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I think my foot is being cooked, but apart from that Im as happy as anything.
I knew it would be you doing the charades, said Twoflower, sticking his hands under the wizards shoulders and hauling. You got the “Wind” syllable? said Rincewind. That was very hard to do, by remote control.
Oh, none of us got that, said Twoflower, but when it did “ohshitohshitohshit Im going to die” everyone got that first go. Very inventive. Er. You seem to be stuck.
I think its the magic boots.
Cant you wiggle them off? This mud dries like - well, like terracotta in the sun. Someone can come along and dig them out afterwards. Rincewind tried to move his feet. There was some sub-mud bubblings and he felt his feet come free, with a muffled slurping noise. Finally, with considerable effort, he was sitting on the plank. Sorry about the warriors, he said. It looked so simple when I started out, and then I got confused with all the pictures and it was impossible to stop some of them doing things—
But it was a famous victory! said Twoflower. Was it?
Mr Cohens been made Emperor!
He has?
Well, not made, no-one made him, he just came along and took it. And everyone says hes the pre-incarnation of the first Emperor and he says if you want to be the Great Wizard thats fine by him.
Sorry? You lost me there . . .
You led the Red Army, didnt you? You made them rise up in the Empires hour of need?
Well, I wouldnt exactly say that I—
So the Emperor wants to reward you. Isnt that nice?
How do you mean, reward? said Rincewind, with deep suspicion. Not sure, really. Actually, what he said was . . . Twoflowers eyes glazed as he tried to recall. He said, “You go and find Rincewind and say he might be a bit of a pillock but at least hes straight so he can be Chief Wizard of the Empire or whatever he wants to call it, cos I dont trust you foreign . . . ” Twoflower squinted upwards as he tried to remember Cohens precise words “. . . house of auspicious aspect . . . scent of pine trees . . . buggers. ” The words trickled into Rincewinds ear, slid up into his brain, and started to bang on the walls. Chief Wizard? he said. Thats what he said. Well . . . actually what he said was he wanted you to be a blob of swallows vomit, but that was because he used the low sad tone rather than the high questioning one. He definitely meant wizard.
Of the whole Empire? Rincewind stood up. Something very bad is about to happen, he said flatly. The sky was quite blue now. A few citizens had ventured on to the battlefield to tend the wounded and retrieve the dead. Terracotta warriors stood at various angles, motionless as rocks. Any minute now, said Rincewind. Shouldnt we get back?
Probably a meteorite strike, said Rincewind. Twoflower looked up at the peaceful sky. You know me, said Rincewind. Just when Im getting a grip on something Fate comes along and jumps on my fingers.
I dont see any meteorites, said Twoflower. How long do we wait?
Itll be something else, then, said Rincewind. Someone will come leaping out, or therell be an earthquake, or something.
If you insist, said Twoflower, politely. Um. Do you want to wait for something horrible here or would you like to go back to the palace and have a bath and change your clothes and then see what happens? Rincewind conceded that he might as well await a dreadful fate in comfort. Theres going to be a feast, said Twoflower. The Emperor says hes going to teach everyone how to quaff. They made their way, plank by plank, back towards the city. You know, I swear you never told me that you were married.
Im sure I did.
I was, er, I was sorry to hear that your wife, er—
Things happen in war. I have two dutiful daughters. Rincewind opened his mouth to say something but Twoflowers bright, brittle smile froze the words in his throat. They worked without speaking, picking up the planks behind them and extending the walkway in front. Looking on the bright side, said Twoflower, breaking the silence, the Emperor said you could start your own University, if you wanted.
No! No! Someone hit me with an iron bar, please!
He said hes well in favour of education provided no-one makes him have one. Hes been making proclamations like mad. The eunuchs have threatened to go on strike. Rincewinds plank dropped on to the mud. What is it that eunuchs do, he said, that they stop doing when they go on strike?
Serve food, make the beds, things like that.
Oh.
They run the Forbidden City, really. But the Emperor talked them round to his point of view.
Really?
He said if they didnt get cracking right now hed cut off everything else. Um, I think the grounds firm enough now. His own University. Thatd make him . . . Arch-chancellor. Rincewind the Archchancellor pictured himself visiting Unseen University. He could have a hat with a really big point. Hed be able to be rude to everyone. Hed— He tried to stop himself from thinking like that. Itd all go wrong. Of course, said Twoflower, it might be that the bad things have already happened to you. Have you considered that? Perhaps youre due something nice?
Dont give me any of that karma stuff, said Rincewind. The wheel of fortune has lost a few spokes where Im concerned.
Its worth considering, though, said Twoflower. What, that the rest of my life will be peaceful and enjoyable? Sorry. No. You wait. When my backs turned and - bang! Twoflower looked around with some interest. I dont know why you think your life has been so bad, he said. We had a lot of fun when we were younger. Hey, do you remember the time when we went over the edge of the world?
Often, said Rincewind. Usually around 3 a. m.
And that time we were on a dragon and it disappeared in mid-air?
You know, said Rincewind, sometimes a whole hour will go by when I dont remember that.
And that time we were attacked by those people who wanted to kill us?
Which of those one hundred and forty-nine occasions are you referring to?
Character building, that sort of thing, said Two-flower, happily. Made me what I am today.
Oh, yes, said Rincewind. It was no effort, talking to Twoflower. The little mans trusting nature had no concept of sarcasm and a keen ability not to hear things that might upset him. Yes, I can definitely say it was that sort of thing that made me what I am today, too. They stepped inside the city. The streets were practically empty. Most people had flocked to the huge square in front of the palace. New Emperors tended towards displays of generosity. Besides, the news had got around that this one was different and was giving away free pigs. I heard him talking about sending envoys to Ankh-Morpork, said Twoflower, as they dripped up the street. I expect theres going to be a bit of a fuss about that.
Was that man Disembowel-Meself-Honourably present at the time? said Rincewind.
Yes, as a matter of fact.
When you visited Ankh-Morpork, did you ever meet a man called Dibbler?
Oh, yes.
If those two ever shake hands I think there might be some sort of explosion.
But you could go back, Im sure, said Twoflower. I mean, your new University will need all sorts of things and, well, I seem to recall that people in Ankh-Morpork were very keen on gold. Rincewind gritted his teeth. The image wouldnt go away - of Archchancellor Rincewind buying the Tower of Art and getting them to number all the stones and send it back to Hunghung, of Arch-chancellor Rincewind hiring all the faculty as college porters, of Archchancellor Rincewi . . . No!
Pardon?
Dont encourage me to think like that! The moment I think that its all going to be worthwhile something dreadful will happen! There was a movement behind him, and a knife suddenly pressed against his throat. The Great Blob of Swallows Vomit? said a voice by his ear. There, said Rincewind. You see? Run away! Dont stand there, you bloody idiot! Run! Twoflower stared for a moment and then turned and scampered away. Let him go, said the voice. He doesnt matter. Hands pulled him into the alley. He had a vague impression of armour, and mud; his captors were skilled in the way of dragging a prisoner so that he had no c
hance to get a foothold anywhere. Then he was flung on to the cobbles. He does not look so great to me, said an imperious voice. Look up, Great Wizard! There was some nervous laughter from the soldiers. You fools! raged Lord Hong. He is just a man! Look at him! Does he look so powerful? He is just a man who has found some old trickery! And we will find out how great he is without his arms and legs.
Oh, said Rincewind.
Lord Hong leaned down. There was mud on his face and a wild glint in his eyes. We shall see what your barbarian Emperor can do then, wont we? He indicated the sullen group of mud-encrusted soldiers. You know, they half believe you really are a great wizard? Thats superstition, Im afraid. Very useful most of the time, damn inconvenient on occasion. But when we march you into the square and show them how great you really are, I think your barbarian will not have so very long left. What are these? He snatched the gloves off Rincewinds hand. Toys, he said. Made things. The Red Army are just machines, like mills and pumps. Theres no magic there. He tossed them aside and nodded at one of the guards. And now, said Lord Hong, let us go to the Imperial Square.
Howd you like to be governor of Bhangbhangduc and all these islands around here? said Cohen, as the Horde pored over a map of the Empire. You like the seaside, Hamish?
Whut? The doors of the Throne Room were flung open. Twoflower scuttled in, trailed by One Big River. Lord Hongs got Rincewind! Hes going to kill him! Cohen looked up. He can wizard himself out of it, cant he?
No! He hasnt got the Red Army any more! Hes going to kill him! Youve got to do something!
Ach, well, you know how it is with wizards, said Truckle. Theres too many of em as it is—
No. Cohen picked up his sword and sighed. Come on, he said. But, Cohen—
I said come on. We aint like Hong. Rincewinds a weasel, but hes our weasel. So are you coming or what? Lord Hong and his group of soldiers had almost reached the bottom of the wide steps to the palace when the Horde emerged. The crowd surrounded them, held back by the soldiers.
Lord Hong held Rincewind tightly, a knife at his throat. Ah, Emperor, he said, in Ankh-Morporkian. We meet again. Check, I think.
Whats he mean? Cohen whispered. He thinks he has you cornered, said Mr Saveloy. Hows he know I wont just let the wizard die?
Psychology of the individual, Im afraid.
It doesnt make any sense! Cohen shouted. If you kill him, youll be dead yourself in seconds. I shall see to it persnally!
Indeed, no, said Lord Hong. When your . . . Great Wizard . . . is dead, when people see how easily he dies . . . how long will you be Emperor? You won by trickery!
What are your terms? said Mr Saveloy. There are none. You can give me nothing I cannot take myself. Lord Hong grabbed Rincewinds hat from one of the guards and rammed it on to Rincewinds head. This is yours, he hissed. “Wizzard” hah! You cant even spell! Well, wizzard? Arent you going to say something?
Oh, no! Lord Hong smiled. Ah, thats better, he said. Oh, noooooo!
Very good!
Aarrgh! Lord Hong blinked. For a moment the figure in front of him appeared to stretch to twice its height and then have its feet snap up under its chin. And then it disappeared, with a small thunderclap. There was silence in the square, except for the sound of several thousand people being astonished. Lord Hong waved his hand vaguely in the air. Lord Hong? He turned. There was a short man behind him, covered in grime and mud. He wore a pair of spectacles, one lens of which was cracked.
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