie, I could not wait to tell my friends. They were all so jealous. I got all dressed up. I wanted to look sexy and sophisticated. Jonathon was nineteen and had already traveled the world. I wanted him to really notice me.
I arrived at his house and he answered the door. I was so sure he could hear my heart racing in my chest. I followed him to the den and he started the movie.” She faltered. His grip on her hand tightened. “Grease,” she mumbled. “That was the movie he’d put on, because it was my favorite. I thought it was incredible that he knew that. I felt so special. When he started to kiss me, I didn’t push him away, but then he wouldn’t stop…” Her breath caught. “He kept tugging at my clothes and pushing me down on the sofa. I fought at him, but he told me it was what I wanted. It was the reason I was there and I knew it so I needed to stop being a cock tease.”
“Addy…”
Her fingers fisted around his, needing him not to talk. Her resolve was already in tatters and the need to throw up or cry were both very real possibilities.
“It felt like it lasted forever. I didn’t think he would ever stop and it hurt so much. Then he got off and I just lay there. I couldn’t move. He pulled me up, fixed my clothes … and then he kissed me like nothing’d happened. He said I was wonderful and that he had always known I would be. That of all the girls who wanted him, he’d chosen me and that made me special and I should know I was very lucky. Then he sent me home.
I didn’t know what to do. Part of me felt like it was my fault, that maybe if I hadn’t worn a skirt or gotten dressed up, then maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did. That I had somehow encouraged him to violate me. Another part of me was humiliated. I should have fought harder. I should have screamed. I should have done something, anything other than just lie there and let it happen.
My friends all kept asking how things went and if he’d kissed me and if we were going to see each other again, and I couldn’t tell them. I didn’t know how. I knew what happened to girls who cried rape. The boy never got blamed and I still had two years of school. Somehow, getting called a whore and a slut was worse than what had actually happened.
So, I pretended it didn’t happen. I shut myself away, broke all contact with everyone I knew and prayed it would end soon. But that was unlikely to happen when he and his parents were regulars at our house for dinners every night. For months afterwards, I was forced to sit across the table from him as he chattered on about his big plans to step into his father’s shoes. For weeks, I’d sit there and try not to throw up every time he’d look at me and grin like we shared some wonderful secret.” Anger curdled through her as the memories rushed up in waves to consume her sanity. “I wanted to kill him, to drive my steak knife into his throat. But I never did. I just kept sitting there, pretending like everything was fine.
When I found out I was pregnant, I thought my entire world had finally come to an end. All I could think was, now everyone will know. They will know and they will blame me. But I also knew I had to tell my parents. There was no way they wouldn’t eventually find out. Plus, a part of me really hoped they could fix everything, make it go back to the way things were.
My father called me a liar. He accused me of getting myself in trouble and was now blaming it on Jonathon, not Jonathon who fed the hungry and was head choirboy at our church. Why on earth would Jonathon, who could get any girl he wanted, rape me? I was lying.
My mother couldn’t fathom how she was going to explain this to her society group. It was sure to get her removed from the high table at the country club.
Neither one seemed to care that I was losing my mind. Even when I started screaming that I was their daughter and they should be taking my side. My dad said I was being dramatic and that he would get to the bottom of this. That night, he invited Stanton and Jonathon over for supper … and apologized. He prayed that my bad behavior and my lying wouldn’t interfere with their friendship, or Jonathon’s perfectly set goals.”
“Son of a bitch!” Toby hissed under his breath.
Addy ignored him, too wrapped up in her own boiling fury. “I told them that once the baby was born, we’d see exactly whose it was. I thought I had them. There was no way they could call me a liar when DNA would prove I was telling the truth. Then Jonathon spoke up and admitted to the whole thing, minus the rape. He claimed I initiated the whole thing and he had given into temptation and sinned. He was terribly sorry. My father, rather than get angry, immediately launched into a plan of attack. We would get rid of it. No one need ever know.
All that time, I never blamed the baby. I never hated him. And even then, I knew I would keep him no matter what, because it wasn’t Jonathon’s baby. It was mine, no matter how he was conceived.
I said no. They argued I was being spiteful and malicious and deliberately setting out to hurt Jonathon. Stanton even offered me money to make the problem disappear. But I wouldn’t. Not for anything. So, my father gave me an ultimatum, either I get rid of it or I get out of his house.
I chose to leave. I even started packing my bags. I didn’t know where I would go or how I would get there, but I wasn’t going to stay.
Stanton came into my room while I was putting things into a suitcase. He told me that he admired my spunk and tenacity. It showed good moral standing. ‘But it won’t be enough to convince the courts you’re fit to be a mother,’ he said. ‘You’re fifteen, still in high school, no job, no income and about to be homeless. That baby will be brought to its real family before the cord is cut.’ Its real family. The ones who wanted to make him disappear. But he had my attention, because everything he was saying was true. They had the power to take my baby and there was nothing I could do about it. ‘No one is going to believe you were assaulted, Adelaide. There isn’t any proof. Not a hospital record. No DNA. Nothing. It’s your word against ours and all it will prove is that you made a mistake and now you’re crying rape to cover for it. That is exactly what my lawyers will tell everyone. Now, be a smart girl and do the right thing’.” She paused to draw in a breath, mostly to calm herself. “I told him I wasn’t giving the baby up and he agreed with me. He told me we could find a different alternative, like marry Jonathon and keep the baby, give it a name and a family. Otherwise, he’d make sure I never saw the baby again. I accepted.”
She hung her head as guilt and shame overwhelmed her.
“We were married at city hall the very next day. No friends. No flowers. Just me in my jeans and sneakers. I cried the whole time. I hated myself for being so powerless, so weak. But I was mostly scared. I was marrying the monster I couldn’t even stand to look at. I was putting my baby in a situation I didn’t know how to get out of. They had all the advantage and I was completely alone.
Sean was born three weeks after I turned sixteen. He was this tiny, perfect thing, all pink and wiggly. I had never loved anyone the way I fell in love with him. I would have done anything to keep him safe, even stay in that house with those people and they knew it. The moment we got home from the hospital, they took Sean from me. I wasn’t allowed out of the house without someone with me. I definitely wasn’t allowed to take Sean anywhere, and when I did see him it was for an hour in the presence of someone the family picked out.
&nb
sp; Jonathon hadn’t paid me much attention since the night it all happened. He hadn’t touched me again. But after Sean was born, he began coming to my room at night. He loved reminding me that he was the reason I even got to see my son and I should be grateful. Besides, we were married. It was his right to take what was his.”
Bile rose up in her throat, hot and bitter. It mingled with the tears she could feel burning behind her eyes.
“The morning he announced he was joining the army was the best day of my life. He would be gone for months at a time. I wouldn’t be free, but it was close enough. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I prayed each time he left that he wouldn’t come back, that he would get taken out and I would finally be rid of him.” She lowered her chin. “You must think I’m horrible.”
“No.” His thumb skimmed lightly over her knuckles. “I don’t.”
She opted to believe him. She had no other choice.
“The army changed him and not for the better. Each time he came home, he was a little colder, a little crueler. It got to the point where even his own mother was afraid of him. He would lose his temper at the drop of a hat and go into these inconsolable fits of rage. He became violent. Not just to me, but everyone around him. Three tours in and his platoon was hit and he was sent home. Discharged from the line of duty. The mood swings and temper tantrums escalated after that. The doctors called it PTSD and maybe it was. I don’t know. But I knew I needed to get Sean out of there. Staying was no longer an option.
I began saving every penny I could find around the house. I started doing the laundry, because no one in that house ever checked their pockets. It took over a year, but I saved enough to start over.
The night I finally left, Jonathon had come into my room. He’d been drinking and I knew it wouldn’t end well. Over the last few months before that, he’d begun to hit me, mostly slaps or he’d choke me until I was sure I’d pass out. But something was different that night. I thought for a second that maybe he’d somehow found out I was planning to leave, but then he was on me, punching and kicking and screaming about me cheating on him while he’d been gone. The only other man in the house was his father and he was barely ever home. Not that it mattered. He knocked me out. When I woke up, I was naked and I hurt everywhere. More than usual. I still don’t know what he did to me, but it didn’t matter. I could hear Sean screaming from his room across the house. It wasn’t the kind of screams of a child waking up. It was screams of terror and pain. I ran to his room, but he wasn’t in his bed. He wasn’t in the room, but I could still hear him.”
His Lullaby Baby Page 30
