by Debbie Zello
“I have to go. I’ll see you in class on Monday. I have a lot to say to you, Neomi. So much to say and more kissing involved. If you’ll just wait for me,” he said touching my cheek.
“See you Monday. Thank you for letting me stay,” I said watching him walk to the door and leave. I touched my lips still feeling his lips there. Every love song ever sung played in my head. I floated all weekend and marked my calendar with a big red heart on the last day of finals.
My classes were going well. Work was fine and the time was passing. Royce maintained his professional demeanor with me. He completely stopped staring at me as if that one kiss satisfied his curiosity enough to not need any connection. I almost felt bereft, as if our very brief link was over.
He didn’t call on me in class. I never saw him around the campus, in a library, or on the street. I finally convinced myself that it was all a dream and never really happened.
So, the day that I walked into class the last week before finals I was surprised when he called on me. “Miss Dillon. Do you remember the first assignment that was given the first day of classes’ way back in August?”
“I do, Mr. Kane,” I answered, rather monotone, even for me. He smiled, I guess he heard it too.
“What was it, if you don’t mind?”
“You asked us to write an essay of at least one-thousand words. You wanted to know who we are and what we are doing here.”
“That’s correct, thank you. Your final assignment for this class is to compose another essay of at least one-thousand words. This one will also be on the topic of who you are and what you’re doing here.”
“As a twist, you must write it using the literary lessons that you have learned here over the last two semesters. In other words, I want you to be an English literature author.”
“This assignment will count as half of your final grade. I know that many of you slacked off on the first assignment thinking it was a ‘get to know you’ and nothing more. If you do that this time, it will be at your peril.”
“Should you have any questions about the assignment, please see me after class or during my office hours. Professor Miller is suspending classes until next Tuesday, when you will be here to turn in this assignment and complete your final.”
Great! I didn’t exactly do the assignment the first time. Now I have no choice but to complete it or fail the final. Failing, at least on purpose, wasn’t my style.
I went to the library in my dorm building as soon as I got back. I needed to start on this assignment now if I had any hope of receiving the A that I wanted.
My life began, at the moment of my birth, at the age of three. My parents, sister and I found ourselves homeless, poor and hungry. With an address on a scrap of paper and bus fare from a church group, we walked down a dirt road towards salvation.
A man as big as a grizzly bear, with the heart of a lion, and the patience of a saint, greeted us. He said his name was Sky and he called me Firelight. For that is who I am. I am Firelight.
I told him who I was in my thousand-word essay. I wrote about the way society treated anyone it considered different from its norm. How events could be made up so quickly. How rumors rapidly became facts and facts became labels. How labels could ruin futures and lives.
It took me hours. I scrapped it so many times and started over. When I finally finished it, I cried. It was all out and once I turned this in, he would know. Now, I just prayed he wouldn’t look at me differently, once he read it. I hated being odd. I came here to be someone new and didn’t want to go back.
I walked into class Tuesday afternoon with my paper securely in my folder. I thought once again about not turning it in and suffering the consequences of my actions. Then, with a deep breath, I walked up to the front desk and added my folder to the pile already there.
In my mind, I could see the firing squad taking aim. Then I remembered that I wrote this paper the last week of April. I’m allowed to do foolish things in April. Foolish things like tell my complete life story.
I took my seat along with the rest of the class. Professor Miller and Mr. Kane walked in together, deep in conversation. Royce kept his head down but had a small shy smile on his lips as Professor Miller spoke.
They must have felt every eye was on them because they both looked up at the same time. “Sorry, Mr. Kane and I were discussing semantics. I see you’ve turned in your assignments. Has anyone not turned theirs in?” Professor Miller asked. He looked around but no one raised their hand. “Good, I look forward to reading them.”
“Mr. Kane will pass out the second part of your final. As soon as you complete it, place it on the corner of the desk and you may leave. I hope you have a restful summer. For those of you taking my seminar on Lust and Love in the Eighteenth Century, I will see you in the fall. You may begin.”
As was my usual practice, I looked over the entire exam before starting it. The very last question stunned me.
Bonus- This question will not count against your grade. It isn’t worth any extra points either. Will you have lunch with me after class?
I quickly darted my eyes around to see if anyone else had this question on their tests. Everyone around me had begun the test on the first page. I was the only one who had flipped to the last.
I looked toward the front of the room to see Royce staring at me. As soon as he caught my eye, he raised his eyebrow as if to say ‘Well?’ I smiled and nodded. I put my head down and continued the exam.
The exam was exactly as I expected it to be and I was one of the first to finish. I stood to leave and walked to the desk with my exam. As I placed it on the desk, Professor Miller smiled. “I had a conversation earlier about you. I’m looking forward to seeing you in the fall, Miss Dillon. I have high hopes for you.”
“Thank you Professor Miller. I hope you enjoy your summer,” I said smiling. I walked out not knowing where Royce was.
I turned right out the door heading towards the parking lot where I expected to see Royce waiting for me. I got to the end of the hall before I was pulled by my arm into a room. It startled me until I saw it was Royce that had my arm.
His lips were on mine as soon as he had shut the door. “I couldn’t wait to kiss you until I had you outside,” he said in between kisses. “I thought I was going to explode. Four months is a very long time.”
“That it is. Did you tell Professor Miller about us?”
“This morning. He said he didn’t suspect anything so there’s no problem with any charge of special treatment. I always made sure he was grading your papers. I never touched them. He said as far as he was concerned, there was no foul.”
“Is he one of the professors you will be defending your dissertation in front of?”
“He’s my advisor, so yes. Then it’s Webster and Arnold. But I don’t want to talk about that. I want to kiss you some more,” he said, placing his lips over mine.
Chapter Thirteen
We went to lunch, the first of many lunches. I was sub-letting an efficiency apartment for the summer. It was the apartment of a master’s candidate who wanted to go home for the summer. It was perfect. Just big enough for me and within walking distance to work. I took Royce to see it.
“It’s small so don’t be critical,” I said opening the door. He walked in and looked around.
“It’s cute, like you are. It’s perfect for you,” he said kissing me. “Want to make out on the couch? Maybe let me get to second base?”
“What’s second base?” I said, seriously.
“You’re kidding. You don’t know what second base is?”
“No, now I feel stupid. I know it’s baseball. I’ve never been to a game.”
“It’s a baseball analogy. First base is kissing, second is letting me hold your breast. Third base is me touching your, um, your, girly parts. Getting home is making love to you,” he said, touching my cheek. I feel the heat of my blush creep up my neck to my face. I look down avoiding eye contact.
“Have you played baseball with ot
her girls?”
“Yes, a few. Several, actually. Do you want an exact number?”
“No. Did you love them?” I whispered.
“I thought I was in love with one of them. We dated for about a year. She left to do her doctoral program in Canada. I haven’t seen her since she left.”
“If you didn’t love them, why did you do that?”
“It feels good. Really good. Really…really…good. When you’re in the moment, you’re not exactly thinking straight. Other feelings take over and the urge to, um, couple is very strong. This isn’t easy to explain to you.”
“Do you feel that with me?” I asked, looking in his eyes. He smiled.
“Absolutely. But I’m not an animal that takes what I want. When and if your desires match mine, we’ll play ball. Not until then, okay?”
“Okay,” I said relaxing. “You may want to read my essay. I wrote it for you, specifically. It might help you to understand my lack of baseball knowledge. I know I’m naïve, my suitemates point it out to me regularly. It’s not an act. It’s more like an affliction.”
“It’s a gift and so are you, Neomi. Your sweetness is a virtue and you should never apologize to anyone for it. Instead of baseball, what do you say we go for a ride on my bike? I’ll take you down by the shore and we’ll feed the seagulls.”
“That sounds great! I’ll get my sweatshirt.” I said, retrieving my sweatshirt from the drawer.
Royce handed me his helmet once we were on the bike. He started the engine and I felt the purr of vibration through my body. I loved that feeling. Once we were on the highway, his hand fell to rest on my leg. It felt possessive and claiming. I wanted to be his girl.
By the end of May, he was picking me up from work almost every day. With the doors open, I could hear him drive up on the side street and turn off his bike. I tried not to act like a silly school girl with her first crush but sometimes what it is what it is. He was my first…everything.
When I found my essay in my mailbox at school a few days after classes ended, I gave it to Royce to read. Professor Miller had given it an A with the words, ‘I like Firelight, and it does suit you. Sky has a keen eye for the soul of a person.’
Royce read the essay. After dinner that night, we were covering first base on the couch in his apartment when I took his hand and placed it on my breast. At the first touch, he broke the kiss and looked at me. “Did you do that on purpose?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I thought we could move on to second base now. Don’t you want to?” I said timidly.
“Oh baby, you know I do. I don’t want to rush you. This is your game to play. I want you comfortable with every decision you make.”
“I am comfortable with it. I’m comfortable with you,” I said honestly. He kissed me and fondled my breast. I liked the feeling of his hands on me. I can see how easy it would be to fall in love with Royce. He’s gentle and sweet.
May passed into June with a heat wave. With the air-conditioning on at the shop and the doors closed, I couldn’t hear Royce pull up outside. Most of the time, he told me the day before if he would be picking me up or not. I knew with his defense scheduled for October he was very busy finishing his book and spending a lot of time in the library researching.
I walked out of the store and he was waiting for me leaning against his bike. The heat was oppressive and the waves radiated off the sidewalk. I had changed from the black jeans of my uniform to a pair of white shorts and a tee. I watched his eyes move over my body and a smile appear. “I like those shorts, Miss Dillon. You have fantastic legs,” he said.
“Thank you Mr. Kane. How did your research go this morning?”
“I didn’t go. I’m playing hooky today. I ran into Frank, the guy that did my tattoo. If you were serious about getting one, he has some time this afternoon.”
“I do want one and I know just what I want. So call him and let’s go,” I said excitedly. I knew exactly what I wanted. I had drawn it in my mind many times.
I want a sun with its rays fanning out. Just below it flickers of fire with waves of light in its center moving upward towards the sun. It’s me Firelight and my refuge the Sunshine Ranch. When I need it, I can place my hand on the tattoo and be there in my mind. I want it on my hip so that only the person that knows me best will ever see it. I won’t share my place with just anyone. It would have to be someone I’m intimate with.
Royce had made sandwiches for us and we ate them on the town green listening to the sounds of the city in summer. There is always someone playing a guitar or a flute on the green. It’s lunch with a concert and I love it. I turn from the music to see Royce staring at me. I smile. “What are you looking at?”
“You’re breathtakingly beautiful,” he said, dreamily.
“I don’t know what you put in your sandwich but you should go easy on it. You’re delusional.”
“No, I know what I’m saying. I’m falling in love with you, Firelight. It scares the crap out of me. You’re so young and have so much before you. That, and I don’t know where I’ll be teaching. Right now, all I want to do is stare at you all day, every day.”
“The way I look at it, it’s already a wonder that a poor girl from southern California would get a scholarship to a prestigious university in Connecticut. That the same girl would take a class with a bright young and handsome doctoral candidate as its teaching assistant. That the TA would be attracted to the girl and her to him. It all sounds very Jane Austen, doesn’t it?”
“It does, now that you put it that way. I love you, Firelight. I know that’s who you really are but I love Neomi, too.” His honesty floored me. He lay his head in my lap and stretched out on the bench as we listened to the music. I played with his hair as he closed his eyes to my touch. I had the same feeling as I did in my field of tall grass. I was at peace and happy.
Walking into Frank’s tattoo shop was like walking into another world. Frank looked like a throwback to a different era. He has art from his neck down to at least his leather belt. What was below that wasn’t visible to me, thank God! He had very long graying hair and a long beard to match. His watery blue eyes almost looked grey in the sunlight. His smile was wide and toothy.
“Frank, this is my girlfriend, Neomi. Neomi, the artist known as Frank,” Royce said, gesturing towards the sixties flower child in the chair.
“Pleased to meet you, Neomi,” Frank said, giving me that wide grin.
“Pleased to meet you too, Frank. Royce tells me you’re a genius with a pen.”
“So he says and it’s more like a drill than a pen. Royce tells me you want some ink. Sit down and tell me what you’re thinking of doing.” I explained my sun, fire and light idea as Frank sketched on a piece of paper. When he was done it was exactly what I was picturing. It was the size of four postage stamps put together in a square. Perfect.
“If that’s what you want all I need is some paperwork signed and I’ll get to work,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few hours. I don’t want to see you cry if it hurts. I can’t take it,” Royce said, kissing me.
“She looks like she can take it,” Frank said. “If not we can do it in stages. I’m in no hurry.”
“I’m stronger than I look. I have a high tolerance for pain, I’m told. I’ll call you when I’m done,” I said, kissing Royce.
“Okay. I’m going to the library to get some work done. Have fun!” I watched Royce walk out before I continued.
“Would it be possible to put this on my hip? It’s for me not for everyone to see.”
“I can put it anywhere you want, Neomi. You’d be surprised what I’ve tattooed. There’s a guy walking around with an arrow on a certain body part that I would never have a tattoo on. You think you have a high tolerance for pain. This guy is Superman as far as I’m concerned.” he said laughing.
I pulled my shorts down slightly to give him access to my hip. He covered me with a sheet with the exception of the area he was w
orking on. I lay on his table as still as I could while he worked. It hurt, I won’t lie. But it was the buzzing of the needle that bothered me the most. It sounded like a million bees and it stung about the same.
It took him a full three hours to finish it. I needed a few breaks to change my position and to use the bathroom. When he was done, he wiped it off and got the mirror. It was perfect…sunshine and firelight. He covered it with a bandage and gave me my instructions for the next few days.
“Come back when you’re ready for more ink. I can think of a few more things I’d like to draw on you,” Frank said, smiling.
“A willing subject, huh! I’ll be back when I need the next one,” I said, taking out my phone to call Royce.
Chapter Fourteen
Over the next week, my new tattoo healed completely. I loved it, and it suited me perfectly. I could rest my hand on my hip knowing it was just under my clothes and feel safe. I had my place, my shelter, with me all the time.
I was getting closer and closer to third base and home with Royce. I knew he was the one and I, too, had fallen in love with him, as he told me repeatedly he was with me.
As I packed to go home for Dove’s wedding, I thought about the possibility of my own. I knew what Royce said about me being young, and I am that. He was my first love and that was young too. I had three more years of school and then maybe a masters to complete. Too many years to contemplate my love life right now.
I made dinner for Royce and myself at my humble apartment. I was lying against his chest with my feet on the couch. “I was thinking about going to see my parents this weekend. Would you like to come with me?” he said.
“You’ve never even mentioned your family. I can’t believe I’ve never asked you about them. I can’t believe I’ve been so self-absorbed. I’m so sorry. Please tell me about them,” I said, sitting up.
