by Jerry Cole
He swallowed as he tried to keep his breathing steady. He knew that the conversation that he was about to have could end everything that they had tried to start. That wasn’t what he wanted. That was the reason that he was so afraid. When things had ended with Roger, he was worried that he would never be able to feel anything like that again. Not for Roger, not for anyone.
But with Jon, everything had come back. With the way Jon spoke, it would have been easy to get carried away. While he had tried really hard to stop himself from being swept up in the promise of Jon, he had found it difficult. It was so easy to get distracted by those dark eyes and that mischievous smile. It was also, he realized, probably an absolutely terrible idea.
“So there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” Mark said.
Jon looked up at him and swallowed the bit of pancake in his mouth before he smiled, his lips still sticky. Mark thought he looked adorable. “What’s up? Do you want a bonus or something? You did such an am—”
Mark rolled his eyes. He was a little annoyed, but he was even starting to find Jon’s insistence about giving him money slightly endearing. “No. Please stop offering me more money.”
Jon nodded, laughing. “You’re weird.”
“I know. No, this isn’t about work — this is about, I don’t know, us.”
Jon cocked his head, his eyes narrowing slightly. “I, yeah, I probably came on a little strong. I’m really sorry about that. I told you I have social anxiety, right?”
“You did,” Mark replied. “But no. I just — look, I just need to make sure that this is real to you. And I don’t mean just the nice parts.”
“The nice parts like making me pancakes in the middle of the night and doing a month’s worth of work in seven days? Because those are pretty big deals, I’m just saying.”
Mark shook his head. “You can think about those. Of course you can. And I mean, there’s a reason I’m doing it, you know?”
Jon raised his eyebrows.
“It’s because I really like you. A lot.”
“Well, I don’t like where this is going.”
“And you know how earlier you said that you were in this? I don’t know if you know that for sure.”
Jon frowned. “So you are saying that I’m lying?”
“No,” Mark said, when he saw Jon’s expression darken. “Not - like not exactly.”
“Not exactly,” Jon repeated. The anger in his voice was obvious. The fork that he was holding had started to tremble. Mark felt slightly guilty for a second before he continued talking.
“Look,” he said. “I know that you think you really want this. And you might. I don’t really know how to conceptualize it, but you might really want me. But having a relationship like this is hard, especially when it’s your first relationship with — with someone like me.”
“You can say a man,” Jon replied. “I’m not afraid of being in a relationship with you.”
“I’m just saying that maybe you should be,” Mark replied. “Maybe that should be something that you need to, I don’t know, consider. Because you’re—”
“I’m not afraid,” Jon said. “The only thing I’m afraid of is you.”
“You’re afraid of me?”
Jon nodded. “I’m afraid because you keep pushing me away,” he replied. “I’m afraid because you keep comparing me to people in your past. I’ve always known what I want—”
“But you didn’t know you liked men—”
“Right, because I hadn’t met you. But now that I’ve met you, I know exactly what I want. And that doesn’t mean I only want you when you are making me food or doing things for me. I want you when you are doing nothing but lying there. I want you when you are upset or sad or worried, too. I even want you like this.”
“Like this?”
“You know, full of self-doubt to the point where you’re worried I don’t actually love you and just want your dick.”
“You—”
“Which, for the record, I do,” Jon said.
Mark blinked. There was cold sweat all over his body and he wasn’t sure if he had heard Jon right.
“For the record you do what?”
“For the record,” Jon replied. “I do want your dick.”
Before Mark had managed to start processing what Jon had said, Jon had moved the plate off his lap and had crawled to where Mark was sitting on the sofa. He kissed him on the lips first, his lips sweet and sticky with syrup and his breath smelling of pancakes.
“Stop trying to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed,” Jon said, moving away from Mark’s face. “You know how you said that I needed to stop offering you money to spend time with you?”
“Yes,” Mark replied breathlessly.
“Well, then,” Jon replied, nibbling on his ear and stroking the back of his neck. “You need to stop doing this.”
“What’s this?”
“This,” Jon said. “Making everything into way more of a big deal that it needs to be.”
“You don’t understand,” Mark replied. He was trying to focus on the conversation instead of the friction created by Jon’s ass as he rubbed up and down against his rock-hard dick. “This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is. It’s a huge deal.”
He put his arms around Jon’s waist and brought him even closer to his body. He smelled of sweat and syrup. His scent was so masculine and perfect that even though Mark really did want to talk, he couldn’t help but lose himself in the insistent kiss that Jon was giving him.
“I see,” Jon replied, breaking away from him and smiling. “Because it kind of doesn’t feel like a big deal to me, you know?”
“Yes,” Mark said. “That’s exactly the —”
As he was trying to finish his sentence, Jon was kissing the crook of his neck and moving his tight, beautiful ass against his hardened cock through the thin fabric of his shorts. Jon was grinding hard against him, creating friction in ways that made it almost impossible for him to remember what he wanted to say in the first place.
“How are you so good at this?” Mark was vaguely aware that he was asking.
“Hmm,” Jon said, throwing his head back. “I just know what feels good to me. And I know how much you want this. I know how much you want me.”
He rocked back and forward on Mark’s lap.
“It’s a big deal,” Mark said, closing his eyes as he started to peel off Jon’s shirt. “Fuck.”
“Do you want to fuck me?” Jon said, inching closer to Mark’s face as he spoke. Now that he was completely shirtless, his skin was all that Mark could focus on. He kissed Jon’s neck and chest, swirling his tongue around his nipples until Jon was thrusting his hips up and down even though neither one of them had even bothered to take their shorts off.
“I want to fuck you so much,” Mark replied. He was only vaguely aware of the fact that this had started off as an important conversation that he wanted to have with Jon’s body on top of him. “I’ve been fantasizing about you all week.”
Jon smiled. “Tell me about that. Instead of—”
“Wait, what do you want me to tell you?”
“Sometimes,” Jon said, moving his hips as he straddled him. “I forget how shy you actually are. Because you’re shy, aren’t you? You only take the lead because you want me to relax. I am relaxed, though. If you don’t want to tell me, then I’ll tell you.”
He slowed down then, just sitting on top of Mark. He straightened up and looked right into Mark’s eyes before he talked.
“There was this one night when we had finished up the show and the crew was picking up —”
Mark watched him. He wasn’t sure if he should interrupt him. He wasn’t sure of exactly what to do. This new version of Jon, or rather, this version of Jon that he hadn’t had access to before was magnificent.
There was no other word to describe him.
He was there and he was present. And he knew what he wanted. He wanted Mark.
“You stil
l with me?”
“Yes,” Mark said, vaguely aware that his eyes were probably glassy with desire.
“Good,” Jon said. “So there was this one night where we had just gotten out of this show, and I video called you before going to sleep. You answered and you weren’t wearing a shirt, do you remember that?”
“Oh, yeah,” Mark replied. Jon shifted his weight and Mark had to bite down on his bottom lip hard to stop himself from coming then and there. “Yeah, I remember that. That was the day that the crew was here.”
“You told me they were bringing in boxes,” Jon said. “You showed me them through the door. It was unseasonably hot, you said, so you weren’t wearing a shirt. And you had to put your phone, like, down a few times as you were walking around so all I could see was your torso.”
“Yeah, I remember that.”
“God, you were so hot,” Jon said. “You were around people so I couldn’t tell you this and I was so tired. I just wanted to go to sleep. But I couldn’t stop myself, you know.”
“You couldn’t — you couldn’t stop yourself from what?”
“From touching myself,” Jon said. “My hands were suddenly down my pants and God, I just wanted to ask you to take the rest of your clothes off. And then we hung up because, you know, I didn’t want it to be weird. I didn’t like, start, because I didn’t want to do something like that without you knowing, but fuck. How are you so sexy?”
“So did you?”
“Masturbate thinking about you? No,” Jon replied. He thrust his hips forward and moaned, which made Mark grunt. “I really wanted to, but I wanted to make sure that you were okay with it.”
“I’m — I’m more than okay with it,” Mark replied. “I was thinking about you, too.”
“Oh, yeah? What were you thinking about?”
“I was — I was thinking about what I was going to do to you on your new bed,” Mark said. “You bought a bed with, y’know, posts. I can think of so many things to do with them.”
Jon laughed, gyrating his hips on top of Mark’s rock-hard cock. He didn’t think he could get more turned on, but every time that Jon moved or did anything, it somehow seemed to happen.
“What about now?”
“What — what about now?”
“What do you have in mind for right now?”
“Nothing — uh, nothing in mind. You are so fucking hot,” Mark replied. He knew that he didn’t sound particularly coherent and he didn’t care.
With that, John moved back a bit and dropped to his knees. He stripped Mark of his shorts by pulling down on them until his throbbing cock was free. Mark noticed that he licked his lips, which was almost enough to send him over the edge, before he wrapped his long fingers around Mark’s cock and started to work it.
He moved his hand up and down, his grip tight around Mark. “I’m going to —”
Jon smiled as he brought Mark to the edge, moving his face closer as Mark came and opening his mouth so that he would be able to taste him.
Mark’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and his body shuddered as he finally got the release that he had been yearning for, Jon kneeling at his feet.
Chapter Twenty-One
Jon had definitely wanted to make Mark cum since the moment he had stepped foot through the door. Actually, he had wanted to make him cum since he had met him, probably. It wasn’t his fault that the only opportunity that had presented itself since he had first arrived from abroad had been when Mark wanted to have a conversation.
He had tried to sound convincing when he was speaking to Mark. He didn’t want Mark to worry, because he did feel like he had a connection with him. It wasn’t just a connection; it was beyond that. But he understood why Mark was afraid. He didn’t want to admit it, but he also felt a little hesitant.
The issue was that he didn’t want Mark to think he felt hesitant because of him. As he lay there, cuddling Mark and listening to his breathing, under his new quilt in his new bed and newly decorated bedroom, he closed his eyes to take it all in. It must have been so strange to Mark, he thought. Jon himself would seem so strange to Mark. Yet he hadn’t even questioned even his most quirky and annoying idiosyncrasies. But he knew from experience that this would not be the case for long, and soon the eye-rolling wouldn’t have that much fondness in it.
If Mark didn’t think he was serious, Jon realized with a little bit of horror and a huge dollop of dread, then his words wouldn’t convince him. As much as he wanted them to, his mouth, his cock and his ass would also not convince him of anything except perhaps the fact that Jon was raring to go just at his touch.
He shook Mark slightly, hoping that his feeble attempt at waking him wouldn’t do anything. Mark’s head moved a little before he stirred.
“Hmm,” Mark said. “Are you doing okay, babe?”
Jon sighed and kissed the back of Mark’s neck. “I’m good. I just — you’re never going to stop worrying about this, are you?”
It was Mark’s turn to sigh then. He rolled over and set his gaze on Jon’s face, which was hidden by the shadows. “This is hard, Jon,” Mark said. “It’s hard. It’s not just having sex when things get easy, it’s knowing that the way people see you will change forever hard. What about the way you see yourself? What about your own identity? I mean, I know that you’re really private, but I don’t want to be your dirty little secret. I worked really hard to be who I am, you know, in public.”
“You have a lot of feelings about this,” Jon said. He only realized how patronizing he sounded once the words had come out of his mouth.
“Well, to be honest,” Mark replied, anger obvious in his voice. “I have a lot of feelings about you. And I don’t want to put all my eggs in one love-struck basket.”
Jon laughed. “Is that what you’re calling me now?”
Mark rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’m serious.”
“I know. I didn’t mean it like that,” Jon said, closing his eyes and feeling embarrassed. The last thing he wanted to do was to annoy Mark even more. “I woke you up because I had something to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“I think what I’ve gathered is that you won’t feel like I’m committed until we’re public,” Jon said. “So let’s do it. Let’s go public.”
“Your face isn’t even public,” Mark said.
“Yeah, but I have a social media following,” Jon replied. “That’s how people knew my mom died. I told them.”
“So you want — you want people to know that Jackie Mack is going out with me, but you don’t want people to know that you are going out with me?”
“No,” Jon said, slightly annoyed that Mark didn’t seem to get what he was saying. “We are the same person, you know. Jackie Mack and me. He doesn’t just materialize out of nowhere when I get up on stage and have to perform. So what do you say?”
Mark hesitated for a moment before he sighed. Jon could tell that he wasn’t as happy as Jon thought he would be, which upset him slightly. He had woken him specifically to tell him that he wanted them to go public and his reaction was underwhelmed. Even vexed. “Fine, yeah,” Mark said. “I’m going back to sleep.”
He rolled over without so much as kissing Jon. It was confusing. Jon knew that this was what he wanted, so he didn’t understand why he would react like this.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Mark was trying his best to help Jon unpack while he kept his snarky comments to himself. It made sense that Jon would have a cook. He was obviously useless in the kitchen. But the fact that he wasn’t even able to figure out how to put his belongings back into his drawers without a helping hand made it a little harder to take his declarations of mature love seriously. It was hard for Mark to remember that Jon was actually a year older than him. Then again, Mark had never had servants — that was all Jon.
“Here,” Jon said, “hand me that mask.”
Mark grabbed the mask from inside the suitcase and handed it to him. It looked similar to the one that he had worn when he
had first answered the door. Mark could tell that it was a lot fancier, though. Probably custom made especially for Jon. He handed it to Jon and watched him as he put it over his face.
“Come here,” Jon said.
Frowning, Mark walked over to where Jon was standing. He watched Jon take his phone out of his pocket and extend his arm in front of them.
“What are you doing?” Mark asked. He had some idea of what Jon was doing, but he was too scared to ask. He also didn’t know if this was enough. If it counted. He understood that Jon was an intensely private person. That was one of the things that had endeared him to Mark so quickly, the fact that he seemed to love his work but seemed to really dislike fame. Because what he was passionate about wasn’t his fans, though Jon obviously loved and appreciated them. What he was passionate about was his art.
And that had to count for something.
Mark had never dated an artist before. Maybe, he thought, this was just the way that they did things.
“I’m proving something to you,” Jon replied. “I’m proving that I’m serious.”
“But this isn’t—”
“It’s not me,” Jon replied, shaking his head. “I get it. But it’s a start.”
Mark sighed. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yes,” he said. “Take the selfie.”
Jon smiled and pressed his finger against the button on the screen. He brought the phone close to his face and wrote something quickly.
“Here you go,” Jon said, flashing the phone in front of Mark.
Mark read the words, a huge smile spreading on his face.
“Hey guys. This is my new boyfriend. Isn’t he adorable?”
Mark shook his head and laughed. “You know, you don’t have to do this.”
“Too late,” Jon said, pressing another button on the screen. “Already done.”
“Okay,” Mark said, smiling at him. “Thank you for that.”
“Look,” Jon said, putting his phone down on the chair next to him and moving the mask away from his face. “I know that this is hard for you. All I’m asking is that you give me a little time to prove myself to you, okay?”
