“So, I opened it. It was a pair of pants. A pair of extra-large, navy blue men’s Y-fronts to be precise and I’m not even convinced they were new!” I said, and a ripple of laughter murmured through the audience.
“I turned to her and I remember she looked so worried, so ... nervous. And then she said, ‘I hope that’s what you asked for. My memory isn’t very good these days.’”
The audience fell completely silent. Even the Foxley Hill team were holding their breath.
“And I said, ‘Thank you, Mrs Munn. This is just what I’ve always wanted.’ And she smiled. This huge smile of, like, relief. Like ... like she’d got it right, you know?”
I took a deep breath. “This might be the most embarrassing thing I ever say, but that smile ... that was the best Christmas present I ever got.”
I looked out across the audience. I’d expected that announcement to be met by humiliating laughter and a tidal wave of name-calling, but no one spoke. A few of our Year Sevens wiped their eyes on their sleeves. Even the Year Eights looked like they’d been moved by the story.
It was the perfect moment. For about five seconds.
“Obviously, it was a lie,” I said. “If I’d been telling the truth, I’d have said, ‘Hey, Mrs Munn’s lost her marbles – stick her in the nuthouse.’”
The audience laughed at that. I think I even heard Mr Lawson chuckle. “I told a lie and it meant an old woman didn’t have her Christmas ruined. People think lying’s bad but it isn’t. Lying is what makes the world go round,” I said. I pointed to a random kid in our side of the audience.
“Imagine you walked into class tomorrow and told Miss Knox about her terrible breath. She’d kill you. Probably by breathing on you.”
The boy I’d pointed to giggled nervously and nodded.
My arm swept right, finding a girl in Year Eight who had a reputation for causing trouble in class. “Imagine the teachers all told you what they actually think of you? They’d probably get fired.”
“Hey!” she protested, then she shrugged. “Yeah, fair enough.”
“‘No, I don’t mind.’ ‘No, it’s not a problem, really.’ ‘No, that new haircut is great!’ We lie all the time, and more often than not it’s to make someone else feel good, or to make their day go a little more smoothly,” I said. “Take that ability to lie away and everything falls apart.”
I knew my time had nearly run out, so I wrapped up my speech. “Is it important to tell the truth sometimes? Yes, of course! But always? Brutal honesty twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week? Nothing good can come of that. Trust me.”
I did a little bow to complete and utter silence. “Uh, that’s me done,” I said.
From somewhere behind me there came the sound of a single person clapping. It sounded embarrassingly faint in the vast, cavernous hall.
I turned to find out who it was and was surprised to see Wayne getting to his feet. Beside him, Chloe began to clap, too, then I spotted Theo and Evie lurking in the wings. They both gave me a thumbs up, then joined in the applause.
The sound began to spread. First some of our Year Sevens started to clap, then the Year Eights joined in. To my amazement, it even leaped the aisle to the other side of the hall. In just a few moments, the whole audience was on its feet, clapping and whooping and cheering.
Mr Lawson stepped up to the lectern. I swear there was a tear in the corner of his eyes as he placed a hand on my shoulder. “Mrs Munn will be very proud,” he said.
“Oh, no, she’s dead,” I told him. “She was hit by a bus when I was eight. Twice, actually.”
“Twice?”
“It reversed.”
Mr Lawson’s face fell. “Right. Oh, I see. Well... Good job, anyway.”
I returned to my seat with the applause ringing in my ears. “That was, like, totally awesome,” said Chloe, not glancing up from her phone. She finished tapping on her screen. “Hashtag MrsMunn,” she said. “Boom! You’re on Instagram!”
“Um ... good?” I said. I glanced past her to Wayne. He gave me the briefest of brief nods and something that might, if studied under a microscope, be a smile.
Across the stage, the Foxley Hill team were leaning back in their chairs and scowling. They didn’t seem to have appreciated my speech the way everyone else had. I grinned and gave them a little wave as Mr Lawson approached the microphone.
“Now that the speeches have concluded, the teachers will retire to deliberate over their decision,” said the head. “There will be a short break, then the winner of this round will be declared.”
The Foxley Hill team stood up and huddled in a circle, taking it in turns to shoot a dirty look my way every few seconds.
“Beaky, you’re amazing!” said Evie as she and Theo hurried out of the wings. She glanced around at the others. “Your speech was amazing, I mean. Where did that come from?”
“My mouth,” I said. It was the truthful answer but it sounded a little mean when I said it, so I smiled and shrugged and hoped she didn’t take offence. I caught Theo grinning at me. “What?” I asked.
Theo rocked on his heels, still smiling. “Oh, nothing,” he said, then he gestured to Evie with his eyes and nodded his head very deliberately.
A few minutes later, Mr Lawson returned to the stage. He practically sprinted up the steps, his face lit up with excitement. Wayne, Chloe and I all took our seats, while Theo and Evie stood behind us, leaning on the back of our chairs.
“I think we won,” Wayne whispered, watching his dad bounce happily from foot to foot. “I don’t believe it. We actually won!”
“You think?” I said. “I find that very hard to believe. From next door, it sounded like you two were completely rubbish.”
Chloe looked up from her phone. “Rubbish at what?”
“The debate,” I said.
Chloe’s brow furrowed. “Debate?”
“The talking thing you did a minute ago,” I said.
“Oh,” said Chloe. “Yeah, we were terrible.”
“No, you weren’t,” said Wayne, but his heart wasn’t in it. Judging by his face, she must’ve been awful.
“Well, that didn’t take long, did it?” Mr Lawson said, barely able to contain his excitement. “It was quite an easy decision in the end.” He let out a high-pitched laugh and hopped around on the spot.
“Are you going to wet yourself, sir?” I said. To my amazement, he didn’t get angry.
“Not quite, Dylan, but I’m very pleased to report that after the debate round, both teams are now neck and neck with one point each!”
Across the stage, the Foxley Hill mob looked furious.
“We could win this. We could actually win this,” said Wayne, watching Mrs Moir shuffling over to update the scoreboard.
And there, in that moment, I started to believe he might even be right. We had drawn level with Foxley Hill for the first time in our school’s history. It was still all to play for and I suddenly had the feeling that we were unstoppable, like there was nothing we couldn’t do!
It was a feeling that wouldn’t last long.
After lunch, and after changing into the outdoor gear we’d been able to cobble together from the school supply cupboard, Theo, Evie, Chloe, Wayne and me stood at the edge of the forest near our school, listening to Mr Heft going over the safety checks. I say “listening” but we weren’t, really. Instead, we were looking up the track a little, where the Foxley Hill team were all gearing up.
“Check out their equipment,” said Theo, as the other school slipped their arms into their expensive-looking rucksacks. “It’s way better than ours.”
I looked down at the stuff our school had given us. One of my walking boots was bigger than the other and the rucksacks had so many holes in them they almost looked like nets.
“To be fair, it couldn’t really be any worse than ours,” I pointed out.
“Are you listening, lads?” said Mr Heft, looming over us like the massive giant he is.
“Yes, sir,” said Theo.
/> “Not even a little bit,” I said.
Mr Heft tutted and shook his head. “Right, well, as I was saying, this final round is the most difficult of all. Both teams will be dropped at a spot in the woods and have to use their map and compass to find a hidden flag. Once each team has found their flag, they’ll then have to navigate to their campsite, light a campfire and settle in for the night.”
“Do we have tents?” asked Evie.
“Yes, they’re already set up and waiting for you,” said Mr Heft. “They’re a bit ... tired, but they’ll do. Tomorrow morning, an alarm will go off in each camp and both teams will then have to navigate quickly to the obstacle course in the middle of the woods, complete it, then run to the finish line with your flag.”
He put his immense hands on his even more immense hips. “Any questions?”
I put my hand up. Mr Heft sighed.
“Yes, Dylan?”
“Do these woods have giant bears in them?”
“No, Dylan.”
I put my hand down.
I raised it again.
“Yes, Dylan?”
“Do these woods have normal-sized bears in them?”
“No, Dylan. They don’t have any bears. Or tigers. Or leopards. Or anything else.”
“Squirrels?” I said.
“Well, yes, they might have squirrels, I suppose.” Mr Heft shook his head, like he was annoyed at himself for getting involved in this conversation. “Anyway, the point is, it’s all very safe. The teachers from both schools won’t be far away and you can always reach us on the walkie-talkies if you come across any problems.” He raised a finger. “Although, if you do use the walkie-talkies, you’ll forfeit the round.”
“And why can’t we have our phones?” asked Chloe. Mr Lawson had made us leave our mobiles back at the school, safely locked in his desk drawer. Chloe was already pale and twitching.
“Because then you’d all just use GPS and cheat,” said Mr Heft. He looked me up and down. “Not that you’ll need to cheat with Dylan on the team. This will be a walk in the park for you,” he grinned, looking straight at me.
“Hmm?” I said.
“You know, what with your survival skills and everything?”
I frowned. “Survival skills?”
“Yes,” said Mr Heft. “You told us all about it at the start of the year. About that time you were washed overboard from a ferry when you were nine and had to spend three weeks surviving in the wild.”
I laughed. “Ah, yes! I remember saying that now,” I said. I braced myself, knowing full well what was about to come out of my mouth. Mr Heft had seemed really impressed when I told him about the three weeks I spent living wild after the incident with the ferry. But he would probably go ballistic when he found out I’d made the whole thing up.
Which was a shame, because he was about to find out right now.
“You see, the thing is, though...” I began.
“He doesn’t like to talk about it,” said Theo, stepping in front of me. “It brings back bad memories.”
“Oh, right. Yes, of course,” said Mr Heft. He passed me a little plastic folder containing a map and compass. “Still, since it seems no one else on the team can read a map or use a compass, I’m putting you in charge.”
“Him? He’s not in charge,” said Wayne. “I’m in charge!”
“Oh, thank God for that,” I said, trying to pass him the folder. He didn’t take it.
“And since I’m in charge, I’ve decided that you can do the map-reading. I’ll look after the walkie-talkie,” Wayne said, taking the handset from Mr Heft and clipping it to his belt.
“Right, I’ll hike with you to the starting point, then you’re on your own,” said the teacher.
“Where’s Mrs Moir?” asked Evie.
“She’s, er, looking after the minibus,” Mr Heft said.
“Do you mean she’s sleeping in it, sir?” I asked.
“Possibly,” Mr Heft admitted. “She’s had a lot of excitement for one day. But she’ll meet you at the obstacle course in the morning.”
“At the speed she walks, she’d better set off now,” I said.
“Very funny, Dylan,” said Mr Heft, although the expression on his face suggested it wasn’t really. “Now everyone grab your stuff and let’s get going.”
“Foxley Hill ready!” cheered the other team, doing their standing-in-a-circle handshake thing again.
“Ugh, that looks so stupid,” said Wayne, glaring at them.
We all pulled on our rucksacks. Wayne and Chloe had both brought their own, but the rest of us were using the ancient and threadbare ones we’d borrowed from the school. I wouldn’t have been surprised if these same rucksacks had been used in the original Wagstaffe Cup contest, decades ago.
Chloe’s bag was bigger than everyone else’s. She bent to pick it up, then thought better of it. “Hey, Wayne,” she said, fluttering her mascara-coated eyelashes. “Would you do me a favour and carry my bag for me?”
“What? Yeah! Of course, no problem!” said Wayne, lunging for the bag. He grabbed a strap and swung it over his free shoulder, then almost toppled into the bushes. “Blimey, what’s in it?” he asked.
“Just some make-up, shoes, a few changes of clothes, an iron... The necessities,” said Chloe. “It’s not too heavy, is it? I always thought you were really strong.”
“Heavy? This?” Wayne squeaked, his face turning an uncomfortable shade of red. “Ha! I could carry this with my eyes shut.”
“Well, yeah, because that wouldn’t affect the weight in the slightest, would it?” I said.
“Shut up, Beaky,” Wayne wheezed. He forced a smile, despite the fact he was now leaning to one side and having to concentrate to walk in a straight line. “Now, let’s get a move on.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “Before your spine snaps in two.”
And with that, we pushed on into the woods.
Twenty minutes later we stood in a clearing, trying to figure out which way up the map went. Mr Heft had led us to our drop-off spot, made us shut our eyes while he spun us in circles, then he’d disappeared into the woods, leaving us to fend for ourselves. To say it wasn’t going well was a bit of an understatement.
“What do you mean, you can’t read a map?” Wayne snapped. “I thought you were a survival expert?”
“Oh no, definitely not,” I said. “I sometimes get lost on the way to the shops. The closest I’ve ever come to wilderness survival is the time I fell in a bush and had to stay there for an hour until someone pulled me out.”
“But ... what about the ferry?” Wayne asked.
“Oh, no, that was a complete lie,” I admitted. “Sorry.”
“Can you use a compass?”
“Only the ones you draw circles with,” I said.
“Great!” said Wayne. “So now what do we do?”
“Here, let me see the map,” said Evie. She spread it out on a fallen tree trunk and we all bent over to look at it. “What do we see?”
“A map,” said Chloe.
“Yes, well spotted,” said Evie. “But what do we see on the map?”
“Writing,” Chloe said. “Little trees! A blue bit!”
“Our flag,” said Theo, pointing to a little red flag-shaped sticker in the middle of a forest area.
“Exactly,” said Evie.
“My stuff was right, too,” Chloe pointed out.
“Yes, well done, Chloe,” said Evie, shooting her an encouraging smile. “Really useful.”
She shot me a sideways glance and half-rolled her eyes, then turned back to the map. I’d never really understood why Evie and Chloe were friends, since they had nothing in common and quite often didn’t even seem to like each other very much. Still, they were inseparable. It was a bit like me and Theo, I suppose. Only, you know, without the having nothing in common or not liking each other bit.
“So, our flag is here and this blue sticker is our campsite,” said Evie.
“How do you know?” asked Wayne.
/>
“Because it has the word ‘campsite’ written on it,” she explained.
Wayne leaned in closer and squinted. “Oh. Right. Yeah.” He straightened up. “So, what direction are they?”
Evie shrugged. “That, I don’t know. I’m not sure exactly where we are.”
“In the foresty bit,” said Chloe, gesturing vaguely to the wooded area of the map.
“I think she means where specifically are we?” said Theo. “As in, which direction do we need to go to find the flag?”
“Can’t you ask the compass?” Chloe suggested.
“Ask the compass?” I spluttered. “It’s not a Magic Eight Ball.”
Chloe took the compass from me and studied it. “Can you work it?” Theo asked.
“It’s broken,” said Chloe, giving it a shake. “It just keeps pointing to the N.”
“No,” Evie began, then paused and sighed. “Yeah, you’re right, it’s broken.”
“That’s, like, so not fair,” said Chloe. “Wherever we’re going, we need to get there soon.” She pointed down to her pristine white trainers. “All this grass and mud is doing my shoes no favours.”
“Right, OK,” Evie said. “So, does anyone have any idea how we can figure out where we are?”
There was some shuffling of feet, but no one replied.
“No, thought not,” said Evie. “In that case, we’re pretty much lost in the woods with no clue how to get to where we’re going. Agreed?”
There was some muttering of agreement. “Yeah,” said Wayne. “S’pose.”
Evie shrugged. “Then I think we’re going to have to radio Mr Heft for help.”
“But then we’ll lose the contest,” Wayne protested.
“Better than losing our lives,” Theo pointed out.
Super Creepy Camp Page 6
