Brick Shithouse

by Bijou Hunter

  Audrey watches me with wide, shining eyes. “I felt an amazing connection with Sierra. I’d never felt that way with anyone except you. I mean obviously it was different, but comforting her made me connect deeper than I’ve ever done with other people. I keep everyone away, and I think I’ve done that for as long as I can remember. I think I was afraid to let people down or have them disappoint me.”

  Audrey pauses to wiggle out of her sweatpants and shirt, leaving her in only white panties and bra. I stop undressing long enough to admire the view.

  “Today,” she continues, “I couldn’t run from Sierra’s crying. Your mom wouldn’t let me puss out. I can’t explain how amazing I felt when I was able to comfort the baby. I want to feel that again, but Tatum seemed pretty vehement about keeping Sierra.”

  “So you want to make one you can keep.”

  “Very much yes. It’s so freeing to feel that connection. Like how you don’t let me push you away, and I have to let you close, and it feels so great. I used to watch my parents and wonder how they could trust each other in the way they did. Like how could Mom trust Pop not to cheat with all the bimbos looking to ride a biker? Or how could Pop never worry about Mom wanting a safer man? They clicked on a level I didn’t understand. To me, the trust they shared felt at the very least naïve. Now because of you, I get it, and I want to have more of those connections.”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready for a kid,” I admit, standing in all my naked glory.

  “You’ll do fine,” she says, popping off her bra and giving me two handfuls of flesh to enjoy. “You have more experience than I do, and you’re a beast when it comes to loving family. You’ll be a great pop.”

  Covering her lips with mine, I struggle to remove her panties. My dick demands I tear them off or else it’ll revolt and maybe start a movement against slow-moving assholes like me.

  Audrey doesn’t notice the destruction of her panties. She only has eyes for me, though her mind is clearly on turning our late afternoon delight into a firstborn baby. I’m not a hundred percent sure about fatherhood. Of course, if my swimmers do hit the jackpot today, I have nine months to figure out shit.

  16 – AUDREY

  I’ve never enjoyed the idea of beauty days. Mom, Aunt Tawny, Gram Jodi, and a few of their best girlfriends regularly get their nails done. They usually follow the spa with cocktails and seafood. The last two activities were always more fun to me than the mani/pedi part. Despite my lack of interest in beautifying, I agree to join Cricket and Tatum at a full spa—complete with facials and massages.

  “I’m beginning to wean Magnus,” Cricket says with green goop on her face as she gets her feet massaged. “His teeth are coming in loud and proud, and my little man is a biter.”

  “I feel you,” Tatum mumbles behind her blue mask. “Sierra gnaws at my boob a lot lately. I’m not ready to wean her. She’s my last baby, and I want to prolong breastfeeding as long as possible.”

  “So you’ll stop when she’s like five and ready for kindergarten.”

  Tatum smiles, cracking her blue mask. “Why even then?”

  I’ve felt invisible for most of our spa fun. They talk about people I don’t know and remember events I wasn’t around to enjoy. Now, though, I’ve found a subject I can add to.

  “Cap and I decided we want to have a baby right away.”

  Looking up from her phone, Cricket nods. “And I assume you’ll be hiring a large Eastern German woman to carry the monster child.”

  “Uh, no.”

  “Are you nuts? That baby will be the size of your entire torso.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “Cap was twenty-seven pounds when he was born.”

  “Is that big? I knew a girl who gained sixty pounds when pregnant.”

  “Yeah, but that’s not just baby weight. You also have the placenta and more goop than you can imagine.”

  Tatum clears her throat. “I’m going to jump in here and say I think twenty-seven pounds is wrong.”

  “No, I’m fairly certain he was around the thirty-pound mark.”

  “You were ten when he was born.”

  “I remember these things, Tatum.”

  “Do you, though?”

  “No, probably not, but let’s move on. Now, Audrey, I like you, and I’m totally okay with you using your eggs for the impending baby, but there’s no way your tiny body can carry a giant’s fetus. It’ll kill you. We all think so.”

  “Who’s we?”

  “Me, Chipper, Poet, Tatum,” Cricket says. Before I can respond, she continues with, “Poet’s stepmom and her sisters. Bianca Bella and her mom and that lady who was in their cruise cabin when we chatted online.”

  “I’m glad you are having fun at my expense.”

  “No, not fun. We’re very seriously worried. No one worries like that lady in the cabin.”

  “The baby could take after me and be small.”

  “Eww,” Cricket says. “Tiny babies are so creepy. You should have seen the mini-twins when they were born. Just freaky with their tiny wrinkled faces as if they hadn’t finished cooking. Magnus was born at a healthy nine pounds, and his face wasn’t wrinkly at all.”

  “She’s not wrong,” Tatum says. “Magnus was a perfectly cooked baby.”

  “Where’s the punch line?” Cricket asks Tatum.

  “Your son is very handsome.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  Tatum stares intensely at Cricket. “He has many attractive qualities.”

  “I’m going to stand up and waddle over there to kick your blonde ass if you don’t stop.”

  “Your son has a head full of hair.”

  “Bitch,” Cricket growls.

  “I feel like I’m missing something,” I mutter.

  Tatum instantly smiles. “We decided to have babies at the same time so they’d be cousin twins. Then Cricket decided to make it a competition to see who got knocked up first.”

  Tatum doesn’t finish, but I can do the math with the cousins’ ages.

  Cricket sighs loudly. “I blame myself. It’s not as if Poet’s sperm wasn’t willing. My eggs were just playing hard to get.”

  “Happens to the best of us.”

  “But never to you.”

  “No,” Tatum says, smirking. “Never to me.”

  Cricket sighs dramatically for nearly thirty seconds before smiling at me. “If you insist on bearing the child of an angel, we promise to help you with whatever you need. We have baby stuff, lots of advice, and kids you can practice on. Want to know what your baby will like as a preteen? Feel free to babysit the mini-twins.”

  “I’m going to say no to the babysitting hormonal kids, but I will take Magnus.”

  “Yeah, they’re so cute when they can’t speak.”

  Tatum gets out of her chair and walks gingerly on her recently manicured feet to where I sit. “I’m going to act as the voice of reason. I don’t know you yet, but I’m still going to ask if you’re rushing into motherhood.”

  “I appreciate your concern.”

  “No, you don’t. My question clearly pissed you off.”

  “Stop looking at my face, so I can lie better.”

  Tatum smiles and glances at a snickering Cricket. When her gaze returns to me, she gets serious.

  “Why are you in such a rush?”

  “Didn’t you get pregnant right after hooking up with Chipper? And Cricket got pregnant the first time she even met Poet. Why are you so worried about my having a baby when you did it too? Is it me? Am I not good enough to have a baby right away?”

  Cricket’s snicker turns into full-on hysterical laughter. “Watch out! She’s going to blow!”

  Tatum waves off her sister-in-law’s giggling. “I wanted to be a mom since I was little, and Cricket didn’t know how to properly use birth control.”

  “Hey,” the giggler mumbles.

  “The point is we aren’t you, and we got the impression you weren’t interested in having a baby soon. Now you say you
are. We just want to make sure you aren’t feeling pressured by anyone to have a baby now rather than later.”

  “So diplomatic,” Cricket grumbles. “Wait, did you just accuse my baby angel-bro of pressuring Betty Boop over here into having his monster-sized baby? Because if so, fuck off, Tatum.”

  Grinning, Tatum leans closer. “Ignore her. She’s on her period.”

  Cricket shrugs. “True.”

  “Audrey, we already think of you as family, and family is honest with each other. Well, good family is anyway. So we’re honestly asking what changed your mind when it came to having a baby.”

  “I admit I didn’t think I wanted a baby, but I had no experience with babies. After babysitting Sierra, I feel differently. I’ve never had a person depend on me like that. It made me feel something I’ve never felt before. Normally, I’d be nervous by new stuff, but meeting Cap showed me how I’m capable of so much more.”

  Tatum’s expression is full of understanding while Cricket no longer giggles. Their reaction encourages me to keep talking.

  “My mom was a wife and mother at my age. She was nearly done getting her teaching degree. Before Cap, I was floating through life with no goals. I didn’t know what would make me happy. Now I’m beginning to understand what I need. Cap is one. A baby is another. I like my job and living in a town where no one cares about my last name. Maybe I’m rushing into things, but I’ve been waiting for something to inspire me. Cap did that, and I want to keep pushing myself. Does that make sense?”

  Nodding, Tatum glances at an also nodding Cricket. They genuinely do understand. They were my age when they took risks with men they barely knew. Years later, they’re obviously pleased with those big chances they took. After our spa day and my explanation, I feel as if I’ve officially joined their club.

  17 – AUDREY

  Cap warns me that my parents won’t want to hear about baby plans or anything heavy during their first visit. He assures me the conversations can be kept lighthearted to help Mom and Pop ease into the new situation. I listen to him make these proclamations and love him more with each one. That doesn’t mean I’m not worried I’ve fucked his sanity away because there is no way my parents will relax this weekend. Pop called me every day to ask if anyone needed killing. When I said no, he hung up. I’m a little hurt by his coldness, but more entertained by how angry he is by the move. Selfishly, I think I’d feel worse if he was perfectly okay with my being gone.

  I’m relieved Tatum agrees to come to the house before my parents. She’ll act as the voice of reason, and her babies will distract everyone with their cuteness.

  “I’ll want her back,” Tatum teases before handing Sierra to me.

  “She looks so happy today.”

  “Her tooth came in. The world no longer sucks.”

  Chipper enters the house with Mesa on his back and Ridge hanging from his front. “I found these mooches outside. Anyone want to feed them while I take a shit?”

  Walking to her son, Candy smiles warmly. “Break the toilet, and you buy us a new one.”

  “I know the rule. Now, which kid do you want?”

  “Both,” Candy says, turning so they can climb onto her. Falling dramatically to her knees, she pretends they weigh a ton. The kids laugh, crawling all over her as she collapses to the ground.

  Holding Sierra, I’m psyched everyone is in such a great mood. Then Hayes goes and craps on my hopes and dreams.

  “Don’t get too comfy with that smile, kid,” he says and takes Sierra from me. “Your father is a full-on raging asshole, and he’s got something to prove.”

  “And what would that be?”

  “I don’t know,” he says and nuzzles his nose against Sierra’s. “Does he have a small dick?”

  “How would I know?”

  “I assumed you’d caught a glimpse. How big is your fucking house?”

  My temper demands I stand up for Pop and slap back at Hayes who very much enjoys poking me. The only problem is Sierra grabs his beard with both hands and starts laughing. How can I remain pissed when this adorable baby insists on making her peepaw look harmless?

  “Did you want to say something?” Hayes asks, still stuck in his granddaughter’s death grip.

  “No. I’ve never been happier.”

  Hayes narrows his eyes while grinning at my refusal to complain. I’m starting to figure out the giant bastard. Nodding at my sly smile, he walks toward the kitchen. I watch him go and wish I could steal back Sierra.

  “Will Cricket be here later?” I ask Candy who rests on her back with the kids using her as a pillow.

  “She went to West Virginia for the week. They’re having an early Halloween party with Poet’s banjo family.”

  “How do they work out the holiday situation?”

  “Well, that reminds me. Some of Poet’s family will be here for Thanksgiving, but we’re having Christmas in Rawkfist this year. You don’t have to come, of course, but I wanted to let you know the plan for this year.”

  “We’re driving to Wyoming for New Year’s,” Tatum says from the kitchen where she chops cucumbers. “It’ll be the first year Sierra can enjoy the snow.”

  The baby cries out joyfully at the sound of her name, even though her wide-eyed gaze remains on Hayes’s giant fingers. He keeps snapping, and she claps as if he’s terrific. I remember pictures of when I was a kid sitting on Pop’s lap. He looked so casually cool with his tatted arms holding a baby.

  I’m still thinking of his arms when Cap opens the front gate for Pop and Mom’s SUV. Rather than head to the front door to welcome them, he chooses to take Mesa and Ridge into the backyard to play. I frown as he waves from the outside of the sliding glass doors.

  Once I’m wearing my jacket, I hurry outside to greet my parents. My smiling mother waves from the passenger seat. She looks happier than I expected. Pop, though, wears a foul expression reserved for those he truly despises.

  My heart soars to see him so miserable. Knowing how much Pop loves and misses me, I barrel against him once he steps out of the SUV.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” I say, wrapping my arms around his waist.

  Caressing the back of my head, he grumbles, “Why, are you ready to escape this shithole?”

  I smile up at him. “I don’t understand the question.”

  “Punk,” he mutters and messes up my hair. “Hug your mom, so she doesn’t get jealous.”

  I walk around to where Mom stands. “Haven’t Lily and Rando been hugging you enough?”

  “Rando pets me a lot, but I think she just wants a cat.”

  “What about Lily?”

  “She’s been hiding a lot. She and Colt are fighting, and threats were made about wiping shit in her hair.”

  “Man, I so do not miss those freaks,” I say, taking her hand. “I missed you and Pop, though.”

  I guide Mom to the front door while Pop shuffles along, fully embracing his pissed little-boy impression.

  “Cap’s out back with his niece and nephew. He’s so good with kids.”

  Pop snorts dismissively, but I only smile wider. Every time he acts like a brat, I know he misses me. Mom cries when upset, Pop pitches a fit like a tatted toddler.

  Stepping into the house, I’m relieved Candy is off the floor since she was looking ready to nap down there. Now she stands in the kitchen next to Tatum. Hayes sits nearby, watching Sierra struggle to crawl.

  “So this is where you live,” Pop says, entering the house. “I expected more of an underground bunker vibe with gun racks on the walls and stacks of MREs.”

  Hayes immediately smirks. “Johansson, here’s a fucking tip. If you want an underground bunker, you build that shit underground.”

  “Always a fucking charmer.”

  Candy leans against the counter and lifts her cup. “If this is a fucking contest to see who can say fucking the most, throw my fucking name into the fucking ring.”

  Everyone looks to Mom to see if she’ll join in the cussing extravaganza. Instead,
she pretends not to notice.

  “She doesn’t have a trash mouth like some low-class women,” Pop tells Hayes.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. Can’t win them all, huh, buddy?”

  Pop looks ready to throw down with Hayes, but the clapping baby puts a damper on the hostilities. Instead, he just growls, “What’s with the buddy shit?”

  “I called a guy ‘buddy’ a few years back, and he pissed himself. It’s been a very special word for me ever since.”

  “You live such a heartwarming life,” Pop says in his most sarcastic tone.

  “Thanks, buddy.”

  “My jeans remain dry,” Pop says, glaring hard at an unimpressed Hayes.

  “Give it time.”

  “Anyone want booze?” Tatum asks.

  “Already drunk but thanks, pumpkin,” Candy replies and settles into her recliner. “We have some sweet-as-sin West Virginia moonshine in the fridge if anyone wants to join me in the blitzed-out fun.”

  I know my pop wants a taste of that moonshine, but he refuses to chill and let his guard down. Despite her lack of interest in booze, Mom walks into the kitchen and asks for a cup. She probably hopes the moonshine is strong enough to move from her system into Pop’s based merely on their psychic love connection. If any two people can accomplish this plan, it’s my mom and pop.

  CAP

  Hiding outside with Mesa and Ridge, I can only guess at the drama unfolding inside the house. Farah is nervous. Cooper is rude. My father meets that rudeness with his own. My mother joins into the men’s crap. Only Tatum will remain calm because she’s been low-level exhausted since Sierra’s birth, and I don’t think much fazes her these days.

  Finally, Audrey will try to play peacemaker despite her lack of experience at this skill. Sooner or later, she’ll become so annoyed by their bickering that she’ll retreat to the backyard to find her backup. That’s when I get to shine.

  Until that moment, I collect leaves with my niece and nephew. I’m in charge of locating yellow ones from the yard. Mesa occasionally stops what she’s doing to make sure I’m not falling down on the job. The kid’s quite the taskmaster. Tatum calls Mesa her second-in-command because the child loves to supervise the shit out of people.