by Lila Lacroix
He shuffled closer, their thighs touched and he peeled her hair from her tear-soaked cheeks.
She tried not to surrender to the urge to stop there, to melt into the security of her here and now, into the loving arms of Jonathan. “Took years, but eventually I understood. I never did turn him into a monster, he just was one.”
“I can’t believe you went through all that, were going through all that, and I never knew any of it.” Jonathan’s brows pinched.
Vanessa saw his need and wanted to weep, “I know.” He stood, then walked away, her heart pounding in her ears. Quietly she said, “I should have told you.” Tears turned into a sob, she plucked more tissues from the box and cried into them.
Jonathan returned from the kitchen having poured them both a glass of Shiraz, chewing his lip, deep in thought.
“Tell me you forgive me, Jonathan.”
He scoffed, shook his head, “Forgive you? Heaven’s Ness, you were running scared. You somehow got through it all, escaped him, and secured a life away from that swine here in Honolulu. You couldn’t jeopardise that for anything. Who was I but some jumped up fool asking you to sign confidentiality agreements and marry me for money? Whose major problem, by the way, now seems ridiculous in light of yours.”
The relief of his compassion joined the alcohol in her blood stream, and finally, she found blessed analgesia.
They both gulped on the wine, then he said, “So no, of course you couldn’t tell me. I get that even after how close we have become, how raising the subject with me … must have been tough.”
She gulped two more swigs of her wine, put her glass on the floor and leant closer to kiss his marvellous mouth for the words spilling forth. Then she breathed, “How did I get so lucky?” and smiled softly, tears still running down her face.
“Lucky?” he frowned, clearly thinking she’d been anything but.
“In finding you,” she kissed him again, “Thank you, for accepting this whole mess, and for not making me feel bad about it.”
“Oh.” He wiped her wet face with his thumbs, “Hey, no more tears.” Cupping her cheeks with his generous palms, he said, “You have nothing to feel bad about.” He moved his hands to her shoulders, and looked into her eyes, “Hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken the liberty of making a few enquiries on your behalf. Legal enquiries.”
“Okay?” She resumed drinking her wine, enjoying its effect and the buzz of relief from her confession, both as welcome as the end to an intense cramp.
“I’m going to sort it out. He won’t hurt you again.”
“But you’re well known in Hawaii. It wouldn’t be hard for Mike to figure out where we live, when we have no idea where he is. Could be anywhere.” She physically clenched in her seat and looked longingly at her empty wine glass.
“Hey now, let me worry about it. I’ll sort something out, I promise. Like you said, I’m well known, I’ll find him before he finds us.”
“Oh Jon, how will you sort it out? He could be anywhere. He might have changed his name like ...” She realised she hadn’t gone into the practical details of making her escape and thought she’d leave those for another day. “… people do.”
“Well, there are ways we can legally ensure he stays away from you. I swear to you…”
She noticed herself scratching again, finding his reassurances too fantastic to believe.
“Vanessa,” he aimed her gaze at his with a delicate finger under her chin, “Please look at me. I will do everything I can to ensure not only your safety, but also your freedom to live in this world without fear.”
She wrapped her arms around him, and whispered into the bend of his neck, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Holding tight, adoring the effects of alcohol, of the cathartic shedding of too long withheld secrets, and the simple kindness of the man she loved, she almost believed it. But with Mike free, she doubted she would ever live truly without fear.
* * *
Vanessa purchased herself a new mace canister off the internet, and while walking even from the car to the elevator, or from one shop to another, one hand rested on it in her pocked at all times. She also stepped up her kickboxing training, having slackened off during her relationship with Jonathan.
Laziness will not kill me! I will not allow weakness to end my life—not now. Not after all I’ve been through.
Roger turned up after work, at the gym, and lingered in the parking lot of their apartment block. She knew Jonathan had sent him to keep an eye on her. Not in the creepy obsessive way Mike might, but because he cared about her safety. “Hey Rog, fancy seeing you here, again.” She mocked, but she was always secretly relieved to see him.
“Good workout, Miss?”
“Same as yesterday, Monday, Saturday, and Friday, and every day the week before that, when you asked the same question right outside the very building.”
“Very good, Miss,” he chuckled, his chunky back bouncing with the effort.
“So, what are his-lordship’s instructions?”
“I don’t know what you mean. I just knew you’d be here and thought you might like a ride.”
“Weird that, because you never used to. And Jonathan never used to drive himself everywhere, either. We both know he loves his Scotch too much for that.”
“Oh, he just fears for you, is all.” A frown dulled his smile, “You know how it is.”
“I’ll get in then,” she said. “Didn’t fancy driving anyway. What about my car?”
“Let us worry about that.”
She shrugged.
He turned to address her through the partition, once she slid into the back of the limo. “You mind me coming, Miss?”
“Not at all. Let’s go home. I want to give my man a hug.” She smiled, enjoying the warmth that image gave her. As they left the street, she peered out of the window at busy people going about their business, living out their lives on another sunny day in Honolulu. But even securely locked in the limo, dread rumbled in her stomach like an unwelcome passenger, and a direct link to Mike, who waited for her somewhere amongst those strangers beneath the sun.
I’m once again your prisoner. Even now, after all this time.
* * *
“Come on, Ness. We’ll be late.”
Jonathan had organised for a meeting with his lawyer regarding a restraining order for Mike.
A trip to the hairdresser, while Jonathan attended an early meeting, left her hair restored to its natural colour. The appointment had been to get her roots done, she had always been vigilant with her disguise. But when she looked into the mirror, the longing to be Julia again was too strong. Mike had blown her disguise anyway, so she thought, why not. Plus, the courts might not be able to protect someone with a fake identity. She might even get in trouble for fraud.
The bathroom mirror reflected her grey eyes, paler than Jonathan’s, hers had a darker rim. She threw her brown contact lenses in the bin and smiled.
It was time to show Jonathan who she really was.
“Hello Julia Brookes. So good to see you again; it’s been too long,” she said to her reflection, and tried not to cry at this reunion with her old self. Sad yet overjoyed, afraid yet excited, she swallowed on emotions spanning years. “Time to meet your future husband, for better or for worse.”
Taking a deep breath, she left the bathroom and approached Jonathan, who was taking a call on his cell phone, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes closed.
Might be the wrong time to do this. Too late.
She stood awkwardly on display a few feet away, waiting for him to catch a glimpse of her.
Instead, Susan walked in and saw her first, “Wow, look at you. Quite the blonde bombshell, Vanessa.” She marched up to her. “And are you wearing contacts? Love that colour on you.”
Jonathan swung around and without saying a word to whomever he’d been listening to with such irritation, he clicked a button, threw the phone onto the sofa and inspected me, jaw slackened.
She pan
icked, engaging Susan instead of acknowledge his expression. “Um, actually Susan, I had my hair restored to its natural colour and threw away my brown contact lenses.” Jonathan still stared, gormless, but moved slowly closer. “It’s time I stopped hiding away, hey Jon?”
His hand covered his mouth, the other ran through his thick hair and clutched it tight at the crown, and his grey eyes glistened and widened. He went to say something, Vanessa thought, but he bent forward, hands on his knees, instead.
“Are you …?” Is he crying? Vanessa ran to him, and he cradled her face between his hands, one tear working it’s way down his cheek. Had she? “Oh shit, forgive me. I never want to hurt you.”
“You haven’t,” he met her desperate stare, “you just make me so damn proud.”
There was no holding back after that. Vanessa’s tears fell and they embraced with such emotion she thought he might crush her.
“I’ll leave you two to it.” Susan said, “Your tea is here when you want it.”
“Thanks Susan,” murmured Vanessa, eyes focussed on her sensitive man. Then to him she added, “We need tissues more than tea, don’t you think?”
“You know, on our first date at Nobu I just knew you were someone with a shell, one which didn’t necessarily illustrate the full wealth of possibility beneath it, and I knew the swan before me could never have been an ugly duckling. I suppose I always knew and always expected you to reveal yourself to me … in layers.”
“Something else you should know then.” She held out her hand, to shake his. He shook hers frowning at the weird behaviour. “Here goes” she inhaled, “… I’m Julia Brookes, pleased to meet you.”
“What?” he shook her hand but without conviction. “Even your name isn’t…?”
She shook her head, peering up through her lashes.
“Why bother with a disguise and keep your real name?” He visibly relaxed. “I get it.”
Jonathan looked away, at something in the distance. “And that’s why you didn’t want pictures taken, or the paper to announce our wedding, and possibly why you’ve struggled building your side of the guest list.”
Nodding, she said, “I hear the clicking of pennies dropping in your head.” She still couldn’t fully exhale. “Tell me, is this all okay with you? You’re taking this ... deception … unusually well.”
“I won’t lie, unlike you ...”
Vanessa gasped, but he was smiling. Ah, a joke?
Raising his hands in surrender, he grinned reassuringly and shrugged, “Of course this is strange. I mean look at you. Where’s my brown eyed, beauty?”
Vanessa grew self-conscious, touching her hair. “You prefer Vanessa?”
“You are Vanessa to me, whatever hair or eye colour you have, and are a beautiful woman either way. I only mean it’ll take some getting used to.”
What am I supposed to say to that? She smiled faintly, then she felt that small smile grow until it swallowed up her face.
“So,” Jonathan said, running his fingers through her hair, and doing something alluring with his eyebrows, “Do I call you Vanessa or Julia, and can we use any of this dual identity stuff in the bedroom?”
Yeah, I think he’s okay with it. Vanessa, or rather Julia, thoroughly exhaling, then they laughed together, awash with relief and another juicy layer of closeness.
* * *
They met with his lawyer Steve, and a week later, were in the limo, on their way to attend a court hearing about securing a restraining order against Mike.
Julia felt guilty about going through with the restraining order. She once loved Mike and believed his main issues to be due to alcohol, so it felt like she was punishing him for being ill. But regardless of his illness, he had no excuse to hurt her. That was her old self, the life of a girl she’d once known, the woman she knew herself to be now would not make excuses for him.
Afraid of giving evidence, of recounting painful, shameful details, she fought the burning bile in her oesophagus. They wouldn’t understand why she allowed such abuse to continue, why she’d lied to the police, as well as Jonathan.
“Hey, you’re pale and sweaty,” said Jonathan pulling her up close to him in the back of the limo. “I’m here with you, this is a good thing, and you are safe.”
“It’s not that. Well a little, maybe. But Jonathan. What will they think of me? I don’t think I can stand there and recount the sordid details for strangers.”
“You made the statement, the lawyers have gathered any police records and testimonies, let them do the rest. We just need to be there. They may ask questions, to verify one or two things, but the worst is over.”
Two hours later, they were leaving the courts, cheering the verdict after the judge found in Julia’s favour. The restraining order was official, but the celebrations ebbed when talk of how someone had to serve the injunction to Mike for to be of any use to Julia.
Even then, would he care enough about the legal ramifications to stop his crusade against her? These concerns were of course irrelevant as long as he remained hidden.
* * *
On their way home from the courts in the back of the limo, Julia had an idea. “We should go out to celebrate, Jon. Somewhere very public, somewhere accessible to the common man, and somewhere busy.”
“Oh,” he frowned, turning to face her, “but wouldn’t you rather wait till Mike is served? Wouldn’t you feel safer then?”
“He’s in the shadows right now, this might be the only way to bring him out into the light. Until then, I’m not hiding away any longer. I’m tired of it. He won’t bully me from afar for rest of my life.”
“Ah,” his eyebrows raised, and a delicious grin seized his face, “so this is your cunning plan to bring him out of the shadows?”
“I want this over with Jonathan. Living in fear is getting old and I have a wedding to plan. Mike being at large will make that process difficult and the wedding a nightmare. What if he turned up, he could ruin everything? We need to help them serve the order to him. We can do this.”
Jonathan held her face close to his, “You are the bravest person I know, Julia.”
The sound of her real name on his lips made her flesh tingle delightfully and warmed her heart, “So, I’m Julia today?”
“Julia is brave and bold,” he kissed her fingers, “she knows what she needs and takes no prisoners,” and then her cheeks, “she is wise, worthy, and…”
“Oh don’t. Stop it.” She retrieved her hands and squeezed them in her lap. She hadn’t known much praise through her life, it wasn’t how folks did things in her family, so she hadn’t learned how to accept it without cynicism. “This isn’t bravery, it’s necessity. Like everything else I’ve had to do because of Mike.”
“And that there, my dear, is your only negative attribute.” He flashed a warm grin, a hint of humour shining in his eyes.
“What is?” she said, throwing her shoulders back, equally unable to accept criticism.
“That you are blind to your many strengths, when who you are—as I have described—is evident to anyone else.”
Julia screwed her nose, “Oh.” Is that true? Do people really see me that way?
Jonathan tipped her chin up with one finger, focussing her attentions onto him, “But then, even that trait is charming. You are seriously hot, and you have no idea.”
“Nope, you’re wrong about that.” Julia sizzled, empowered by his vision of her. She did feel braver, stronger, lately. She was becoming Julia before Mike, but with all the benefit of the harsh lesson’s she’d learned. “Come to Mamma,” she sighed, grabbing his shirt in both fists and pulling him closer. Jonathan’s pupils swelled, his breaths deepened. When he looked at her mouth and licked his lips, a rush of desire for him overwhelmed her. She beamed before forcefully kissing his edible mouth, and as she did so, she reached to his side and clicked the button to close the partition screen. Roger could not see her next move.
As the screen closed, she straddled her man, unzipped his Armani trousers t
o access what she truly needed in that moment, before swiftly easing herself onto him. The surprise on Jonathan’s face and the groan on his throat sent shock waves through her core. As she rode him energetically, taking what she wanted, bold and brave, she breathed at his mouth, “Will I ever get enough of you?”
“Fuck, Julia,” Jonathan panted, gripping her hips, guiding the joyride with strength and perfect rhythm, “I hope not.”
* * *
It was a busy night in the city, holidaymakers, families, weekend revellers and courting couples loitered, giggled and canoodled everywhere.
They chose a local pizza place to eat. The kind of place Mike might frequent. And although she no longer cowered as she had once, physically she appeared as she did when they were together, so she’d stand out to Mike.
While they ate their pizza, and the hours passed, their expressions moved one from sly scans around their periphery, to flirtatious glances through lashes, to concerned handholding and gentle smiles.
“You okay, Jules?”
“You shortened it already. Two minutes you’ve used my real name and already three syllables is too much.” She scoffed, shaking her head at him, but smiled with her eyes.
“One of the only friends I had at school was Julian, or Jules for short. Do you hate it?”
“I’m not that precious.” He did have a friend at school then. “And yes, I’m fine thanks. Just wish he’d show up already so we can genuinely celebrate.”
He smiled, leaned forward and said softly, “Me too, although, our earlier celebration will be difficult to top. I’ve never had that kind of reaction to a compliment before.”
The thought of how powerful she’d felt taking him like that made desire snake up her legs again, “That was fuelled by an epiphany.” She took a swig of her water to cool down. “I’m afraid they don’t come along too often. Might be a while before that happens again.” Bobbing out her bottom lip, she tilted her head like a sad child.
