After lunch they all have another dip, apart from Macia of course. She is sure there was something in the water earlier and she doesn’t want it to affect her skin. Crasso offers her his glass jar again, but she pulls up her nose. “No thanks,” she says, “I don’t know if it was the water or the cream earlier making my skin feel different. I’m not risking that again.” Crasso shrugs, but Gax notices the quick flash in his eyes, before turning away. By the time he has put his jar away his face looks calm and placid again, but Gax is secretly pleased. Not many people seem to react in an expected way, so to see the quick moment of anger makes it feel more normal. “Anyway, swimming twice like that sounds just, well, a bit over the top to me,” she continues, her face suddenly looking very ugly. A cloud seems to come over the group as they all look at Macia.
It is Tima who answers. “Many of the council members have houses with pools, Macia, there is nothing wrong with swimming. Anyway, nobody says you have to.” Macia glares at her and Tima turns back to the water. Gax can see her face as she walks past him. It is pale, her eyes are looking frightened. The more he puzzles over Tima’s reaction, the worse his headache becomes. Gax walks into the cool water too, the pleasure of it making him forget Macia. He is relieved when it’s time to leave the beach. They fold up their towels and Gax collects some rubbish they left behind. He finds Macia staring at him, an odd expression in her eyes. He shrugs, reacting to her unvoiced comment, saying that he hates to leave a mess.
“That is where Mansits come in,” she says, her face full of disgust. “It’s their job, it’s what they need to redeem themselves. Why would you do a Mansit job, when nobody else does. Why be different? That’s just…weird.” Gax groans whilst rearranging his bag. When he glances round the beach, he spots the litter left behind everywhere. They all walk across the bridge together, Crasso and Palamus turning off after the first bridge. Gax doesn’t know what to do. He wants to arrange with Caecilia to meet up, although part of him wonders if he could manage it. He links eyes with Caecilia and she dips her head the slightest bit, making his heart soar. Good, they’re meeting up!
The long walk home doesn’t feel as bad as it did this morning. Still, Gax is relieved to get home, unlocking the door, wanting to just collapse on the sofa. He is aware of the watchers though, so he carefully empties his bag, avoiding the tablet strip in the bottom of the bag. Sewing it back into its slot is for another day, he decides. He is quite desperate to take some more tablets so leaves the bag in the bathroom. Then he has a bath, taking the opportunity to take more tablets. He is worried though. That’s four tablets in one day, what if he gets another attack? At this rate he will run out of tablets in just a few headache days. It can’t be helped, but Gax knows that he really needs to be more careful with his broken nights. Today he managed to make it through, only just, but what if the next attack is worse? He shudders, dreading to think of the consequences.
He skips his gym session, telling Yulra that he’s had his exercise for today when she tells him that the usual time for him to go has arrived. In the silence that follows he can just feel the watchers sitting up and taking note. “A change of plan, he has had a change of activity. Why?” Gax forces his face to stay focussed on the large television screen, avoiding the camera, even though he feels tempted to look at it, trying to see through to the other end, coming face to face with the watcher. He drifts off to sleep on the sofa, waking up when it’s dark. Yulra tells him the time, way beyond his usual bedtime. “Thanks Yulra, I really enjoyed the programme and being out all day on the beach made me want to just watch television for a while!” Hopefully that will take away any suspicion from the watcher’s mind. The nap has done him good and he’s soon fast asleep again, kitchen timer under his pillow as usual.
Getting up feels hard this time, his head still aching, especially when he leans over to do his sandals up. He even has to rest for a few moments, leaning his head onto his cold finger tips, pressing hard. The pressure soon leaves and he walks quietly down the deserted lanes, down the tiny track. Caecilia seems to arrive at the same time, raising her chin cheerfully. “I hope you enjoyed the beach,” she smiles and Gax smiles back. He sees her eyes glint as she says, “I hope it wasn’t too boring?” Gax’s smile fades a little, yes, it had been dreadfully boring and disillusioning as well. He also feels guilty, as he has failed in his calling.
“I was a bit disappointed,” he says, still unsure of how to put it. “You see, I knew I had to be careful and all that, but still, I hoped to have some sort of conversation that would go somewhere.” Caecilia nods, her eyes serious now. “Nothing came of it though, the lads were nice enough, but we just didn’t have a deep conversation.” Caecilia dips her head a little, then explains that even in school or college people don’t really have conversations. After all, why would you? It’s so easy to give too much away in a conversation. Gax stares at her for a second, shocked.
Caecilia shakes her head, “Too risky. What if you say something about your family that a friend thinks sounds odd. They could pass that on and before you know it your family gets watched.” She stops, staring off into the dark, then says very softly, “My mother hates conflict or upsetting people. When my brother got lined up with Tima, she was very upset. The Durus family seems to thrive on conflict. My brother, well, all of us in the home, knew she was upset, but he promised that he wouldn’t change and that he would do his best to influence Tima for good. And he did; Tima is lovely. If any of us had mentioned it outside our family, my mother might have been in trouble though. To speak about a prominent council member like that doesn’t do you any favours. So I never discussed my brother’s Nuptialem contract or anything with anyone, just in case. I got to know Macia because she is Tima’s sister and because she is in the same class as I am. Mentioning anything personal to Macia is like buying a fast track ticket to the Hills, so in our class especially, people don’t talk much.”
Gax nods yes, but he is shocked to find out that Tima is Macia’s older sister. Fancy having a younger sister like that. Caecilia looks at him, sadness in her eyes then. “I know, Macia is hard work, even on a pleasant day out. On the other hand, her life has been so sad, I can’t really blame her for closing herself off like that. Tima is older, and seems to have coped better, I suppose.” Gax tilts his head, feeling nosey, briefly feeling a tiny wriggle in his heart about gossip, but brushing it aside as quickly as it appears. “You see,” Caecilia continues, the sadness no longer in just her eyes, “You see, what happens to Macia and her family, well…”
Chapter 35
“It all started about twelve years ago,” Caecilia says, her voice soft, the lilt in her voice stronger than ever. “Macia was one of three children, their family a real example. Her father was already on the list to be an Amplissimos, having been an Altiorem from birth. Their family was just perfect, Tima, Macia and…and their little brother. There was quite a gap between Macia and the brother, as I think her parents had been desperate to get a boy after two girls.” Gax is confused. As if guessing his thoughts, Caecilia adds, “I don’t know if they already had compulsory gender lists back then, or whether they just wanted to have a balanced family.” Gax no longer rolls his eyes, compulsory gender lists? Is there really such a thing? “Anyway, they had this cute little boy. He really was very sweet and chubby. They all doted on him and then, well,” Caecilia stops, stares off into the darkness. Gax can see her eyes, dark and full of tears. They stand side by side, the night perfectly still.
“One day, he just wasn’t his usual self. After a few days they realised he wasn’t well at all. His mother decided to take him to the Sanatorium. I don’t think Macia’s father was too happy about that, but anyway, they took him, the little boy. Turned out that he was ill and there wasn’t anything the doctors could do. Not without it affecting him for life at least. They told the parents to send him Downstream. The mother refused. Well, not refused really, I mean, she agreed, but when the night came for him to go, you see, the next morning they all realised that
the mother had gone along with her little boy, rather than sending him off by himself.” Gax dips his head, feeling the sadness and grief the mother must have felt. Finally having had a little boy, to then send him away alone when desperately ill, who could blame her?
Apparently, the whole of Elabi could. “Of course, there was a huge enquiry,” Caecilia continues, “the whole family was sent to special courses, the father’s Amplissimos application was promptly put on hold. It says a lot about his standing in the community that he kept his Altiorem status, as did the girls. Only just though, according to Macia. Soon after the father married again. His new wife was, is, a real stickler for rules, regulations and factual living. He married her with quite a bit of publicity, making it constantly clear that he married her as she was the most unemotional person ever and that she was the kind of person Elabi needed. He uses her as a prototype of what women should be like, a distant, factual and utterly logical person like she is. I think that is what made him achieve Amplissimos status. I also believe that is why he writes so many books, to prove that he had nothing to do with his first wife’s emotional reaction.
Macia doesn’t like her stepmother much and struggled at first. She got sent to many courses, until she agreed that emotional responses are putting society at risk. She is still bitter about what her mother did and the chaos it created. The father just worked hard at teaching and training the community, always pointing out how damaging an emotional attachment is and how logic saved his family, so he never had much time for Macia. He and his new wife are now beacons in the community, working hard to make Elabi a more stable place. It made Macia into a harsh person though, avoiding any form of emotion, trying to always be factual and logical. It makes her hard to be with. It also means that she would report anyone and everyone if she suspects them of breaking the regulations,” Caecilia ends, her voice very soft and a little shaky.
Gax dips his head again. He understands and he can’t blame Caecilia for feeling a little afraid. If Macia ever found out about their meetings there would be big trouble. His heart aches for that family, especially the mother who had to choose between the little boy and the rest of her family. Travelling into the unknown must have been frightening. He shares his thoughts with Caecilia, who looks aghast. “I have never heard anyone leaving the city like that!” she exclaims, “It is such an emotional response, I mean, why didn’t she do what the doctors said and trust the Guardians to take her boy down? The whole system is set up to take people down on their last journey, so why did she react like that? She had just attained Altiorem status too. Why waste all that and to desert the city for a child who wouldn’t live long anyway?”
It is Gax’s turn to be shocked. “It was her son,” he says softly, “can a mother forget her child? To ask a mother to desert her dying child, that’s…terrible,” he finishes, wanting to say illogical, but in this place logic has taken on a whole new meaning. “No wonder Macia is so miserable,” he says, feeling different about the girl now he knows her background, “To live without love, well, that would destroy anyone.” He can feel his own eyes burning with indignation, feeling sudden anger towards the council.
Caecilia is quiet for a while, then says, very softly, “Would your God want it differently?” Gax swallows, his heart burning inside him suddenly, gratitude washing over him, realising how blessed he is! He promises himself to never take God’s love for granted.
Then he smiles at Caecilia, and says, “Absolutely! God cares about the fatherless, the widow, the children. There are some strong words against people who don’t regard children or the vulnerable. It is a sign of a sick society.”
“What about those that follow your God and get sent beyond the Hills? Has your God forgotten them? Or those too ill to stay in Elabi altogether, how does He care about them? Does He always care, or only when they’re active, doing their daily duty to the community?”
Gax smiles and says softly, “No, sometimes people think that; even in the past people have often thought that. You know, when things seem bad, people wonder if God has forgotten about them. In the Book it says, Can a woman forget her baby? Well, it’s possible, isn’t it,” and Gax swallows, trying to get rid of the sharp edge that suddenly had crept into his voice. In Elabi it seemed to be expected of a woman to forget her baby, any baby. “Well, the Book says that it’s possible, but that even if she does, God will never forget His people, He has graven them in the palms of His hands, He always thinks about them. He never changes, He never forgets or deserts His people.” Gax can feel his chest growing, his heart beating loudly, making him feel breathless with it all. “Imagine that,” he adds, “just imagine that, to never ever be out of someone’s thoughts, their affection for you totally steadfast and unchanging, their love unconditional and not dependent on your actions and feelings.” He looks at her, his eyes shining bright with the enormity of it all.
Caecilia dips her head, then looks away, her wrist doing a quick track across her eyes. “It’s time,” she says, her voice unsteady. She smiles at him and in the moonlight he sees the tears on her cheeks. He nods, smiles back, the smile staying on his face, even after she has quietly disappeared in the darkness. Then he walks home, still full of wonder, still feeling overwhelmed with God’s infinite love. By the time Gax gets back to his house his headache has started knocking harder on the walls of his skull. His hand trembles a bit when he unlocks his door, slipping into the house. He is glad it’s dark inside, as the hammering has spread to just behind his eyebrows, and he knows from experience that light is not his friend now.
Placing his head down on his pillow feels wonderful. Yet he struggles to fall asleep as the conversation goes round and round his tired brain. Gax smiles, his eyes closed against the spinning circles that have returned. He loves remembering Caecilia’s beautiful face, the dark eyes filled with tears, making them seem luminous; her full lips the perfect shape. Then he frowns a little. After all, he is here on a mission, he is a special forces op and there is no way he can build up a relationship with her. He needs to focus his energy in the right direction and courting a girl is not part of his brief. Of course, he has to answer her questions and teach her about the Book, but there’s nothing personal about that. The fact that she is sweet and pretty doesn’t make any difference at all. She’s just like the old man to him, really, he tells himself, cringing just a tiny bit, because honesty yells over the hammering in his head that there is a world of difference between meeting with Caecilia and the old man. Gax purses his lips in the dark and stubbornly insists that the only difference is that he and Caecilia have been meeting longer and that she has shown more interest in the Book.
When he wakes up the next morning it’s later than usual. He hesitates, then rolls over. Let the watchers make of that what they want, he needs more sleep, as he has to go to work on Onesday. Today is the only day he can rest his head and he fully intends to. He vaguely wonders if there is a law against laziness and lie-ins, then, closing his eyes again, decides that he doesn’t care. Gax wakes up around lunch time, as Yulra tells him when he asks. He is pretty sure her automated, metallic voice sounds disapproving and he smirks under his blanket. Gax sighs, lying down for a few extra minutes, his head resting, eyes closed. He’d love to stay like this all day, just getting rid of his headache, then slowly he gets up. Having a bath helps and he fights the temptation to take another painkiller. “I can’t” he mutters, dreading to admit he will have to stay in Elabi long enough to have another attack like this one. “I might need it more than this next time,” he adds, feeling queasy at the mere thought of another sick day.
Food tastes like food again and even the sunlight coming in through the windows makes him only narrow his eyes a little. He would love to read his Book, but that’s not an option. Would there be any consequences if he just lounged on the sofa with his favourite music playing softly? He hesitates for a few seconds, then tells Yulra to play his favourite Elabi music. The day feels slow and peaceful, calming and refreshing him. Dinner is more e
laborate, just because he can. Gax notes that he needs to get more groceries tomorrow. Thinking about tomorrow makes him feel excited. First there will be the meeting with the old man, then Caecilia in the night. It makes him feel busy and wanted, life looking like it should as an undercover op. Gax gets to bed at the earliest time possible without raising suspicions. He knows he will need to have enough rest if he wants to beat his headache. He longs for his old life, where he could sleep for two days, his mum bringing him his favourite food, curtains drawn, the house quiet. He drifts off, dreaming of home and family, his heart aching.
Chapter 36
Gax almost groans when the kitchen timer tells him it’s time to get up. The room is dark, his head still feels like it’s stuffed with cotton wool. Because of the lazy, slow day it seems he has only just met up with Caecilia. For a second he wonders what would happen if he just stayed where he is, then her sweet face knocks that idea out of his mind. So Gax gets up, slipping downstairs as quietly as he can, the secrecy of it all making him feel excited all over again. He knows it’s not a game; he knows there is a serious risk if he is caught. There is something about moving stealthily in the middle of the night, something exhilarating, as long as he doesn’t remind himself of the real reason he has to keep quiet.
Walled City (The Elabi Chronicles Book 1) Page 21
