by D. N. Hoxa
I stopped breathing altogether when I touched her. I came back to life when I was inside her.
She cried out my name over and over again, and it was like a call from heaven. My eyes squeezed shut as I inhaled deeply. It felt so good to be there, one with her, that it almost hurt.
But the need to watch her face was stronger. She looked at me like her life depended on my every move. It made it all the more beautiful. I kissed her, my eyes open, because I wanted to see every reaction, every little move she made.
I’d slept with women many times before, but none of those times came even close to how it felt to be inside Willow, to watch her beautiful face, to hear her breathe and cry out in pleasure as we moved our hips in rhythm, and touched each other everywhere.
It didn’t last nearly as long as I wanted it to, but then again, I wanted to stay like that, buried inside her forever. The second she called my name and surrendered to the feeling, I let go, too.
I fell on top of her for a long minute, my strength completely gone. This was all I’d been looking for, all my life. I always felt half empty, because I’d never gotten to leave home—that’s what I thought. Because I hadn’t gone to college. Made a name for myself, but no. This was it.
I fell to my side from fear I would suffocate her, and I wrapped her in my arms again. For a while, we lay still and let the sweat dry on our skins, listening to our heavy breathing gradually return to normal.
“I think I’m going to marry you,” she whispered against my chest, and I laughed. I laughed because I couldn’t cry. “I’m serious. I want to sleep like this for the rest of my life.”
“Willow…” Just as fast as she’d made me whole, she broke me again.
“Zoe wrote a letter to me once, when she planned this birthday party for me when I turned nineteen,” she said, and laughed at herself. “God, I’ll never forget that night. She took me to seventeen places all over town, following letter after letter she’d left for me, until I finally made it to this bar. I found her with all our friends, waiting in the dark. She’d completely filled the room with balloons of all kinds, and I cried so hard.”
“Why did you cry?”
“Because she was supposed to be in Canada, visiting some relative. I hadn’t seen her in a week, because I thought she was in Canada!” she laughed, and her body vibrated deliciously against mine. “I was so mad at her for leaving on my birthday. So mad that when I saw her face and realized she’d never left, I cried like a baby.”
“I thought you said you were boring,” I said as I kissed the top of her head.
“Honestly? I somehow forgot all about this stuff. I can’t even explain it to you. It all disappeared somewhere, and it took you,” she said, and leaned up to give me a kiss, “to get me to remember who I was and what I did.”
“It was my pleasure,” I said reluctantly, for her sake.
“Anyway, the last letter she wrote to me said something along the lines of living in the moment is the best kind of life there is.”
“I think I’m going to have to agree with her on that one.” Or I wished I could.
Willow laughed again. “I can’t wait for you to meet her. Though I have to warn you. She’s completely crazy. But yes, she was right. I’ve lived in the moment ever since I’ve met you, and I’m living proof that she was right.”
She yawned and her chest pressed tighter against mine, but I pushed those thoughts away. I just wanted to hold her for now.
“You give me too much credit,” I said.
“Maybe,” she whispered, then she raised up on her elbows and looked at me. “I love you, Adrian.”
It was the best thing I’d ever heard—and the worst. Combined, they threatened to make my head explode.
“No, Willow,” I said, and hid my face against her neck. “I’m not a guy you can love. I’m dangerous.”
“But I do. I love you, and I trust you.”
Blow after blow.
“You shouldn’t.”
She pushed me away to look at my face again. “I do. You’ll take care of me, Adrian. I know it.”
The headache began to whistle in my head. My vision grew dark, like a tunnel at the end of which I saw her face, only barely. She trusted me. She trusted me to take care of her.
Would I?
My mouth opened, and the words were there. So close I could touch them. Feel them on my tongue. Four simple words that would make a world of a difference.
“Adrian?” From the way she narrowed her brows, I knew she saw me. My struggle. Those words… “Adrian, are you okay?”
I would be, just as soon as I could say it.
Say it.
Just fucking say it!
“Willow…run away with me.”
Willow Robinson
My ears must have not worked properly.
“What?”
“You heard me, Willow,” Adrian said. I was naked, in my bed with him next to me, after the best night of my life, and here he was, asking me to run away with him.
“Why?” I asked, dumbfounded. Then he sat up and grabbed his head in his hands. “Adrian? Adrian, what’s wrong?”
He gritted his teeth to keep from screaming. He looked to be in so much pain. I couldn’t understand it. He seemed fine until then.
“I’m fine,” he mumbled, but he kept pressing his temples with the heels of his hands as hard as he could, and judging by his expression, it wasn’t helping.
“Is it your head? Do you want some Advil?”
“No, I’m fine. Just give me a sec,” he said. I didn’t know what else to do except sit next to him and watch his face filled with agony. It felt like my head started to ache, too.
“Do you have a migraine?” But he only shook his head once.
I looked around the room, trying to find something that could help me take his pain away, but there was nothing there.
Adrian finally let go of his head and rubbed his face furiously before he turned to me again. “Run away with me, Willow. Please,” he said. His eyes were red. He almost looked mad.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
He grabbed my hand and kissed it like he’d kissed me a few minutes ago.
“I’m fine, I promise,” he said. “What do you say?”
“I…” What the hell was there to say? “Why do you want to run away?”
He flinched at the words.
“Don’t you want to leave this place and start a new life somewhere else? Just leave everything behind and start from the beginning again. With me.”
It was so, so tempting.
“Where would we even go?” I said, and I laughed because the idea was crazy. Completely crazy.
“Anywhere you want. Anywhere in the world, just name it,” he said.
“Are you…are you being serious?”
“Yes, Willow. Come on, baby. Let’s get out of this fucked up place. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go,” he said and kissed me. In that kiss, I felt his pain. It was overwhelming, because it told me that, yes, he really meant it.
“I don’t…I don’t know, Adrian. Seems a bit extreme.”
It was kind of my plan to run away if Mom didn’t agree with me leaving for college. At first. But then, I thought of Adrian. Would I ever see him again if I left?
I doubted it. That’s how I found myself secretly hoping that Mom would say no. And that she would make me stay home all day long, just so she could keep an eye on me. So she wouldn’t let me leave.
“I mean, I thought about going to college—”
“Yes! College,” he said. “We can go to college. Have you ever wanted to study abroad? I hear Europe has the best law schools in the world.”
He probably made that up, but I still loved him for saying it.
“I have. I’ve always wanted to travel.” Ever since I was a little kid.
“Then, this is it. This is our chance. We can travel the world, study abroad. Do anything we want.”
He was so excited, I began to feel it, too. It tin
gled in the tips of my toes.
“Oh, God. I can’t believe we’re even talking about this!”
“Imagine what our lives would be like, Willow,” he said, and I did. Damn it, it looked perfect. But even Granton looked perfect when Adrian was there. I even liked my room that night. “I have enough money to take us wherever we want.”
“I have money, too. Dad left me a lot, and it should cover at least the first year.”
I’d never touched the money Dad had left me, and I never even knew why. Maybe…maybe I was waiting for this.
“Is that a yes?”
He grabbed my face in his hands. He looked at me like I owned his life and he was at my mercy. It almost made me say yes, screw it right there. But my Mom…
“I’ll think about it,” I said. “That’s the best I can do for now.”
Adrian kissed me, then took me with him when he lay down on my bed. I wrapped myself with him like he was my favorite blanket and rested my head on his strong arm. I was smiling, and it seemed like that smile was there to stay.
As I drifted to sleep, my mind replayed every second starting from when Adrian knocked on my door. It was so good, I giggled at myself while he caressed me and kissed my head more times than I could count. I couldn’t wait to tell Zoe all about it. It was the magic she always talked about. She claimed she’d felt it first with Mitch, then with her son Leo. Only now did I know what that meant, and it was as beautiful as she described it to be.
I must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because when I woke up, it was light outside. Adrian was gone.
I found a small piece of paper right next to my pillow.
I’ll be waiting for your answer.
His handwriting reminded me of another. It was very similar to the one on the envelope someone had left for George the night before he left for Paris with Mom. I put the letter in my drawer, to save it for later, and thanked God it was Sunday.
I took a shower, all the while smiling like an idiot, then made breakfast for myself. I was already done by the time Mom called me the same time she always did, ever since she left. Exactly nine a.m.
“Hey, honey,” she said, sighing in relief. It was like she was afraid I wouldn’t pick up the phone, every single time.
“Morning, Mom.”
“How are you?”
“I’m great! How are you? How is George?”
“We’re good, honey. Did something happen? You sound very…very…”
“Happy?” I grinned at myself. “It’s just a beautiful day, and I woke up in a good mood.”
“I’m glad you did, honey. How’s the house? Are you doing okay? Are you eating enough?” she said.
“I am. Don’t worry about me. Tell me about Paris…”
And she did. She told me about the streets, the people, the amazing shops. The Eiffel Tower that for some reason she didn’t know was filled with red lights every night. I was happy for her. She was enjoying herself, as was I. And I wasn’t planning to even mention college, but Adrian’s words spun around in my mind.
“Have you thought about it, Mom?” I asked when she finished telling me about Paris.
“Willow…”
“Mom, I’m serious. I really think it’s time I left.”
“No!” she cried. “Don’t say that. You can’t leave yet, Willow.”
I stood up, and in the process, spilled the glass half-filled with milk on the floor. I ignored it and went to the living room.
“Don’t you get it? I need to leave here, Mom. I’m twenty years old, damn it. It’s time I started living again.”
“Exactly. You’re only twenty years old, honey. You have plenty of time for college and anything else you want to do. You can’t leave me now…”
“Mom…”
“What if I get sick? I could get sick here, in Paris.”
“You’re not going to get sick!” Talking to her was exhausting.
“Maybe I will. I can’t be alone, Willow.”
“But you’re not alone! You have George.”
She sometimes sounded like the poor man didn’t even exist at all. It gave me the impression that she’d married him just to make sure she always had someone to look after her, aside from me.
“That’s different,” Mom said.
“It’s really not.”
“Willow, we’ve been over this, so many times. I’m tired, honey,” she said, and I could tell she was crying.
“You’re never going to let me go, are you? Just because you’re afraid of being alone, you’re going to make sure I waste the best years of my life in this house with you!” I shouted. I’d never yelled at my mother like that before, but honestly, I was tired, too!
“Time will come when you’ll leave. Just not now.”
I almost threw my phone against the window, but I settled for a loud sigh instead.
“You know I love you, right, Mom?”
“I love you, too, Willow.”
“Take care, Mom. Say hi to George for me.”
When I hung up the phone, I sat on the floor, and I cried. Big, fat tears rolled down my cheeks and fell in my lap. I knew it. I always knew that’s what she’d say. She’d been saying the same words at least once every month for the past year. Why would now be any different?
I texted Zoe and asked for advice, though I knew what she would say, even before she replied. I told her what Mom said, but I didn’t tell her about Adrian’s proposition. I wondered what she’d say about that…
Leave. It’s time, she replied, but I didn’t tell her about the running away part.
I put on a movie, because suddenly, I was tired, and I just wanted to lie down. My eyes were pinned to the screen, but I saw nothing. My mind worked full speed.
I’d spent the last two years wallowing in self-pity because I wasn’t strong enough to put my foot down. I let myself forget who I was, all the crazy, fun stuff I did before Dad died and Mom became paranoid, and I didn’t even say anything. If Adrian hadn’t come to the shop that day, would I still have been the same?
It was barely two weeks, but it felt like a lifetime to me. I detested the person I was before this. I never wanted to go back to it.
Instead, I wanted to do things like I had in the past few days. I want to do things like that every single day. Traveling the world with Adrian was like a dream I never knew I had, and it was on the verge of coming true. In the end, it hadn’t even been a question. Not since he showed up at my door and told me he loved me.
I was never the kind of girl who needed a boy to feel good about herself. But with Adrian, it was different. I didn’t need him to feel good about myself. I needed him to feel happy.
So I wiped my tears and took my phone out of my pocket again.
I’ll run away with you.
Adrian Ward
The text message shook me to my core.
She said yes.
It made it so real all of a sudden. Like it was already happening. I was running away from home.
The thought of Dad’s face tore my chest apart. I never thought I’d leave him. But what other choice did I have? It was practically a miracle I’d been able to ask Willow to run away with me, but I hadn’t thought about Dad. About my brothers. Now, I did. And it terrified me so much, it felt like I was losing my mind.
I climbed on shaky legs from the stairs to the porch just as Doc and Alan came back from wherever the hell they’d been that morning.
“What’s happened to you?” Doc said when he looked at me. Maybe I looked paler than I thought.
“Nothing. Just a headache.”
It was more than just an ache. It felt like my head wanted to run away from the rest of my body.
“It just means there’s something in there,” Alan said, grinning. “It ain’t empty.”
“You need to go see a doctor, boy,” Doc said.
“I’m fine.”
“What he needs is to get laid,” Alan said. “We’re hitting the bar tonight. Are you in?”
Perfect. “No.
” As soon as they left the house, I would have more than enough time to get my things, wait for Dad to fall asleep, and leave. By then, I would’ve done my research for ideas on where to go.
My stomach turned. I ran inside to the bathroom upstairs and barely made it to the sink before it all came out of me. Throwing up was the worst feeling in the world. Especially when all I could throw up was the water I’d drank. I hadn’t been able to eat anything for breakfast. My lungs wanted to come out, too, and I couldn’t catch a breath for a long time.
“Something’s wrong with you, boy,” Doc said from the door to the bathroom. The fact that he looked concerned about me only made it worse. Would he look like that if I told him I planned on leaving him and Alan and Dad behind for good?
I doubted it.
“I’m fine, just the heat,” I mumbled before I filled my mouth with toothpaste and brushed my teeth.
“I feel the heat, too, and I’m not spitting everything out like you,” he said. “Come on. I’ll take you.”
“No. I’m fine. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, since the brush was still in my mouth.
He let it go and didn’t mention the doctor anymore, but he looked at me funny all day long. So did Alan. I knew I was just being paranoid, but they looked at me like they knew. They were probably just worried about me throwing up.
I locked myself in my room and turned my laptop on. I searched for the places with the smallest number of population close by. I found more than a few, but one of them looked the most promising. I searched the maps, made necessary calculations, and thought that once I was done, I’d feel better.
But the paranoia was stuck in my head, and it stayed with me until somehow, sleep took me. And while I slept, I dreamed, and in my dream, I saw him.
The dream started the same way the last one had. The space around me dark. A candle burned orange flames a few feet away from me.
“No,” I whispered to myself and closed my eyes.
Wake up, wake up, wake up. I needed to wake up.
“Oh, Adrian,” he said, laughing that sickening sound that kept me up at night. My eyes opened on their own.
