by V. K. Ludwig
“Why I left Rowan?”
She gave the hint of a nod and quickly lowered her head as if her question came along with shame. And it did — for me.
“We tried for years to have a child,” I said, a sob washing over my vocal cords with the remnants of my tears. “But… it just never happened. Right before he became chieftain, I thought I might finally be pregnant. I was late on my period for the first time and… and… I don’t know. It made me so happy, and I figured things were falling into place.”
My voice broke off, cut by the sharp sensation at the back of my tongue. Never had I talked to anyone about it. Doing it now made old memories push back into the forefront. They tore my soul into shreds of shame and guilt.
Ayanna’s gentle gaze rested on my face, waiting patiently until I continued.
“I went to Hazel for an ultrasound,” I said. “There was no baby. It was a fluke, and it devastated me. It crippled everything inside me. The hope. The love. Everything.” I rubbed my hands over my face and took a deep breath. “Hazel said she couldn’t find anything wrong with me, so it must have been…”
“Rowan,” she said after a while.
I grabbed for the mug and took a big gulp of the tea, but my throat remained dry and raw.
“You know what pissed me off the most?” I asked. “I blamed myself for years. Figured it’s my fault. But I don’t think Rowan ever wondered, blamed or looked for answers. He shrugged his shoulders and said next time. Every. Fucking. Month.”
“But you could have adopted. There are so many foundlings seemingly without parents. River and I discussed adopting Silas.”
I bunched the blanket against the footboard and climbed out of bed. River’s cabin had changed, too. Pots and pans hung neatly arranged from a wooden beam. Dried bunches of flowers hung upside down on each window, mellowing the scent inside this otherwise rustic cabin.
“We could have adopted,” I said, walking over to the chair where my dress hung across the armrest. “But Autumn got assaulted. The moment Rowan found out, he marched right down to the longhouse and killed the late chieftain.”
“Which made him the new chieftain.”
“Uh-huh.” I slid my dress on and fumbled the zipper shut behind my back. “But a chieftain needs an heir, Ayanna. It makes others less likely to overthrow him. Our marriage would never result in an heir. So I left.”
“To have yourself impregnated in the Districts?”
I pulled my socks on and slipped inside my shoes. “That was never my plan. I packed my stuff and left without knowing where to go. It was too dangerous out there by myself, and I was too ashamed to go back. Then I met people who smuggled me into the Districts, fake identity and all.”
I hesitated for a moment, taking in the embers inside the stove which slowly fell apart. “I didn’t trust the place the moment I set foot in it, you know. But once in, there was no way out. It’s not like I haven’t tried. And a few weeks later, I realized I blew my life with Rowan. Figured I could at least have a child now.”
I blinked back whatever tears collected once more behind my eyes. The sobs came almost instant, pushing my heart past my ribcage. Hearing my voice telling the story made it sound even more fucked up.
“But I don’t understand,” Ayanna said, leaning over from her stool. “Leaving him left him just as much without an heir.”
“I figured it would buy him time to establish himself as a chieftain before they question the issue of an heir, considering his wife disappeared.”
Ayanna wrapped her arms around me, taking me into a big hug with a mighty squeeze to it. “There are no words to describe how much I missed you. And I’m sorry for what you had to go through.”
A warm feeling swept up my spine, and I untangled myself from her embrace before I’d cry again. I held on to her arms and took in the only friend I might have left here.
“I need to ask you something,” she whispered against my ear. “Did you really tell the council that the Clan killed Rose?”
I leaned my head back and stared at her. “What?”
“Some in the Clan say they heard rumors of you accusing us of killing Rose.”
You? Us? Her words drove a big, fat wedge between my Clan and me as if I wasn’t part of it anymore.
“I would never accuse my Clan of something like that,” I said, ignoring the faint sound of a bell ringing somewhere at the back of my head.
She gave a nod, more polite than convinced. “I believe you. And I am happy you’re back. But I need you to understand that not everyone is. Some people weren’t happy with Rowan giving us permission to get you.”
Permission to get me? But Rowan was the one who came for me!
“You’re not pregnant yet,” I looked down at her stomach, giving my head time to clear. “I figured you might have a little bump by now.”
The heaving of her chest stilled, and she pressed her answer through a line of tight lips. “Seems it’s taking us a bit longer. River is actually going to see Max about it tomorrow.”
“The scientist?”
“Uh-huh.” She rose and walked over to the tiny kitchen, clinking and clanking the dirty dishes inside the sink. “He worked as a fertility specialist there. River figured he would consult with him.”
I grabbed a red-checkered kitchen towel from the shelf above and dried off whatever she handed me. “Wow. How did you get him to see someone about it? Bet it must have hurt his pride a little when you brought it up.”
“I didn’t bring it up,” she said. “I figured it took longer because of how long I had drunk the enhanced water. But he knew how much a child meant to me. So he called up Max to see if there’s anything he can do to make it happen faster.”
Her words sucked the blood right out of me, turning my core hollow and my fingers numb. Somewhere deep, deep in the creases of my brain, envy took over and filled me with molten rage. A thought like that would never have crossed my husband’s mind.
“Oh, shit!” A plate slipped right out from between my fingers. It bounced against the towel and flew up. Gravity brought it back down. Something cold breezed through the room. Before it hit the ground, I slid my foot to the side and caught it between heel and palm.
“Gosh, I am so sorry.”
“Sorry about what?” River closed the door behind him and stomped the snow off his boots. “Am I interrupting something?”
“I told you to stomp your boots off outside,” Ayanna said. “The floor gets wet and slippery, and I don’t think it’s doing any favor to the hardwood either. But to answer your question, Darya almost dropped a plate. But she caught it.”
Ayanna helped him out of his coat, and he took her in for a big bear hug. She gave him a pleading look that had a certain sadness waiting behind her eyelids. River shook his head ever so slightly, making Ayanna close her eyes for a moment. Then she looked straight at me, her face paler than it had ever been before.
“Is something wrong with Rose?” I asked.
River’s forehead fell into deep wrinkles. “Look, some things will need time and patience.”
“What do you mean? She isn’t sick, is she?”
“No, no, of course not.” Ayanna turned away from her husband and took a step toward me, her hands tightly pressed together in front of her chest. “It’s just that… you have to understand that Rowan took care of Rose ever since we brought her here.”
“And he is doing an amazing job, Darya,” River added.
“Yes, he is. But that’s not the point,” she said, throwing River the kind of look that made even the strongest man bite his tongue. “The thing is, taking care of Rose filled the hole you left behind in him. And he… um. He doesn’t want you to. Like… He doesn’t —”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” River growled. “He refuses to give her up. He said Rose will stay with him.”
“For now!” Ayanna blurted.
She grabbed for my hands and held them tight, but not tight enough to keep me from falling into a void. He wanted to keep her.
Keep her. From me.
The only thing I had left.
The only reason I kept on living.
Pain pounded against my skull.
“He can’t keep her!” My voice cracked, but my head kept on going. No. No. No. “She is my daughter, and she will stay with me. He can not just… keep her.”
River and Ayanna exchanged another quick glance. Their faces wore hardship, as if they had more bad news and held it back — but what could be worse than what they had just told me?
Chapter 9
Rowan
“I have nobody left that I trust with those women. It’s as simple as that,” I said to my sister Autumn and grabbed the hammer from the chair beside me. I pounded a nail back into the floorboard where it belonged, baby-proofing every inch of the longhouse. “Just grab the old pull out couch from my loft and give it to Ruth. Problem solved.”
“Ruth can stay with me, and I’ll look after her,” Adair said.
I stretched my arm out and pointed the metal face right at him. “Yeah, I bet you’d like that. But I trust you less with that woman than I trust my goats with my toothpaste.”
He threw his hands up and walked away, circling the fire pit in the center of the longhouse. The wind whistled from the opening above, and the flames reached wide and tall.
Autumn crossed her hands in front of her chest, and for once, I hoped she would just stop bitching and rub that tiny bump on her belly instead.
“We don’t have room, Rowan,” she said. “We won’t finish the loft for another two months. Besides, we’re already taking in Peggy. Our home isn’t big enough for both. How about Uncle Peter? He has his own place now, doesn’t he?”
“You’re not seriously letting that guy look after her, right?” Adair put his pacing on halt for a moment, his arms hanging stiffly by his sides. “If you choose him over me, I’ll pack my shit and leave this place. That guy’s a joke. Can’t even defend himself, left alone a woman.”
“Give me that spray foam over there,” I said to Autumn, pointing at the can which stood atop my toolbox. “This corner is pretty dangerous, I’d say. Once she crawls, this thing turns into a death trap.”
She handed it over to me, and I sprayed a generous load of butter-yellow spray foam onto the corner of the stairs.
“Uncle Peter is a member of this Clan now, and he has proven himself ten times over,” I said.
Adair gave a snort.
Autumn walked from wall to wall, grinding her heels into the floor like her fussing ground into my brain. All these years we wanted more women. Now that we had them, I had no fucking idea where to put them.
“Then let Ruth stay with River and Ayanna,” I said.
“River and Ayanna have your wife with them. Remember? Your wife, Darya?” She bore her cold-ass eyes into me, knowing full well the word wife gave me the runs. So did the name Darya. “How about you take Ruth in? She can stay in my old room.”
“No way,” I said. “I’m already taking care of a baby. The last thing I need is another child to babysit.”
“She’s a grown woman,” Adair said.
“Oh, you noticed that, huh?” I asked. “Well, she’s a child to me, and I got enough of those already.” I flung my hammer at Adair who caught it with one hand. “There’s another protruding nail by that beam over there. Do me a favor and hammer that one back in real quick.”
He did as told, pounding that poor nail until the beam cracked underneath the force — probably pretending it was my face. Adair was one of my best men, but trusting him with a woman? After he had sneaked around with my sister? Behind my back? The idea didn’t sit well with me.
But Autumn was right. Their cabin was barely big enough for the two, and they had agreed to take Peggy in. River and Ayanna had my so-called wife. I had Rose. Adair, however, had nothing and nobody. And it started to piss him off. I could tell by the way he still pounded that nail, which had now disappeared deep inside the beam.
“Alright. She stays with Adair for now.”
He peaked his head out from behind the column. “For real now?”
“I know, I can’t believe it myself.” I pointed at the side door. “Go and let Max know. He can call me if he has questions. If she’s ok with it, you can bring her over to your place.”
Clunk! The hammer dropped onto the floor. The corners of Adair’s mouth stretched all the way to his earlobes as if I had just handed him an intact poster of a pin-up girl. With a round ass, firm tits and all. Three-dimensional, too!
On his way to the side door, he almost shuffled his legs into a knot. Seconds had made him grow inches, and he puffed his chest out like a rooster in spring.
“And Adair,” I said, making him stop in his tracks and lose his momentum.
“What?”
“Too much masturbation makes you go blind.”
“Hilarious…”
I gave him a wink and waved him off, hiding my small grin underneath my beard.
“You know he will hit on her, right?” Autumn asked.
I walked over to where Adair had dropped the hammer and picked it up. “As long as he doesn’t touch her, he can hit on her all he wants.”
“What if she touches him?”
My brief consideration turned into a headshake. “Not fucking likely. Unless he keeps his mouth shut for the next few weeks. And I don’t see that happening.”
The door of the longhouse opened, letting in freezing howls and bitter moans. Gusts had picked up over the morning, whipping the shingles on the roof and bringing snow-heavy branches down.
One of my guards, Damon, poked his head in and let his eyes dart back and forth between me and whatever went on behind his back.
“Come in and close that door already,” I said. “That wind’s howling like a banshee today and I don’t want the room to cool out.”
“It’s… it’s not the wind, chieftain.” He gazed over his shoulder once more and gave a one-sided shrug. “She insists on coming inside. Won’t take no for an answer. Your wife, I mean.”
“My what?”
The gears inside my brain turned, turned, turned. A slap on the back of my head threw a screwdriver into those gears. My mind threw sparks. Tension crawled up my spine. Shit!
“You wife, Rowan,” Autumn said in a sharp tone, her palm lungeing out for another hit. “Stop acting a fool and talk to her already. She’s your wife for heaven’s sake if you like it or not. Find some common ground like adults do.”
Something paralyzing swept across my body. I fucking didn’t want to adult. What was there to talk about, anyway? Whatever history we had together lay in the past, and Rose’s future was with me.
My heart dropped.
She came to take the future from me.
“Get your ass home to your husband,” I barked at her, “and let me take care of my wife.” I scoffed. “Wife my ass. If she thinks she can just show up here and take Rose away from me, then that room might have turned her insane for good.”
She sighed and turned toward the door, mumbling something about not right and solution, but I didn’t want to hear it because I didn’t fucking care.
I sat down on my high seat, although I debated standing at first and combed my hair back. Who the hell did she think she was? I was the chieftain. I was the law. I stroked my palms over my beard, pushing those stray hairs into uniformity.
Nobody takes Rose from me.
Damon’s wide stance did little to push back against the force behind him, which shoved and screamed like a lunatic. He flicked his gaze toward me repeatedly. My breath came out faster than I could take in the oxygen I needed for thinking.
I dropped my voice as deep as my vocal cords would let me. “Let her in. I’ll handle her from here.”
She pushed through his shoulder, and Damon quickly disappeared behind the other side of the door once more. Metal clinked on metal. The door fell heavy into its lock.
Darya stomped toward me, her face tense, and her golden brown hair clinging to
the damp forehead. Whatever I thought she had when I first met her was now less. Less tits. Less ass. Less everything but, fuck, she was still so god damn beautiful.
I was the one sitting on the high seat, but she owned this room like she had owned the dark corner in the Districts last night. I hated her for it. And I hated myself even more for noticing.
With each of her steps, I built myself up. Growing taller and taller. Stretching my tailbone. Pushing those elbows out. But she didn’t mimic me like she had done it so many times. Instead, she grew even smaller.
Her shoulders slumped. Her head dropped.
Her stomps turned into one foot dragging behind the other, stopping several feet away from the pedestal.
She stood there for a while, staring at me from heavy-lidded eyes as if something weighted them down. I wanted to say many things. Most of them unkind. Fuck, all of them, actually. But I couldn’t get my lips to move, and my throat had turned as dry as Rose’s sandbox behind the cabin.
She lifted her head, and our eyes met. “You cut your hair.”
Did she just say I cut my hair?
The muscles along my calves twitched, and I jumped up. To my surprise, she shrunk back. The Darya I have known would never have shrunk back.
“I lost men looking for you.” I took a single step toward her and bent over, her head still barely reaching my chest. “Now you show up here, and all you got to say is you cut your hair?”
Her head dropped once more, hiding the tremble in her lips. They mumbled something incoherent.
“What?”
“I said, I am sorry!”
“Oh, she said she’s sorry.” A cramp shot through my hands, probably because of the way I had my fists clenched. “What for exactly? The way a bear mauled Hank while searching for a strand of your hair? Or how Finn got buried without his head because we couldn’t find it?” My ribcage vibrated from the way I shouted. Then I let out a scoff. “Wait a minute. Maybe you’re sorry for the way you made me the fucking laughingstock of this place!”
I had spit the words at her and all anger left from inside me — only to be replaced with complete surprise. No idea how it happened, but Darya now kneeled in front of me, her shoulders dancing to each of her sobs.
