by M. V. Kasi
Slowly, she pried his arm away from her waist, and got up from his bed. Automatically, her eyes fell on his sleeping face.
She felt her heart squeeze tightly in her chest with intense longing. To be in his arms again. And to wake up next to him.
“I can’t do this,” she whispered softly.
She didn’t know whether she was saying that to him or to her own self. But she knew that she couldn’t go ahead with the plan. She also knew that the chances of accomplishing part of her goal within one night were also very slim. But there was no way she could meet him repeatedly on various nights, and do this with him.
Because she knew, that there was no way she could be with him for that long with her heart intact. She’d have to find another way.
But even as regret crushed her, she wrote him a small dismissal note, and left it next to him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
PRESENT
SIA STILL COULDN’T believe that she had succeeded in falling pregnant from that one night. Even though a month later, she had desperately hoped, and also dreaded for it to happen.
Her thoughts were interrupted when her phone rang next to her.
It was Ajay.
She answered it immediately because she had to try and convince him otherwise about the living arrangements.
“Ajay, I’ve had the time to think this over, and I’m sure you did too. We don’t have to live together. We can get married on paper for legalities and sort out the joint custody—”
“I haven’t changed my mind,” he said flatly. “I told you I want my child with me. Always. And if that means living in the same house with you, then so be it.”
“We can’t just get married and live together. We don’t even know each other that well,” she tried to reason desperately.
There was a momentary pause. “Well, familiarity is overrated. I have found that the less I knew about you, the better I liked you.” He was slurring slightly and sounded almost bored with the conversation.
“But you said you loved Jyotika and wanted to marry her. It’s still possible after a couple of years—”
“No, it’s not. You took away my choice!” he spit out.
“I—”
“As I’ve said repeatedly, we need to do what is best for our child.”
At that statement, she felt another long buried guilty conscience kick in at a rather inconvenient time. She couldn’t afford to, but she knew that he wouldn’t relent and he was right.
She had to do what was probably best for her child too. He wasn’t going to let go of his child that easily and neither was she.
A fierce surge of protectiveness swept over her. Suddenly her slightly ruined plans didn’t matter. Nor did her problems. And right then, the only thing that matters the most was the tiny life growing inside her. It had to come first, before anything else.
And a few months later, if the entire thing blew over, risking her life or freedom, then she would be relieved to have Ajay taking care of their child.
“Okay,” she conceded softly. “I will marry you, and live with you, but on a few conditions.”
“I don’t have to accept any of them.”
“You will…or I swear I’ll disappear before morning,” she bluffed again, crossing her fingers. Her voice had definitely lacked conviction.
She used to be such an accomplished liar. She wondered why she was weakening at this point in the game.
There was an ominous silence on the other end of the line.
“If you ever threaten me with my child, or use my child as a bargaining chip again, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life,” he said in a chilling tone.
Immediately, she felt ashamed, which was unusual. But even she couldn’t believe she had threatened him with their baby. Twice today. But apparently, she was discovering new things about herself each day.
“I won’t do it again. But hear me out completely. After we get married, I want us to live in my house. I-I already have good security here and my house is bigger and safer for the baby too,” she said.
There was silence again.
“Okay. I’ll move my things to your place then. I’ll also send you the details of the wedding and other paperwork involved,” he said.
“Fine. Meantime, I’ll ask my lawyer to draw up some documents as well. You should receive them shortly. Although, I’m yet to find out what the implications of this hasty marriage would be.”
There was silence. “Sia, I know…” he said.
Even though he was slurring slightly, his voice sent shivers running through her body. Unfortunately not in a good way.
He continued talking. “I know that you wanted us to get married. That you had planned it all along. But unfortunately for you, I didn’t exactly play by the rules you wanted me to. You didn’t expect me to demand that we live together or demand a full custody of my child.”
She didn’t reply. Couldn’t reply, because she was shocked at his intuitiveness.
“But remember this Sia. It’s my turn now,” he said, using the term reminiscent of their night together. “It’s my turn to control. To take over. It will possibly remain that way for a while. I can tell that this is going to be a match made in hell. So don’t dream of getting a doting husband who will dance to your tune, and play whatever sick games you have been playing with me so far.”
She was shaken by that statement. But not for the reasons he seemed to think.
What if he finds out the rest of the facts about me and ruins everything?
As soon as he hung up, she paced around restlessly. She couldn’t discuss Ajay’s threats with Varun. He would freak out and do something rash.
So she called the one person whom she could trust with some of her secrets, and the one person who could calm her down.
She went into her office room and locked it from the inside. Soon, the phone was ringing and her call was answered.
“Sia, what a surprise. Isn’t it rather late for you?” asked a familiar man’s voice.
She didn’t waste time on niceties. “I got deliberately pregnant, and now the father of the child is demanding that I marry him, and live together.”
There was a pause.
“I see. How do you feel about it?” he asked.
“How do you think, Dr. Patel? Trapped!”
“Why?” he asked calmly.
“I don’t want to marry anyone. Ever.”
“No one should ever feel pressured to marry. Why did you agree to it then?”
“Because I felt guilty!” She blurted and then laughed out bitterly. “Yes Dr. Patel. I felt damned guilty.”
“Why?” he asked again in a calm tone.
“What the hell do you mean by why? Of course I’d feel guilty. Because I used him. Like he was an insignificant nobody. My prey. A combination of a sperm donor and also to scratch an itch I had for him.”
“I see.”
“No, you don’t. You must think I’m a horrible person,” she said.
“You are not a horrible person, Sia,” he told her calmly. “You just made horrible choices.”
She scoffed. “I’m a manipulative bitch who doesn’t care if anyone else gets hurt because of me, and you think I’m not horrible?” she asked.
“You know very well I’m not here to approve or disapprove your life. You live your own life, in your own terms, making choices that you pick. All I can do is to help you see things clearly.”
She felt slightly calm. Since she had known Dr. Patel, he had never once passed judgment, or made her feel ashamed. He was the only person who had seen her at her worst.
Broken. Beaten. Unusable.
“You didn’t tell me about this when we spoke three months ago. That you wanted to have a baby,” he said.
“I didn’t want one at that time,” she deflected.
“I see.”
“I needed—” She shook her head. Even Dr. Patel didn’t know about her personal vendetta. Even though he knew most of things that had happened in her life
, making her want to seek one. “Let’s talk about something else, Dr. Patel.”
“Okay.”
She could hear the shuffle of papers. She could imagine him taking down notes. He always took notes. He was meticulous and never forgot a thing.
Dr. Patel was responsible for some of her recovery. He had helped her through her addictions. She still remembered the day she had met him, pretty clearly, since it was one of the major turning points in her life.
It was her twenty first birthday and she was found unconscious. It was her third ‘accidental’ drug overdose in past ten years.
She had been admitted to an exclusive hospital in Boston where her aunt was a major benefactor.
She had just gained conscious, but didn’t open her eyes when she heard her aunt. She didn’t want to hear another lecture about what a huge disappointment she was.
The doctor at the hospital was talking to her aunt.
“Your daughter needs help Mrs. Sampath. This is not the first or second time she has overdosed in this way. The reasons behind her possible suicide attempts are still there. She could try overdosing again, and she might not be lucky the next time.”
But her aunt as usual brushed it off.
“It’s probably the stress of her exams and her class work. She must have felt overwhelmed. You know how the kids these days can’t handle stress without resorting to drugs or other kind of help.”
“Mrs Sampath, Sia had over half a dozen of prescription medicines mixed with alcohol and other illegal drugs. That doesn’t seem like a ‘help for stress’ to me. Your daughter is extremely disturbed about something.”
Her aunt sighed, and made sounds of frustration.
“I have tried every possible way to help her out. She has been receiving therapy since she was nine years old. There is nothing much I can do to help.”
The doctor was quiet for a while.
“I know someone who can possibly help your daughter. Dr. Patel has made really good breakthroughs with several disturbed kids like Sia. He’s semi-retired now, but occasionally, he does take up a few patients.”
“Oh that’s good then. I don’t care how expensive he is. Ask him if can help Sia.”
The next day, Sia was shipped off to an expensive rehab, where that ‘special’ doctor with a magical brain cured ‘disturbed’ kids like her.
“So, you are Sia. I’m Dr. Patel, your new therapist,” a man who appeared to be over sixty years old introduced himself.
She just stared at him blankly, because ironically she was drugged at the rehab. They had to give her drugs to calm her down and also because they couldn’t simply stop giving them to her for medical reasons. Her body had gotten so used to them, that stopping them suddenly, would send her body into a shock.
“Your file looks quite interesting, Sia. Looks like this is not the first time you’ve tried to take your own life. You have been attempting since you were…thirteen?”
She just continued to stare at him blankly.
“And let’s see…” There was a shuffle of papers. “You have an alcohol addiction, you’ve taken heavy doses of illegal drugs, you’ve had indiscriminate sex—sometimes unprotected. And you have also been having trouble sleeping during the nights…”
Dr. Patel looked at her calmly to check how she was reacting to the list of her ‘shortcomings’.
She was simply too tired to argue back. And she was waiting for him to finish lecturing her, and to get out of the room, so she could rest in peace.
“But one thing I’m really impressed with is that during your sober times—however brief they maybe—you have still managed to get a business degree at a prestigious Ivy League university,” he stated.
She closed her eyes, getting bored with his analysis.
“Sia,” he began. “I’m not your enemy. I’m just trying to help you. Unless you help yourself there is nothing anyone can do. Will you help me… help you?” he asked.
When she didn’t reply, and continued ignoring him, he sighed. She thought he would finally leave her alone. But she heard him drag a chair and settle down next to her.
“Maybe we should approach this a little differently. Do you want me to tell you what’s been written here about why you do these things to yourself?” he asked.
She opened her eyes, but ignored him, and stared at the interesting patterns on the ceiling. She could see a few cobwebs there and frowned. Ironically, she hated any kind of dirt or mess. Her life was a mess, but she kept her surroundings, pristine.
Meantime, Dr. Patel stubbornly continued with his so called analysis. “It’s been stated that you have an extremely low self-esteem. And that you possibly think you are a worthless person who doesn’tt deserve any sort of happiness. However, at the same time, you also try and seek attention and validation from the outside. And that, unfortunately the methods you are seeking are harming you more than helping you,” he finished, and put the folder with her analysis away.
She had already heard the same drivel multiple times from her other therapists. So she didn’t bother to respond to Dr. Patel. Most part of the analysis was true. But none of the therapists knew what she felt on the inside or what she fought each night.
“Sia, you must know that if you continue like this, there might not be a next time,” Dr. Patel said quietly.
She finally acknowledged him. “I’m not scared of death,” she stated in a surly tone.
Dr. Patel gave her a level stare. “Well, if you are strong enough to not get scared of death like most people, then I’m quite certain you are strong enough to fight your demons.”
That statement shocked her quite a bit. No one had ever told her about the option of ‘fighting her demons’. In fact no one had used that particular apt word.
She had always been dealing with her demons pretty passively, letting them control her. She had never ever fought the voices in her head.
At that particular moment, she felt that…maybe she could fight back or even control her demons. Maybe she could fight really hard, and have some sort of resemblance to a normal life.
And so, since that day, from leading an aimless life of a drug and alcohol addict who slept around carelessly, she spent the next few months cleaning up her act. It was a slow process, but Dr. Patel had helped her through most of the changes.
She gave up drugs completely, and slowly gave up alcohol too. But she still had sex often. That one addiction she couldn’t control, but she changed the way she had sex. She came up with her own set of rules and took control of the situation.
1) Never sleep with anyone who was emotionally invested in her or was falling for her.
2) Never sleep with someone who was in a committed relationship.
3) Never sleep with someone whom she was slowly developing feelings for.
Her rules ensured that she stuck around, only long enough to enjoy, but not long enough to get attached. And it wasn’t because she didn’t believe in love, relationships or marriage.
She believed in them, but for other people. They weren’t for her. They could never be for her.
Because no one could ever want someone as damaged as her.
Pulling herself back from the memories, she continued with her call to Dr. Patel.
“My soon-to-be husband’s name is Ajay,” she said.
“Tell me about him.”
She sat back in the chair, trying to think of the best words to describe him.
“He’s the same age as me. I thought he was a sweet, friendly man who didn’t have a care in the world. But apparently, he’s also highly intuitive. And now, he hates me for the manipulation. I don’t know how we’ll ever manage to live in the same house.”
“Two people who are dissimilar can still co-exist peacefully, Sia.”
“You know me,” she said softly. “I can’t. Not with Ajay or with anyone.”
“It’s quite normal for you to feel that way.”
She laughed bitterly. “I’m not normal.”
Dr. Patel was
quiet.
Before he started the topic of her ‘recovery’ or ‘healing’, she filled in the silence.
“I wanted Ajay to father my child,” she said. “He’s also an orphan like me. But Ajay, he is a survivor. I wanted someone who was not just defined by what they have achieved, but also how they’ve survived. And Ajay, he’s a fighter. I wanted my child to inherit those genes from him. To compensate for my…cowardly ones.”
“You know you are a survivor too,” said Dr. Patel.
“Barely. Only because I’m too scared to try anything again,” she said.
“We’ve known each other for over three years, Sia. You are not that reckless, fragile girl anymore. I can see that you have turned into a much stronger person.”
She snorted. “Yeah right. A strong person who still has paranoia and other several psychological problems.”
“You overcame your addictions. Have you indulged in any of those lately?”
“No. I don’t feel the need to use them for coping anymore.
“Good. You said you are living together at your house after the wedding. What are you worried about?” he asked.
“You already know why I’m worried.”
“Yes. I want you to say it out loud. Acknowledge it.”
She was silent.
“He’ll know I’m a coward…” she whispered.”And then, he’ll use it as a reason to pity me and maybe also to strike back at me.”
“Everyone copes in a different way, Sia. That doesn’t make anyone a coward. And a person is not considered a coward, just because of their additional security measures and sleeping habits.”
She felt slight hope at his statement.
“You maybe be right, Dr. Patel. Maybe I can cover it up. And since we are not going to be happily married, he obviously won’t expect me to sleep in the same room.”
“Sia—”
“It’s going to be just like having a roommate. Anjali used to be one, and she has heard me sometimes… But she’s still around me, even after knowing a little about me.”
