by D. N. Hoxa
“I talked to Zoe,” she whispered after the waiter brought us our food.
“Your friend?”
She smiled. “Yeah. I wrote to her on Facebook yesterday. She’s, uh…she’s coming to town next month to visit her grandmother, and she said she’d love to hang out with me. You probably think I’m stupid for being this excited about it, but I can’t wait to see her.”
It was like a blow to my gut.
“That’s great, Willow.” I tried to smile for her sake, but I couldn’t. “Excuse me,” I said, and stood up to go to the men’s room. The disappointed look on her face went with me.
I locked myself in the small space and splashed cold water on my face. What the hell was wrong with me? Wasn’t that what I wanted? Wasn’t that what I told her that night? That I wanted her to live?
I did, but I never thought it would make me want to fucking kill myself over it. I pushed her to want to do things. To enjoy her life, because I knew it was going to end soon if I didn’t come up with a plan. I hadn’t. I probably never would. I couldn’t say no. The Devil wouldn’t let me. I had no choice but to go through with it.
My head hurt so much, I wanted to smash it against the mirror. Considering running away through the back door was a completely new low for me. I didn’t run away as I probably should have. I wiped my face and went back to her instead.
Willow Robinson
Adrian wanted to get away. From me. He was so uncomfortable, I almost told him to leave myself. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. Instead, I tried to get it out of him.
That didn’t work, to say the least. He practically ran to his car when we left the restaurant.
Had it been something I’d done?
I couldn’t say for sure.
When Monday came and noon passed, and he didn’t show up at Treat Yourself, I texted him. I hated to sound desperate, but for some reason, I didn’t think he’d take pity on me. I wrote the text a hundred times, deleted it, then wrote it again, until I finally pressed send.
Did I do something?
He’d left without an explanation. Just said that he had a headache. He never texted back to tell me how he was. I just wanted to know what was going on. I didn’t want to spend all day waiting for him to come see me.
No, Willow. You did nothing, his text said a few minutes later.
Would you tell me if I did? I typed with shaky fingers.
I would.
I started laughing then. What the hell was wrong with me? How did I even convince myself that I had the right to freak out just because he didn’t come to see me for one day?
So we’d kissed. So what? We never talked about us. We never put a name to it.
But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t feel like shit all day long.
At home, I was searching for a movie to watch when Zoe wrote to me.
Do you Skype?
I never did, but I had an account from college. I was sweating by the time I figured out what my password was, and I added her. A second later, she called.
I almost cried when I saw her face on my screen. She’d changed so much! Her dark hair was now short, cut close to her chin. She wasn’t as thin as she used to be, and that was a good look on her. Only her green eyes looked exactly the same. I’d missed her so much, I couldn’t speak.
“For God’s sake, Wee! Put. Your. Hair. Down!” she demanded.
We looked at each other for a second after she said that, then we both burst out laughing. So hard that I had tears in my eyes by the time I was done.
I couldn’t believe it. Her voice sounded the same. The way she spoke to me sounded the same. It was like the last two years had never happened.
“Hi, Zoe.”
“Hey, Wee. It’s so good to see you,” she said. “But seriously. Just put your hair down, will you?”
Laughing, I indulged her. She never let me tie my hair back while we were friends. Not even on Sundays when we stayed inside and watched movies all day. It was just the way she was.
“It’s good to see you, too, Zoe. How is Leo?”
Her little boy looked like a mini Zoe. He even looked like a girl in a picture Zoe sent me of him in a red blouse.
“He’s good. He’s walking now,” she said, smiling like the world was hers.
“He is? I’d love to see him walk!”
“You will when I come home to Grandma. He’s asleep right now. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to call,” she said and yawned. “Raising kids is exhausting, Wee.”
“You thought going to the grocery store was exhausting,” I said. I remembered all the times she made me go by myself.
“Going to the grocery store sounds like taking a nap now,” she said, flinching.
“How are you, Zoe? You look good.”
“I’m fat,” she said, shrugging. “I’m trying to start a diet, but I somehow end up starting tomorrow, every day.”
“You’ll get there, I’m sure. How’s Mitch?”
“He’s good. Working most of the time,” she said reluctantly. “How about you? What are you doing? How’s Maria? How is everyone in Granton?”
I told her everything I could think of about the people she knew, too. There wasn’t much to tell, so I finished quickly. Then, for a reason I’m not very sure of, I told her about Adrian.
Everything, from the day he walked into the shop to the day before when he left me like a fool in front of the restaurant and ran like he was being chased by ghosts.
“Sounds…complicated,” Zoe said. “But just so we’re clear, you saw him every single day for the past week?”
I nodded. “Except Saturday. And today.”
“I’m married, and I don’t think I see my husband that much,” Zoe said.
“I know this isn’t your typical…whatever.” What the hell was it, anyway?
“I’m trying to decide if that’s a good thing or not,” Zoe said.
“It is a good thing. It feels good. It feels natural to be around him all the time,” I said, feeling a tiny bit pathetic about myself.
“Yeah, but what if he’s like…a serial killer? Or just a guy with a thing for gorgeous blonde babes? Have you read the news lately, Wee? Creeps like that are everywhere. I’d be careful if I were you. Keep pepper spray with you at all times, so that if he’s trying to kill you, you can do that thing we rehearsed,” she said, and she didn’t care that I was laughing. “You know the thing? Pepper spray and then kick him in the balls with everything you have? Keep that in mind.”
“You’re insane, Zoe. He’s not going to kill me. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You can never be too sure. Just buy some pepper spray.”
She was dead serious.
“I know what you’re doing,” I said, laughing and shaking my head.
She grinned. “I don’t know what you mean.”
But she did. When she first started dating Mitch, that was what I said to her. I even bought her a pepper spray and forced her to keep it in her purse all the time. Just in case.
“My God, Wee,” Zoe breathed. “Look at us.”
“Yeah.”
For two years, I never laughed. Ever. But the past week, I was laughing almost every single day. I went from one extreme to another, but I wasn’t complaining.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, and it sounded like she was crying.
“Zoe, no.”
“I was such a bitch. I ruined it. I ruined us completely,” she said.
“You didn’t ruin us. Look at us now! We’re talking like we always did, right?”
She started to cry out loud. It was weird to see her crying but not be able to go to her and hug her. Very uncomfortable.
“I’m so sorry, Wee,” she kept saying.
“Damn it, Zoe! Just stop it!” She was making me freak out, too.
“I need to get it out,” she said. “I just need to get it out, and you’re going to let me, because it was my fault.”
“It was my fault, too!”
“How was it
your fault?” she said and laughed dryly.
“Because I didn’t push you! I didn’t…I didn’t do anything. I didn’t fight. I just left.”
For so long, that had haunted me so much more than Zoe’s words. I’d been a coward. I’d let the best friend I ever had just go. Just like that. I hadn’t even tried to talk to her. At all. Until Adrian.
“We’re going to get to that in a minute. But I need to get it out first,” Zoe said, then she stopped moving for a second. “In fact, let’s get to it right now. How dare you let me say those things to you?”
My mouth opened, but I had nothing to say. I just shrugged.
“You sat there, and you let me call you a bitch. A liar. A bad person! What is wrong with you?” she hissed. “You can’t just sit back and take all that. Not from anyone! Ever. You have to fight back, Wee. You should’ve come over and kicked me in the face. Or just texted me and called me a bitch, too! God knows I was one,” she said, and tears kept streaming from her eyes. Mine, too.
“Yeah, you were a bitch. Such a fucking bitch, Zoe.”
Maybe I was insane, but it felt amazing to say that. Amazing.
“I know,” she said. “But I’m going to make it up to you, I swear.” Then she laughed again. “Do you have any idea how many times I wished I could talk to you again like this?”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I didn’t think you ever wanted to see me again. Mitch made me say sorry that first time. I didn’t think I was ever going to hear from you again, but then you got in touch. I’ve…I’ve kind of been rehearsing what to say all day yesterday.”
I couldn’t stop laughing. This was unreal. I kept thinking, if it hadn’t been for Adrian, I would’ve missed this. I would’ve never gotten my friend back.
It took a lot for me to stop myself from thanking him again with a text when I went to bed that night after talking to Zoe for three hours. But it seemed like he needed his space. And I was going to give it to him.
He didn’t come on Monday.
He didn’t come on Tuesday.
By Wednesday, I stopped waiting. At least that’s what I told myself.
But then the door to the shop would open, and my heart would stop beating. I’d stop breathing until I’d see the face of the man, the woman, anyone that wasn’t Adrian.
Was it even possible for a person to practically change your whole life, or the way you view your life, in five days?
When I asked Zoe that, she said yes. She said Leo had changed everything about her and the world around her the same second she’d touched him.
Of course, that isn’t the case with me and Adrian, but it didn’t stop me from thinking about it. When five o’clock came, I went home, made myself a sandwich and sat down with Mom to watch a movie while I waited for Zoe to Skype me. We’d made a deal to see each other every night after Leo went to sleep. We made it a tradition, and we weren’t allowed to break it unless it was a life or death situation.
“Mom, I want to go back to college,” I said when I got tired of pretending to watch TV. I noticed how she froze in place and stopped breathing, but I never took my eyes off the screen.
I hadn’t planned it. I hadn’t even thought about it. The words simply popped into my head, and I spoke them. Adrian said waiting killed all the fun of things. Perhaps I’d taken his words more seriously than I realized.
“I know you do, honey, but—”
“No, I don’t think you do. I really want to go, Mom. I don’t want to stay here anymore.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “You can’t leave me yet, Willow.” It was a pleading, a blow to my gut.
“I’m not leaving you, Mom. Your life is here. You have George. Your job. You don’t need me. You just think you do.”
It took me forever to gather the courage to say those things to her, things I never dared to even think around her before. It felt good to get them out there, but it was also heartbreaking to see my mother like that. So hopeless.
“You are my life, Willow. You’re everything I have left,” she said like she couldn’t believe I was making her say it.
“I love you, Mom. More than anything in the world. But I’m twenty years old, and this is not it for me. I won’t let it be. I need to move on. I need to…live.” No word made more sense to me than that.
“I can’t…can we talk about this later?” she said and held on to her chest with both hands like she was going to suffocate. My own chest hurt like it was being cut open. I hated seeing her like that. I wished I could hold her hand and stay with her forever, but neither of us would’ve been happy.
“Of course, Mom. Just promise me you’ll think about it. And when you get back from your trip, we’ll sit down and talk,” I said. She nodded, but I wasn’t entirely sure she heard me. “You’re just afraid, Mom. You’re afraid of losing me, but I promise you, you won’t.”
I kissed her hand and went up to my room to give her some space to breathe. By the time George came home, she would be fine. I was hoping he would talk to her, too. I couldn’t imagine that me being there in the same house with them didn’t piss him off. It pissed me off, and I loved him for never saying anything about it.
I told Zoe about it when she called me. She was so proud of me, I think she cried. I did, too, but I waited for the call to be over first. I didn’t want to cry in front of her, because I wouldn’t be crying for the same reason she was. I cried because I’d finally stopping moving backwards and took a step forward in my life, and I couldn’t even tell the boy who’d made it happen.
Adrian Ward
“You haven’t left the house in three days,” Alan said. “Wanna tell us what’s the matter?”
“I just came in,” I said, shrugging.
I took off my headphones, and as if by magic, the headache returned. I didn’t know what it was about music, but sometimes, it chased the pain away. That was why I never stopped it. I even slept with headphones on these days.
Alan rolled his eyes. “I mean you haven’t left the house and the woods,” he said.
“So what?”
“So what?” He stood up from the couch and walked over to me. The expression on his face said he was expecting me to be afraid of him. “Aren’t you supposed to get to know Willow Robinson?”
“Don’t say her name,” I hissed against my better judgment.
Alan laughed. “I can say whatever I want to fucking say. What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing is going on!”
“Then tell me what I need to know!” he shouted back.
“No.”
“It wasn’t a question, Adrian. You gonna tell us everything you know about that girl.”
“I won’t.” And he couldn’t make me.
He pushed me, and I fell a few steps back. I’d never hit my brothers before. Ever. But I wouldn’t mind starting.
“You little piece of shit,” he spit. “You asked for time, and I gave you two weeks because you wanted to get to know her. Because you were supposed to find out where she goes, how she lives. That was the deal.”
“I made one fucking deal I can’t walk away from. You’re not getting anything from me,” I said.
Trying to keep my calm wasn’t working. My head was practically split in half and my ears whistled. Alan didn’t seem to notice, or didn’t care, because he came at me and pushed me back again. It took all I had not to hit him.
“Were you really hoping to come up with a plan to save her?” He laughed dryly. “There is no way around this, boy! None! Don’t you think I’ve tried already? You can’t walk away from it!”
“I’m not going to kill her.”
“You don’t have a fucking choice!” he shouted. “So either you tell us everything we need to know, or I will go after her today.”
I grabbed him by his shirt. “You gave me two weeks.”
“You think I’m stupid, boy? You’ve been closing yourself in all day, doing nothing like the piece of shit that you are. Didn’t you think we’d notice?
”
“I’m going to see her tomorrow,” I hissed. “She was sick the past few days.”
The lie flew out without me having to even think about it. It didn’t matter what I said. So long as I got more time to think, it didn’t matter what lie I told. It had been a mistake to stay inside the past three days. I should’ve just gone out somewhere and pretended to have seen her.
“You never lied to us before, Adrian,” he said, and he had the courage to sound disappointed.
“I’m not lying to you now, either. Just give it a rest, Alan. I’m doing the best I can.”
I pushed him to the side and made for the stairs.
“What happens when your time’s up, Adrian?” I froze in place. “Have you thought about what happens if you don’t come up with a plan to save her?”
There was no answer to that question for me yet, so I didn’t say anything.
On Thursday, I got into my car at noon, and I drove around town. Somehow, all the roads led me to Granton. Somehow, I ended up passing Treat Yourself. Three times.
But it was just a coincidence.
I ate by myself. I drove around some more. Normally, I liked to think when I was driving. My head was clearer. But that day, I didn’t want to think, because all thoughts led me to Willow. Her face. The way she spoke. The way she tasted. How disappointed she must’ve felt that I hadn’t even tried to contact her the past four days, right after I practically ran away on Sunday. I wished I could explain it to her. I wished I could sit down and talk to her about all of it. But I couldn’t. She would think I was crazy. She would never want to see me again.
And that thought drove me mad.
Then I saw her, walking down the street, before she turned the corner and disappeared inside a grocery store. It was three o’clock. She was supposed to be at work, wasn’t she?
I parked my car in the store’s parking lot and waited until I saw her coming out with two full bags in hand. It might’ve been one of the most embarrassing things I ever did, but I pretended to be on my way to the store when I saw her.
