Absolutely Not

by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

  “What?” Norman gasped. “After only knowing each other for a few hours?” Big Willy nodded enthusiastically. “Well son of a bitch,” Norman muttered, “that was easier than I thought.”

  “What’s that, cousin?”

  “Nothing. Forget it, Wilson.” Norman grinned.

  “We’re shipping Sharon to Russia!” Maisy shouted, hoisting her tumbler in the air and taking another swig. “Whooppee!”

  “Congratulations to you and Sharon, Big Wilson…” Rudy grasped the Texan’s hand and pumped hard. “I hope you will be very happy together.”

  “Thanks, Rudy. Once me and my new lady get set up out there, I’ll have to try that sexy little pleasuring-under-the-table trick you were doin’ to Maisy at the restaurant last night.” Big Willy jiggled his eyebrows. “She certainly seemed to be enjoyin’ that.”

  Maisy watched the color drain from Norman’s face, while Keller uttered an imaginative string of obscenities and pounded his fist against the back of a chair. It didn’t bother her a bit, because she’d be dead soon anyway.

  “So it was you making out with Maisy last night, after all,” Keller said to Rudy.

  Rudy’s eyes nearly jiggled as the poor guy nervously looked from Keller to each of the others and stammered.

  “Yup, that was Rudy all right,” Big Willy said, motioning toward the German. “Them two lovebirds couldn’t keep their hands off each other all night. Whew, yes indeed, they were goin’ at it hot and heavy.”

  “How much time does it take to drink yourself into a coma?” Maisy asked. She looked skyward. “Come on, God. Why am I still here? Take me. Take me now.”

  Keller looked from Rudy to Maisy and threw his hands up into the air. “That’s it. I’m outta here.” He turned and started to walk to the front door.

  “No! Wait,” Rudy called.

  “Forget it, Rudy.” Keller held up his hand and kept walking. “I’m done.”

  Rudy grabbed Keller’s arm and yanked. Keller was a big man, but no match for Rudy’s mega-muscled physique. One mighty tug, and Rudy had tossed Keller right back where he’d been standing a moment before, just as if he were a rag doll.

  “Shit,” Keller said with an expression of flat-out amazement.

  “It is not what you think, Keller,” Rudy offered. “Please…I cannot let Maisy’s dreamship sail away. You must let me explain…later. You will stay, ja?” Without waiting for an answer, he gave Keller a firm enough push so that Keller fell back and plopped onto one of the kitchen chairs.

  “Looks like I’m staying,” Keller muttered.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore, Rudy,” Maisy said. “But thanks for trying. And as for you, Keller, go ahead. Leave. See if I care. But when you walk out that door, just remember, you’ll never have chocolate-chip-cookie-sex again, ever.”

  “Aha.” Norman slanted Maisy a curious look. “Seems you’ve been holding out on me, Maisy.”

  “You guys are a barrel of fun with all your kiddin’ around but,” Big Willy glanced at his steer-horn-design watch, “I’ve gotta go or else I’ll be late. I got a big evenin’ planned.” He clapped his hands together and kicked the air. “Hot diggity-dog!”

  Retrieving a business card from his jacket pocket, Big Willy held it out it to Norman. “Hey, cousin, maybe you can help me out here. I’m driving myself tonight, so I need some directions to the little lady’s house. She wrote her address on here and, for the life of me, I can’t figure how to get there from Maisy’s place.”

  As the card made its way from Big Willy to Norman, Keller caught sight of it and gasped. He grabbed the card and studied it.

  “Oh no,” Norman muttered.

  “Sharon Fitch,” Keller read in astonishment. “This is Sharon’s business card. This is the Sharon you’ve been talking about?”

  “Well, sure. Dang, that’s what I been trying to tell y’all. She’s the sweet little filly I been goin’ on about all night. You know her?”

  “Know her? She’s my sister.”

  Grasping her tumbler, Maisy slid down against the side of the kitchen cabinets, plunking her butt unceremoniously on the kitchen floor. She slurped what was left of the Baileys in her glass, fighting off Hershey, who wanted his share.

  “Bye-bye, Sharon,” she mumbled, waving.

  “Well, fancy that! Ain’t this a small world.” Big Willy whacked Keller on the back. “So then you must know Norman here from the days when him and your sister were a hot item, huh?”

  Keller’s jaw dropped as his stunned gaze slid to Norman.

  “Oh God,” Norman managed through a pained groan. Slapping his hand to his face, he peeked at Keller through spread fingers.

  “Aw, don’t worry none, Keller, I know it’s all supposed to be hush-hush,” Big Willy said, “so I ain’t about to spill the beans. Heck, sometimes former lovers end up despisin’ each other like that. I promise I won’t never let on to your sister that Norman and Maisy set her and me up together.”

  Cocking his head, Keller’s eyebrows arched with interest. “They did that, huh?” His gaze shifted to the guilty parties.

  “Terrific, ain’t it?” A broad grin spread across Big Willy’s features. “’Course, I know Sharon and Maisy don’t get along none too well cause of sharin’ the same husband. Funny how things work, ain’t it?”

  “Oh it’s getting funnier by the minute,” Keller assured him as his previously perplexed expression morphed into an amused smirk.

  “Cousin Norman is Sharon’s former lover and Maisy is Sharon’s dead husband’s ex-wife.” Big Willy clearly pondered the thought before adding, “Whew, things sure do get mighty complex.”

  “Well, with good old Cousin Norman orchestrating things,” Keller said, “you can just about bet on things getting complex.”

  “Uh-oh, Norman,” Maisy uttered in a failed attempt at a whisper. “Now Keller knows about our big secret plan to ship Sharon to Russia.”

  Norman grabbed another Snickers bar from the tin, unwrapped it and shoved it at Maisy. “Here. Have another candy bar and keep quiet.” He let forth with a giggle as Keller gave him the eye.

  Looking contemplative, Keller stroked his jaw for a moment then turned to Big Willy.

  “Hey, Willy—”

  “Big Willy.”

  “Right,” Keller said, waving his hand in dismissal. “Were you by any chance at my sister’s real estate office this afternoon—driving a Cadillac with a giant steer horn hood ornament?”

  “Sure thing, son. Ain’t that Caddy a real honey? You should hear the horn. Plays the first few bars of the ‘The Yellow Rose of Texas’.”

  “Definitely one of a kind,” Keller agreed.

  “I’m curious. Why were you at the real estate office?”

  Norman jumped in quickly. “He was there because—”

  “Uh-uh.” Keller held up his hand like a crossing guard. “I want to hear it from your cousin, Norman, not you.”

  “I was afraid of that,” Norman muttered.

  “It was all Cousin Norman’s idea.”

  “Gee,” Keller said, “what a surprise.

  “Kinda killed two birds with one stone,” Big Willy continued. “I needed someone to take care of my real estate business before I go to live with them commies in the USSR, and I also needed someone to replace the gapin’ hole little Maisy left in my heart when she went and married Rudy. Cousin Norman was kind enough to tell me about this little filly he used to bed.” Big Willy paused. “No disrespect intended to your sister, Keller.”

  “I understand,” Keller said with a nod.

  “Anyway, Cousin Norman thought we’d be perfect for each other. And damned if the boy wasn’t right. Yeehaa!”

  “Yeehaa!” Maisy echoed from the floor.

  “And the added bonus,” Big Willy continued, “is that I hear tell your sister’s a sharp little cookie in real estate.”

  “That she is.” A slow grin inched across Keller’s lips. “You know, believe it or not, I think I’m actually beginning to understand w
hat’s going on here.” A moment later, Keller broke into a rip-roaring bout of laughter. He looked at Norman, who was positively green, and then at Maisy, who was green also—but for entirely different reasons—and he laughed harder.

  “Operation Shipping Sharon,” Keller said through his laughter. “Brilliant! I love it.”

  Maisy and Norman whipped their heads toward Keller and chorused, “You do?”

  Rudy expelled a whooshing sigh of relief. “This is good. Everything is happy and okay now, ja?” he asked hopefully.

  Keller wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes. “You,” he said, wagging an outstretched finger at Rudy, “Mr. Schwarzenegger, still have some explaining to do. And I can’t wait to hear the details.” Keller turned back to Big Willy. “Norman was absolutely right, Big Willy. I can’t think of anyone who’d be more compatible with my sister than you, ol’ buddy.”

  He placed his arm around the Texan’s shoulder and gave him a buddy hug. “The two of you were definitely made for each other—an ideal pairing if ever there was one.” His grin was so wide his face could hardly contain it. “And how long will you be living out there in Russia?”

  “Oh, ’least five years I’m bettin’. They’re letting me have the palace for as long as I want it. I just hope your sister sees fit to say yes to my marriage proposal.”

  “Did you say palace?” Keller asked.

  “Yup, they’re settin’ me up real spiffy, servants and the whole shebang. Them Cossacks know they better treat Big Willy real good, else he’ll take his millions of American dollars right back to the good ol’ U. S. of A.”

  “Does my sister by any chance know she’d be living in a palace out there? And that you’re a millionaire?”

  “Multimillionaire, boy,” Big Willy corrected proudly. “You should have seen the way that little filly’s eyes lit up real big and sparkly when she heard that.”

  “I’ll just bet they did.” Keller laughed. “Don’t worry. If I know my sister, she’ll say yes faster than—”

  “A Texan can guzzle a keg of moonshine.”

  “Exactly what I was going to say.” Keller nodded.

  “Well, hot diggity-dog! Reckon that means you and me’ll be family, huh, brother?”

  “Yup, I guess it does. Can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to that,” Keller said.

  “But you can’t tell my sister that I know about any of this, Big Willy. We don’t want to get her dander up and have her run out on you like Maisy did, do we…brother?”

  “Hell no.” Big Willy stepped around to where Maisy was sitting, bent down and said, “Pardon the profanity, Maisy.”

  She graced him with a wide, vacant, inebriated smile and nodded. “You are pardoned.”

  Turning back to Keller, he continued, “I understand how touchy these things can be. Don’t worry, your sister Sharon ain’t never gonna know that you and me met each other here tonight. What the little lady don’t know won’t hurt her, right?” He winked at Keller.

  “Right.” Keller winked back, elbowing Big Willy in the ribs.

  “Right,” Maisy echoed gleefully and then hiccupped. “Buh-bye, Sharon!”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “Okay, see ya, Wilson,” Norman called to his cousin as Big Willy walked to his car. He couldn’t believe the big homophobic baboon was finally out of the house. “Don’t forget to call me right away and let me know if Sharon accepts your proposal. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, buddy!”

  “Sure as shootin’,” Big Willy replied, aiming invisible six shooters at Norman. “You’ll be the first to know, cousin.” Once behind the wheel, he blew the car’s horn, treating Norman and the rest of the neighborhood to a few bars of “The Yellow Rose of Texas”.

  Norman cringed. He couldn’t believe Wilson had insisted on giving him that monstrosity of a car when he left for Russia, as a thank-you gift for hooking him up with Sharon.

  “This honey’s gonna be all yours, cousin, faster than a jackrabbit running from a twister.”

  “I can’t wait, Wilson. I’m having heart palpitations just thinking about it.”

  Flashing a toothy grin, Big Willy depressed the horn again.

  Grinning, Norman nodded his faux-appreciation and gave his cousin a hearty thumbs-up sign. At the same time he muttered beneath his breath, “So long, you moronic throwback. You and that little bitch deserve each other.” Sporting a self-satisfied smile, he waited until Big Willy’s gaudy, steer-horn-bedecked Cadillac pulled away from the curb before closing the door.

  With a sigh of relief, Norman brushed his palms together, as if wiping the entire catastrophe from his hands. “Well, that’s that. I knew it would be a cinch.” Still grinning from ear-to-ear, he turned, ready to engage in a celebratory little jig, only to find Keller standing a foot away from him.

  Arms folded across his chest and a no-nonsense look blazing in his eyes, Keller glared at him.

  Handling the situation with his usual aplomb, Norman giggled.

  “I think I’ve got this thing pretty well pieced together,” Keller said. “But now you’re going to fill me in on all the particulars.”

  “Sure, Keller, sure. Absolutely.” Licking his lips, Norman glanced at his watch. “Hey, what do you know about that?” He chuckled. “I’m late for an appointment. Sorry, gotta go. Call me, we’ll do lunch.” He reached for the doorknob.

  “You’re not going anywhere, buddy.” Keller seized Norman’s arm, steering him back into the family room off the kitchen.

  “But my appointment—”

  “But nothing. It’s after eleven o’clock. There is no appointment, so don’t even start with me, Norman. The four of us are going to sit here all night if we have to until I get the whole story. Understand?”

  “Yeah but, Keller, I—” Norman winced as Keller strengthened his grip. “Okay, okay! You don’t have to use brute force. I’m an easygoing kind of guy. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

  “That’s better,” Keller said as they turned the corner. “And none of your elaborate tall tales either, you hear?”

  Breathing in an audible gasp of mock indignation, Norman clapped a hand to his chest. “Why, Keller, are you suggesting that I’ve been less than truthful with you?”

  “I’m suggesting you’re a bona fide liar and pretender of the utmost magnitude. In other words, I’m wise to you, Norman.”

  “Utmost magnitude, huh?” Norman looked up at Keller, cocked his head and flashed his most charming grin. “Hey, thanks for the compliment. I appreciate that.”

  Keller opened his mouth to speak, paused and broke into laughter. “You’re lucky you’re so damned likeable, my friend.”

  “Just keep that in mind while I fill you in on all the details, okay?” Norman said. When they reached the entrance to the family room, he put a finger to his lips and nudged Keller back to keep them hidden.

  “Why are we hiding?” Keller asked, annoyance evident in his voice.

  “Because Rudy and Maisy are alone in there. Now you’ll be able to see for yourself that there’s absolutely nothing going on between them,” Norman responded. “Come on, let’s take a peek.”

  They leaned forward just enough to catch a glimpse, only to find Rudy at the far side of the room, holding Maisy aloft in his arms and cradling her close.

  “Oh Rudy…” Maisy sighed, resting her head against his massive chest.

  Keller and Norman exchanged questioning looks. Norman clapped his hand over his mouth to stifle a rising nervous giggle.

  “You cannot sleep on the floor, Maisy,” Rudy said, depositing Maisy on the loveseat. “You rest here now. You will feel better soon.” He bent to give her a kiss on the forehead.

  “You’re wonderful, Rudy,” she slurred, patting his chest. “You know that?”

  “Danke, Maisy. I like you very much too.”

  “It’s too bad you’re gay. Why are all the good guys always gay?” She frowned. “Except for Norman. He’s not a good guy. He’s a troublemake
r. An evil elf.”

  “Elf?” Norman whispered to Keller. “I’m not that short.”

  “Norman doesn’t mean to be a gay elf, Maisy. He tries very hard to do the right thing. He loves you like a brother. Norman is a good man with a good heart. He is just a little bit verrückt.”

  Maisy’s features screwed. “Verr who?”

  Rudy frowned. “In English…in English…” he muttered to himself, clearly searching for the best translation. “Ah, it means crazy,” he explained. “Cuckoo.” Grinning, he tapped his temple for further clarification.

  “Amen to that.” Keller laughed and Norman elbowed him.

  “Norman needs somebody like me,” Rudy continued, “to take good care of him. To protect him and keep him on the outside of trouble. And I need Norman too. He makes me feel glücklich inside. Happy,” he translated.

  “So, that was on the level?” Keller whispered to Norman. “I mean about you and Rudy being a couple?”

  “Yeah.” Norman beamed a proud smile. “I feel glücklich to the max when I’m with him.” He winked. “Come on.” Tugging on Keller’s sleeve, he led the way to the loveseat.

  “Are you still with us, Maisy?” Norman asked. “Or have you given up the ghost and gone to the great beyond?”

  “Dead or alive, I’m not talking to you,” she answered.

  “Everything is good with Big Wilson, ja? He does not suspect we are lovers?”

  “Whew! Yeah.” Norman made an exaggerated wipe of his brow. “Thanks to Keller. I really appreciate you going along with things and not giving me away to my cousin, Keller. It would have been ugly, trust me.”

  “Ugh!” Maisy slapped her hands over her ears. “I thought I told you never to say those words again, Norman!”

  “I’m afraid I wouldn’t trust you as far as I could throw you, Norman,” Keller said, chuckling. “But I know what you mean. Your good ol’ boy cousin sounds intensely homophobic.”