“After the reading, she kept her head down and said in this real quiet voice, ‘Hank’s drinking every night and I don’t know what to do anymore.’ I don’t think she expected anyone to hear her. Almost like she was talking to herself. The room went quiet, and then everyone swung into action.
“One of the moms took the younger kids into another room to read them a story. The other moms and us older girls sat right up close to Rhonda and listened to her.
“She and Hank had been married nine years and been trying to have a kid. Hank had lost his job three months earlier, for being drunk at work again, and since then he’d just sat at home, drinking all day. Rhonda said that they were now two months behind in their rent, she didn’t have any money for groceries, and she was at the end of her rope. She didn’t know what to do.
“Rhonda sat there with tears flowing like a river. My mom was hugging her tight and most of the other mothers were reaching out to touch her, to let her know she was loved. I made sure she had a box of Kleenex to blow her nose.”
Lucy hit her body with nicotine again and swallowed the last of her coffee. I looked over my shoulder and gave the “another round” signal to Lisa. She nodded from behind the counter and started to work her caffeine magic.
Lucy continued.
“What happened that night was the most profound example of true love I’ve ever seen. Everyone was committed to doing whatever they could to help Rhonda. And Hank too. Even though he was causing the problem, we all knew he needed our help as much as she did.”
Hilda nodded—I believe you.
“In the next ten minutes, plans were made and people assigned to-dos for the following week. Mary said she and Frank would have Rhonda stay at their house. Us older kids would drop by to see Rhonda after school—we each had a rostered day—first at Mary and Frank’s and then later when she moved back home.
“Frank, Tony and one other dad, I don’t remember who, went to Rhonda’s house. I didn’t know at the time what they intended to do, but I recall them being positive, not angry. It turned out they went and stayed with him all night. One of them got rid of all the booze in the house while the others sat and listened to him. Like we had done with Rhonda.
“They got him to an AA meeting the next day and, until we moved to Washington, Hank had been sober five years.” Lucy shrugged. “He may still be. They didn’t come with us, so I haven’t seen him since.”
She butted out her cigarette as Lisa appeared tableside with coffee.
Lucy cradled the fresh brew with both hands and smiled. Nodded. “Tony gave Hank part-time work at the factory, which turned into full-time, and six months later, he and Rhonda were as happy as ever and she was pregnant.”
“It sounds like a close group,” Hilda said. She flashed her eyes at me—Don’t say anything yet. Let her keep going.
I nodded. To both of them. With this level of diplomacy, I’d be ready for politics in no time. Or a monastery.
“It was,” Lucy said. “Even as a teenager I could tell that. I went to school with some kids who had parents like Rhonda and Hank, but without anyone to help, so I knew our group was special.
“I wasn’t the only one. I think everyone felt it, and word began to spread. First, it was friends of friends who came along, in their ones and twos. A couple of years later there were people everywhere. Kids scattered on the floor and laps and beanbags. Parents standing against walls, holding their bibles as they followed along with the readings. It wasn’t long before we needed a larger space, just to fit everyone in.”
I thought it might be safe to contribute. I started slow.
“Don said the church had about a hundred members in the first couple years. This might have been around that time.”
Lucy sipped.
“Yeah, that sounds about right.” She narrowed her eyes. “This is good coffee, you know. Almost as good as Don’s.”
She sipped again and fished another Newport out of a half-full packet.
I like my pipes as much as any smoker, but this girl was well and truly addicted. She got it going, smoky tendrils trailing from her nose.
“We moved from meeting in homes to a run-down community hall, but that didn’t last long. It was dirty and cold and too hard to organize food. Not even a fridge or a coffee-pot. I guess we met there for two or three months but people, the moms mostly, made noises about going back to meeting at home.”
She took a long drag from her cigarette and sat, looking up at the ceiling.
“It was then that Dariell came to group for the first time.”
“I don’t remember who brought him and Ana along,” Lucy said, “but right away, it was obvious that he was different.”
“Different how?” Hilda asked.
Lucy screwed up her face.
“Well … he knew scripture better than anyone else in the group and, before the end of the night, other parents were asking him questions about the readings. I remember he gave long, complicated answers and the more people who listened to him, the more he seemed to like it. He was only a short, plain guy with a squeaky voice but when he talked in front of a few people, his eyes lit up and his voice got deeper and preachy.
“It wasn’t long after that first night he found a better place for us to meet.”
She stubbed out her cigarette and lit another without breaking stride. Hilda joined her this time, compadres in keeping big tobacco’s profit margins buoyant.
“I was only fourteen, so I didn’t know all the details, but I remember hearing him say the parents needed to contribute to use the new place. That was odd, because it was the first time anyone in the group had asked for something in return, instead of giving freely.
“The adults didn’t see it like that, though. And when we met there the next week, no-one complained.”
“Nice digs?” I asked.
“It was perfect.” She blew smoke at the ceiling and smiled. “From the outside, it looked like just another warehouse on the edge of the industrial area, but inside … wow. It was warm, which was great. It also had something for everyone. A kitchenette, with a fridge and ovens for the moms. A reading room for the little kids with plush carpet, beanbags and shelves of bright books. The teenager’s room even had a pinball machine. There were a couple of quiet prayer rooms, and the main meeting hall had enough space for everyone, a piano and even a stereo system.”
“I’ll bet Ana owned the building,” I said. “The contributions were going straight to her and Dariell.”
Lucy nodded. “From what happened later, that makes sense, but then everything’s better in hindsight, right?”
My turn to nod.
Lucy ground out her cigarette and leant forward, elbows on the table. Picked at her nails. “I wish everyone could have seen what was going on.” Hilda reached out and touched her on the arm, like the group did for Rhonda years earlier.
Saying nothing. Saying everything.
“There were subtle changes, and I don’t think anyone saw them for what they were. The main hall had a stage, for one. When we’d met before, whoever did the reading stayed standing, or sitting on the floor where they were, the same as everyone else.” Her eyes narrowed.
“Now, the reader was elevated above the group. Like they were different, special. The children were taken away too, whenever we met. Ana would lead them into the reading room and they would stay there the whole night.
“Money became a bigger focus. Dariell and Ana started providing the food and drinks, again saying that they needed a contribution from the group. It was strange to see everyone accept this but, by this time the adults were already deferring to him.”
I had to admit, I was impressed with the game he’d played. It made me want to hurt him more.
“The adults, the teenagers, everyone, loved what he’d done. More people were coming to the church. He’d given a portion of the contributions to some members of the congregation who were struggling, and this made everyone love him more.”
I drained the last
of my coffee. “When did the group suggest that Dariell become the official leader of the church?”
Lucy looked at me with sad eyes. “You could see it coming couldn’t you?”
A vision slammed me behind the eyes.
Lucy.
As Kimberly.
Dark hood.
Sitting on stage.
Looking over a kneeling crowd.
Bowing in unison.
I blinked.
It was gone, as quickly as it had arrived. Like a reverse Polaroid, it left a fading imprint, and a dull throb.
Blinked again and nodded.
“I figured that’s what he was after,” I said. Hilda kept her hand on Lucy’s arm. “Remember though, I expect people to lie, so I’m not surprised when they do. And, I’m hearing this story from outside; I don’t know if I would have seen it from inside. Dariell is very good at what he does. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
A squeeze from Hilda.
Lucy nodded. “I know, Rafferty. But … thanks. Everyone thought that he was wonderful, and had no idea what was to come. It just seemed natural for him to lead us. I guess it was probably around a year after we’d moved into the new building.”
She put her head in her hands.
I waited.
Here it comes.
She sniffed. Raised her head. I’d never seen such tired eyes.
“Right around the night he raped me.”
Chapter 18
Hilda sucked in a breath and Lucy put her head in her hands.
I had been expecting something like this, but the anger still surged. I sat back and packed a pipe, tamping furiously.
“I don’t know why I let it happen,” Lucy said to the table. “Maybe I wanted it to happen. I don’t know.” She looked up. “You can’t tell Don. Please, Mr Rafferty, he can’t find out. He can’t.”
“That’s between you and Don,” I said. “I want to find Kimberly.”
“That’s Rafferty’s version of compassion,” Hilda said, her voice carrying less venom than the glare she shot at me. “He just can’t do it in a way that a normal human can understand.”
That was harsh. I hadn’t shrugged, for god’s sake. I tried again.
“Don’t misunderstand, Lucy. If finding Kimberly involves hurting this prick in the process, I won’t be sorry.” Now, I shrugged.
Lucy sniffed and rubbed her nose with the back of her hand.
“Neither will I, Mr Rafferty. Don’t you think twice. I think that was where I went wrong. Maybe.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure.”
I opened my mouth, took a breath, and Hilda sent me a look which said I’d contributed my maximum at this juncture. I clenched the pipe between my teeth and kicked my lighter into life instead.
“No matter what happened,” Hilda said, “this wasn’t your fault. You were a young girl who was taken advantage of by this man. This monster.”
Lucy nodded and looked back at Hilda.
“Logically … in my head, I know that. Really, I do,” she said. “It’s just hard to accept, you know. I still feel like it was something I did. Or didn’t. I don’t know.” She fought her own trembling hands and got a new cigarette lit. Inhaled a couple of times and started to relax.
“I wanted to speak out after it happened the first time but I knew no-one would believe me. After all, this was Dariell, the leader of our church. And who was I? Just a young, naive, stupid girl,” she spat. “Who didn’t know anything about God. Or scripture. Or life.”
My nerves were jangling like an alarm clock. My normal reaction would have been to start firing questions at Lucy, but I didn’t need to look at Hilda to know that would be a bad idea. I shoved more pipe smoke at my nerves to shut them up.
“Being young and innocent isn’t a flaw, Lucy,” she said. “Whether anyone said so, it was the responsibility of the adults to protect the children. And don’t forget that Dariell had convinced them, all of them, that he was a great guy. How could you have known different?”
Lucy reached out with her free hand and grabbed Hilda’s. Clasped it tight.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
The diner had filled up with the lunchtime crowd and the clank of plates and cutlery and the hum of conversation filled our silence. Lucy looked at each of us several times with her red eyes. She seemed about to start speaking again and then lapsed inwards.
I smiled at her each time. This has not always been a successful action of mine in the past, but I don’t think it made things worse.
She crushed out her cigarette and sniffed. Took a deep breath and scratched the side of her nose. Blew out a big huff of air.
“Okay,” she said and tried out a smile. “No point stopping there.”
I nodded.
Hilda said, “You’ll be okay.”
“I know.” She sniffed again. Blinked.
“Promise me you’ll get him, Mr Rafferty. For what he did to me and my family and the others.”
Another vision sledgehammered my brain and I shut my eyes.
A dozen Kimberlys.
Naked underneath white robes
On their knees in a circle.
Dariell the center.
Standing upright.
Naked.
Erect penis. Wry smile.
Burdened by choice.
Darkness. Fading images. The throb intensified.
“Mr Rafferty?”
Kimberly?
I blinked my eyes open.
“Are you okay, Mr Rafferty?”
I waved a hand. “Fine. Just a headache.”
Lucy nodded. Hilda raised an eyebrow. I blinked again.
“Lucy,” I said and cleared my throat. “I’m not in the vendetta business. I can’t spend my life chasing everyone who’s done someone else wrong. There’s not enough of me to go around for that.”
Lucy deflated and Hilda scowled.
I stayed strong despite the onslaught.
“No matter how much I want to, I can’t promise that I will ‘get him’ for you.” Lucy opened her mouth and I lifted a hand off the table. “Also, I’m not a cop, so I can’t arrest him no matter how much of a scuzzball he is.” She sank further into her shoulders. “But …”
Her eyes flicked up.
It was my turn to blow out a breath.
“What I will promise is … when it comes to the crunch I will show him the same mercy he showed you.”
“I want him to feel as bad as I did for all those years,” Lucy said, “but I understand. I guess I’ll be okay with that.”
She stretched her arm across the table at me. I took her hand. Done deal.
“Still,” she said. “I hope he makes you have to hurt him, Mr Rafferty.”
“You know, Lucy,” I said, “I do too.”
She was beautiful when she smiled.
“In that case, you’d better know the rest.”
“The first time was in one of the prayer rooms after group had finished,” Lucy said.
Hilda nodded and I stayed silent. A bit more practice and I could maybe get good at this.
“I’d approached him after the reading to ask a question. The nature of the Holy Spirit or something I thought I believed in. He said it was a good question and it deserved a good answer, and if I could stay behind he’d be pleased to help me. He would tell my parents that he would drop me home afterwards.”
She shuddered.
“I remember looking across at my Mom as he was talking to them and she was thrilled. She had the biggest smile and was hugging herself in excitement. She gave me a little wave and then she and Dad were moving towards the door.”
Lucy squared her shoulders and lit another cigarette. A blue fug settled on our corner of the diner.
“It took a while for everyone to leave so I sat in the teenagers room and read a book. You know, for the life of me, I can’t remember what book. I’d give almost anything to remember the name of that book instead of everything else about that night. Isn’t that funny? Well, you kn
ow, not funny … odd.
“Dariell and Ana came in together a while later and they both looked even more excited than my Mom. Dariell was usually such a serious guy, but he was smiling and twitching his shoulders. And Ana …”
Lucy looked up. Smoke rose with her thoughts.
“Ana looked proud,” she said. “I’d never realized what it was before. She looked proud. The same look my Mom gave when I was named cheerleading captain.
“Dariell asked Ana to make tea for us. She bounced away and Dariell said we should move to one of the prayer rooms. We were sitting on floor cushions when Ana returned with two cups of hot tea on a silver tray. I remember thinking at the time it was weird, because I’d never seen the tray or the cups before.” Lucy shrugged.
“Dariell made a real point of saying that the tea on this night was special.”
I raised eyebrows at Hilda. Lucy didn’t catch the gesture.
“A special Indian blend used by yogis, or maybe it was swamis, to get to a higher state of enlightenment. I sipped the tea. It was hot and very sweet. He talked about opening my mind to receive true blessings of the lord and leaving my earthly body behind. He went on with stuff like that for a while. I remember thinking that he wasn’t answering my question, and also that my mind was getting foggy. Like I could see my thoughts drifting past but couldn’t grab hold of them. Do you know that feeling?”
I nodded. It took almost everything I had to keep it at that.
“The only thing I can think like it is watching a movie as a series of snapshots and only being able to see every fiftieth, or hundredth one. I would see clearly for a few seconds, then things would fade out again. This went on for the rest of the night.”
Lucy dragged fiercely on her cigarette, determined to stay in the moment.
“The details don’t really matter, but …”
Hilda brought a hand to her mouth.
I wanted to move. I knew I couldn’t.
I wanted to hit something more than I’d ever felt. Preferably Dariell’s smug countenance.
But I kept my butt on that seat and watched my loved one sob while Lucy grew stronger and brighter as she exorcised her demons.
False Gods Page 12
