by Vivien Vale
She looks like I just wounded her with a knife to the heart.
"You mean, you've hated me for all these years?" she says the words slowly, and I see tears forming in her eyes.
God, how it kills me to know that I've caused this pain. She looks beautiful even when she cries. I want to go to her and comfort her. I want to make it all okay.
"I'm gonna tell you the truth, okay? But I want you to think of it from my perspective. And I want you to remember this one thing, Allie...I love you. I know for sure that I love you and I always have."
"Wait a minute, you love me?"
Her words make me feel like less of a man. She still doesn't know the extent of what I've done and what will she think of me then?
"Yes, Allie, I love you."
I want to move to embrace her but I stay where I am. I won't do anything until I come clean fully. Until she knows the whole truth.
"The thing is, Allie, I've been trying to take you down. I set you up with that agent, Harry. I told him to book you for the video shoot. I didn't want you to know what it was about. I had it staged to make you answer the questions in such a way that I could edit it. I made the video, Allie. I did it all." I feel like a fucking monster admitting all this.
"I made it look like you have an STD to get you back for what you did to me. I wanted to hurt you and to make you suffer in a such a way that you would feel my pain. I had it all wrong, baby. I'm so, so sorry."
She's staring at me with a look of rage and sadness all at once.
I go on. "I own this company. Hard Pressed is mine. And I've been lying to you this whole time. And I'm so sorry. I can’t tell you just how sorry. And I didn't know about Becky or about the past and your perspective. I know I hurt you and there's no excuse and I'm just…so sorry."
I see my betrayal reflected in her eyes. She's crying now and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I deserve every bit of her hatred.
"You've been behind all of this. You were out to ruin me, Xavier, and you did it. You won. I'm defeated. Because of what you did, I can no longer afford to live in New York City. I'm packing my bags to go back home. You destroyed my life and my career. I guess that's what you always wanted. So, congratulations. You must be pretty fucking pleased with yourself."
I rush to her side as if to convey my remorse somehow. I had no idea she was thinking of leaving the city. What the fuck will I do without her? I can't let her go.
"Allie, it doesn't have to be like that. I didn't realize what Becky had done. I had it all wrong. I'm so sorry. You can stay with me. We can live together and be together and finally be happy. We don't have to be affected by this bullshit anymore. We can have the chance we missed out on all those years ago."
With firm resolution, she says, "You just don't get it, do you? You can't just hurt people like that and expect to get away with it. How can I ever trust you again? Why would I even want to?"
The look of disgust on her face cuts me to the core. She pushes me aside and storms out of my office. The last thing I see is her beautiful blonde hair, her perfect body, and her tear-stained face disappearing into the elevator.
She tries to hide her face in her hands and then the door closes. And that's it. It’s over. I've lost her.
I go to my desk and take a seat. The magnitude of what I've done finally hits me. Hard.
The one girl I've ever loved now hates me. I run my hands through my hair and think of ways to win her back. There's got to be a solution.
Whether she hates me or not I will not rest until I make things right for her. She will have my devotion whether she wants it or not. Things with Allie go so far past fucking that I can’t even comprehend the depth of my feelings for her.
Even though I want to go after her and sweep her up in my arms and make her mine, again and again, I resist because I know she hates me and I have to respect that boundary.
I need her. I love her. But I don’t fucking know if I’ll ever have her again.
I sink into a deep depression as I imagine my days spent without this beautiful angel who has so captivated my heart. Normally I'm so bored by seeing women throw themselves at me. But Allie's different, and I may have lost out on that. Missed my chance. When I first saw her, I should have recognized it for what it was. A second chance.
Well, I went and fucked that up too.
The days ahead look dark and dreary. My mood matches the rainclouds that are forming outside. I can see the storm coming in from my view at the top.
Money doesn't mean anything unless you have the right person to share it with. I set out to teach her a lesson, but I’m the one who was schooled, and I guess I've learned my lesson the hard way.
By losing the only woman I’ve ever loved.
31
Allie
I've been holed up at home for the last few days licking my wounds over what happened. I feel sick about the fact that Xavier aka Stanley betrayed me like that.
At the same time, my world is imploding. I'm afraid to leave the house for fear of more judgment from the public. This has been the worst event in my life and right now the thought of losing Xavier makes it all the worse.
I don't know what I'm gonna do moving forward, or how I'm going to help my career.
The image of his face, his chiseled, gorgeous face, is forever in my mind. How could I have known that Stanley, the nerdy guy I knew in high school, would turn into this total superstar? He looks nothing like his old self. At all. Yes, I knew he would do great things but I never expected him to go so far.
As the owner of Hard Pressed he must have at least a billion dollars. A part of me feels nostalgic for the past, for those days when it was just me and him and I saw his genius.
That's what attracted to me to him in the first place. I knew he had a beautiful mind and that he'd make a positive difference in this world.
Now it seems he's used his influence to harm me. Instead of using his power and authority to help the world, he's using it to hurt people, namely, me. That's something I can't understand.
When I knew him in high school he had a heart of gold. That's why it's so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that he tried to sabotage my life. He not only tried, but he won. I'm probably gonna have move home soon and I've already started packing.
It's funny because I never thought I'd see him again, much less that he'd be this statuesque billionaire. I was really wrapped up in him. I am really wrapped up in him.
I had high hopes for our future, even though he came off as kind of a jerk. Now I understand why he was a jerk. He was trying to get back at me this whole time. I wish I had seen it coming.
I'm packing up my apartment and it's really sad. I've bought so many boxes and I'm folding up my clothes and my favorite items into them. I cannot sustain this life in New York.
Lindsay's on her way over to help me pack. She's finally relented to the fact that I have to leave.
It's depressing to do this. I never thought I'd ever move back to my hometown, and I especially never thought it would be because I failed.
Usually when I set my mind to something, it happens. Not this time.
I guess I could blame Xavier for my entire life falling apart, but to be honest, it's not like it was that great before he came around. I was still a struggling model. The only difference is that now it's virtually impossible for me to book even the crummiest of jobs.
There's a knock at the door and I know it's Lindsay. I open it, and the sight of her makes me cry.
It's starting to hit me that I'm going to have to leave her in all of this. I'll miss her so much.
She opens her arms to hug me and it's a comfort I sorely need.
"It's okay, Allie, I understand." She always has the right thing to say.
"I just don't know how this happened. I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like to move home. It's like my worst nightmare," I sob into her shoulder.
"Hey, it's okay. Lots of people don't succeed in the modeling world. And you have your whole l
ife in front of you. You just have to figure out exactly what you want to do now."
She's right. It's not like my life is over. I can at least figure out a new career path and hopefully move away from home again later. But for now, everything seems dark and I feel despair.
"You really think so, Lindsay?" I ask her.
"Of course. Not only are you beautiful, but you are so smart. You can literally have any career that you put your mind to. It just may require going back to college or something."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I never looked at it like that."
The idea that I'm going to be back in my parent's house in just a couple days is too depressing to think about. No one wants to go home in defeat, especially not someone as driven as I am. I gave it my all here in New York and I failed. What more can I say?
I wipe my tears away with the sleeve of my sweater and invite her in. My apartment's a mess. There's stuff all over the place both from packing and from being holed up in here for so many days, away from prying eyes.
"Wow, it's like a bomb went off in here," she says, looking around.
"I know, I know. I just haven't been in a state to keep things organized. All we have to do is pack everything up and the movers will do the rest."
I go to my little kitchen and pull out a bottle of champagne I've been saving for a special occasion.
"I've been saving this for something celebratory, and I know me leaving is not celebratory, but this may be the only chance we get to use it."
I pop the champagne and pour it into a couple of mugs I haven’t packed yet. At least it will make moving a little more fun.
She starts placing my things in boxes, folding clothes and wrapping up fragile items.
"So, has he called?" she asks.
"Yeah, he's called all right. He won't leave me alone. My phone buzzes practically all the time. He's been calling and texting me ever since that day in his penthouse."
"It's just so crazy," she says. "You've known him this entire time. He's like a ghost from your past come back to life."
"Tell me about it," I say. "I never thought I'd see him again, much less that he'd look like that."
"Yeah, he's so freaking hot," she says. "Plus, he's a billionaire. Who would've expected that?"
The money means less to me than anything. I just keep thinking how I can't believe Xavier is Stanley. I don't know how I missed it.
"You know," she says gently. "You can always try to forgive him. I mean he was malicious but when you think about it, he had a pretty good reason."
I glare at her. How can she even consider me forgiving him? What he's done is the most untrustworthy thing in the world. I don't care what his reason was, he should never have set out to harm a person like that.
"I will never forgive him."
"Okay, okay. It was just a suggestion."
She's really hit a nerve with me. I haven't even considered forgiving Xavier. The thought is so far out of my mind that it hadn't even occurred to me until Lindsay just suggested it.
I might forgive him in the future, just to free myself from this pain, but there's no way he can ever be in my life again.
"I've resigned myself to the fact that I might be alone for a while. It's so depressing," I say to her.
We spend the rest of the evening packing, and even though it's sad, Lindsay makes me laugh a lot and that lightens the mood.
We drink the entire bottle of champagne between ourselves and Xavier texts me throughout the evening.
At last, most of the boxes are done, the sun has set a long time ago, and it's time for Lindsay to go home.
She gives me a hug and tells me, "I'm really gonna miss you, girl."
I don't try to hide the tears that are forming in my eyes right now. I'm really gonna miss her too.
"What will I do without you, Lindsay?" I ask.
"Don't say that," she says. "It's too sad.
"Good plan. I guess I'll see you later then."
She smiles at me and turns to leave.
Now it's just me alone in this apartment for one of the last times. I'm surrounded by boxes and I push a couple by the window so that I can sit on them and look up at the moon.
It's a full moon tonight and it's shining big, bright, and orange. I feel like I want to release this terrible moment with the passage of the full moon. Tomorrow's a new day.
For this moment, though, it's so beautiful and I wish I had someone to share it with.
The idea that I've lost a certain special someone pains my heart once more. It's gonna take a long time to get over this one. He hurt me in my past and now he's done it again.
I don't know how I'll ever forget Xavier.
32
Xavier
The rain's continued to fall as if the weather is out to match my mood. Everything's gray, dark, and cold. People slosh in and out of the office with their umbrellas in tow.
I'm missing Allie so much. Now that I've admitted that I love her, there's no going back. I've only ever felt this way for one person...her.
I'm in my office at Hard Pressed and have barely left for the last few days. I'm trying to fix what has now turned into a public relations disaster.
Everyone wants to know more about the video and why it was made in the first place. People are furious thinking that the company has made light of something so serious as STDs. I'm trying to protect my brand reputation as well as Allie's name.
It’s a media circus for sure now that Hard Pressed has become enmeshed in the scandal. I have to keep all things moving and rise above the crisis, and that is no easy task.
Most of all, Allie’s been on my mind nonstop. Her beautiful face and body are all I dream of. There will never be another like her, of that I’m sure. I’d do absolutely anything to right this wrong but what I’m finding is that the path to freedom is not so straight. There’s a million issues I have to deal with, but she’s on my mind all the while.
I've been texting and calling her like crazy, all to no avail. She obviously doesn't want to see or hear from me. I don't blame her but I'm not prepared to lose her yet.
As the owner of this company, I'm trying to take full responsibility for the video nightmare. I released another statement apologizing to Allie and to the public for the video, and I'm hoping that by taking personal liability in the matter some of this nightmare will fade.
My PR team has been working around the clock and so have I. I will not rest until Allie's name is cleared.
We've had all manner of scrutiny within the media and especially on social media. People want to blame Hard Pressed for releasing a video that could've helped desensitize the stigma of STDs. And now that we've taken back our stance on it, they think we're taking back the good work the public health video can do.
That's not the case at all. If anything, I feel more of an obligation to inform people about the stigma of sexually carried diseases. Seeing how Allie was harassed because of something that, if it were true, was probably out of her hands, and well, it makes me want to help.
I've tried to turn this whole thing into a learning experience, and it's changing me from the inside out.
Within the company, I try to make it clear that we stand behind reducing the stigma of STDs, but that I'm simply wanting to clear the model's name. In the end, I've decided to donate over a million dollars to STD research companies in order to prove my merit.
I don't know if Allie understands any of this or if she even cares. I wouldn't blame her for hating me for the rest of our lives. But now that I realize I love her, I have to find a way to be with her.
My luxurious surroundings no longer excite me like they used to. I used to get off on the fact that I have money. But without Allie, none of it means anything. I've built an empire and I have no one to share with.
She's the most gorgeous, brilliant, and sweet girl in the world, and I let her slip right through my fingers. No, that’s not even accurate. I practically forced her away. What an asshole I am.
I pa
ce around my office trying to come up with more solutions to help the situation. How can I spin this video crisis in a way that will reflect well on Allie?
I decide to get Diana, my PR person, on the phone.
"Diana, it's me. I want you to go ahead and push more funding for STD-related research. And I'd like you to release another statement in which I myself take further responsibility for the incident.
“We need to make a new STD video that makes it clear we do not stigmatize based on that. And it needs to have an educational slant."
"Okay, Xavier. Those are all good moves. I think especially creating a new video, maybe with some famous faces behind it, is a great move. I'll start putting that together right now. And I'll send over the paperwork about the new video to your office," she says.
"Perfect. I think this can really save us, and that model, Allie."
Nobody knows that Allie and I are connected yet. I fully intend to make her mine and for it to be public knowledge, I just haven't figured out how.
Hopefully, this new video will go viral also. Maybe I can use it to show how easily things can be manipulated in the public eye. Maybe this could be a lesson for all of us to be careful about what we see and say on the Internet.
That's all I can do for now. I've apologized, I've donated money to the cause, and now I'm putting more money into the creation of a new video campaign.
For now, things are gonna be at a standstill. I don't know what else to do. I tried to contact Allie but she obviously doesn't want to see me, so I'm gonna respect those boundaries...for now.
I pour some scotch, flick the fire on, and sit in front of it trying to think of an ingenious way to further clear Allie's name.
This girl is everything to me. And the more I acknowledge those feelings the deeper they appear to be.
What I keep thinking about is how Allie really believed in me even when I was a geek in high school. She saw past all appearances and she really understood my soul.
I was always a genius, always a computer nerd, and always intent on making something of my life. She saw that, the good in me when I had few, if any, friends.
