by Mary Larkin
Leaving a note for Billy and Edith, telling them their whereabouts, they walked down to the Traveller’s Rest. In a quiet corner of the lounge Donald gripped her hand tightly. ‘Listen, Susan, I’ve been thinking. How’s about I go home with you, and you introduce me as your boyfriend. Then everybody will assume the baby is mine and your secret will be safe.’
She looked at this dear, caring man and wished with all her heart she could take him up on his offer. He would make a good, loving husband and father for some girl, but not for her. No, not for her. He deserved someone better. Still, to go home with him there to support her would be heaven. Squeezing his hand, she pushed temptation to one side. ‘Donald, you really are a good man. But can’t you see? That would only start up a new pack of lies. Besides, you have your job to consider.’
‘It’s coming up to Easter, I can easily get a few extra days off.’
‘Thanks, Donald. I really appreciate your concern. But it wouldn’t work out. If I have to . . . can I pretend we are close friends?’
‘You don’t have to pretend. We are close. I wish you were divorced, then I could propose to you - you know, put a ring on your finger.’ He lifted her left hand and rubbed the ring finger. ‘I’ve noticed you aren’t wearing your wedding ring. Could that possibly mean your divorce is through and you’re not saying?’
She was saved from answering him by the boisterous entry of someone through the lounge door of the pub. It was Billy. A wide grin on his face, he approached their table, obviously bursting with pride. ‘I couldn’t wait to tell you. It’s a girl. Six pounds six. Our first grandchild. What do you think of that?’
Rising to her feet, Susan gave him a warm hug. ‘That’s wonderful, Uncle Billy, congratulations. And so quick, too! I’m sure Aunt Edith is thrilled to bits. Is Margaret all right?’
‘She’s exhausted, but glad it’s all over. It wasn’t all that quick. Seems she’s been in labour since last night, but they knew we would be busy at the market and didn’t want to worry us.’
Donald thrust out his hand and Billy gripped it. ‘Congratulations, Billy. May you live long to enjoy your granddaughter. What would you like to drink?’
‘Thanks, Donald, but if I start drinking now, God knows what time I’ll get home and I’ve an early start in the morning.’ He glanced at their almost empty glasses. ‘Shall I wait for you? Are you ready to come back to the house?’
‘Not yet, Uncle Billy. We have something to talk over. We’ll be up shortly. I’m sure you’re hungry. Away and get your dinner before it’s all dried up. The pie’s delicious.’
‘See you later, then.’
Later that evening, when all the good wishes for their little granddaughter were over, Billy fetched a bottle of fine wine. ‘I’ve been saving this for an “occasion”. And I think this is a big occasion.’
The wine was duly poured, but as they raised their glasses to toast the baby, Susan felt tears run down her cheeks. Donald put an arm across her shoulders and gave her a hug.
‘What on earth’s the matter?’ Edith cried. ‘You haven’t started, have you?’
‘No! No, God forbid I’d be this early.’
It was Donald who explained. ‘I’m afraid Susan has had some bad news.’
A sob in her voice, Susan took over. ‘Mam has had a stroke, Aunt Edith. She’s in hospital. And Graham crashed his car on the way home from the airport yesterday. He’s in a bad way, so you see I have to go home as soon as possible.’
Edith groped for a chair and sat down. ‘Oh, my God. I can’t take it in. Rachel’s a young woman in her mid-forties. What on earth caused it?’
‘I don’t know.’ The tears fell faster and the fear uppermost in Susan’s mind rushed into words. ‘Perhaps she was worrying about me.’
‘Ah, don’t say that, Susan. We all worry about our children.’ Edith glanced at her husband. ‘I’ll have to go over with her, Billy.’
‘But . . .’ Billy stopped short. What he was about to say could not be said in front of Susan. It would sound so callous.
She smiled through her tears. ‘It’s all right, Uncle Billy. I know you can’t do without her at a busy time like this. And Margaret will need her help with the baby.’ She turned to Edith. ‘Tell you what. You can come over later on in the year, when you’re not so busy.’
‘If she’s very bad you’ll let me know, won’t you, Susan? I’ll come right away, market or no market.’
‘I’ll phone and let you know how things stand when I find out for myself.’
‘Billy.’ Edith turned to her husband. ‘Could you spare me for a few days when the market is closed after Easter?’
‘I’ll manage, love. But what about Margaret? Will she not need you?’
‘Margaret will be out of the hospital by then. Once back home, she will be okay.’
Billy looked dubious but held his tongue. It was only right that his wife should go over and see for herself how her only sister was. Margaret was a young woman; she would manage. She’d just have to!
Susan booked a very early morning flight and Donald insisted on driving her to the airport. He was grim-faced as he helped her with her luggage. When the flight number was called, he gathered her close. ‘Promise you won’t do anything foolish.’
‘What do you mean, foolish?’
‘I don’t really know what I mean. But don’t think you’re alone and be forced into something you don’t want. Do you hear me? Remember I’m here if you need me. A phone call will have me on the move in no time.’
‘I’ll have to go now. Thanks for everything, Donald.’ Gently she released her hands and with a final ‘thank you’ joined the queue heading through the security gate.
How she dreaded the next few hours. Would her father put her out? Her grandparents on her mother’s side now lived in Enniskillen; they would be tolerant of her plight, but lived too far away to be of any use to her, while her father’s parents were very strait-laced; they would frown on her wantonness, and that she could do without. She would need somewhere in Belfast to stay. Perhaps Ruth would be able to suggest somewhere. But that would mean everybody knowing her business. She would just have to play it by ear.
The flight to Aldergrove was short, but today it seemed shorter still. In no time they were told to fasten their seatbelts and soon they were taxiing along the runway and Susan prepared to meet her father’s wrath.
Heart in mouth, she descended the steps from the plane. She hoped Alison would be with her father. What if her sister was unable to come? After all, she had two patients to visit every day. It must be a terrible strain on her. Susan dreaded this first meeting with her father. In her big, loose winter coat her pregnancy was not immediately obvious. She hoped they wouldn’t notice until they were in the privacy of their own home.
The minute she entered the arrival lounge, Alison, with a cry of delight, swooped down on her and gripped her close. Her brows gathered together as she hugged her. Drawing back a little, she whispered, ‘So it’s true! You are expecting?’
‘Yes. Be careful. I hope Dad doesn’t notice until we get home.’
‘Ah, Susan. He’ll go berserk, so he will.’
‘Do you think I don’t know that? Why do you think I didn’t want to come home in the first place? Hush now. Here he comes.’
Trevor nodded briefly at his eldest daughter and reached for her suitcase. Then, without a word, he led the way out of the lounge and headed for the car park.
Although he held the passenger door open and motioned for Alison to sit in front with him, she declined. ‘I’ll sit in the back with Susan. Bring her up to date on how things are.’
The car door closed with unnecessary force and Alison grimaced as she climbed in beside Susan.
‘How is Mam?’
‘She has regained consciousness and recognises us, which is a good sign. They say it’s only a minor stroke and expect her to make a complete recovery.’
‘Poor Mam. I can’t remember her ever being ill before.’
&nb
sp; ‘We popped in to see her before coming here and I told her you were on your way home. She looked so pleased.’
‘What about Graham?’
‘He has also gained consciousness, but he’s in pain and they’re keeping him sedated. He has hardly spoken at all. His parents are devastated.’
‘And you? How do you feel?’
A tear escaped and ran down Alison’s cheek. With a warning glance at the back of her father’s head, she whispered, ‘Not now. Later. We’ll talk later.’
It was brought home to Susan, on the journey to Belfast, just how different her life had been for the last few months. She would miss Darlington! Over there she had been accepted for what she was; she had been taken at face value. Especially by Donald. He had been a true friend. Here tongues would wag and the finger would be pointed at her. She would be in disgrace.
She quickly left the car and hurried up the steps to her home. The confrontation with her father was imminent.
‘I’ll make a pot of tea and then we’ll go and see Mam.’ With these words Alison removed her coat and headed for the kitchen.
Slowly Susan followed her example and, hanging her coat in the cloakroom, went after her. The big clock adorning a prominent place on the wall showed it was still only eleven o’clock in the morning. ‘Will we be allowed into the hospital this early?’ she queried.
Alison glanced over her shoulder to reply, then swung round in amazement to gaze at her sister’s bump. ‘Oh, God. You’re quite big, aren’t you?’ she whispered, her dismay apparent. ‘I didn’t realise . . .’ Her voice trailed off. ‘Dad will do his nut when he sees you.’
Not wanting to be reminded just how her father would react, Susan repeated tersely, ‘Will we be allowed into the hospital this early?’
‘We can visit any time we like at the moment. It’s the same with Graham; although he’s off the critical list now, we can still go in any time. His mother haunts the hospital. She disapproves of me because I don’t do likewise. But I had Mam to think about and Dad to look after. I couldn’t sit in the Royal all day. Besides, he slept most of the time and it frightened me to see him so helpless. It will be easier now you’re here.’ Her eyes were still fixed on the bump. ‘Is it . . . is it Jim Brady’s?’
‘No! It’s not, and I wish you’d give Jim a rest. I don’t want to hear his name mentioned again.’
‘When are you due?’
‘I’m not sure. End of June or beginning of July.’ Susan silently prayed she would go that length of time, but it was more likely to be early May. Hearing footsteps crossing the hall, she whispered warningly, ‘Hush. Here’s Dad.’
Susan turned to face her father as he followed them into the kitchen, a defiant tilt to her head.
His eyes raked her from head to toe and the look in them said everything. ‘I knew it! You’re nothing but a dirty wee slut.’ He turned on his heel and left the kitchen.
‘Oh, Susan, don’t look like that. He doesn’t really mean what he says half the time. He’ll come round.’
Fighting back tears, Susan said, ‘Well, that was short and sweet. I’m not really bothered what he says to me. It’s those looks of his - he can make you feel so small. And as to him coming round? I don’t care whether he does or not. I am only here because of Mam. He can go to hell for all I care.’ A tear escaped and she brushed it impatiently away with the back of her hand. ‘I suppose I should be glad he didn’t order me out of the house. I’ll have to watch my p’s and q’s and not give him any excuse to throw me out.’
At the hospital it was a quiet period. The patients had been prepared for the consultant’s visit and the nurses were busy getting the wards ready for the great man’s arrival. Rachel shared a small ward with an elderly patient. This woman was asleep, but Rachel lay, eyes fastened on the doorway, awaiting the arrival of her eldest daughter. Her eyes met and clung to Susan’s when she at last came through the door.
Sinking to her knees beside the bed, Susan pressed her cheek against her mother’s. ‘Mam, Mam, I’m so sorry. Is this all my fault?’
Concern clouded Rachel’s eyes and she gripped her daughter’s hand tightly with her own good one and shook her head.
Glad that her mother’s mind seemed unimpaired, and wanting her to know the bad news before her father arrived, Susan whispered, ‘Mam, I’ve some bad news. I’m expecting a baby.’
Rachel’s eyes sought Alison’s. She understood and answered the unspoken question. ‘Yes, Dad knows, and he isn’t very happy about it.’
The grip on Susan’s hand tightened and Susan cried, ‘Don’t you worry about me. I can handle Dad. Thank God, you’re not as bad as I imagined you’d be. Once we get you home, we’ll soon have you on your feet again. And what do you think? Aunt Edith is coming over to visit for a couple of days next week. Also, you are a great-aunt now! Jack’s wife had a baby girl yesterday.’
Rachel smiled her crooked smile. It faded as she glanced over her daughter’s shoulder. Turning her head to see the cause, Susan saw that her father had entered the room. Ignoring her, he bent over his wife.
‘Are you feeling any better today, dear?’
She nodded, her eyes wary.
‘No thanks to her!’ Trevor continued with a glare at Susan. ‘What do you think of all this, eh, Rachel? Our daughter’s nothing but a common little slut.’
Rachel’s hand clawed agitatedly at the bedclothes and, afraid he would upset her still further, Susan rose quickly to her feet. Kissing Rachel on the cheek, she whispered, ‘It’s great to see you, Mam. I’ll be back later.’
Their next visit was to the Royal Victoria Hospital. Not waiting for their father to come out and give them a lift over, they walked down Crumlin Road to Carlisle Circus and caught a bus into the city centre. From there they got another one up the Falls Road.
During the journey, each remained lost in her own thoughts. It wasn’t until they left the bus and were walking down Grosvenor Road that Alison spoke of her anxiety. ‘You’ll find a change in Graham. He’s so thin, he seems to have shrunk, and I’m worried about the results of his X-rays.’
‘What if it’s bad news, Alison? What will you do?’
‘I don’t know. I’m terrified at the idea of being married to a cripple.’
‘As long as you love him, you’ll see it through.’
Panic in her voice, Alison cried, ‘That’s just it! I don’t think I love him enough. What if I can’t go through with it? What then, Susan? I’m out of my mind with worry.’
‘Whatever you do, don’t make any decisions yet,’ Susan warned. ‘Wait until you know how bad he is. You can’t let him down now. That would be cruel. It could even set him back no end. He needs assurance that you’ll be there for him.’
Blinking back tears, Alison led the way up some stairs and down a corridor. She motioned towards a doorway. ‘He’s in here.’
Graham had a small ward to himself. He lay flat on his back, his legs hidden by a blanket-covered cage, his arm in plaster. His bed was close by the high, narrow window and he was gazing blankly out at the heavy grey clouds that obscured the sky. His mind was as leaden as the sky. What was to become of him? His face in repose was very sad; a droop to the lips, thick eyelashes shadowing pale cheeks. He was unaware of them until Alison spoke. ‘Look who’s here to see you, Graham.’
His head swung slowly in their direction, and a smile lit his gaunt features when he saw Susan. ‘You came home after all then?’
‘I had no choice. I came because of Mam’s illness, Graham.’
‘Rachel’s ill?’ He looked askance at Alison. ‘You never told me.’
‘You were too ill! This is the first chance I’ve had. How do you feel, love?’
‘Oh, not too bad, considering. I’ll survive.’
‘I’m surprised your mother isn’t here.’ Alison peered fearfully around as if expecting Alma Robson to pop up from nowhere.
Guessing the line of her thoughts, Graham smiled. ‘She was! I made her go home. I know she means well,
but she was driving me round the bend with her fussing. ’ He smiled at Susan. ‘I’m glad you decided to come home, no matter what the reason. Your place is here with your family. You need their support at this time.’
Alison was indignant and showed it. ‘You knew she was pregnant and you never said?’
‘I never got the chance. Remember, I was out cold most of the time. But as I said to her, and repeat yet again. Your place is here with your family.’
‘What about the baby’s father? If it’s not Jim Brady, who is it and why isn’t he here to support her? That’s what I’d like to know,’ Alison cried.
Graham was quick to get his oar in. ‘I’m sure the father would be only too willing to support her, given the chance.’
Avoiding his accusing eye, Susan retorted, ‘I wish you’d all mind your own business! All will be revealed in due course.’
‘Will it, Susan? The truth and nothing but the truth? We’ll see about that. Is Donald with you?’ Graham asked diffidently.
‘Donald? Who’s Donald?’
‘A friend of mine,’ Susan informed her sister. ‘No, Graham. He wanted to come, but I put him off. He sends his regards, and so do Edith and Billy. Jack’s wife has had her baby. It’s a little girl.’
Relieved that Donald wouldn’t be hanging around, Graham said, ‘I’m glad to hear that. She seemed a nice girl.’
‘Huh! That’s a matter of opinion.’
‘Graham, you have obviously met all these people, so why did you not ring and tell me about them?’
‘That was my fault, Alison. I tried to persuade Graham to keep quiet about this.’ She grimaced down at her stomach. ‘I don’t think I succeeded, though, did I?’ She glanced in Graham’s direction. ‘You were going to blow the whistle on me, weren’t you?’
