LETTER XLIV
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MRS. NORTONMONDAY NIGHT, JULY 24.
MY DEAR MRS. NORTON,
Had I not fallen into fresh troubles, which disabled me for several daysfrom holding a pen, I should not have forborne inquiring after yourhealth, and that of your son; for I should have been but too ready toimpute your silence to the cause to which, to my very great concern, Ifind it was owing. I pray to Heaven, my dear good friend, to give youcomfort in the way most desirable to yourself.
I am exceedingly concerned at Miss Howe's writing about me to my friends.I do assure you, that I was as ignorant of her intention so to do as ofthe contents of her letter. Nor has she yet let me know (discouraged, Isuppose, by her ill success) that she did write. It is impossible toshare the delight which such charming spirits give, without theinconvenience that will attend their volatility.--So mixed are our bestenjoyments!
It was but yesterday that I wrote to chide the dear creature for freedomsof that nature, which her unseasonably-expressed love for me had made hertake, as you wrote me word in your former. I was afraid that all suchfreedoms would be attributed to me. And I am sure that nothing but myown application to my friends, and a full conviction of my contrition,will procure me favour. Least of all can I expect that either yourmediation or her's (both of whose fond and partial love of me is so wellknown) will avail me.
[She then gives a brief account of the arrest: of her dejection under it: of her apprehensions of being carried to her former lodgings: of Mr. Lovelace's avowed innocence as to that insult: of her release by Mr. Belford: of Mr. Lovelace's promise not to molest her: of her clothes being sent her: of the earnest desire of all his friends, and of himself, to marry her: of Miss Howe's advice to comply with their requests: and of her declared resolution rather to die than be his, sent to Miss Howe, to be given to his relations, but as the day before. After which she thus proceeds:]
Now, my dear Mrs. Norton, you will be surprised, perhaps, that I shouldhave returned such an answer: but when you have every thing before you,you, who know me so well, will not think me wrong. And, besides, I amupon a better preparation than for an earthly husband.
Nor let it be imagined, my dear and ever venerable friend, that mypresent turn of mind proceeds from gloominess or melancholy; for althoughit was brought on by disappointment, (the world showing me early, even atmy first rushing into it, its true and ugly face,) yet I hope that it hasobtained a better root, and will every day more and more, by its fruits,demonstrate to me, and to all my friends, that it has.
I have written to my sister. Last Friday I wrote. So the die is thrown.I hope for a gentle answer. But, perhaps, they will not vouchsafe meany. It is my first direct application, you know. I wish Miss Howe hadleft me to my own workings in this tender point.
It will be a great satisfaction to me to hear of your perfect recovery;and that my foster-brother is out of danger. But why, said I, out ofdanger?--When can this be justly said of creatures, who hold by souncertain a tenure? This is one of those forms of common speech, thatproves the frailty and the presumption of poor mortal at the same time.
Don't be uneasy, you cannot answer your wishes to be with me. I amhappier than I could have expected to be among mere strangers. It wasgrievous at first; but use reconciles every thing to us. The people ofthe house where I am are courteous and honest. There is a widow wholodges in it [have I not said so formerly?] a good woman; who is thebetter for having been a proficient in the school of affliction.
An excellent school! my dear Mrs. Norton, in which we are taught to knowourselves, to be able to compassionate and bear with one another, and tolook up to a better hope.
I have as humane a physician, (whose fees are his least regard,) and asworthy an apothecary, as ever patient was visited by. My nurse isdiligent, obliging, silent, and sober. So I am not unhappy without: andwithin--I hope, my dear Mrs. Norton, that I shall be every day more andmore happy within.
No doubt it would be one of the greatest comforts I could know to haveyou with me: you, who love me so dearly: who have been the watchfulsustainer of my helpless infancy: you, by whose precepts I have been somuch benefited!--In your dear bosom could I repose all my griefs: and byyour piety and experience in the ways of Heaven, should I be strengthenedin what I am still to go through.
But, as it must not be, I will acquiesce; and so, I hope, will you: foryou see in what respects I am not unhappy; and in those that I am, theylie not in your power to remedy.
Then as I have told you, I have all my clothes in my own possession. SoI am rich enough, as to this world, in common conveniencies.
You see, my venerable and dear friend, that I am not always turning thedark side of my prospects, in order to move compassion; a trick imputedto me, too often, by my hard-hearted sister; when, if I know my ownheart, it is above all trick or artifice. Yet I hope at last I shall beso happy as to receive benefit rather than reproach from this talent, ifit be my talent. At last, I say; for whose heart have I hitherto moved?--Not one, I am sure, that was not predetermined in my favour.
As to the day--I have passed it, as I ought to pass it. It has been avery heavy day to me!--More for my friends sake, too, than for my own!--How did they use to pass it!--What a festivity!--How have they now passedit?--To imagine it, how grievous!--Say not that those are cruel, whosuffer so much for my fault; and who, for eighteen years together,rejoiced in me, and rejoiced me by their indulgent goodness!--But I willthink the rest!--Adieu, my dearest Mrs. Norton!--
Adieu!
Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 7 Page 43
