by Bijou Hunter
Her words inspire me to see the house entirely differently. No longer is it the cool contemporary with character. Now, it’s a fucking deathtrap waiting to kill my kids!
“What was I thinking?” I mumble, stepping away as if the house became toxic. “This place is all fucking wrong. The fireplace has those sharp edges. The stairs are narrow. It has a step-down kitchen which is a fucking concussion waiting to happen.”
“No,” Audrey says in nearly a whisper while she takes my hands. “This house just needs a new vision.”
“It’s not safe for a kid. I hadn’t even considered that. Sure, it wouldn’t occur to me when I first showed it to you since kids weren’t on my mind. But this last week, I never gave it a second thought.”
“Your sister’s house has hardwood floors. Your brother’s house has those wide stairs and a giant fireplace. Their kids survived because they baby-proofed the houses. We have the luxury of starting from scratch here. We can make it cool but also suited for a family. I mean people lived here before, right? Kids even.”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re so smart about these things, Cap. If you can’t figure something out, I know your dad can. Or Cricket. You said she’s smart about design. We’re not alone with these decisions.”
Smiling at her calm tone, I take a deep breath and try to exhale my tension. “I rarely feel overwhelmed. I’m the calmest fucker you’ll meet, but I’m so overwhelmed right now that I want to puke.”
“Because you’re used to being the baby, and now you’re planning on having one. It’s okay because I feel that way too, but we can do this. Even if we have to bubble-wrap the entire house to make it work, we’ll figure it out. I’m not worried.”
“What if we change everything and it fucking sucks?”
“Then we move somewhere else,” she says while fighting laughter. “Or just keep living with your parents. I can’t imagine they’d have any problem with that.”
Throwing my head back, I chuckle at the thought of sitting down Mom and Dad to let them know I never plan to move. No doubt they’d nod agreeably before immediately plotting how to lock Audrey and me out of the house. As entertaining as that cat and mouse game might be, I want to bring home my not-yet-conceived baby to this house.
With Audrey’s calm soothing me back into my ordinarily calm self, I see only opportunity where minutes earlier I was ready to burn the place to the ground. Fatherhood and home ownership freak me out, but I know now Pip will keep me sane.
18 – AUDREY
From floating through life without a purpose to feeling part of a new family and town, my life changed as soon as I met Cap. I sometimes can’t believe how only a month’s passed since the day I got my panties in a twist over the giant hunk. How did I ever exist without him in my life? Everything before Cap feels like a dream and I only woke up after meeting my Prince Charming who bought me a gross sandwich, gave me a kiss, and forced me to grow up fast.
Now nearly a month after moving to White Horse, we celebrate Halloween evening at the still un-remodeled house. Cap and I quickly give up on designing the inside. Fortunately, Cricket and Bianca Bella—who returns home early after her cruise has a bout of extreme food poisoning—help narrow down ideas.
My first encounter with Bianca Bella threw me for a loop. I hadn’t heard about her return before I arrived at Cricket’s house. Bianca Bella appeared at the front door, and I didn’t recognize her from the pictures I’d seen. Her long dark hair was pulled up into a bun, and she wore reading glasses. Blocking my way inside, she sized me up and sighed.
“You’re not tiny,” she said, wearing a frown.
“Okay, thanks, I guess.”
“They made you sound like Tiffany from ‘The Bride of Chucky.’ I was picturing a tiny person with lots of curves, but you’re a normal-sized woman with lots of curves,” Bianca Bella said and then sighed. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed.”
“Sorry.”
“Well, I imagined a giant doll woman, but that’s not your fault. I blame Cricket and Chipper for their shoddy descriptions.”
“You’re not what I expected either.”
“I’m not normally this tan, and I always put on twenty pounds during cruises.”
“No, it’s just that Cap told me how he was into you. I guess I imagined you as more seductive and less friendly.”
“Oh, hell, he told you about that?” she asked, leaning closer. “Isn’t that the grossest thing ever? I swear I thought he was pulling a prank.”
“Why? Don’t you find him attractive?”
“As attractive as I could find a kid I consider my brother. He was like ten when we met, and I never stopped thinking of him as a little boy. Even now, he’s just a giant kid with B.O. and facial hair.”
“He doesn’t have B.O.,” I grumbled, ready to defend my man to the death.
“Don’t get your pits sweaty, Betty Boop. Everyone has B.O., but boys have it the worst.”
Bianca Bella stepped back to allow me to enter. She offered me food and drinks and asked questions about my job at the Kitchenette and my family back in Ellsberg. She was so damn welcoming and relaxed that I forgot to feel awkward around her. By the time she sits down with Cap, Cricket, and me to look for design ideas, I view her as a friend rather than as a romantic rival. Good thing I didn’t ask Cap to evict her from the family.
After our design session, Cap and I can only agree on the wall colors. So next weekend, my family plans to drive down to White Horse for a painting party. It’ll be a chance for my siblings to meet Cap’s.
“A clusterfuck waiting to happen,” is how Cap describes the impending get-together.
Despite his worries, I’m excited about my family’s visit. I want to show off my new life and build a better relationship with my siblings. In the past, I focused on how different we were. Now I want to embrace those differences and learn more about them as people outside of their roles as my siblings. I mean, I see the way Cap does things he doesn’t really enjoy because he wants to spend time with his family. I want to be like that even if it means listening to Colton brag about pussy or Lily talk about filling prescriptions. Oh, and Rando and her constant cat babble.
On Halloween evening, we’re joined by Keanu and Lottie. They bring along lawn chairs to set up next to ours on the driveway where we hand out candies to the neighborhood kids.
“I ought to move into a place around here,” Keanu says, enjoying a beer with Cap. “I could walk over every morning to get a cup of coffee. Steal some sugar while I’m at it.”
“I’ll get a giant man-eating dog to keep you away.”
“I’ll bring it a steak until it’s trained to do my bidding.”
“I can imagine you riding a fucking dog, Short Round.”
“Wait,” Lottie says, “how can you have a man-eating dog in the house with a baby?”
Cap’s face shifts from amused to annoyed. “Oh, yeah, kids and monster dogs don’t mix. Parenthood will definitely cramp my style.”
“When it comes to fucking with me?” Keanu whispers. “Yes, it most definitely will, you giant dick-less freak.”
Cap spills beer on Keanu’s boot. “Sorry, man. My lack of a dick causes my hand to shake at times.”
“I understand, and you have my great pity.”
“I plan to teach my kids to speak Korean, so they can cuss at you in two languages.”
“I plan to teach my kids to hunt giants. You’ll want to get your affairs in order.”
The men continue to poke at each other. Whenever children are nearby, they switch to Korean to insult each other. I don’t need to understand the language to assume there’s a lot of ball threats, just based on how they protectively shield their crotches.
A little after the sun goes down; Chipper arrives with Cowgirl Mesa and Cowboy Ridge looking to rustle up some candy.
“Our house is too secluded to trick or treat,” Chipper explains while the kids dance around the empty living room. “Having you
two in a residential neighborhood will simplify my holiday season.”
“We aim to please,” Cap says while struggling with the plastic ghost decoration rolling down the lawn.
Too cold to chase wayward décor, I ask Chipper, “Didn’t you want to dress up Sierra?”
“It’s too cold for the baby, and Tatum might be coming down with something. They’re toasty at home, waiting for us to show up with our haul of candy and a heaping serving of Panda Express.”
After Chipper and the kids start their journey around the neighborhood, I sip my hot chocolate while Cap and Keanu chase escaping Jack-o’-lantern decorations.
“The wind keeps blowing them over,” Cap explains when Lottie and I laugh at them.
“Who cares?” I say, still snickering at the giant badass getting owned by silly décor. “They’re creepier sideways. Now sit down and enjoy the ambiance of Middle American suburbia.”
Relenting, the men return to their lawn chairs and trade beers for hot chocolate.
“You could set up a fire pit in the back,” Keanu suggests around eight when we’re nearly out of candy. “Chilling in the backyard like middle-aged men, drinking hot chocolate and burning marshmallows.”
“If it’s good enough for your redneck family, it’ll be good enough for mine.”
“I can’t tell if you insulted me,” Keanu says, narrowing his gaze.
“Feel free to always assume I am.”
The men again square off in a language I don’t understand. I smile at Lottie who rolls her eyes at their childish behavior. My manager and I have been much closer since we took off one afternoon and drove to Nashville in my El Camino. She showed me a few quirky stores with lots of old rock memorabilia. Afterward, we ate sushi and got buzzed on sake. Never in my life had I wanted to try Japanese food or drink, but that was the old Audrey Johansson. The new one is adventurous even if it means Keanu and Cap are forced to drive into the city to pick up our drunken asses.
Long after Chipper and the kids finish trick or treating and Keanu and Lottie leave, Cap and I remain in our house. We sit in the lawn chairs in the kitchen and try to picture living here. I find a smile on my face often lately, and tonight is no different. Cap entered my life like a wildfire, lighting everything ablaze. No more safely hiding in my parents’ house and waiting for others to inspire me. I’m officially fearless in a way only possible because my sexy brick shithouse will always have my back.
EPILOGUE - CAP
Our first holidays together are fucking brilliant. Audrey contributes Kentucky garlic cheese grits to our Thanksgiving dinner. She isn’t intimidated by Poet’s often-loud family, and her parents drive down on the weekend to have their second Thanksgiving with us. We take them out to dinner at The Glenn and show off Audrey’s wedding ring.
“No wedding?” Farah asks.
“The Hayes family doesn’t do weddings,” Audrey says before I can.
Frowning immediately, Cooper grumbles, “I distinctly recall Angus Hayes having a wedding.”
“He’s old school. We’re new school.”
“Are you sure?” Farah asks.
“Of course. I never liked attending weddings, and I don’t want to be the main attraction at one. Besides, can you imagine me having to pick a maid of honor between my new family and my old one? The cat fights alone would make it a clusterfuck.”
“Vaughn’s twins would claw each other’s eyes out to get the spot,” Cooper says while enjoying his steak. “Then your fathead boyfriend’s sister would end up poisoning everyone to win. Yeah, I can’t imagine that turning out well.”
“My head’s not fat,” I whine to Cooper who rolls his eyes.
Grinning at Audrey, I love how her father still gets his balls in a lather over my teasing. I don’t know what will ever prove to him that I’m the best damn thing that ever happened to his baby daughter.
We learn less than a year later that the secret to warming his heart is to give him a grandson. Fucking hell if Cooper Johansson doesn’t turn into a sappy diva when he holds his first grandchild.
On Valentine’s Day—and her parents’ wedding anniversary—Audrey tells me she’s pregnant. Talk about turning a dreaded holiday into a celebration.
We finally move into our house around May. Two months later, Keanu snaps up a rental place a few blocks over and immediately shows up at my door to ask for sugar. I swear everything comes together so easily until we find out our first child will be a boy.
“I had a name ready for a girl,” Audrey says when we get the news. More than once, she explained to me how the name Holly was special to her because she and her mom used to watch “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” together. “I don’t care what we name the boy. Casper Junior works fine.”
“Nope, but I’ll start working on it.”
Easier said than done, we’re still playing with names late in the pregnancy. First, we rule out C and M names since we already have a shitload of them in our family. Audrey prefers names that work best for a son who’ll grow up to be a sweaty rocker riddled with STDs. I nix those out of the gate. I’m a fan of quirky names like Dickens because I think it’d be fun to call my son, Dick. Audrey laughs at me so hard when I suggest the name that I almost refuse to have sex with her. She might as well have said “eww.”
Despite what people warn, our baby isn’t a giant, and Audrey never looks like a womb with arms and legs in the way Cricket predicts. To apologize, my sister regularly applauds whenever Audrey enters a room.
Despite the easy pregnancy and our otherwise organized life, we still manage to have no name for our baby by the time Audrey is prepped for her C-section surgery. Catching sight of my father and Keanu out in the waiting room, I’m finally inspired by a name so perfect that I can’t believe it hadn’t come to me earlier.
“Keith,” I tell Audrey as she chills from her epidural.
“Like from the Stones?”
“No, like what my father used to call Keanu. Our son’s name can be a tribute to two of the most important men in my life.”
“A weird tribute.”
“How does that not fit who we are?” I ask, kissing her hand.
Chewing on ice chips, Audrey shrugs. “Okay, but I’m telling people he’s named after Keith Richards.”
“Yes, because a drug-addled, Crypt-Keeper, STD spreading—”
Waving away my comment, she smiles. “Point taken, but I’m the one about to have your baby cut out of my gut. Why don’t we agree to disagree and move on?”
“Keith, it is.”
“What about a middle name?”
“I have my mother’s maiden name.”
“It’s like your parents didn’t even try,” she says, bursting into nervous giggles. “I’m about to be sliced open.”
Stroking her hair, I lean down to whisper, “I know you’re scared, but you’ve been a warrior these nine months. You’re almost done being pregnant. Then you can heal while I pamper you. You’ll say jump, and I’ll say how high.”
“My sexy servant,” she says, exhaling her tension. “I’m so excited to see our baby. And hold our boy Keith Hayes.”
I smile big for Audrey and keep smiling through the surgery, but I’m fucking dying of fear inside. My stomach remains in knots even after Keith is delivered and Audrey is resting comfortably in her recovery room. I can’t stop panicking, but I put on a brave show for our families who stream in and out of the room before we’re finally alone for the night.
“I can’t wait to eat solids,” Audrey says two hours after the surgery. That night, she eats a few bites of hospital food, announces she wants to puke, and decides she’d rather sleep than anything else.
“We can send the baby to the nursery if you want,” Audrey offers as her eyelids grow heavy.
“I don’t trust anyone alone with our boy. I’ll keep him in here while you sleep. If I need help and you’re zonked out, I have people I can call.”
Audrey smiles, shivering slightly. “He’s so beautiful, isn’t he? Like gorgeous
even for a red-faced, wrinkled, old man.”
“He’s the best-looking baby ever born. That’s why I don’t trust one of those nurses not to steal him.”
“You are so paranoid,” she says, closing her eyes. “I find that incredibly sexy. Fuck authority.”
With those two final words, Audrey is out. I cover her up and walk to where our baby sleeps. Keith is smaller than I expect. I don’t remember my siblings’ babies being this small. Though at eight pounds, he isn’t considered tiny.
I am nervous as hell about when he wakes up, and I’m forced to embrace my untested fathering skills. However, Keith only whines for a second before I’m on the job. So focused on allowing Audrey to sleep, I forget all about how I don’t know how to be a dad. I just do what I did with my nieces and nephews. Change diapers? Check. Feed baby? Check. Cuddle baby? Check. Put baby down to sleep? Check.
Fuckety-fuck if fatherhood isn’t second nature to me. I try not to brag, but I have that shit down. I can even strut while carrying my son. Can Chipper claim the same?
“Yes, asshole, I strutted just fine,” he says weeks later, but I don’t buy it.
“I never saw you strut once.”
“I strutted, pranced, and even breakdanced. You only wish you were as cool as me.”
Audrey and Tatum give us a mutual eye roll, but my brother and I are too busy trying to one-up each other to care.
“I can change a diaper and satisfy my woman at the same time,” I announce.
“I can change a diaper, satisfy my woman, read my older kids a story, and mow the lawn at the same time.”
Tatum laughs so hard at his bragging that I think Chipper will cry later when they’re alone. Even if he doesn’t, I decide to imagine that scenario whenever I’m stressed about Keith crying in the middle of the night. Nothing puts me in a better mood than fantasizing about Chipper weeping at how I out-bragged him.
“I don’t want another baby right away,” Audrey announces one night after I finish boasting about my skills. “I know it’ll mess up the family’s symmetry, but let’s enjoy Keith for a few years before we think about a second child.”
