Right on cue, Noah says something that catches me off guard. "Neither of us even wanted children." He laughs, smiling at me, however. "I never wanted them, she never wanted them, but she got pregnant anyway. I always had this suspicion she wanted to trap me. But how do you accuse the woman you loved of doing that? Even if you realize she's not the one?"
This makes me want to ask, am I the one?
I'm not ready for that answer.
Especially if the answer is no.
Noah survey's me for a moment, and I'm curious if we are contemplating the same question.
How do you even understand the concept of a soul mate?
"I will be gone for a while." He breaks the silence finally. "Tinsley my ticket to Dubai this time, it's a one-way ticket. I could be gone at least five months."
I swallow hard and close my eyes. "Why didn't you tell me this before."
"Did you want me to ruin what we have?" His explanation isn't enough.
"Will you come back?"
"Eventually." He admits. "I have to build up…"
"Contacts. I noticed. You've explained that. You can do that here too."
"No." His firm voice shocks me. "Here, I need them to come to me begging to be a part of this. This business is something bigger than us; I need you to understand that."
"Of course." Lying isn't part of our deal.
I don't understand.
"How long will you be gone?"
“Long.”
"How long?"
"It could be months; it could be years."
"Just…" I get what he is saying; we should probably end things.
Probably take a break before things get too heated. "Are you ending this?"
He presses his lips together. "I want to squeeze every last second out of our time together. If that's what you want. But I am leaving at the end of December."
His expression shows nothing but pain, "If you want to end things I would understand."
"No!" I cry, "Noah, no!" realizing that there is an end to this, that there will be no waiting breaks my heart. "I can't…"
"Tinsley…" He puts the paper down, pulling me roughly into his arms. "We can still be friends. I'll still be here for you. Even when I'm gone. You can always call me."
"That's not the same." My sob filled words make little sense.
"I know." He whispers in my ear. "But this has to happen, I'm sorry, but it does. Focus on you, even for a little while." He takes my face in his hands.
I want to say that he doesn’t love me enough, but I know that’s not the truth.
He has to do this.
He does not want me to wait for him.
“I would wait years for you if I could.” I tell him sadly, placing a hand on his cheek.
“I know.” Noah responds.
I kiss him one last time before I leave.
It is a long, lingering kiss that makes me want more.
More that I can’t have.
13
Noah
December 8, 2009
My intention of calling Tinsley wavered when I noticed a picture of her and Connor splashed all over some gossip column.
Part of me knows she's just trying to please her parents, but I let it go. I let her go. I don't call because if she's back in my arms, I will never let her go.
It's hard to explain that part of this business, is just to ensure that she will be safe in my arms will only tie her to me.
I want her to be free to live her life.
She will come back to me; I am sure of that.
But I cannot stand in her way in the meantime, which is what I would be doing.
So I plan to leave early, as early as I can before she calls, or I call her.
I've resisted the temptation for so long it's only a matter of time before I pick up the phone and beg her to forgive me and come away with me. My only dream is for her to give up everything and be with me. I am not that man. However, I would never ask her to do such a thing.
Everything is ready, and I understand leaving is the best for both of us.
Evan will come with me in the summers, leaving Athena free to do whatever she wishes as she has offered to stay with him during the school year, keep him on the straight and narrow with Magda.
I need to cultivate my contacts there first, use my father's name to build up the business in England before going back to Dubai. Six months in England, another six months in Dubai.
I'll discover where the world takes me. Alone.
Double checking my passport and travel documents, I don't hear the door until Magda taps me on the shoulder.
"Noah, Ms. Whittaker is here for you."
“Tinsley?”
“Yes.” Magda nods.
"Oh."
Trouble.
My bags are in the front hallway, and as Tinsley walks in I can already notice that her eyes are red-rimmed and she has been sobbing, she's holding a large envelope in her hands and I wonder if this is about school.
Maybe she came to tell me the good news?
However, my resolve not to beg her to travel the world with me has faded.
I need this woman in my life.
"Noah." Her voice cracks on the first word.
"Magda, can you go to Athena and make sure she needs nothing?" I want my privacy with Tinsley.
"Yes, Noah. Athena also asked that you transfer what she requested."
"I did it yesterday; she knows that."
"Okay, Noah." Magda waves, closing the door behind her as Tinsley sits on the couch, before erupting into sobs again.
"What's wrong?" I sit beside her, taking her hands. "Did you not get into Colombia?"
Tinsley shakes her head.
"That's wonderful news then, that was your dream?"
"It was." She's shaking. "It was my dream for so long, I didn't think it would happen, and now it has I don't understand what to do."
"Well, you accept the offer."
"But…"
I've never seen this woman such a mess, and it takes another five minutes to coax the words out of her.
"I might be pregnant."
For the first time in my thirty-six years, I fall silent, looking down at her stomach, where her hand is resting on it.
"Did you take a test?"
"No." She pulls one out of her purse. "I was too afraid. Should I have come to you?
"Always." I would not have her go to anyone else with this.
This changes everything.
We don't need a reason to be together, but this… this could make us. This could change the world for us; we won't need months apart. I can take her with me until she can't travel. She can have the baby wherever she wants. We'll get married in Fiji.
My mind is racing too hard for me to process anything.
"Noah say something," Tinsley begs.
"Well… let's talk about this for a moment."
She swallows hard. "I expect nothing."
"Stop, right there." I cut her off. "You don't think, that I wouldn't? Of course, we would raise it together." shocked at her words, I'm stunned.
"I would never leave you alone in this. Never think I don't want you. I want you. Don't think I need a reason to be with you."
"Why didn't you call?" she asks tearfully.
"Did you?"
"No." She swallows hard. "But… you're leaving."
"We're in this together." My firm voice is comforting, but a fresh wave of tears slides down her cheeks.
She is frightened, and I wish I could say more, but anything else will destroy her if that test is negative.
I wipe a tear away with my thumb.
"Take the test, okay? We'll figure it out."
The irrational part of my brain wants her to be pregnant. I know nothing about this situation is ideal, but as we both sit on the edge of the whirlpool tub in my master bathroom, waiting for the timer on her phone, I think about the possibilities.
If she were pregnant, I wouldn't hesitate.
I wo
uld plan to take her to the island I bought for us as soon as the house is completed.
That's where I would ask her to marry me. I don't care if this only started in September.
She's the woman I would marry.
When I married Olivia, I knew it was a mistake.
Nothing with Tinsley has ever been a mistake.
Not one shred of me feels guilt over anything.
"Are you mad?" she turns to me.
"Why would I be mad?"
"This fucks everything up," She swears. "Your plans, your business."
"We can do everything together. This changes nothing." I take her hand in mine; I realize that I can't say anything I want to unless we know for sure.
I can't tell her she is the love of my life, and all I'm doing for her would be a colossal mistake because then I could never let her go, to leave her, allow her to be.
I need to let her be if we don't have a child.
So I kneel down in front of her, I need to tell her something. "I love you, that doesn't change, positive or negative. Everything will work out; I promise you that. No matter what happens, we will always have each other, and you have to understand that."
Tinsley nods. "I'll always love you. No matter what."
We both see if she's not pregnant, this is the end for now.
But that's no reason for us to have a child together.
I realize what that test will read, as the timer goes off because, against all odds, this isn't our time to be together.
When she tears up at the negative result, I appreciate what we're both upset at. We're both upset we're really about to say goodbye to each other, and there are no certainties on when we will see each other again.
"I can't say goodbye." She’s practically begging me to stay, without saying the words.
Never in my life have I cried in front of a woman. Not even at my mother's funeral, but here I am feeling as sad as ever as she puts the negative pregnancy test down.
"This isn't goodbye. It’s au revior,” I explain solemnly.
"When?" She pleads with me.
"Someday." unwilling to say any more, god forbid we both end up sobbing into each other's arms.
Neither of us can handle the image of each other with anyone else, but I need to do this for both of us.
She needs the man I'm becoming, not the man I am now.
If I can build something for generations after me, that my children, and hopefully our children can hold onto long after we're gone, this will all have been worth it.
"One more time?" Tinsley asks.
"It won't do us any good,” I shake my head.
"I know,” Tinsley nods, standing. "Stay here, while I leave, because if you follow me," her lips shake as she tries to keep herself together. "I won't be able to walk out the door."
It's too much emotion not to force my lips against hers she embraces me back, kissing me like the world is on fire.
We drown in each other for a few final moments.
Then I'm left standing in my bathroom.
Alone.
Part II
14
Tinsley
September 12, 2015
“Connor,” I say, wedging my phone under my chin.
I am shopping with Hazel and CeCe, and trying to decide between two equally expensive pairs of sandals for our girls’ trip to Miami.
“I already told you, I am going on this trip alone, and you’re not coming. Hazel and CeCe are taking me. Besides, we’re not even together,” I remind him.
I point out the blatantly obvious fact, that despite our almost six-year relationship, none of it is real.
It never has been to me.
Connor and I are friendly, at best.
At worst, we argue, and I find him terribly dull.
“It looks bad,” he growls into the phone, from his office in midtown.
“You’re a miserable lawyer,” I taunt.
I picture Connor in his office, pinching his nose like he always does.
His hairline has receded, and now that he’s thirty, he’s even grouchier than he was before.
“They’re expecting an engagement, you know,” Connor informs me, as if I were a child.
I give an exasperated sigh, the most recent in a long line of thousands.
I pinch my own nose.
“You know, ‘darling’, I really don’t give a fuck. I don’t care. We both know I could just as easily end this charade as go through with it,” I say.
Asshole, I add mentally.
Connor is just spouting off words again, without a sense of remorse, but I really don’t give one shit for him.
He can be hurt all he wants.
Any sense of remorse I had disappeared the day Noah Stone walked out of my life.
I've lacked compassion, too.
Ripping one’s heart out does that to a person.
Noah hasn’t been back in the city ever since the day we said goodbye.
Not to say that we haven’t seen each other outside of the city.
There have been a few weekends in Venice here and there.
“I have a job; I have a life, and I need nothing from you,” I tell him firmly, looking at the sandals again.
One pair is white, with a higher heel and plenty of sparkles, and way more expensive.
“Those,” I tell the sales girl.
“And in the black as well please,” I add, knowing it will piss Connor off.
“Your job is for a rival energy company! As a consultant!” he fumes.
“Dammit, Tinsley, I will not pay for those shoes!” Connor snarls into the phone angrily.
“Bye, love,” I say as I hang up on him, like I always do.
Fucker.
Connor never calls back anymore.
I wait for the call back, but slip the phone into my purse after only a few seconds.
He used to call within a few minutes, but leaving message after message on my phone only prompted me to refuse to take his calls at all.
He learned the lesson.
He should have just put down the phone.
Hazel, CeCe and I are going down to Miami celebrate my birthday, and my fabulous promotion.
No one walks all over Tinsley Whittaker anymore!
My salary might not be much, but I’m still in control of my trust fund, and my parents are off my back, finally.
As long as I remain ‘in a relationship’ with Connor, they don’t have anything to bitch about.
My parents and I are getting along for the first time since I was nineteen.
But the Bradford-Whittaker Energy partnership is looming over my head.
If we don't get engaged, it won't happen.
If Connor and I break up, I have convinced myself it won’t be from my lack of trying.
Not that I try.
The merger has nothing to do with us, or at least that's what I tell myself.
But, in I know that it has everything to do with us.
I sigh.
I slide Connor’s credit card forward, paying for my six pairs of shoes, and ask them to deliver everything to my parent's address before waltzing out of the store in the white pair.
They’re too gorgeous to leave behind, and they go perfectly with the white bandage dress that hugs every single curve of my five-seven frame.
The woman whose reflection I see in the windows, as I stroll down fifth, is different.
At twenty-five, I am secure, confident, and I will not be steamrolled.
I see a bright young woman, with pink-painted lips and a dark tan looking back at me.
The tan is from a recent trip to Italy, (another outing courtesy of Hazel and CeCe).
I answer my phone when it rings again, certain it’s not dumbass.
“Hello, Tinsley,” Athena’s voice, which is usually charming, sounds annoyed.
“Evan again?” I cut to the chase.
I walk briskly down the avenue, listening to Athena go on about Evan, cognizant of the fact that I nee
d to finish packing for our trip.
As soon as I finish, Hazel is sending a limo.
Then, we catch the red eye the hell out of Manhattan.
“Can you talk to him? He listens to you,” begs Athena.
Evan.
He’s trouble.
More trouble than his father.
He’s been kicked out every private school in the Manhattan area; he got kicked out of two public schools, and then Athena sent him to an all-boys private school.
Of course, that’s where he was busted for, get this, selling the SAT answers to students!
Evan made approximately twenty-thousand dollars from his little scheme, which the Administrators forced him to pay back.
Knowing Noah, he probably congratulated him for his ingenious business sense!
Noah.
The toast of New York City at the moment; the Manhattan legend.
NLS Financials is the only thing anyone has been talking about in the finance game for the last few years.
My father is a little upset, since Noah will have nothing to do with him, and of course now my father wants in.
Of course.
People will beg, steal, and threaten to get their way into Noah’s Executive’s Circle, as they call it.
He’s got clients all over the globe, all of them banging down his door.
I’ve gone by the Penthouse dozens of times since he left, but it doesn’t feel the same without him here.
Athena and I have become close, in spite of her initial misgivings about Noah and I.
I have a way with Evan, you see, so I am valuable to her.
Still, I’ve made a point of avoiding the man that made me so weak I thought I couldn’t handle the loss of him.
And, I’m no longer a child.
I see that what we had wasn’t made to last.
No man will ever break me like that again.
I don’t knock when I get to Noah’s floor; I enter to find Athena smoking, of all things.
She picked it up when Evan turned seventeen.
Now that he’s twenty, she’s still taking part in the nasty habit.
Evan is currently on leave from the military.
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