Absolutely Not

by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

  “You have no idea…” Norman shuddered. “The man has a zero tolerance policy. He’d make my life a living hell.”

  “He’d have to get in line,” Maisy muttered.

  “Ja, Big Wilson thinks gay men should be chopped into sausages,” Rudy added. “And then sent on a rocket to another planet.” He yanked Norman into a buddy hug. “That’s why we must act very macho when Big Wilson is around. It is also why I, how did you say it? Why I was a face sucker to Maisy at the restaurant.”

  Placing his hand on Keller’s arm, Rudy transmitted an earnest expression of honesty. “Believe me, Keller. I did not enjoy making sexy kisses with Maisy. It was only my duty to do it.”

  “Hey!” Maisy propped herself up on the cushioned arm of the loveseat.

  “Don’t get your garters in a knot, Maisy,” Norman said. “You know Rudy didn’t mean it that way.”

  “I’m not wearing any garters. And no more grandma underwear either. Anybody wanna see my brand new fancy lace underpants?”

  “Ja, sure, I would like to see them, Maisy.”

  Keller elbowed Rudy in the gut. “No you wouldn’t.”

  “Ow. I was just trying to be good manners.”

  “I’ll show you my new underpants later, Rudy,” Norman offered with a wink as he patted Rudy’s arm. “And just in case you’re wondering, Keller, no, they’re not lace.” He chuckled.

  “Whoa.” Keller held his hands aloft. “That would definitely come under the heading of TMI, pal.”

  Rudy cocked his head and opened his mouth. Before he could ask, Norman explained, “It stands for too much information.”

  Giggling, Maisy bent her knees and inched inch her dress up her thighs. “I bought my new bra and panties just for our date tonight, Keller. They’re see-through and they come off real easy. They have easy-release tabs.” She hiccupped.

  “Maisy,” Rudy said. “I think maybe this is TMI, pal.”

  “And that’s not all,” Maisy continued. “Want to hear a secret?” She brought her fingers to her lips. “Shhhh…the panties I’m wearing are very naughty.”

  “Uh-oh,” Norman said.

  “They’re crotchless,” Maisy whispered. “It’s all part of my sneaky master seduction plan, Keller.”

  “Is that so?” Keller arched an eyebrow in amusement. “I’d love to have a look…later.”

  “Maisy, you wanton harlot,” Norman teased, clapping her knees together and tugging her dress back into place.

  “Wanton…I like that. It sounds a lot better than frigid. Besides,” Maisy hiccupped, “I really don’t think a frigid woman could perform chocolate chip cookie sex the way I did, right, Keller?” A giggle gushed forth. “I don’t think I was frigid during our missionary sex either, was I, Keller?”

  “Nope. Norman’s right, sweetheart. You’re definitely a wanton harlot.” He covered his face with his hand and laughed. “And you make a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies too,” he assured.

  Norman raised his hands and blinked. “I’m dying to ask but I won’t.”

  “I don’t understand this chocolate chip cookie sex,” Rudy said. “Can I ask questions?”

  “No,” Norman and Keller chorused.

  “It’s a secret,” Maisy said, her finger to her lips. “Isn’t it, Keller?”

  “Just barely.”

  “Keller, you just let me know when you want to see my sexy new undies and I’ll show them to you. Okay? If you want, I can even do another striptease.”

  “That’s a deal,” Keller agreed. “But only if you hum your own background stripper music again.”

  “She didn’t,” Norman said with mock astonishment.

  “She most certainly did,” Keller confirmed.

  “After that, Keller, we can try all the rest of those sexual positions you were talking about and decide which ones we like best.”

  A gleam in his eye, Norman elbowed Keller. “Oh you dog…you rascal, you.”

  “Definitely TMI, pal,” Rudy said, clearly intent on getting plenty of mileage out of his newest favorite American phrase.

  All eyes turned to Rudy as his stomach offered a ferocious growl.

  “Sorry.” Patting his abs, Rudy gave a sheepish smile. “I’m a growing boy. I need food. I think it is all the talk about cookies.”

  “I’m starving too,” Norman said. “Let’s order a couple of pizzas.”

  “Sounds good to me,” Keller said. “The three of you pranksters can spill your guts while we eat.”

  “What is spill your guts?” Rudy asked.

  “He means confess,” Norman explained. “Fess up, come clean. Tell the truth.”

  Rudy wagged a finger at Norman. “See? Didn’t I tell you it is always best to tell the truth? Then you don’t have to giggle and spill your guts.”

  “You’re right, Rudy. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m a changed man. From now on, my name will be synonymous with honesty.” Norman made a virtuous stance with one hand on his heart and the other held in oath.

  Maisy, Keller and Rudy looked at each other and laughed.

  Joining the laughter, Norman shrugged. “Okay, so maybe it might take me a while, but with Rudy’s good influence I have a pretty good chance.”

  “All the lies were for a very good reason.” Maisy raised her arms, wiggling her fingers toward Keller in invitation. He sat on the loveseat beside her and she wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her head in his lap.

  “I did it because I’m in love with you, Keller,” she said, before indulging in a lion-worthy yawn and drifting off to sleep.

  * * * * *

  “Oh this is nice,” Maisy said, cracking her eyes open and realizing her head was resting on Keller’s chest. And that he had his arm around her. “I’m having one of those wonderful dreams again.” She splayed her fingers over his chest and purred as her eyelids fluttered shut again.

  “Nope.”

  “Keller?” Maisy felt the vibration in his chest as he spoke. “Is that really you?”

  “In the flesh.” He stroked his fingers through her hair, sifting the curls.

  Struggling to come out of her fog, Maisy fixed her gaze on him. “Wait a minute…” She remembered something about Keller making Norman confess. The memory made her wince. “No. You can’t be here. I remember now. I committed chocolatcide because you hate me for telling all those lies and trying to get rid of your sister.”

  Keller chuckled. “You made me damn angry there for a while, Maisy, but no, I don’t hate you.” He brushed a kiss across her lips.

  “Then I was right.” She peered at Keller dreamily. “I’ve died and gone to heaven.” Snuggling close to him, she closed her eyes again, relishing the delicious feeling of closeness, even if it wasn’t real. “Thank you, God. Please don’t ever let me wake up.”

  “You’re not in heaven, babe, you’ve been asleep here in your own bed for a few hours.” Keller tucked the ringlets of her hair that had fallen over her eye behind her ear. “Although…now that I’ve had a chance to see those sexy undies of yours, maybe it is heaven, after all.”

  Maisy’s eyes popped open and she looked around, recognizing her bedroom. Then she lifted the sheet and gasped. “I’m in my underwear. How did that happen?”

  “It wasn’t easy. You were dead weight. The guys helped me get you up the stairs, undressed and under the covers.”

  Maisy gasped. “They saw me in my secret, see-through lace bra and panties?” Slipping off Keller’s chest, she hunched down on the mattress and clutched the sheet to her throat. “Oh God.”

  “Actually, you’d already given us a good glimpse of those wicked panties while you were still downstairs on the loveseat.”

  “That’s ridiculous, Keller, I—” Brazen loose-legged images floated across her mind and she remembered. Covering her face with her hand, she groaned. “Ohmigod.”

  “Mmm-hmm. You were quite the little vixen, Maisy. Thanks to you, I’ve had a hard-on for so long I think I’ve broken a personal record.”

&nbs
p; Her thoughts a blur, Maisy’s thoughts focused on Big Willy and she groaned. “Please, please tell me Big Willy wasn’t there when I was—” The groan she let out this time was louder and significantly more pained.

  “Nope. He’d already left.”

  “Thank God.” Maisy focused on Keller’s almost naked body. “You’re in your underpants too.”

  “Yes. But I managed to get that way all by myself.” He laughed. “I figured once you woke up you might want to seduce me, so I thought I’d make things easier for you.”

  “Keller?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Did, um…did Norman tell you the truth? About everything?” She was reasonably certain he hadn’t, because if he had, Keller would have been long gone by now.

  Propping up against the pillows with his hands behind his head, Keller smiled, a knowing gleam in his eye. Actually, it was more of a shit-eating grin than a smile.

  “You mean how you guys concocted that whole half-baked scheme to ship my sister off to a foreign country so you could charm that hot body of yours into my bed without her interference?”

  Maisy groaned. “Gee, do you think you could make it sound any more sordid?”

  “Norman told me everything, Maisy, from how he tricked you into going to my winery, to the whole deal with Big Willy, and the scheme behind the Boris and Natasha masquerade. He also explained how everything was his idea and you were basically an unwilling participant.”

  “That’s true! And you believed everything he told you?”

  Keller gave Maisy an are-you-kidding? look. “Hell yeah. It’s too unbelievably ridiculous and farfetched to be a lie.”

  Maisy was flabbergasted, dumbfounded. “You’re not angry about us trying to get rid of Sharon?”

  “Angry?” Keller broke into laughter. “I’ve been trying to think of a legal way to get rid of my sister ever since we were kids. I told Norman I thought his plan was pretty ingenious. A bit convoluted and probably unnecessary, but brilliant all the same. Wish I’d thought of it myself.”

  “Well I’ll be damned.”

  “You should also know that Norman offered to stay here with you tonight, Maisy. He told me that, contrary to what I’ve witnessed, ahem, several times,” Keller arched an eyebrow and smirked, “you’re not a drinker. He was worried about you. Of course, he also feared for his life. He was pretty sure you’d kill him when you woke up.”

  “Norman’s perceptive if nothing else,” Maisy said, fairly certain she would have done bodily harm to her boss if he was there instead of Keller.

  “I told him I wanted to be here when you opened your eyes so you’d know everything is okay between us.”

  “Is it? Okay, I mean?”

  “Yes,” Keller raised a chastising finger, “but that doesn’t mean I’m particularly happy about all the lies.”

  “I’m sorry, Keller. I really am.”

  “I know. You couldn’t help it,” Keller said, that same smug smile taking hold. “Because you’re madly in love with me.”

  Maisy gasped. Bolting upright, she stared down at him, feeling her face redden. “No I’m not. Did Norman tell you that?”

  “Nope. You did, actually.” Maisy was tempted to scrape that self-satisfied smile right off his handsome kisser. “I did it because I love you, Keller,” he said, in a bad soprano imitation of her voice. “Sound familiar? Besides, Rudy confirmed it when he told me that I’m your dreamship.”

  She just sat there a moment, gathering her thoughts, trying to recall exactly how much of an ass she’d made of herself earlier. “Oh,” she said finally. “I guess I did say that. Although I never said madly.” Actually, she wasn’t all that sure about that. “Did I?”

  “No, I just tacked that on because I figured you had to be head-over-heels in love with me to go to such mind-boggling extremes to win me over. But then, I am quite a catch.”

  “Of all the egotistical—” Maisy slapped his chest and Keller ooophed. “And now you’re making fun of me for saying that I love you. How gallant. Well, for your information, Mr. Fitch, that was just the alcohol talking. I didn’t mean a word of it.”

  “Yes you did.”

  “No. It’s not love. Just lust.”

  “Bullshit. Admit it. You’re crazy about me. You can’t live without me.” He grabbed her hand and placed it over his heart, then dragged her fingers down, tracing his hard pecs and abs, stopping just inside the waistband of his shorts. “Just the feel of my skin against yours makes your lovesick heart go pitter-pat and that shiny pink clit of yours quiver.”

  “Hah!” As her heart went pitter-pat and her clit quivered, she tore her hand away and positioned her back to Keller. Damn, if he didn’t have her pegged. She’d obviously made a fool of herself fawning all over him and the bastard was getting his kicks out of making her squirm.

  “Maisy?”

  “Don’t talk to me. You’re as bad as Big Willy. Arrogant, insufferable—”

  “I love you.”

  “I said don’t—” Maisy stopped short, turned around and gaped at Keller. “You do?”

  “I’m afraid so. Believe me, I’ve tried like hell not to fall in love with you but, my dear Ms. Morganfield, I am thoroughly smitten. You have succeeded in mesmerizing me beyond all reason. Even though my life has been a haphazard, chaotic mess since you came into it, yes, I love you.”

  Maisy’s heart swelled with happiness to the point she was afraid it might burst. Squealing, she flung herself on Keller, squirming against him, hungry to feel the swell of his erection against her flesh. She sprinkled kisses all over his face then locked lips with him, her tongue engaging in an exuberant dance of joy with his.

  “Sex!” she shouted once their lips had parted. “Oh Keller, I love you too and I want to have sex with you. Right now. To celebrate.”

  “Whoa,” he cautioned through his laughter. “Are you sure? I mean, don’t you feel queasy after all that chocolate stuff you drank? Even though the alcohol content was low, that was one hell of a lot of sugar you downed, honey.”

  “No way.” Maisy gave a dismissive wave. “You’re talking to a bona fide, die-hard chocoholic, Keller. The stuff runs in my veins. I never get sick from chocolate.” She grasped his erect cock through his black silk boxers. “What kind of sex are we going to have? Ooh, can I be on top this time?”

  “Oh yeah, honey…absolutely. But first, we’re gonna play a little bit.”

  “A man who enjoys foreplay and cuddly chats after sex. I hit the jackpot with you, Keller.”

  “Actually, I lied about being chatty after sex. I’d rather eat pizza.”

  “I knew you were too good to be true,” she teased, tugging at his shorts. “Take these off. I want to see your cock. It’s the best one I’ve ever seen.” She watched as Keller yanked off his shorts, letting his beautiful cock bob freely.

  “The best one…you mean between me and old Thumbkin, huh? Gee, thanks.”

  Maisy gave a dismissive wave. “Oh I’ve seen plenty of cocks. Tons.”

  Keller gave her a wary look.

  “Well, not literally, of course,” she clarified. “But I’ve read about all sorts of cocks in my erotic romance novels and, from the in-depth descriptions, I can imagine how they look. Believe me, yours ranks right up there with the best. That’s because it’s not just long, it’s thick too.”

  Keller traced a fingertip around each of her breasts, down her belly and through the center of her crotchless panties. Maisy sucked in a breath when his finger slipped into her pussy, wiggling back and forth.

  “So you read porn and you’re an authority on cocks, hmm? You get more interesting all the time, Maisy.” His finger kept playing inside.

  “Ooh, that feels so good.” She clamped her thighs tight and sighed. “Erotic romance isn’t porn, although Norman likes to call it porn with a plot.” Maisy laughed. “I missed out on so much with John and had a lot to learn about sex. Romance novels were a good way to do that.”

  “I see. Is that where you learned a
bout doing a striptease?” Keller smoothed his thumb over her clit. A soft moan escaped Maisy’s lips as she jerked.

  “Uh-uh.” Her voice was breathy. “I learned that all by myself. From old movies. Did you really like it?”

  “I loved it, babe.” His thumb made slow sensuous circles over her clitoris as his finger fucked her. “And the blowing on the cock thing during chocolate chip cookie sex? Where did you learn that, sweetheart?”

  “Ahem. I can see that, Keller.”

  “What?”

  “That smirk. I wasn’t supposed to blow on you, was I?”

  “I liked it. I thought it was very…unique.”

  “Thanks. Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter if I did it wrong, because now I have you to teach me all the carnal things I need to know to be a true woman of the world. I’m almost thirty-five, Keller. I’m at the age when I should know all the intricacies about the fine art of sex, don’t you think?”

  “Only if I’m the one you learn it from,” Keller said, removing his finger from her cunt and gently pinching her clit.

  Her eyes popping wide and nearly crossing, Maisy drew up her knees and gasped. “The only one,” she breathed. He pinched her sweet spot again. “Oh God. That-that feels…” The third time he squeezed it, Maisy detonated, crying out Keller’s name as he continued the pleasurable torment through the last of her body’s shudders.

  “Good grief, Keller. I have been seriously, gravely, hugely deprived all these years,” Maisy muttered after regaining her senses. She watched as he sheathed his cock with a condom and sighed, basking in the thrill of anticipation.

  “Just think of the fun we’ll have doing all the things you missed.” He brushed her lips with his.

  “I can’t wait. I got lots of sexy ideas from my romance novels.”

  “Like dolling yourself up in naughty little undies like these? I’m glad you bought them just for me. I can’t wait to tear them off you.” He dragged his fingers from her shoulders to the tips of her breasts, where he pinched and twisted her taut nipples through the lace.

  “Mmmm…they have tabs.”

  “Your nipples?” Keller teased.

  Maisy laughed. “No, my bra and panties. To get them off faster.”