That’s all for now. I’m sure as you hone the manuscript I will have more specific notes.
Also, please call me at your convenience to discuss travel plans for Thanksgiving. Mei-Ling and I would appreciate it if you and Jane could arrive in Boston in time for dim sum at 10:30 a.m. on Thursday, before you head to your mother’s for more normative holiday fare and then on to Italy. Allow extra time to get to the airport, as we are on a tight schedule; if you miss your flight like last year, your goose will be cooked.
That said, Mei-Ling and I plan to serve goose as an entrée. Let me know if you have any dietary restrictions.
Love,
Dad
Acknowledgments
I owe a massive debt to my incredible agent, Monika Verma, at Levine Greenberg Rostan, who spent two years becoming a multihyphenate in my life (agent-sister-friend-drinking buddy-confidante-wing woman). From our first overly formal lunch where I was intimidated by her tasteful, patterned blouse, to the final edit, when our shorthand had evolved to include emojis and YELLING FEEDBACK OVER TEXT, I would and could not have done this without her.
I’m also so thankful for the team at Henry Holt, for encouraging me to lean into the emotional undercurrents lurking in my comedy. My wry, whip-smart editor, Serena Jones, always made me feel I was in capable hands, and like I was a fun respite from her usual editorial work on nine-hundred-page historical nonfiction tomes about the history of Manchuria or whatever. I’m very grateful to Allison Adler, who initially saw the potential in this book and went to the mat for it, and to Emma Allen at the New Yorker for her support of these letters long before the idea of a book had occurred to me. Also Jason Richman of the United Talent Agency and Johnny Pariseau (formerly thereof), for helping me cross over into this community and for being my kindred spirits in loving the highbrow and lowbrow equally, i.e., understanding that the best place to talk about who’s getting the Booker Prize is a garbage dive bar.
I can’t thank my family enough for being so supportive and brilliant, specifically Margaret, Barry, Juliana, Megan Fogel, and Cappy Fogel. Dad, that Oxford comma was for you.
And last but not least, there’s my de facto family—my community of close friends who were always there to read drafts and talk me through the writing process during meditative walks around various reservoirs, over midnight snacks at over-lit frozen yogurt franchises, and in epic phone marathons while one or both of us sat in Los Angeles traffic. They are, in alphabetical order: Taryn Aronson, Ginny Fleming, Jared Frieder, Julie Fulton, Amy Funkenstein, Meredith Goldstein, Maryhope Howland, Elinor Hutton, David Iserson, Julia Jones, Aditi Khorana, Jordana Mollick, Abdi Nazemian, Daria Polatin, Jaime Reichner, Margaret Riley, Julia Ruchman, Larry Salz, Nona Schamus, Stacey Vanek Smith, and Dahvi Waller.
One of those people is actually my therapist. I’d like her to know how much I appreciate her too.
About the Author
SUSANNA FOGEL is a Rhode Island native and apologist. She writes and directs films and television, including the comedy feature Life Partners and the ABC television series Chasing Life. She is an alumna of the Sundance Screenwriters Lab and Columbia University. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker and Time magazine. She lives in New York and Los Angeles. And she has bangs, obviously. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Your Dad Is Less Than Thrilled about Your Childhood Dream
Your Mom Wants to Reassure You That What She Just Caught You Doing Is Totally Natural
Your Dad Does Not Care to Negotiate with You about Hanukkah
The NordicTrack in Your Dad’s Office Just Wanted to Say Goodbye
Your Very Intense Aunt Just Has a Few House Rules
Your Mother’s Goddaughter, Who Has Always Been Like a Sister to You, Was a Real Bitch Last Weekend
Your Eight-Year-Old Sister Had To Write This Letter for School
Your Hot Cousin Paul and His Friends Might Want to Chill Later
Your Grandma Rose Just Got a Yahoo Account
Your Mom, Who Hasn’t Seen Your Dad Since the Divorce, Wants to Talk Logistics for Your Graduation Weekend
Your Dad, Who Hasn’t Seen Your Mom Since the Divorce, Wants to Talk Logistics for Your Graduation Weekend
Your Fourteen-Year-Old Sister, Who Is Dating a Seventeen Year Old, Can’t Wait for Her First Trip to New York
Your Favorite ’90s Musicians Would Like to Drop Some Knowledge on You
Your Fifteen-Year-Old Sister Has Some Tips on How to Blow Your Guy’s Mind
Your Mom Does Not Need You to Write Her Back!
Your Sister Said Something Racist to Your Dad’s New Girlfriend
Your Grandma Rose Just Heard about Your Dad’s New Fiancée
Your Dad, a 50-something Neurologist, Can’t Fucking Wait for His Bachelor Party
Your Mom, Who Just Found Out Your Dad Is Getting Remarried, Is Really Ready to Get Back Out There
Your Mom Found the Singles Retreat She Just Attended Problematic
Your Dad Has Some Feedback on the Wedding Toast You Gave
Your Sister Thinks Your Dad’s Speech Was Bullshit
Your Dad’s Friend Who Makes You a Little Uncomfortable Thought It Was Great Seeing You
Your Asian Stepmother Would Like to Reassure You That Your Dad Doesn’t Have a Power Thing
The Gerbil You Drowned in 1990 Would Like a Word with You
Your Sister in Arizona, Who Owns Guns, Doesn’t Understand Your Taste in Men
Your Dad Would Like to Chime In about Your Latest Breakup
Your Grandma Rose Is Still Not Feeling This E-mail Thing
Your Uncle Ken, Who Has Never Had a Girlfriend, Is Loving His Trip to Disney World
Your Sister, Who Has Questions about Your Uncle’s Lifestyle, Has a Great Idea for His Birthday Gift
Your Mother’s Goddaughter, Who Crashed with You for Many Days, Is Sorry She Didn’t Have Any Time to Hang Out
Your Grandma Rose Isn’t So Sure about California
Your Dad, Who Was a Doctor by Twenty-Five, Just Heard about Your Entry-Level Day Job
Your Mom Thinks You Should Be Very Proud!
Your Hot Cousin Paul, on the Fact That You Accidentally Just Swiped Right on Each Other’s Tinders
Your Little Sister, Whose Last Boyfriend Worked Part-Time at a Tire Store, Thinks Your Taste in Men Is Improving
Your Mom, Who Lives Alone in a Condo, Is Extremely Excited about Your New Boyfriend
Your Grandma Rose Has Some Questions about Your Interracial Relationship
Your Dad, Who Asked Your Last Boyfriend If He Watches Porn, Is Wondering Why He Hasn’t Met Your New Guy
Your New Boyfriend’s Dog Has Some Words of Caution
Your Grandma Rose Heard You Got Fucked Over
Your Grandma Rose Has a Slightly Different Take on Infidelity
Your Dad, a Neurologist, Has Some Advice about Your Writing Career
Your Sister Thinks a Road Trip to Visit Her Slutty Birth Mom Might Be Fun
Your Emotionally Withholding Dad Has Some More Career Advice
Your Mom’s Rabbi Has a Great Idea for a TV Show!
Your Mom Needs Your Help Picking Out a Cool CD
Your Grandma Rose Is Sick of Her Friend’s Sexual Bragging
Your Dad, Who Lacks Boundaries, Wants to Talk about Your Body
Your Hot Cousin Paul Doesn’t Want Things to Be Awkward at His Wedding
Your Sister, Who Didn’t Pay Her Taxes Last Year, Was Wondering If She Can Crash with You
Your Dad’s Six-Year
-Old Son from His Second Marriage Discusses His Superior Childhood
Your Mom Is Grateful That You Made Her Look Cool
Your Dad’s Friend Who Makes You a Little Uncomfortable Has Been Keeping Up with Your Life on Facebook
Your Father, Who Is Probably on the Spectrum, Has a New Hobby
Your Late Grandfather, a Decorated Naval Officer, Is Wondering What Happened to Manhood
Your Mom Has Some Thoughts on This Year’s Holiday Releases
Your Sister, Who Is Sleeping with Her Supervisor at T. J. Maxx, Needs a Favor
Your Dad Just Heard about His Ex-Wife’s Adult Bat Mitzvah
YOUR MOM JUST WANTS TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT THE CAPS LOCK
Your Mom’s Brother, Who’s Obsessed with Disney, Has Been Looking at Tits
Your Grandma Rose Just Got Back from the Casino
Your Stepmother Has Some Theories about Why You’re Still Single
Your Dad, Who Represses Emotion, Is Feeling a Little Sentimental Today
Your iPhone Is Having Some Issues with Your Relationship
Your Dad Has Decided to Put You in the Middle
Your Sister Regrets Talking So Much Shit about Your Dad
Your Grandma Rose Has Thoughts about Your Dad’s Negotiating
Your Dad, the Most Jewish Person You Know, Is Having a Come-to-Jesus Moment
Your Sister Is Having an Emotional Experience in Target
Your Dad, Who Just Got a New Lease on Life, Has Another New Lease on Life
Your Sister, on Your Dad’s New Lease on Life
Your Mom Is Really Connecting with Her Lawyer as a Woman
Your Dad Figured He Would Keep Putting You in the Middle
Your Mom’s New Best Friend Sucks
Your Sister, on Your Mom Getting Fucked With
Your Mom Wanted to Run Her First Yelp Review by You
Your Dad Does Not Approve of Your Choice of Birthday Gift
Your Hot Cousin Paul, with Whom You Always Had a Vibe, Heard about Your Autobiographical Novel
Your Dad, Who Got Married at Twenty-Two, Has Some Wisdom about Navigating the Singles Scene
Your Grandma Would Love to Get You Laid
The Nice Jewish Guy Your Grandma Is Setting You Up With Is a Little Self-Conscious
The Nice Jewish Guy You Drunkenly Slept With Had a Great Time Last Night
The Nice Jewish Guy You Casually Slept With Just Wanted to Check In
The Nice Jewish Guy You Blew Off Would Like to Defend Himself
Your Grandma Rose Heard What Happened with the Nice Jewish Guy
Your Intrauterine Device Has Some Thoughts on Your Love Life
Your Dad’s Friend Who Makes You a Little Uncomfortable Is Happy to Help
Your Mother’s Goddaughter, Who Makes High Six Figures, Would Love to be Reimbursed
Your Sister Has Some Thoughts on Your Mother’s Goddaughter’s Invoice
Your Mom Has Some New Judgments She’d Like to Share
Your Chinese Stepmother Wishes to Honor Your Day Job
Your Dad, Who Just Joined Facebook, Has Another Request
Your Mom, Who Had Six Glasses of Wine Tonight, Was Just Thinking about You
Your Mother’s Goddaughter Just Has a Couple Super-Quick Things Before You Meet Her Baby
Your Grandma Rose Has Some News about Her Nemesis
Your Sister Would Like to Discuss Your Dad’s Facebook Page
Your Uncle Figured a Mass E-mail Was the Easiest Way to Discuss His Sexuality
Your Sister Just Got Your Uncle’s E-mail about His Sexuality
Your Grandma Rose Just Got Your Uncle’s E-mail about His Sexuality
Your Dad Just Learned about Your Uncle’s Sexuality from Social Media
Your Mother’s Goddaughter, Who Did Everything Right, Is Feeling a Little Lonely
Your Mom Has Mixed Feelings about the Technological Revolution
Your Dad Discusses the Optimal Family Vacation
Your Grandma Rose Is Really Looking Forward to Her Son’s Gay Beach Wedding
Your Mom Just Discovered Breaking Bad
Your Sister, on Your New Mormon Cousin
Your Sister Has an Update about Your New Mormon Cousin
Your Grandma Rose Has Been Communicating with Another Dimension
Your Sister Thinks Your Grandma Rose Might Be Losing Her Shit
Your Mom Has Been Having Some Issues with Regularity
The Container of Hummus in Your Grandma’s Hospital Room Has Another Take on Suffering
Your Dad, Who Never Liked His Mother-in-Law, Just Saw She Died on Facebook
Your Sister Has an Idea for How to Put the Fun in Funeral
Your Sister, Who Has Two Exes in Jail, Agrees That You Gotta Do You
Your Mom Can’t Help It, She’s a Romantic
Your Dad Would Like to Weigh In on a Decision You Already Made
Your Cousin Paul, Who Has Three Very Expensive Watches, Actually Did Something Interesting
Your Mother, a Therapist, Gets Why Your Cousin Smoked Crack
Your Sister Is Pretty Excited about Your Cousin’s Criminal Activity
Your Dad, on Your Breakup with Someone He Told You Not to Date
Your Stepmother Just Heard about Your Breakup with the Guy You Were Re-dating
Your Dad, Who Doesn’t Understand Your Career Goals, Just Found Out You Got Fired
Your Sister, Who Has Been Fired from Five Jobs, Wants to Welcome You to the Club
Your Mom Secretly Kind of Loves That You’re Having a Meltdown
Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandmother from Prussia Has a Question about Your Priorities
Your Sister in Arizona Recommends Fried Food
One of the Eggs You Just Froze Has a Question
Your Mother’s Goddaughter, Who Chemically Straightened Her Hair for Years, Now Appreciates Your Freak Flag
Your Emotionally Withholding Dad Just Heard about Your Recent Success!
Your Mom Thinks Jane Fonda Is Very Inspiring
Your Sister, Who Works in Retail in Arizona, Has to Tell You about Kimmel Last Night
Your Dad’s Friend Who Makes You a Little Uncomfortable Always Knew You Could Do It
Your Sister, Who Has a Career Now, Is Freaking the Fuck Out on the Job
Your Mom’s Rabbi’s TV Show May Actually Become a Thing
Your Mom Finished Reading the Book You Based on Your Family
Your Sister Finished Reading the Book You Based on Your Family
Your Dad Finished Reading the Book You Based On Your Family
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
NUCLEAR FAMILY. Copyright © 2017 by Susanna Fogel. All rights reserved. For information, address Henry Holt and Co., 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.
www.henryholt.com
Cover design and illustration by Adly Elewa
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Names: Fogel, Susanna, author.
Title: Nuclear family: a tragicomic novel in letters / Susanna Fogel.
Description: First edition.|New York: Henry Holt and Company, 2017.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016043920|ISBN 9781250165237 (paperback)|ISBN 9781627797924 (electronic book)
Subjects: LCSH: Jewish families—Fiction.|Domestic fiction.|Epistolary fiction.|Jewish fiction.|Satire.|BISAC: HUMOR / Topic / Marriage & Family.|HUMOR / Topic / Relationships.|FICTION / Humorous.
Classification: LCC PS3606.O396 2017|DDC 813/.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016043920
“Your Dad’s Friend Who Makes You A Little Uncomfortable Thought It Was Great Seeing You” by Susanna Fogel. First published in The New Yorker, March 25, 2016. Copyright © 2016 by Susanna Fogel. Reprinted by permission of The New Yorker. “Your Mom Has Some Thoughts on This Year’s Holiday Releases” by Susanna Fogel. First published in The New Yorker, December 3, 2015. Copyright © 2015 by Susanna Fogel. Reprinted by permission of The New Yorker. “Your
Mom Does Not Need You to Write Her Back” by Susanna Fogel. First published in The New Yorker, February 19, 2015. Copyright © 2015 by Susanna Fogel. Reprinted by permission of The New Yorker. “Your Dad’s Six-Year-Old Son With His New Wife Discusses His Superior Childhood” by Susanna Fogel. First published in The New Yorker, January 2, 2015. Copyright © 2015 by Susanna Fogel. Reprinted by permission of The New Yorker.
First Edition: July 2017
Our e-books may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945, extension 5442, or by e-mail at [email protected].
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
Nuclear Family Page 16
