by Sam Ledel
My lips press harder against Joey’s, kissing her deeply. And I understand now: she is exactly what I need.
“Wait,” she says breathlessly, gently nudging my shoulder back so that we pull apart. Our foreheads lean into one another, our breath coming in staggered bursts.
“What?”
She takes a deep breath, then leans back to really look at me. “I can’t. No, not like this.”
Still breathing hard, I work to collect my thoughts. She’s right, of course. Technically, I’m still with Jax. Even though the last couple of days sealed our fate as a doomed couple. Joey and I shouldn’t do this. No matter how right it feels.
“God,” she breathes, looking around my apartment like an easier way around all of this is written somewhere on the walls. “Kyle.” She reaches up and runs a hand over my cheek.
I take a deep breath. Then, somehow, the words stumble out of my mouth, though I can feel them fighting against every fiber in my body. “You’re right. We shouldn’t.”
Joey nods and runs a hand through her hair. “Right. So…I’m going to…I’m gonna go.”
“Okay,” I say, moving so that I can open the door for her.
Once she’s out on the porch, hands adorably shoved back into her pockets, she says, “I’ll, um, I’ll see you around.”
I smile and will myself to close the door as she turns to go. Once it’s shut, I fall against it, my back hitting with a dull thump. My eyes close, and I let myself live again in the feeling of Joey’s body against mine, in the taste of her lips. Finally, I allow myself the thought I’d pushed so far down into me, I didn’t think it existed any longer.
I am absolutely, head-over-heels in love with Joey.
Chapter Forty-Five
“I must say, Kyle, you two seemed perfectly civil last week at the end-of-season party.”
I sit near one of the large front windows in the ice cream shop across from campus with Emily and bite into my Neapolitan double scoop. “Hmm,” I say, wiping my mouth, “if you call acting like I didn’t exist civil, then yes, Jax and I were perfectly civil.”
“I’m just trying to say that I’m impressed,” Emily says between licks. “Not by you, obviously, because you know how to act like a human being. But I am happy that nobody threw lawn furniture into the pool or started a catfight. Although I was certain the entire night that the glares from T. would bore holes into the back of your head. Thought I needed to follow you around with a fire extinguisher.”
I laugh. “Honestly, Em, she has a right to feel the way she feels. Jax is her best friend.”
“I know,” Emily says with a wave of her hand. “I just wonder how next year will go now that you two are no longer together. At least T. will be gone, and Jax will be a senior.”
“As will you, my friend.” I nudge her shin with the toe of my running shoe. “Can you believe it?”
Emily’s eyes are wide when she shakes her head, making her dark curls bounce. “Not at all. Just like I can’t believe it’s already May.” She takes another bite from her chocolate chip scoop, then asks, “What do you think you’ll do over the break?”
“I’m going home.”
Emily smiles at me.
“I missed a lot last year. I want to go home and hang out with Kevin. Help with whatever my parents decide to do.”
Emily reaches out her hand, placing it on top of mine on the table. “I’ll be around if you need me, okay?”
“Thanks.” She pulls her hand back and fiddles with the fringe on her skirt for a second. “Go ahead,” I finally say. “I know you want to ask.”
She bites her lip, then leans forward. “I’m sorry, Kyle. It’s just…you and Joey kissed. Otra vez! That’s so exciting! It feels like Christmas!”
My cheeks warm, and I dip my head to hide my smile. “It was pretty amazing.”
“So,” Emily says, “any plans to get together over the next few months?”
“No, not really. I said good-bye to her at the party. I don’t…I don’t want to rush anything.” I take another bite of my ice cream. “Besides, after everything I did, everything I put her through, I don’t blame her for wanting space. I’m just glad that Joey and I are friends again.” This comment warrants the most incredulous look from Emily, and I can’t help but laugh. “All right, well, she and I are…getting back on track again. Which makes me happy.”
Emily nods approvingly. We sit quietly for a few minutes, enjoying our respite in the cool blast of air-conditioning from the warm spring day outside. Then the door to the ice cream shop opens, and a burst of conversation comes, the scraping of shoes scurrying over the checkered floor. The crowd strides boisterously to the counter. Jax doesn’t see me. She chats with Elaine as they wait behind the rest of their group in line. Her hair is up in a ponytail, and her hands move erratically as she talks. Emily follows my gaze, then whips back around.
“Oh my God.” Her voice is just above a whisper. “Kyle, I’m sorry. I didn’t know she’d show up here.”
“Emily, relax.” I reach out and pat her hand. “It’s really okay.”
At the sound of my voice, Jax glances back. When her eyes meet mine, for a moment, I think I see a small glimmer, a miniscule part of her that I was never able to see before. The place inside that she would always hide from me. From everyone. For a moment, I am moved by the flash of vulnerability, the thing I had always hoped to touch. Then it vanishes and leaves me wondering if it was ever really there at all.
She turns back to her conversation with Elaine.
“Are you okay?” Emily asks me, her voice still low.
“Do you remember when I told you about the first time she took me here?”
“Oh my God, that’s right. Kyle, I completely forgot. We could have gone somewhere else. Anywhere else.”
I lean back and sigh. “No, Em. It’s just memories. You don’t have to worry anymore. It’s over.”
“I know, Kyle. I just worry, what if she, you know, tries to stick her sharp claws back into your heart. She had you in so deep.”
“I understand.” My eyes flicker to Jax, then land on the table in the back corner. The table for two, dimly lit, hidden away. “She doesn’t control me,” I say, then look back at Emily. “Not anymore.”
Epilogue
“If this is the last box for now, do you mind if I head over to the park? I’m behind on Coach’s workouts. I’ll be back once it’s dark.”
Mom sets a box filled with old pots and pans on top of the kitchen counter and wipes her brow. “Of course, honey. Go ahead.”
“Don’t be too long. Remember we’ve got your latest Call of Duty tutorial tonight,” Kevin reminds me excitedly.
“How could I forget?” I reply, punching his arm as I walk past him and hurry down a hallway to my room. While I toss my phone into my workout bag, Dad pops his head in. “Kyle, do you know where I put that toolkit you guys got me for Christmas a couple years ago?”
“Under the sink?”
He grins. “The one place I haven’t looked. Thank you.” He disappears, and I tug my running shoes on and grab my soccer ball out from under my bed. The tattered shoe box stares back at me from the dark. I pull it out, brushing my fingers along the dusty top as I stand. Then I walk over to my desk and pull out each of the books, stacking them next to my laptop.
My eyes land on the small pouch nestled against my Spanish dictionary. After cleaning off the last book, I pull the pouch open and reach in for the necklace. I quickly put it on, then tuck the stone beneath my T-shirt.
Back in the kitchen, I fill up my water bottle, then say bye to my family before heading outside. The heat is just beginning to subside as the sun starts its descent in the open Texas sky. I let the heavy air settle over me, breathing in the bustling city while I cross the street and walk past the old playground, over to my wall.
As I set down my workout bag, I notice that today the playground is vacant. I drop the ball, catch it in the crook of my foot, then lower it gently onto the pavement. Ove
r lunch last week, Emily told me that two of the incoming freshmen are midfielders, so I shouldn’t let the summer get by me again. Starting positions can disappear as quickly as they come. So I waste no time and start in on my routine.
It’s hard to believe two years have passed since I was out here that summer, concerned much less with my soccer game and much more with my nonexistent yet all-consuming personal life. As the ball bounces back at me, kick after kick, I sweat under the fading sunlight while the last twenty-four months roll over me along with the warm breeze. Some memories flutter inside my heart. Others still cause me to cringe, which makes me fumble the ball. I stand with my hands on my hips, breathing hard. I use the base of my T-shirt to wipe my brow and go fetch the ball that’s rolled a few feet away onto the grass.
“Looking decent, short stack.”
I freeze at the sound of her voice. When I turn to look over at the school, she’s walking toward me between a grove of ash trees. Joey’s in bluejean cutoffs and a dark blue camp T-shirt. Her hair is down, the shade of red beginning to match the evening sky. Her long legs make short work of the distance between us, and I nudge the ball along to meet her at the edge of the pavement.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, placing the ball under one of my feet to keep it in place.
“Well, turns out I have an aunt who lives in Emily’s neighborhood. I was outside her house helping her with some groceries when Emily came by, walking a dog with Alex. We got to talking, and you know how Emily is.”
I chuckle. “How long did you get stuck there?”
“Only an hour,” Joey replies. “Not too bad.” We both laugh before she says, “And, well, I figured since I ran into her, I’d ask her where you live. I know you mentioned you’d be home all summer.” She digs her hands into her pockets. “I just thought I’d come by and say hi.”
My stomach has been doing somersaults since she walked up. “How did you know to find me here?”
She hitches a thumb over her shoulder. “Well, when I went by your house, I ran into your dad first, who, by the way, greeted me as the ‘Amazon girl with the ferret.’”
I grimace. “God, sorry about him.”
Joey just laughs. “It was fine. And then your mom came out to the garage where I was talking to your dad. She told me you came over here to practice.” As she speaks, I can see the spark of curiosity regarding the scene at my house.
“Notice all the boxes?” I set my foot down so that I’m planted on either side of the ball. Joey nods. “Yeah. So, my dad’s moving out in September.”
She looks concerned, then reaches out her Converse-clad foot, inching the ball away from me. “How’s all of that going?”
“Surprisingly well, actually. I mean, it’s not easy or wonderful by any means. But it’s like this immense, weighted blanket has finally been lifted off every room in our house. We’re actually talking as a family now, which is nice. My parents have stopped keeping so much from Kevin and me. It’s weird but in a good way.”
“That makes sense,” Joey says, flicking the ball up with her toe to catch it. “It’s a big change, though.”
“It is.” I take a dive for the ball, but she flips it up and out of my reach, extending her arm up to catch it above my head. “But change can be good. Even if it seems like the most painful thing in the world at the time.”
“I see we have a new, wise Kyle on our hands now.” Then she holds the ball out. I go to grab it, but she pulls it back. I lunge forward, so Joey switches the ball to sit between her hip and her elbow. I manage to knock it loose, and it goes rolling toward my workout bag. After a quick glance at Joey, I race over to it and get there a few steps ahead of her.
“I went easy on you,” Joey says through a grin.
“Sure.” I lean against the wall, leaving the ball next to my bag as the sun dips behind the towering ash trees. “Thanks for coming by, Joey.”
“No problem.” Her eyes follow a crack in the pavement, then look up to meet mine. “It’s good to see you trying to keep your skills up to par.” Her foot fiddles with the soccer ball.
“We can’t all have your natural talent.”
“Very true.” Joey ignores the look I shoot her and adds, “You’re even out getting some fresh air. I was prepared to find you locked inside, video game control firmly in hand.”
I tap the ball away from her. “Why do you always think I live under an Xbox rock when I’m not playing soccer?”
“Oh, an Xbox rock. You’ll have to show me what that one looks like.” Then she half disguises, “Nerd,” under her breath with a fake cough, and I give her a shove.
“Hey now.” She throws up her hands. “That was a compliment.” I’m still laughing when she reaches over and tugs on the chain around my neck. My hand finds hers and helps to pull the stone from under my T-shirt.
“You’re wearing it again.” She’s so close that I can see the different shades of red running through her hair.
I swallow. “Of course I’m wearing it. I love it.”
Her gaze meets mine, and it flashes with something I haven’t seen before.
The feeling that erupts in my stomach is like a thousand caged butterflies trying to be free. I clear my throat to keep my composure, step back, reach down to grab my bag, and throw it over my shoulder. “Well, I should be getting back.”
Joey bends to pick up the ball. She tucks it under one arm, then reaches her other one out to me. “Walk you back?”
The butterflies explode from their cage when I take her hand, lacing my fingers between hers. She smiles, and a grin fills every inch of my face. Together, we wander home side by side as the first pair of stars appears in the warm summer sky.
About the Author
Sam Ledel is originally from Dallas but recently relocated to San Diego with her girlfriend, whom she met while working abroad in Peru. She has a BA in creative writing and is currently working on a young adult fantasy novel.
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