by Beth Rinyu
I tried on my dress as the seamstress poked and prodded at me, sticking pins where it needed to be taken in. I honestly wasn’t even paying attention when she asked me questions. I just kept my fingers crossed that it would fit me on the day of the wedding. I tried my best at feigning excitement at the sight of Donna in her dress. I was hoping that I was able to pass it off as genuine. I patiently waited for her to finish up and was relieved when we finally were making our way out the door.
Donna hugged me good-bye and I quickly got in my car. The tears I had been holding in all night long began to flow down my face when I pulled my phone from my purse to find no messages from Dailan.
I arrived home, trying my best to keep my mind occupied. I felt so alone. I wished now more than ever that my relationship were different with my mom and my sister. I got on my laptop and began to type out an e-mail to my brother. I wasn’t sure when he would receive it, but it made me feel better just to type the words and confide in someone else besides Donna.
Hey, Justin,
Wishing you were here more than ever. I feel so alone. I totally distanced myself from Mom, Dad, and Renee. You’re all I got left, Pooh. I could really use your shoulder to cry on right now. I finally know what it feels like to have a broken heart and it really stinks! So for now, I will send you a virtual hug until I see you again and could give you a real one. Love and miss you so much!! Nicole xoxo
I picked up my phone and dialed Dailan’s number. My hands were shaking as it began to ring. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach when he didn’t answer. Just hearing his voice on his voicemail made my heart sink.
Dailan, it’s Nicole. Please don’t do this; I need to talk to you. I swear to you that I didn’t have coffee with him. I didn’t talk about you at all to him. Please, Dailan, just call me, I miss you.
I realized that I was sounding pretty pathetic, but I didn’t care. I just needed to understand why he was so angry with me over something that I didn’t even do. I headed off to bed, tucking my phone in beside me, hoping for a call that never came.
Chapter 41
Four days into spring break and six days without hearing from Dailan, and I was going stir crazy. I had left several messages for him without a response. I felt like a crazed stalker as I pulled into his work parking lot. I didn’t care though; I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t go to his house because I didn’t want Ryan to know anything that was going on. I saw his car in the parking lot so I knew he was there. My legs were shaking as I got out of the car. I took a deep breath before entering the elevator. I began to second-guess myself as the elevator door opened, letting me off on the third floor. You can do this, you can do this, I repeated over and over to myself as I made the long walk down the hallway. I walked into the lobby and I was greeted by a familiar-looking woman. I quickly recognized her as one of the women Dailan was dancing with at the Christmas party.
“Nicole, right?” she said with a smile, sounding very upbeat.
I bit my lip and nodded, too nervous to smile.
“You’re here to see Dailan?”
“Yes,” I was able to get out in a loud whisper.
“Okay, I’ll take you down to his office.”
She got up and led me down a long corridor. I looked straight ahead and tried to ignore the churning in my stomach. I wanted to turn around and run out, but it was too late. She stopped and knocked lightly on the door of what I presumed to be Dailan’s office. Dailan lifted his head from his computer screen, looking unpleasantly surprised to see me standing there. I felt the burning in my eyes, seeing him for the first time in almost a week and coming to the realization of just how much I missed him.
“Shut my door, Debbie,” he said as she exited the room, leaving just him and me.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I need to talk to you and you won’t return my phone calls.”
“Well, I'm really busy,” he said, turning his attention back to his work.
“What is wrong with you, Dailan? Why are you acting this way?”
“Acting what way? This is who I am, Nicole, who I always was. Not that guy that you tried to turn me into. I never let my guard down with any girl before and now I know why. So if you don't mind, I have work to do.”
“I just want to talk to you, I miss you, Dailan,” I said with desperation in my voice.
He looked back up with coldness in his eyes and a sarcastic smile. What do you miss, Nicole, the sex? Because we can do it right here, right now, if you'd like.”
"No, I miss you. I miss talking to you every day, hearing your voice." I was on the brink of tears.
"Well, Nicole, I'm sorry, but I can't offer you anything else. I don't need another friend. I can show you where Rick’s office is; maybe he’d be willing to listen to what you have to say, especially if it’s about me.”
I shook my head in disbelief at him. Why was he tormenting me for something I didn’t even do? “Dailan, I swear to you I ran into him that day, that was it, you have to believe me.”
“I don’t have to believe anything because I really don’t care. It’s over and done with. But I guess this is my fault too, for confusing a good fuck with something else.”
His words sliced through me like a jagged knife. I bit my lip and tried my hardest to hold back the tears, but I couldn't. They gushed from eyes and ran down my face like a waterfall. This had been the first time in years that I had ever let someone see me cry. I couldn't believe the pain in my heart or the coldness in his eyes. It was as if I wasn't even looking at the same man I had grown to care about so much.
"Why are you crying, Nicole? That's what you wanted. Just sex, no emotions involved. You should be happy. Remember, this shouldn’t have even happened in the first place. Those were your words, right?” He was expressionless, unaffected in any way by my tears.
I felt myself trembling and I was quite sure that he noticed it as well. I didn't know what else to say. I stared into his cold eyes one last time before he looked away. I took what little pride I had left and walked out the door, wiping the tears that were rolling down my face along the way. I made my way into the lobby with my head held down. I looked up just in time to see Jenna, the redheaded girl that Dailan had introduced me to on the night of my birthday. If I had any doubt as to why she was there, it was quickly erased as I heard the receptionist on the phone. "Mr. O'Maley, there’s a Jenna Crawford here to see you.” I looked at the girl and immediately put my head back down so she wouldn't see the tears that were beginning to fall once again.
I briskly walked down the hallway, relentlessly slamming the elevator button so the elevator would hurry up. My stomach was burning and I was thankful that I didn’t eat breakfast because I was quite certain that it would be coming up right about now. I decided to take the steps. The last thing I wanted was to get stuck in the elevator with Dailan and his friend. I ran down the steps two at time, not able to get out of the building quickly enough.
I was breaking out into a cold sweat when I finally made it to my car. I was fumbling through my purse for my keys when I heard someone calling my name. I quickly turned around to see Rick Kincaide approaching me.
Oh, God not now, I said to myself as I wiped the tears from my eyes, knowing that I probably looked like a mess with mascara all over my face.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, clearly being able to see that I had been crying.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, rubbing my eyes once more.
"Well, I know it's none of my business, but if you're crying for the reason I think, then you’re probably better off," he said, almost sounding sincere. I didn't respond as I opened up my car door. "Listen, I know now isn't a good time but, I'd really like to take you out for a drink sometime."
I thought about the coldness in Dailan’s eyes and the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that he was probably going out to lunch with some girl that he had a history of having casual sex with. It was all too much for me to take. I wanted Dailan to feel the pain that I was g
oing through right now. To feel like his heart was being ripped from his chest and torn into a million pieces. I knew that the only person who could help make sure that he felt that pain was standing right in front of me.
“Sure, when did you want to go?” I responded.
Chapter 42
By the time Friday rolled around, I was beginning to second-guess my decision about meeting Rick Kincaide for a drink. I knew that this would be the final nail in the coffin once Dailan found out about it, not that I had any hope that we would be getting back together anyway after the way he responded to me the other day at his office. I felt a heaviness in my chest every time I thought back to that day. I began to realize that maybe both those times that he told me that he loved me weren’t genuine. I couldn’t see how you could treat someone that you supposedly loved the way that he did. I decided that I wouldn’t speak of Dailan at all to Rick tonight, even though I was curious to know exactly what had happened between the two of them to cause Dailan to have so much animosity toward him.
I sat in my car, giving myself one last look in the mirror before entering The Terrace, a very upscale restaurant, located right around the corner from my school. I was beginning to look more like myself again. The puffiness under my eyes had finally gone down and the churning in my stomach had subsided, but the pain in my heart was still as strong. I was so thankful to have had off this past week. It gave me time to regroup my thoughts and pull it together somewhat. I took a deep breath and got out of my car, making my way into the restaurant. I was immediately greeted by the hostess. I informed her that I was meeting someone as I quickly scouted the bar area and saw Rick Kincaide, sitting off by himself. I made my way over, feeling a little ashamed of myself for agreeing to this.
He smiled widely upon seeing me and I made my best effort to form a smile back that seemed somewhat genuine. “Nicole, how are you?”
“I’m good, thanks,” I said, taking the empty seat next to him.
He ordered me a glass of wine and wasted no time jumping into conversation. I tried my best to listen to what he had to say, but my mind was a million miles away. What was I doing here? Did I really want to get Dailan back that bad that I stooped to this new low? My ears perked up at the sound of Dailan’s name. I stopped him right away, reminding myself that topic was off limits.
“I’m sorry, but I really would prefer to not talk about Dailan,” I said.
He looked at me with a wry smile, one that made me feel very uncomfortable, the same way I always had felt when I was in his presence. “I’m sorry, I completely understand,” he said.
I looked down when I felt his hand on my thigh and quickly stood up. “I’m sorry, but this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come here tonight.” I threw a ten-dollar bill down on the bar, not even wanting to accept a drink from him. I walked out to my car at a faster pace than normal. I got into my car and headed home. As much as I wanted to hurt Dailan, I just couldn’t subject myself to sitting there with Rick. I didn’t know what reasons Dailan had for hating him, but I had formed my own low opinion of Rick Kincaide on my own.
* * *
I was actually happy when Monday arrived. Work would be a welcoming distraction from the loneliness and heartache I had been feeling all week. Even the thought of dealing with Cameron Aymes and his mother was better than one more thought of Dailan. Although seeing Ryan would bring back all those thoughts that I was so desperately trying to erase. As the kids piled in, I did my best to put on a happy face, welcoming them back. I knew that today would be a little bit of an adjustment for all of them to settle back into a normal routine after having the week off, so I didn’t plan on jumping into anything too intense with them.
My heart fluttered as I saw Ryan walk through the door. He gave a huge smile that made my heart sink. I was on the brink of tears when I realized that I was not only missing Dailan, but I had missed Ryan as well. I gave him a smile back, trying to make everything seem as normal as possible for him.
I had made it to lunch without any major complications, stopping a few times during our spelling lesson to redirect Cameron. I ate my lunch at my desk while the kids went down to the cafeteria. I finished up and went outside for the dreaded task of recess duty. It was a beautiful spring day. I sat on the bench, taking in the warm sunshine while the kids began to pile out and run off all of their excess energy from the morning. I monitored my area closely, making sure that there weren’t any problems and I was happy to see that everyone was pretty much getting along nicely.
“Hi.” I heard a little voice coming up from behind as Ryan came and took a seat next to me on the bench.
“Hey, Ryan, what’s up?” I asked, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.
“Nothing,” he said as he swung his legs, which were hanging off the bench, back and forth.
“How was your spring break?” I asked, biting my lip and hoping he wouldn’t mention Dailan’s name.
“It was fun; me and my uncle went to the aquarium one day and to the zoo on another day. I wish you could have come with us, but he said you were busy.”
I bit my lip and nodded, fighting off that all-too-familiar burning in my eyes.
“Well, the next time you got to come, for sure. The monkeys are so funny!”
“Yeah, monkeys are lots of fun to watch,” I said, trying to mask my sadness.
I was so happy when Matty, another little boy from my class, came over to ask Ryan if he wanted to join in on a game of soccer. I didn’t know how much longer I would have been able to sit there and listen to him without becoming emotional.
I stood up and watched the boys running around and playing soccer. Ryan had come so far from the mischievous little boy that he was in the beginning of the school year. He was so much more grounded and becoming quite sociable with all of his classmates.
The official first day back to school was over. The humming of the overhead clock was the only sound that could be heard in my classroom. I was just finishing up my lesson plans for the week. I looked down at my phone to find a text from Donna:
Friday night, don’t make plans – girls’ night out!
The last thing I felt like doing was going out. I still didn’t feel like facing the world just yet. I was quite content with just going home every night, getting in pajamas and vegging out in front of the TV. I didn’t want to put up a happy front for anyone; I was content with being miserable alone.
You’re going; no excuses! Another text came through as if Donna was reading my thoughts. I shook my head, forcing a smile. I packed my stuff up and called it a day, hoping that I would feel a little more social by Friday.
* * *
The week progressed along without any major hurdles. I had a knot in my stomach, wondering if Dailan or Lisa would be picking up Ryan from his after-school tutoring. I was pretty sure that it would be Lisa, but I couldn’t help but think that maybe he might show up.
Ryan had finished up all of his work and was helping with one of the bulletin boards. I was keeping his mind distracted as much as I could from mentioning Dailan – almost.
“Miss Morgan, don’t you like my uncle anymore?” he asked sadly.
I didn’t know how to answer. I was totally blindsided. I put the stapler down and tried to gather my thoughts. “Ryan, sometimes adults fight and get mad over things and they need to distance themselves from each other,” I said.
“What did he do?” he asked.
“He didn’t do anything.”
“Then why are you mad at him?”
“I’m not mad at him.” I was trying my best to answer the question diplomatically.
“Is he mad at you?”
“I don’t know, Ryan. But just remember no matter what happens, you will always be very special to me.”
I watched as the tears poured from his eyes as I tried to hold mine back. “I hate my uncle!” he shouted.
“No, Ryan, don’t say that. It’s not your uncle’s fault. It’s no one’s fault.” My heart was aching for him as I fi
nally came face to face with the effects of my and Dailan’s failed relationship. I hugged him tightly, trying to comfort him as best as I could. I felt horrible, knowing that I had played a part in breaking this child’s heart once again.
I grabbed a tissue from my desk and began to wipe his eyes while he tried to catch his breath. “We’re still going to see each other in school every day. I’m still going to be your teacher.” I was trying my best to cheer him up, to no avail.
“But I wanted you to be my aunt.” He continued to cry even harder. I hugged him again so he wouldn’t be able to see the tears that were now flowing down my face as well. At that particular moment, I hated Dailan for leaving me to deal with the aftermath of this mess.
I was so happy when I saw Lisa walk through the door. I wiped the tears from my eyes as best as I could, while Ryan’s still flowed down his face. She looked at me sympathetically as if she knew exactly why Ryan and I were both so upset. Ryan was silent as he gathered his belongings.
“Are you okay?” Lisa whispered to me.
“Yeah,” I said, wiping my eyes. Ever since Dailan had broken the seal, I was no longer afraid to cry in front of anyone.
“Ryan, why don’t you go in the bathroom and wash your face,” Lisa said.
Ryan walked out with his head hanging low.
“I know it’s not my business, but I’m sorry that you had to be the one left dealing with that. Ryan told me that you haven’t been coming around lately, so I just figured you guys broke up. Dailan could have at least explained to him what was going on, instead leaving it up to you.” Lisa said.
“It’s okay. I just feel awful that Ryan is so upset.”
“Well, that’s Dailan for you. If he knew how to communicate, even a little, then maybe this could have been avoided and -” She quickly stopped herself as Ryan re-entered the room.
“You got everything, Ryan?” Lisa asked.
He nodded, looking down at the ground as he walked out of the room. I was coming to learn that falling in love was the easy part. It was falling out of love that was hard – especially when you were trying to fall out of it with more than one person.
